LoriEmber Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 My b/f has a co-worker that he has to speak with on a daily basis for his work. Recently I have found out that a lot of these phone conversations turns into just general convo. Nothing work related. He speaks of her several times about things she says or whatnot. She is single btw. We have access to each others Facebook accounts. I rarely ever get on his. He would check mine daily. I did get in his at one point and noticed a friend request from her. Nothing had happened. A few days to a week went by. And, I checked again. Still he had not added her nor declined her. I had not mentioned to him about her request either. So, after about a week, I asked him. He said, he didn't want to start any thing with me. He knew I wouldn't like it, and didn't want to cause "us" any problems. . He declined her and told her, that he didn't want it to cause any problems between us and he said, she said, she totally understood. And that was that. I do know they still talk on the phone daily and chit chat about work. How much I do not know or how often I don't know either. I find that weird and I just want other opinions. Thanks.
Cee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I'm reading this situation differently than you are. He has been open and honest about his relationship with his coworker. And he set a boundary with her by not allowing her on FB. And he was honest with her and you about declining her FB request. He sounds like a model boyfriend to me. Is there something about your relationship that would give you reason to distrust him? Maybe there's more to the story, but it sounds perfectly fine to me.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I actually find his behavior suspicious. If he considered her just a friend and not anything special then he wouldn't think twice about accepting her friends request without wondering about what it would do to your relationship. I am assuming he has other female friends as FB friends -- why didn't he think it was weird to friend those girls? Obviously he thinks of this chick differently than the rest. I would be suspicious, maybe not of something actually going on, but of his mindset towards her.
Author LoriEmber Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Thank you, Cee. He is a model b/f mostly. He has been really good to me. Yes, in '05 he did do something and I found out about concerning his ex g/f that he was supposedly so in love with. Nothing happened with them. I think he just wanted to see her one last time before he could move on. I'm not really sure since they had broken up in '02. So, I try and overcome these feelings of insecurity, but I get scared sometimes. We live far away from each other. I have a son that I'm trying to help get a start in life/college. My b/f is so understanding. I just want to make sure his feelings are sincere, I guess. Thank you, for your opinion. When it comes to things like this, I tend to be a pessimist.
Author LoriEmber Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 nyc_guy2003, that is EXACTLY what I thought and EXACTLY what I said. He still stuck with, "I don't want any trouble and BS, so I'm just not going to." I ask him how FB came up and he said, she must have found him on other co-workes pages. Yes, he does have other females on his FB. A few from his work. Older, married women. He has only had one co-worker, that was around his age, that was separated and he added her. But he just won't this one. I do know that a girl he used to have a crush on wanted to be his friend, and when we both got our FB's we agreed, no ex's or anyone that we had feelings for. He denied her. That was understandable. I told him if there is nothing going on between you and her, by all means, add her. He won't. In our convo's if we are talking about his work, he will refer to her as she said this, she said that. So, apparently they are still talking on the phone during working hours. I don't know what to think. But him not adding her, really raises red flags to me.
O'Malley Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 At this point, I wouldn't nag or give him a hard time about it, but let him know that you're not comfortable with his having regular non work related chats with her. It shouldn't be a big deal for him to tone this workplace friendship down a little. No trouble, no bs. Have you ever met his coworkers? If so, ask about meeting this particular one for lunch; gauge his reaction to that.
Author LoriEmber Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Thank you for your response. No, I haven't met any of his co-workers. He works out of his vehicle. He tells me he has only met her once (during an office meeting) in his life. He has to get his assignments from her. There are about 3-4 women who sets up these assignments. When he calls is, sometimes it is her and sometimes it isn't. Now, I do know when it is this one in particular, they go a little deeper about their work and no telling what else. I just notice when there is something about his work going on, I can usually tell when he has talked to her, cause he knows more details. I know he must speak to her and that is absolutely perfectly fine. That isn't what bugs me. It is the way he has handled the whole FB deal. I don't really bring it up too much. Thanks again
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Ok, so he didn't add her, and you're still upset? How upset would you have been if he'd actually added her?? You have access to his FB account (so he's not trying to hide anything), he knew it might upset you if he DID add her, so he doesn't, and he's been open about the subjects of their conversations. You're certainly entitled to your feelings here, but it really sounds to me as if you're manufacturing an issue where none exists.
Author LoriEmber Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 If he would have added her, I wouldn't have thought nothing about it. Honestly. He was constantly asking me about guys that I would add to mine. Which were mainly guys I went to school with years ago. They meant nothing to me. It was COMPLETELY innocent. I assumed the women on his, he felt the same as I did about. Till this one. Then it felt/seemed different. Maybe I am. I just thought it was weird the way he went about it all. And, then the way he gets so defensive WHEN we do talk about. We haven't in a very long time. I hope it isn't the reason I think it is. But if it is, better I know now. It just seems to me that him knowing I'm cool with it, he would go ahead and add her. But he won't. They just do their phone talk. Not sure if they even talk about anything other than work. Obviously they do for FB to have come up. Oh well. Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate reading other opinions.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Him making a big deal about not adding her to FB is the online equivalent of trash talking her in real life. When a guy goes from talking about a girl all the time to suddenly trash talking her or not talking about her at all, then something's up.
writergal Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I agree with NYC's opinion about your boyfriend. His behavior indicates he's hiding something from you about his relationship with this female coworker of his. This actually happened to me and was the reason my last relationship ended. My ex-boyfriend was a teacher who had a deep friendship with his education assistant which is what broke up his 1st marriage, according to his account of it. He told me that his ex-wife accused him of having an affair with his coworker, which he denied but his ex-wife divorced him. So when he met me after his divorce, he was still working with this woman whom he told me he was very close to. Well, one night I saw a text from her to him on his phone and pretended not to read it only telling my ex that he got a text b/c his phone buzzed. Knowing what it said, I waited til he read the text and then asked him who it was from etc. He lied about what she said to him, so then I knew something was up. When I eventually confronted him about it (she texted him again on New Years Eve when he was on a date with me), he got mad and broke up with me. Now he lives with this woman in another town where they both work at a school together (she got them both jobs there through her connections). So... I think you ought to confront your boyfriend asap and find out what he is hiding from you because my guess is that he's having an emotional affair with his coworker who already told him she has a crush on him. Since men love attention from women, he's probably enjoying her doting attention to him on the phone. If she wasn't a threat to your relationship with your boyfriend he would have convinced you she was harmless and added her to his Facebook which you have access to anyway. Why would you prevent him from adding her if you didn't already feel threatened by her involvement in his work life? That's what you need to figure out. If you suspect him, confront him until he tells you the truth.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Lori the only way you will be secure is if you move closer. If thats not going to happen, you might as well end it rather than live in suspision.
Author LoriEmber Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Wow, writergal that is a sad story. But deep down you know. I believe that he loves talking to this girl. I think they shoot the crap a lot. I think they are extremely friendly with each other and it gives him some sort of power or ego trip. She is young, and single. I think he didn't want to add her to his FB because she would talk to him on there like they do on the phone which is probably flirty and he don't want me to see it. It's something or he wouldn't have thought twice about adding her and I know this. We have talked about this a couple of times and it always goes back to him saying he doesn't want this causing any trouble for "us". Me and him. So, I let it go. I keep waiting for the right opportunity for it to all come up again. It does upset me, but, it is what it is, too. One of the reason's I haven't moved there yet, is because I don't want to get down there and then realize he has a problem with the truth and can't get over having female attention constantly. I would be very unhappy. And, I will have to sell my house here, and I wouldn't have a place to come home too. I really appreciate you guys writing to me about this. Thank you for your opinions and time.
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