freebird Posted April 15, 2004 Posted April 15, 2004 You know, I had posted a message about thinking I was over the exboyfriend and I am. I Guess this is part 2. Does anyone know WHY after you are with someone for 2 years, giving them all you possibly can (kindness, love etc...) they push you away when they think you want more? I was involved with an emotionally unavailable man, selfish and really cruel at times. Our relationship ended short and sweet with him yelling he didn't love me, didn't love anyone and just didn't want to spend time on the relationship more than 2 or 3 days a week. THEN, I find out 3 months after our break up - he's looking madly to date other women and now, he's got a woman living with him?!! This man who was so committmentphobic - why all of a sudden has he changed his tune? Not to be mean, but she's not even as attractive or succesful as I am - this hurts and sucks!! Was it just me or him? I mean I am glad we broke up, he was truly not for me - but wow, who knew it would still sting a bit when I was his girl for two years and then all of a sudden he rushes into a new relationship and FAST?! Was I that forgettable?
moimeme Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 I was involved with an emotionally unavailable man, selfish and really cruel at times. giving them all you possibly can (kindness, love etc...) You took up with someone who had several major flaws, gave him too much of yourself, and are upset because he's moved on? Was I that forgettable? No. He is "an emotionally unavailable man, selfish and really cruel at times" Go out and celebrate the fact that this schmoe is out of your life!
reasontosigh Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 ...THEN, I find out 3 months after our break up - he's looking madly to date other women and now, he's got a woman living with him?!!.... Hmmmm..... if this woman is someone he hadn't known previously, you could probably take some smug comfort in the fact she'll be in for one hell of a surprise later on!
Heartfelt Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 Trust me, by what you've said, it sounds like you're much better off without him. And it seems to me he missed out on a wonderful thing with you. He's gonna be a lot of hassle for someone to put up with, be glad it's not you
Author freebird Posted April 16, 2004 Author Posted April 16, 2004 Thanks you all! You guys are so sweet!! I love you all. Everything ALL of you said made total sense. In the end, while it always stings that he treated me badly, perhaps he may have realized what a jerk he was and hopefully, treat his new girlfriend with a lot more respect and kindness than he did me. If not, she truly is in for a horrid surprise! Honestly, would I ever take him back? NEVER! That's how I know I'm over it. Looking back, I really what took me so long to leave him... thanks you all! Write me any time you need an ear!
Arabess Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 Was I that forgettable? I doubt there is a lover in the world who hasn't asked that question. I also doubt anyone ever got an answer which made them feel better. Sometimes there aren't any answers. All you can rely on is TIME. Time to somehow get beyond it all. I'm sorry. I know you must be hurting.
shamen Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 No, it's not that your forgettable! It's all in the way that you look at it. The way that I've taken to looking at this is that we prepare them for their next relationship. They realize afterwards that what they really want is a committed relationship and they see why or how they screwed the last one up and can become a better person. Yeah, it is not fun for the person on your (our) end (my last ex met someone new 10 days after we broke up and is now married with a child; he got married less than a year after we broke up - we were planning on getting married). But, you've helped that person (maybe) become a better person. You are obviously better off (I read your other post about coping with it)! He was not there for you like he needed to be. Now you know yourself better in that you know what you don't want, so in a way, he has helped you too.
Author freebird Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Yes Shamen, I can only hope that I made him a better man. I know that after dating him for 2 year off and on - he was a troubled soul emotionally. I also know that 3 months after we broke up - he was already looking for a new relationship - this proves two things - 1) I know he was lonely and needed someone ASAP 2) felt the need to validate himself by getting a new g.f. I think a lot of people feel they need to get someone new right away just to prove something - I DONT - and did not - I'm still alone and you know what - I'm happy - I don't care what people think - I'm gonna stay single and have fun with friends for however long it takes to feel good about getting back into a committed relationship. Yes, he did teach me things - that I really DONT want a committed relationship when I thought I did, and that I had to change too much to be with him. I hope he's happy with his new G/F - she's got a challenge on her hands since he's totally incapable of loving - he even gave aways his pet - THAT should have been a huge sign to me - how could you give away your dog? If I have changed him - I hope it was for the best and realizes that perhaps he needs love and he will treat his new girl better than he treated me.
spencer Posted April 18, 2004 Posted April 18, 2004 sure he shacked up quick, he needs to up his self esteem again. since you didn't go begging back. it's unlikely he has changed, as far as the new girl not being as attractive or as sucessful as you. it makes perfect sense to me, she mabye be more easily manipulated, and have less chioce when it comes to men. some men,like the one you described will seek women with seemingly less to offer so they can get the upper power position. i hope for her sake he has changed, or she has big brothers. i am so glad your free of him.
Author freebird Posted April 18, 2004 Author Posted April 18, 2004 Thanks Spencer! I needed to hear that! I think you are right - I ask myself - could he have changed? And I just shake my head and go NO WAY - he was so freaky about things - I doubt he has changed. I know when I saw his Internet add - it said he was ready to settle down - yeah right! I just felt like - wow, now that we are broken up NOW he's ready to settle down?! But, I still think you are right - people do not change in a year - and I think he just thinks he's ready - and youre so right about the self esteem stuff!! Thanks again...just needed to hear it from someone!
spencer Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 just for the record my ex, was able to make significant improvement in the year, since i made him leave. i gave him the name of a fabulous therapist and he has been seeing him regularly. he chose to change his life and im proud of his achievements. i can never go back, but part of me sees the potential i always knew was there. i am happy for the future MRS. EX, and his ultimate happiness. i dont think your ex has realized his incompetence, yet, therefore i treated it as such. i dont see any real motivation to change his behavior, from your post. i doubt he realizes he has issues. many people can better thenselves, if they can admit the areas their lacking.
