Actually Broke NC

[chalkfarm]

Okay, so the truth is that I actually broke NC yesterday by looking at xMM and W FB pages. I thought after a year I could handle it. I couldn't and can't. Would rather gouge my eyes out than have those images in my head....

[TigerCub]

Did you just look at their FB pages?

If so, since there really was no contact with them, I don't think you actually broke NC....(that's some good new)

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting and I understand the need to want to see what's going on, but as you saw, it just bring you more pain.

 

Just say f**k em and keep with your progress!

[TigerCub]

Perhaps for YOU Pierre.

 

NC means just what the words imply... NO CONTACT (as in not calling, emailing, texting, answering, blah, blah). Looking at pictures, emails, etc. isn't breaking NC. But what ev works for you.

 

Yeah that's how I see it.

But I do agree that looking and photos, letters, emails, txts, etc...just drags out the pain so its probably best to avoid all that - but I don't see it as breaking NC.

[Silly_Girl]

Okay, so the truth is that I actually broke NC yesterday by looking at xMM and W FB pages. I thought after a year I could handle it. I couldn't and can't. Would rather gouge my eyes out than have those images in my head....

 

I hope curiousity doesn't get the better of you again. I understand how hard it is. But it's you that suffers. Anyway, maybe he looks great but has contracted some nasty disease that makes him smell awful. Or maybe his willy's dropped off. You can't see that stuff in cheesey photos

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[chalkfarm]

True NC means not looking at old photos, not reading old emails, and not holding prior presents. The best NC is not to have contact with anything remotely related to the prior relationship.

 

Any contact sets the person back and prolongs the agony.

 

I have to agree.

[chalkfarm]

I agree that is probably true for some TC. I'm in week 3 of NC and I actually find some level of comfort in looking back over our email traffic. NC to me doesn't mean erasing all memories from my brain and if it helps me and hurts no one else then I see no problem. I just don't like it when people make sweeping judgements and subscribe to a one size fits all answer.

 

Sounds like it was painful for the OP to check out FB, but if she didn't leave any messages she hardly broke NC.

 

Hmmm.... at 3 weeks I could have looked at photos of us. At one year I could look at photos of us. But looking at pics of xMM and W snuggled up and lovey-dovey is absolutely heart breaking. I see his life going on. I see him working on his relationship. I see that he now has an i-phone for God's sake! Mine life does not compare. And I'm thinking about throwing out my crumby phone all together and going NC with the world.

[BB07]

I agree that is probably true for some TC. I'm in week 3 of NC and I actually find some level of comfort in looking back over our email traffic. NC to me doesn't mean erasing all memories from my brain and if it helps me and hurts no one else then I see no problem. I just don't like it when people make sweeping judgements and subscribe to a one size fits all answer.

 

Sounds like it was painful for the OP to check out FB, but if she didn't leave any messages she hardly broke NC.

 

 

The point IS........that what she did HURT HER and hopefully she will refrain from any further snooping.

 

BTW........no one ever said or implied that anyone can do a brain sweep/erase. Hell if we could...........we would all move along much faster. I don't see why you are having such an issue with the details of if it was broken or not.

[chalkfarm]

I agree that is probably true for some TC. I'm in week 3 of NC and I actually find some level of comfort in looking back over our email traffic. NC to me doesn't mean erasing all memories from my brain and if it helps me and hurts no one else then I see no problem. I just don't like it when people make sweeping judgements and subscribe to a one size fits all answer.

 

Sounds like it was painful for the OP to check out FB, but if she didn't leave any messages she hardly broke NC.

P.S. Wiser, there are quite a few xOW who feel LC works best for them despite being pressured both others to go completely NC. So, yes you are correct - one size does not fit all.

[BB07]

Hmmm.... at 3 weeks I could have looked at photos of us. At one year I could look at photos of us. But looking at pics of xMM and W snuggled up and lovey-dovey is absolutely heart breaking. I see his life going on. I see him working on his relationship. I see that he now has an i-phone for God's sake! Mine life does not compare. And I'm thinking about throwing out my crumby phone all together and going NC with the world.

 

Chalk.........as others suggested, you need to find a new therapist. You need to find joy and happiness in your life instead of thinking about your life ceasing and him getting all the joy.

[chalkfarm]

The point IS........that what she did HURT HER and hopefully she will refrain from any further snooping.

 

BTW........no one ever said or implied that anyone can do a brain sweep/erase. Hell if we could...........we would all move along much faster. I don't see why you are having such an issue with the details of if it was broken or not.

God! What I wouldn't give to sweep it all away!

