njnyhm Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I was thinking yesterday that when it comes to relationships, we find EXACTLY who we're looking for. My personal experience lately proves this to me. I've suffered pretty severely from codepency issues in the past which include a wrecked marriage. About six months ago, I met a woman who I'd known in college. We started dating, and VERY quickly into the relationship, it became apparent that she was a mess. Red flags started to go off all over the place. But I IGNORED IT!! After all, she's hot, she's great in bed, she seemed to really dig me, etc, etc. But emotionally, she's a train-wreck. Anyways, as per my script, I started off like the White Night. And when her behavior started to bother me, I tried to change her. She even tried to change herself. But it didn't work. resentment grew and all that nasty stuff. I detached as best as I could in the end, without anger and without leaving claw marks on the situation. Thank God I was capable of doing that. My point is this: until I work on the issues I'm supposed to work on, God will put people in my life to thrown those issues in my face. In this sense, I DO IN FACT find EXACTLY what I'm looking for - which is a reason to kick my own ass into gear and make MYSELF better so I attract healthier people. Like they say, "Water seeks its own level.' This last relationship I was in proves that rather than trying to fix someone else, I should work on myself. No coincidences, right??
iris219 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I agree with you, but I don't want to agree with you. The only men I attract are either married/in relationships or attractive jerks. I'm not sure why this is the case. I want a stable relationship, but I must give off an emotionally unavailable vibe and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Author njnyhm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I agree with you, but I don't want to agree with you. The only men I attract are either married/in relationships or attractive jerks. I'm not sure why this is the case. I want a stable relationship, but I must give off an emotionally unavailable vibe and I'm not sure what to do about it. Like I said, Life will keep throwing whatever we have to work on in our faces until we deal with it. There are no coincidences. Are you 'emotionally unavailable,' or do you just not want to be in a real relationship yet? Best to cut through the self-help jargon and call a spade a spade if that's the case. I sometimes think people (myself included) use psychological jargon to mollify themselves when the plain truth hurts too much. I'll venture a guess that married men or men in relationships are attracted to you because you DO give off a vibe that you don't want to be in a relationship. If you DON'T want to be in a relationship, that's ok. It's not a crime. But figure out what you want. Ask yourself: 'Do I want to be in a relationship?' Write down the question, and write down the answer. Make it real and look at it. And don't get involved with men who are in relationships or men who are married. If you do that, you're allowing your baggage to wreck other people's lives. That's not good. Sorry to be harsh, but there it is.
SxB Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Like the good book says SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND. "until I work on the issues I'm supposed to work on" Yeah you can't date well with an unclear mind. "Like they say, "Water seeks its own level.'" Another word for all that is 'compatibility'. Anyway good words, I like your POSITIVE post. Through real pain we learn. "Like I said, Life will keep throwing whatever we have to work on in our faces until we deal with it." I agree, Life repeats it's lessons, we repeat mistakes, until we learn from them. Like I always say, bad times don't exist unless something needs to be FIXED.
Author njnyhm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Cheers. Well said yourself. Like the good book says SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND. "until I work on the issues I'm supposed to work on" Yeah you can't date well with an unclear mind. "Like they say, "Water seeks its own level.'" Another word for all that is 'compatibility'. Anyway good words, I like your POSITIVE post. Through real pain we learn. "Like I said, Life will keep throwing whatever we have to work on in our faces until we deal with it." I agree, Life repeats it's lessons, we repeat mistakes, until we learn from them. Like I always say, bad times don't exist unless something needs to be FIXED.
somedude81 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah, I keep finding exactly what I'm looking for. I found a girl that with a little bit of her opening up, she'd be somebody I'd be happy to spend a very long time with. The problem is that I'm never what they are looking for. So what do I do, make a conscious decision to lower my gaze?
Author njnyhm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 What exactly ARE you looking for? Write it down. Put it on paper. Look at it. Are YOU those things? Yeah, I keep finding exactly what I'm looking for. I found a girl that with a little bit of her opening up, she'd be somebody I'd be happy to spend a very long time with. The problem is that I'm never what they are looking for. So what do I do, make a conscious decision to lower my gaze?
SxB Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Cheers. Well said yourself. I appreciate it. I look forward to seen more of your posts.
iris219 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Like I said, Life will keep throwing whatever we have to work on in our faces until we deal with it. There are no coincidences. Are you 'emotionally unavailable,' or do you just not want to be in a real relationship yet? Best to cut through the self-help jargon and call a spade a spade if that's the case. I sometimes think people (myself included) use psychological jargon to mollify themselves when the plain truth hurts too much. I'll venture a guess that married men or men in relationships are attracted to you because you DO give off a vibe that you don't want to be in a relationship. If you DON'T want to be in a relationship, that's ok. It's not a crime. But figure out what you want. Ask yourself: 'Do I want to be in a relationship?' Write down the question, and write down the answer. Make it real and look at it. And don't get involved with men who are in relationships or men who are married. If you do that, you're allowing your baggage to wreck other people's lives. That's not good. Sorry to be harsh, but there it is. Without a doubt, I want a relationship. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable at all, but I give off that vibe. I don't know how to change the vibe I give off. I want to because the vibe isn't accurate. I have friends who have told me they were surprised that I was so nice once they got to know me because they assumed I'd be a b--ch. I've never been involved with a married man, and I'm not sure why they hit on me. I'm not even flirtatious with men, so I can't figure it out. Basically, if you're the kind of guy looking for a cheerleader, it's not me. It seems a married man would want a woman to make him feel good about himself. I would make him feel terrible.
Eve Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I was thinking yesterday that when it comes to relationships, we find EXACTLY who we're looking for. My personal experience lately proves this to me. I've suffered pretty severely from codepency issues in the past which include a wrecked marriage. About six months ago, I met a woman who I'd known in college. We started dating, and VERY quickly into the relationship, it became apparent that she was a mess. Red flags started to go off all over the place. But I IGNORED IT!! After all, she's hot, she's great in bed, she seemed to really dig me, etc, etc. But emotionally, she's a train-wreck. Anyways, as per my script, I started off like the White Night. And when her behavior started to bother me, I tried to change her. She even tried to change herself. But it didn't work. resentment grew and all that nasty stuff. I detached as best as I could in the end, without anger and without leaving claw marks on the situation. Thank God I was capable of doing that. My point is this: until I work on the issues I'm supposed to work on, God will put people in my life to thrown those issues in my face. In this sense, I DO IN FACT find EXACTLY what I'm looking for - which is a reason to kick my own ass into gear and make MYSELF better so I attract healthier people. Like they say, "Water seeks its own level.' This last relationship I was in proves that rather than trying to fix someone else, I should work on myself. No coincidences, right?? Take care, Eve x
somedude81 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 What exactly ARE you looking for? Write it down. Put it on paper. Look at it. Are YOU those things? Unfortunately there is more to it than that. I thought about all the reasons why I like the girl I do, and I have all the same qualities. Saying things in a different way, I would date a woman version of myself. The trouble is women have stricter requirements than I do.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 work on yourself? absolutely. become healthy yourself. know what that looks like - then offer your healthy self to a healthy woman when the time seems right. if and when she proves unhealthy - stop seeing her. know what YOUR healthy boundary looks like. stick to that for your best interest.
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 With abusers and people who get abused in relationships being the most extreme example. Some how they always find each other like magnetically attracted north and south.
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