JustHot Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 I strongly agree with comment about why he replaced you with someone less attractive/successful. You don't want a man who can't handle you or feels like he has to demean you to feel secure about himself. Those types resent the very stuff that makes you beautiful inside and out. That is one reason why my username is justhot. I felt I had to apologize to an insecure boyfriend for years. It doesn't matter what I wear, it's just the way I'm made. I am classy, but my looks have hurt my chances at a serious relationship, because I have a bad picker mostly. My ex went for some homely girl real quick, 30s, no style, carries herself with eyes down like his pet. They look so mismatched, and it made me feel like, what's wrong with me...because I'm attractive and independent, I don't deserve a great guy, not the type they marry??? I had a big complex, started dressing down, The Gap, baseball caps, etc., then I met my current boyfriend, tall and attractive, mid-30s, beautiful blue eyes, great smile, wonderful kind heart, funny, and a doctor. He can handle what I have to offer. I had to take a step up because the little boys I was trying to date felt out of control as my boyfriends. FYI, my ex is still living in boredom with his little girl, but keeping the door open for sexual escapades with anyone I hear, same ol, and I have met someone with integrity and great looks. Keep the faith!
Author freebird Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 Thanks Justhot! I'm so happy for you girl! There is something better around the corner...always...karma, it always comes back and you deserve this new man!! As for me, I've found the gift of being single to be quite comforting for now! I've learned from the past relationship what I NEVER will do again for a man...I'm in a new job, more responsibility, getting back to myself. If the right guy comes along eventually...yay, if not...oh well!! I have since found out the the ex wishes he never broke up with me - well, it's a little too late! I'm over it! It was hard, but I will never go out with him again. That in itself got me over the last bit of hurt left, but still, we were so incompatible, I wouldn't go back with him even if he were nice to me- which he probably would not be - he probably just misses someone to kick around! HA! Thanks for the words of encouragement, I'm sure one day I'll find my "prince" !
Author freebird Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 Oh yeah - JUSTHOT - I was doing the baseball hat, sweatpants thing too!! that made me laugh so hard! I refused to dress up or really want to be noticed - hell, my new neighbor didn't even know I Was blonde! I wore a hat 24/7 - geez, what we let men do to us after a breakup!
TZ Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 JustHot: I strongly agree with comment about why he replaced you with someone less attractive/successful. You don't want a man who can't handle you or feels like he has to demean you to feel secure about himself. Those types resent the very stuff that makes you beautiful inside and out. Excellent text, JustHot! My ex-bf/MM did the exact thing. I never made him feel inadequate, but he seemed to resent the fact that: 1) I had a university degree and he didn't. He would make snide remarks about "you can figure that out, you're the one who went to school". Or "you're the smart one, you can find another guy", and so on. 2) I had a good job and he didn't. He thought my employer was "using me" whenever I worked late. He thought it was useless for me to go to all these meetings. He thought it remarkable that my employer would pay for job-related courses. He found it surprising that I've been at the same employer for 10+ years. 3) I knew so much about computers and he didn't. With remarks such as "how the f* do you know that?". *** spencer: some men,like the one you described will seek women with seemingly less to offer so they can get the upper power position. Another excellent post, spencer! I wonder if this is what my ex-bf felt. That he had not much to offer, compared to me. Typical macho man.
JustHot Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Thanks everyone. I am glad I'm not the only one and that I could share my experience. So I ran into my ex and his new girl at a wedding this weekend! I was with my boyfriend. We looked striking and were laughing when we walked in. My ex turned red, looked 100% unglued. I didn't observe them again but heard that she kept staring at me, and that he hardly even looked at her during the event. Nor was he expressing affection and comfort with her by his side. So now he's got a girl who isn't very attractive, who doesn't have a shiny, loving personality, but still isn't comfortable. Doesn't seem to know what love is or how to receive and express it, and he won't know until he grows up and feels the impact of what he's had a hand in destroying, whether it be about me, or in his present relationship -- the real stuff that's important, instead of living life in pride, ego and fear. I have learned a lot. That was a real Jeckyl and Hyde monster.
Author freebird Posted April 27, 2004 Author Posted April 27, 2004 Good for you justhot!! I can't help but just feel really happy for you that you walked in looking great with your new BF!! Someone you deserve! I can't tell you how what you just said is such a mirror of what happened to me - I only hope that if and when I run into the Ex, I will be as poised and hopefully look as good as you!! And, that one day I will find a great guy! It's not about pride or making them feel bad about seeing you again - but just getting some of that self-esteem back and living well again! I hope they BOTH realize what they lost! Make up for all the past hurt! I hope you and you new BF work out!
JustHot Posted April 30, 2004 Posted April 30, 2004 Thanks! I am very happy and looking forward to spending our first summer together!
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