 

There was a sort-of pop-psychology party book printed many years ago titled something like "Questions" or "The Little Book of Questions". Anyway, there was a question - If could have the most perfect year of your life but at the end of the year you would remember nothing, would you take the perfect year?

 

Hmmm.....

 

Yes, yes, somewhat off topic. And my own sad little topic at that.

[chalkfarm]

I certainly don't consider myself as LC. I've had NC with xMM and plan on remaining just that.

I didn't mean to imply that you are in LC - just using it as an example.

 

Thanks so much for your well wishes. I'm sendin' some right back at ya!

[chalkfarm]

...him getting all the joy.

 

Interesting words. I do suspect that he is happy and healthy in his reconciled M. As ugly as it sounds, I hope he's not. He hurt me so badly that I will NEVER wish him well. EVER.

 

At the beginning of NC, I would hear on the nightly news about a car accident on some highway and I wished it was him. I'm not a "prayer" but I certainly could focus mighty hard on his demise.

 

As for a new shrink - I can't really afford the one I have and he went down from $350 per session to $150 for me. I doubt another would do that. Of course, I'll never know if I don't do some homework.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I looked back because I didn't remember your story.

 

Do you remember these words?

 

Both. I think that I must forgive him to be free of him. I don't want to carry around anger and resentment - they just replace love and longing. Replacing one emotion for another doesn't really get that man out of my life.

 

I must forgive myself for...... being a fool and succumbing to weakness, hurting others (whether directly or indirectly), being uncharacteristically selfish, being devastatingly hard on myself, tricking myself into believing that he was the best I could do, apologizing endlessly for things that aren't my fault, not being better to myself, not cutting myself a little slack, and the list goes on....

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. You're mad because he is/seems happy and you're not? I'm afraid that if he was miserable you would still be unhappy. I realize that it is easy to say and might sound trite, but only YOU and you alone can fix that.

[Lita5051]

The FB interaction is as qs bad as seeing the person in a coffee shop. Furthermore, it set back the poster. The poster thar rereads old emails is fooling herself. She is medicating her pain for short term gain. In the long run her withdrawal will last longer.

 

I think viewing happy family pictures on FB would "kill me" even more than talking to my XMM! When you talk to him you only get his side of the story and you can start fooling yourself into thinking that your connection with him was real and meaningful. But looking a pics that are posted for the world to see...you can't deny the relationship he has with his W and it just reinforces that the guy is a big DBag!! I am so happy that my XMM and his W have their FB's on lockdown...therefore no temptation to look...and feel that pain. I am sorry that you are hurting.

[BB07]

Interesting words. I do suspect that he is happy and healthy in his reconciled M. As ugly as it sounds, I hope he's not. He hurt me so badly that I will NEVER wish him well. EVER.

 

At the beginning of NC, I would hear on the nightly news about a car accident on some highway and I wished it was him. I'm not a "prayer" but I certainly could focus mighty hard on his demise.

 

As for a new shrink - I can't really afford the one I have and he went down from $350 per session to $150 for me. I doubt another would do that. Of course, I'll never know if I don't do some homework.

 

I get the part about not wishing him well, I really do.

 

Check into the new shrink thing........it can't hurt.

 

Sending you a hug.........

[BB07]

Sorry, BB- I got wrapped up in the post by Pierre. I'll just STFU.

 

No problemo..........we all get wrapped in a detail from time to time. No reason to quite yourself.

[chalkfarm]

I looked back because I didn't remember your story.

 

Do you remember these words?

 

Both. I think that I must forgive him to be free of him. I don't want to carry around anger and resentment - they just replace love and longing. Replacing one emotion for another doesn't really get that man out of my life.

 

I must forgive myself for...... being a fool and succumbing to weakness, hurting others (whether directly or indirectly), being uncharacteristically selfish, being devastatingly hard on myself, tricking myself into believing that he was the best I could do, apologizing endlessly for things that aren't my fault, not being better to myself, not cutting myself a little slack, and the list goes on....

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. You're mad because he is/seems happy and you're not? I'm afraid that if he was miserable you would still be unhappy. I realize that it is easy to say and might sound trite, but only YOU and you alone can fix that.

 

Ah... bound to have been a reply to one of the posters who scares me.

It reeks of intellectualizing and my tendency to quote back what someone else expects me to say/feel.

 

As for hurting because he appears happy???? Well.... yes. Yes. Absolutely. I want him to be miserable stewing in his own crap. My guess would be that he felt nothing about the A (and after reading LS for a year, I suspect that almost all MM feel nothing for their AP).

