good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Seriously though. If a guy contacted me every hour I would run... block his # from my phone... needy creeper alert... but if you are into it, OK. On a positive note, he must really dig you to be into doing something like that.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 It's also cute how he always takes care that I am not hungry or cold. I got a text this morning: "Good morning darling, it's going to be 3C tonight at the stadium so make sure you wear at least 3 layers of clothing to keep warm. Kiss you all over :)" (note: we are going to a soccer match after work)
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Star_gazer I don't post on here much, but followed your recent thread and ES's. How you can ask her to stay off your thread (which she agreed to if you'd extend her the same courtesy) and then post nothing but negativity on her's is beyond me. Have you followed ALL of our threads? Including all of ES's other names? There's a distinct difference in our posting. I comment in all of her threads, with both positive feedback as well as criticism - it depends on what's going on. She, on the other hand, only comments on my threads when she has something negative to say, and is usually the sole naysayer... It's a little... vindictive, it seems. Hopefully that's not her true intent, but over the years that's the only conclusion I've been able to draw. This is why I ask her not to post in my threads, as her intent is different than mine - it's clearly not to help me, or anyone else reading the thread who might be experiencing the same thing. When I post, I realize she might not be listening - but someone else might be. But, we are ostensibly all adults here, so of course, she is free to post in my threads, and I in hers. If one of us doesn't like what the other has to say in general, that's what the ignore feature is for. She's said more than once than I am on ignore, so.... I do agree with you, however, that nothing should be taken away from the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his past relationships - yet. Eventually, ES will need to know, but at such an early stage in the relationship, it makes sense that he'd keep those particular cards close to the vest.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 "Exhausting" was the word that popped into my head when I read the OP. I feel sorry for the guy. He's trying really hard, but no one can continue servicing that level of need. It sounds more like taking care of an infant that it does dating a grown woman. I am actually quite troubled by it. It's as though she wants him to almost fathe her.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It's also cute how he always takes care that I am not hungry or cold. I got a text this morning: "Good morning darling, it's going to be 3C tonight at the stadium so make sure you wear at least 3 layers of clothing to keep warm. Kiss you all over :)" (note: we are going to a soccer match after work) That's good! Then, every hour he can text you exactly which items of clothing should be included in the layers. By game time, he will have mentioned them all and probably have completed his textual obligations for today. Whew! Have fun at the game, be sure to wear your Ice Breakers, and bring trail mix.
EasyHeart Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I am actually quite troubled by it. It's as though she wants him to almost fathe her. I've been on the other side of this. It's fun for awhile, but eventually you just get worn out.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 As for the phone call, we BOTH don't really like talking on the phone. I don't think that's true. In the breakup thread you had deleted, you posted an email he wrote you wherein he complained that you never called him, and that he was always the one calling you. That suggests to me that he DOES want you to call him more... Otherwise, why would he complain about it? Really, all you've talked about here is all the effort HE has put in to make YOU happy. But what about him? That can be a rhetorical question, if you want... My only point is that a relationship takes TWO people who BOTH give and receive, not one who gives gives gives and the other who just takes. So do something nice for him, on the regular - just as he does for you. In short, give what you get. Reciprocate. As TA so eloquently said, you can't get love without giving love. So start giving!!
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 If she has to reciprocate and text him hourly as he is required to text her, I fear that neither one of them would be able to remain gainfully employed. There would not be enough hours in the day to perform the maintenance on this relationship! Okay, all joking aside - I am happy that you're happy, ES. I think the "terms" are over the top and you have set yourself up as so high maintenance that any guy will be bound to fail sooner or later, so I hope that you will find it in your heart to cut him some slack - often. Speaking just for myself, being contacted every hour, or being expected to do so would smother any sparkly feelings for me pretty darn quick.
Intricategirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 FWIW, I think you've made a lot of progress. And I know I'm pretty tough on you sometimes as well. But it's because I don't think that relationships can be held up against each other. What I mean is that it doesn't matter how much progress you've made. It matters where you're at now. They weren't in your past relationships, so they only have the present to judge you on. And I hope you'll forgive me for phrasing it like this, but you can't say, "I'm so much less crazy now" because all they are seeing is the crazy; not the "less". There's no comparison point for them. There's got to be balance. You know this. You also know this pace can't be maintained forever. Does that mean move on to the next one or learn how to enjoy existing at a more comfortable pace? You'll have to decide. But there's GOING to be a day when he doesn't text you. There's going to come a time when he's not drawing hearts on foggy windows anymore. And it doesn't mean he's p*ssed off, angry with you, wants to break up, or even that he had a bad day. It means that he is comfortable with you, and didn't think he needed to remind you every five minutes that he wants to be with you, and he's probably thinking about his grocery list instead. It sounds boring, but focus on the he's comfortable being with you part and accept that the sky isn't falling just because he might be thinking of something else.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 FYI, I never asked him to text me every hour. I asked him for at least once per day contact and he started the hourly thing... I do cook for him and send him loving messages ALL the time. I would also say that sexually I give more than I get but it doesn't bother me.
