aaa1212 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Now before I give any details I would like to say that the relationship I am speaking about below is a lesbian one, and I'd appreciate anyone that responds to be respectful and keep their opinions about homosexuality to themselves. I am looking for real, honest, unbiased advice.* I have been dating a girl for roughly three months. I had met her about a year ago and would run into every now and then, but she was always unavailable. 3 months ago, I wound up talking to her and finding out that she was technically single, but in a complicated situation. The situation was that the girl she had been dating for a few months left to study aboard for 3 months, and had told, we'll call her M, to move on. Well, M and I started hanging out very causally at first, but over the course of the last three months we've gotten very close, very quickly. She has pretty much stayed at my apartment every night for the entire duration of this, I have met her entire family and become a regular at family functions; we've gone on vacations with each other and she has even travelled with me to meet my family, who live in another state.* The entire time, I knew there was someone else in the picture. The ex had told M to move on, but then flipped when she found out that M actually had. Ex has been an issue in our relationship because she is always calling, texting, and begging M to give her another chance. That distracts M from being able to be with me 100% The ex has been back for about a month and this whole situation has been very stressful.* Two weeks ago M tried to break it off with me, and then the next day came back saying she felt like she made a mistake and couldn't lose me. *She had told the ex no. Now she is back to being confused as to who she should be with. We're back to square one.* M tells me she loves me, we compliment each other so well, do everything together. She says that she thinks I'm her soulmate, that she will marry me and be with me forever, but that scares her. She says that her and the ex will never work, but that the only way to get the ex out of her mind is to to basically get back together with her. If she doesn't get the closure she needs with the ex, then she and I can never move on without any doubt.* My thing is, if you feel like I'm the one for you, and you and this person would never work, why do you need the closure? She asks me to wait and be patient so she can "tie up these loose ends." But I feel like a backup plan, like second best, not enough for her to not need this "closure." What should I do? Do I wait, and allow her to go be with her ex (to me, to make sure it doesn't work)? Or do I move on? Unfortunately I am so in love with her that my moving on will involve a possible job transfer and cutting her put of my life.* Help?*
Cee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It sounds like your girlfriend has an issue with being alone. She jumps from an intense relationship with one woman to another one (you). Also, three months is too soon for anybody to consider another person a soul mate. Mature relationships thrive on more than love/infatuation. Those things alone would be a huge red flag in any relationship. With that said, she also sounds completely immature in thinking getting back with her ex will bring closure. You and I know that closure is something that a person gets on their own by not contacting their ex. Also, what your girlfriend is doing with the ex is appalling. She wants to get back with the ex to dump her? The ex and you are being played. It might not be malicious, but she is asking you to allow her to cheat on you. Your girlfriend may be a wonderful person, but she has no identity outside of a relationship. The right thing for her to do is to break up with you and the ex and spend some time by herself. But I don't know if she's strong enough to do that now, but my hunch is she will break up with whomever she's with at some point. To sum up, I think it's best that you be the adult and end the relationship. And if you need to move away, go ahead and do so - as long as it will benefit you in the long run. You deserve better than all this.
Author aaa1212 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Wow. Thanks for the reply. My head is saying you're exactly right, but unfortunately my heart is what's keeping me here. She keeps assuring me that she will come back, that she just needs to end it with her and the ex this way and she doesn't know what else to do. I agree that closure comes from getting that person out of your life.* We actually aren't technically girlfriends ... Over the course of three months we've haven't had a title. Does that change anything? We don't have the title but pretty much have been in a gf type situation. She actually admitted to sleeping with the ex three times; twice while I was out of town and once while I was here. Last weekend she flat out asked me to be her girlfriend, that she was ready to commit, and then this all came up again and we removed the title. I told her I have opportunities to pursue outside of where we currently live, and I feel like she's so scared to lose me that she will say anything to keep me here but I can't believe a word she says because her actions are so contradictory.*
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