 

From this distance, it looks like he lied and manipulated me. Period. In my eyes, as of today - he deserves nothing but horrors.

 

Would his unhappiness make me feel "better"? Yes, of course. It would mean he made a mistake and that he is suffering for that mistake. Just as I am suffering for my mistake of having been involved with a MM.

 

Sounds horrible when I read it but right now it is the truth. I am so angry I could explode! Soon-to-be-fired shrink says the anger is a way of turning the feelings outward instead of inward.

Edited June 6, 2011 by chalkfarm

[jwi71]

As for hurting because he appears happy???? Well.... yes. Yes. Absolutely. I want him to be miserable stewing in his own crap.

 

Let me get this straight.

 

While you are wallowing in self-imposed misery he's doing just fine, having a happy, normal life with his W. And precisely because he is happy and living, as far as we know, a happy reconciled M - you are even MORE miserable.

 

Easy solution: stop caring how HE is doing.

 

It doesn't matter. Would you feel better if his life was hell? Yes, you already said you would. But would that IMPROVE your life NOW? No. Basically, he STILL affects you. You STILL give him power and control.

 

Live your life for YOU. Not him - because that is what you are doing. STILL wrapped up in him and allowing him to AFFECT your life NOW.

 

Its a conscious choice. One YOU make. Or not. Whenever YOU decide to let it go and move on, you will.

 

My guess would be that he felt nothing about the A (and after reading LS for a year, I suspect that almost all MM feel nothing for their AP)

.

 

So.

 

So he used for a f-ck toy.

So he loved you truly madly deeply.

 

Does it matter which is true or to what degree one or the other is? No.

Why doesn't it matter? Because its over, that's why. HE made his choice...he went back to his W. Doesn't matter WHAT he felt for you or her. HE made his choice. Nothing else matters - because its NOT about you, your value, your worth or anything else. He did what was best for him.

 

From this distance, it looks like he lied and manipulated me. Period. In my eyes, as of today - he deserves nothing but horrors.

 

This simply roots in you past. For a year now you have harbored these ill wills and gotten...well, what? Do they keep you warm at night? Put a smile on your face? Lift this burden from your shoulders? No, no and no.

 

Right now, simply drop it. F_ck him (uh, not literally ok ) Just say" I'm done. I won't let him continue to hurt me". And let. it. go.

 

Would his unhappiness make me feel "better"? Yes, of course. It would mean he made a mistake and that he is suffering for that mistake. Just as I am suffering for my mistake of having been involved with a MM.

 

Sounds horrible when I read it but right now it is the truth. I am so angry I could explode! Soon-to-be-fired shrink says the anger is a way of turning the feelings outward instead of inward.

 

Nah. Everyone goes through that stage I think. But consistent anger is NOT a good or healthy thing. ITs time to move on and the only thing stopping you...is you.

 

Oh I can guess your reaction...."If it was so easy I would have done it already you idiot"

 

My reply: Have you really tried? Because moving on doesn't include looking at his FB. Or hers. That, to me, says still stuck in the past and what could have been (in your mind, he clearly didn't see it that way).

 

Want revenge? OK, go get it. Contact his W and tell her...prove it to her. Prove to her you f_cked her H. Go on...what's stopping you?

 

....and you gain NOTHING by it. Think about it. So, you out him and his world falls apart and he suffers like you. Does that IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? Not really. All you gain is a certain angry smugness that YOU hurt him back. And to me, that hurts you MORE than him in the long run.

 

Just let him go. You still have baggage because you refuse to put it down. Just drop it. Walk away.

 

Live. Live for you. Instead of dreaming of lowering him to your level of misery...rise up to his level of happiness.

 

Now, what can you DO to be happy?

[chalkfarm]

Just let him go. You still have baggage because you refuse to put it down. Just drop it. Walk away.

 

Live. Live for you. Instead of dreaming of lowering him to your level of misery...rise up to his level of happiness.

 

Now, what can you DO to be happy?

 

I hope you don't mind my talking in analogies but -

 

Several years ago a young woman was interviewed on a morning talk show. She had an illness that made aggressive non-malignant tumors grow on and within her organs. She had been through an unfathomable number of major surgeries and as was typical with the progression of her disease, the tumors always grew back. She could keep having the surgeries but eventually the tumors would win the fight.

 

She decided to stop the circus and pain of the surgeries, focusing on palliative care and emotional support. She also decided to quite high school since she would not achieve graduation. She also wanted to spend the time with her family and taking her dream trip to Italy with her mother. The trip to Italy was funded with what was to have been her college fund.

 

The purpose of her story on this AM talk show was not really about her disease or her loss of the full high school experience or that dream vacation. It was really about her attitude.

 

She was very happy. She said most high school kids are "depressed" and wallow in their teen age hormones. She said those kids decided to feel that way. She, on the other hand, decided to be happy. She didn't have much "life time" left, so she wasn't going to spend it being unhappy.

 

I have no doubt that she has since died but what she said was absolutely profound. Obviously, I still think of her and what she said so many years ago.

 

I don't know how easy that is to do - to will one's self "happy" - but this woman was miraculous to me.

 

I suppose that I haven't seen this situation in the same light and I should.

[MissBee]

I hope you don't mind my talking in analogies but -

 

Several years ago a young woman was interviewed on a morning talk show. She had an illness that made aggressive non-malignant tumors grow on and within her organs. She had been through an unfathomable number of major surgeries and as was typical with the progression of her disease, the tumors always grew back. She could keep having the surgeries but eventually the tumors would win the fight.

 

She decided to stop the circus and pain of the surgeries, focusing on palliative care and emotional support. She also decided to quite high school since she would not achieve graduation. She also wanted to spend the time with her family and taking her dream trip to Italy with her mother. The trip to Italy was funded with what was to have been her college fund.

 

The purpose of her story on this AM talk show was not really about her disease or her loss of the full high school experience or that dream vacation. It was really about her attitude.

 

She was very happy. She said most high school kids are "depressed" and wallow in their teen age hormones. She said those kids decided to feel that way. She, on the other hand, decided to be happy. She didn't have much "life time" left, so she wasn't going to spend it being unhappy.

 

I have no doubt that she has since died but what she said was absolutely profound. Obviously, I still think of her and what she said so many years ago.

 

I don't know how easy that is to do - to will one's self "happy" - but this woman was miraculous to me.

I suppose that I haven't seen this situation in the same light and I should.

 

Great story!

 

You're not dying of a terminal illness....and if you were...how would that change things? Would your priority be to worry about your former MM?

 

We ALL get caught up in the blame game and self-pity but sometimes we need to slap ourselves and see the larger perspective. Life is what you make it! You have life and health and can choose to say, this was a horrible chapter, but the rest is STILL unwritten (didn't mean to be corny ). It's not the end of the road...you're not on your death bed...you CAN overcome this point and heal and live a terrific life far removed from this moment.

 

When my ex and I broke up he was doing all sorts of things and his life appeared to be glorious and I felt soooo mad...then realized, WTF, I had a life before him and I will have a life after. If he is happy, sad, dead or alive it has no real effect on my life and once I realized he was gonna do him no matter if I was crying, happy, sad or what...then it made me feel ridiculous to not choose happiness. It didn't come overnight but just making that choice alone started the process to getting there.

Edited June 7, 2011 by MissBee

[chalkfarm]

 

When my ex and I broke up he was doing all sorts of things and his life appeared to be glorious and I felt soooo mad...then realized, WTF, I had a life before him and I will have a life after. If he is happy, sad, dead or alive it has no real effect on my life and once I realized he was gonna do him no matter if I was crying, happy, sad or what...then it made me feel ridiculous to not choose happiness. It didn't come overnight but just making that choice alone started the process to getting there.

 

Thank you. This sort-of example is very valuable to me.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who got really angry or felt really left out.... it matters that others feel or have felt the same. It makes the feelings less monstrous and destructive. More normal and human.... I guess...

Edited June 7, 2011 by chalkfarm

[MissBee]

Thank you. This sort-of example is very valuable to me.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who got really angry or felt really left out.... it matters that others feel or have felt the same. It makes the feelings less monstrous and destructive. More normal and human.... I guess...

 

You're welcome.

 

You're hurt...it's normal. I felt it too. I had the belief for a while that my ex "owed me". I couldn't move on because I expected him to "man up", apologize, explain his behavior, admit he was wrong, give me "closure" or in some far-fetched way that I didn't want to admit, admit he was wrong and I am the greatest thing to ever happen to him and give up the world for me so we could be together None of which happened. This was a regular relationship btw....not an OW/MM situation.

 

I kept holding on to the promises he made at the time, kept analyzing him and trying to figure out why he lied or what happened why things changed and it wasn't fair, why didn't he want to be with me anymore when he said he wanted to be with me for a long time, he left me with the sandcastle I built in the sky and it was crumbling and I wanted it all back and as much as I felt I hated him....I still had him on some pedestal and made him responsible for me being unhappy.

 

But how wrong, he wasn't responsible. He did and said things he shouldn't have done and said but there were red flags and there's no smoke without fire....but I ignored them.

 

Me trying to rewrite the past or think up how to ruin his future (actually I kept wondering how karma would make his life a mess for me) was all time spent wasted....as it wasn't changing my circumstance or his. He was doing the-devil-knows-what and I was still unhappy! I realized he may have cared about me at one point, but mostly cared about HIMSELF and me wishing for him to care about me or to change my life was giving him way too much credit. He was going to continue living it up, if his life even went to shyt, so what? It wasn't going to affect my fortune. When I realized that truth, it was like a switch was flipped and my healing fast forwarded and I realized wow, I was "trapped" in a cell of my own making with the key in my pocket but yet I'm yelling and screaming for him to come let me out.

 

It was a powerful moment to realize it and ever since, breakups haven't been as hard because I realize MY power and choice and that my happiness doesn't lie with them. It's not to say I don't grieve...that is normal....but trust me, when you're not complete within yourself and realize your true worth, your grieving is so much more consuming and your expectations are so much more unrealistic. You tend to put so much more on other people: blame, expectations, idealize them, demonize them etc. When you're in a healthy place....you don't build futures with men who can't give you that future you want, they add to your life but don't consume it or make it what it is, you make conscious choices about the relationship and if it is what you need, you have your boundaries and deal breakers and can say NO if your needs aren't being met, you also realize someone is free to change their mind and if they want to leave your life, you can allow them to go, you cry, you scream, you yell then brush it off and you don't internalize it as a rejection of you as a person and deciding that it means you are not worth anything because they didn't stay and they hurt you. It's such a freeing space.

Edited June 7, 2011 by MissBee

[fooled once]

Let me get this straight.

 

While you are wallowing in self-imposed misery he's doing just fine, having a happy, normal life with his W. And precisely because he is happy and living, as far as we know, a happy reconciled M - you are even MORE miserable.

 

Easy solution: stop caring how HE is doing.

 

It doesn't matter. Would you feel better if his life was hell? Yes, you already said you would. But would that IMPROVE your life NOW? No. Basically, he STILL affects you. You STILL give him power and control.

 

Live your life for YOU. Not him - because that is what you are doing. STILL wrapped up in him and allowing him to AFFECT your life NOW.

 

Its a conscious choice. One YOU make. Or not. Whenever YOU decide to let it go and move on, you will.

 

.

 

So.

 

So he used for a f-ck toy.

So he loved you truly madly deeply.

 

Does it matter which is true or to what degree one or the other is? No.

Why doesn't it matter? Because its over, that's why. HE made his choice...he went back to his W. Doesn't matter WHAT he felt for you or her. HE made his choice. Nothing else matters - because its NOT about you, your value, your worth or anything else. He did what was best for him.

 

 

 

This simply roots in you past. For a year now you have harbored these ill wills and gotten...well, what? Do they keep you warm at night? Put a smile on your face? Lift this burden from your shoulders? No, no and no.

 

Right now, simply drop it. F_ck him (uh, not literally ok ) Just say" I'm done. I won't let him continue to hurt me". And let. it. go.

 

Would his unhappiness make me feel "better"? Yes, of course. It would mean he made a mistake and that he is suffering for that mistake. Just as I am suffering for my mistake of having been involved with a MM.

 

 

 

Nah. Everyone goes through that stage I think. But consistent anger is NOT a good or healthy thing. ITs time to move on and the only thing stopping you...is you.

 

Oh I can guess your reaction...."If it was so easy I would have done it already you idiot"

 

My reply: Have you really tried? Because moving on doesn't include looking at his FB. Or hers. That, to me, says still stuck in the past and what could have been (in your mind, he clearly didn't see it that way).

 

Want revenge? OK, go get it. Contact his W and tell her...prove it to her. Prove to her you f_cked her H. Go on...what's stopping you?

 

....and you gain NOTHING by it. Think about it. So, you out him and his world falls apart and he suffers like you. Does that IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? Not really. All you gain is a certain angry smugness that YOU hurt him back. And to me, that hurts you MORE than him in the long run.

 

Just let him go. You still have baggage because you refuse to put it down. Just drop it. Walk away.

 

Live. Live for you. Instead of dreaming of lowering him to your level of misery...rise up to his level of happiness.

 

Now, what can you DO to be happy?

 

Jwl, your posts amaze me. You, young man, are full of wisdom, compassion, caring and humor I love reading your posts!

[chalkfarm]

Jwl, your posts amaze me. You, young man, are full of wisdom, compassion, caring and humor I love reading your posts!

I on the other hand find some of jwl's posts to lack compassion. A perfect example of those who want to slap another into "reality" - a technique that only works in movies.