Chocolat Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm happy for you, ES. I hope you can find and maintain a balance that works well for both of you.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I'm happy for you, ES. I hope you can find and maintain a balance that works well for both of you. Thanks Chocolat
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Good looking couple in that avie....the lady is cute. Don't sweat the other ball squeezers in here, ES..... they are just old ass angry washed up bitches trying to knock you down. I'll stick up for you.... Thanks for the nice words EOTWTROLL whoever you are
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Defender against the Elitist bitches is who I am;) Well then, welcome to my thread
johan Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm happy things are going well for you, ES. You've made it last with your willingness to take risks and be open, even though it's against your nature. He seems like a good guy to be doing this with. And you're smart to be taking the better advice you get on here while ignoring people who are more interested in being right than they are in seeing you succeed. Good luck.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I'm happy things are going well for you, ES. You've made it last with your willingness to take risks and be open, even though it's against your nature. He seems like a good guy to be doing this with. And you're smart to be taking the better advice you get on here while ignoring people who are more interested in being right than they are in seeing you succeed. Good luck. Aw that's very sweet of you johan Also, thanks heaps for all your advice - it really helped.
johan Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Aw that's very sweet of you johan Also, thanks heaps for all your advice - it really helped. I'm trying to imagine what that sounds like with an Australian accent. No luck.
betterdeal Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Totally, 10000% disagree. SHE hasn't made any progress at all, unless you consider her SINGLE phone call progress... I don't. HE has made progress in her eyes, by submitting to her demands for literally constant over the top reassurance and attention/validation. But has she learned anything or grown? Nope. She has, loads. She has not stewed on some crumb in her beard, decided the sky is going to fall down then called the relationship off without talking to the guy about her concerns, which is really good progress, and the results are here to see: the relationship is now into months, not days or weeks. You asked another poster had they read her other threads. Have you? Do you remember how hyper-vigilant and scared she was of being hurt to the point of calling things off within days? Don't expect people to become perfect overnight, because they don't. It takes time, practice, courage and a bit of luck. This is real progress. She is talking to him. Personally, I think he can improve too. He can learn to be able to say "no", "let me think about it" or to negotiate something more likeable for him, rather than always saying "yes" to every request. Had he replied, "I appreciate you want more contact. How about at least once a day? I don't want to promise more than that and not be able to keep that" if, for instance, that's what he wants? They may well have negotiated on this fine tuning point, agreed on before and after work, or something like that. This way they can both express themselves, and come up with solutions that are mutually agreeable. It's unrealistic and undoable to expect one person to come up with the solution all the time. You interact with each other on points of disagreement, and use them as growth points. So long as you see the long game is going well and don't get despondent about the short game, you'll be onto a winner. How to get that across to him? Well, the same process i.e. you talk to him. You maybe buy two copies of Relationships for Dummies, give him one and say you'd like him to read it and then the two of you compare notes, see if there's anything in there you can try out together. You can make it a fun and learning experience. And the not talking about exes thing? Why do you want to hear about it? As long as he's processed any conflict within, and got over any past issues, that's what matters to you, right? Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you about it because it's you, or because it's difficult to express, or because he has got over it, talked it through with a therapist and wants to leave that chapter in the past. So the deeper question would be, "I know you'd prefer not to talk about your past relationships, and I respect that. I would, however, like to know if you feel you have successfully processed any issues from the past? It's okay to ask for help, maybe from a therapist, and, to be honest, I think that might be a better choice than me, because you know what I'm like! Anyway, just thought I'd let you know why I asked about the past. I'll leave it at that." Edited June 7, 2011 by betterdeal
johan Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 You asked another poster had they read her other threads. Have you? No one pays closer attention to ES's threads than Star.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 No one pays closer attention to ES's threads than Star. what can I say
Els Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Great to hear that, ES. I seldom agree with Star, and completely disagree with her method of telling you off here in one of the few happy-threads you've had occasion to make, but I also do think you should try and reciprocate his effort. Make him breakfast in bed in return, give him a massage, or something. There is absolutely no reason a man should be the one making 99% of the effort in a R. All the best!
Nexus One Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Just to be clear, is this a new boyfriend ES or is this the engineer guy from a while back? Just to be clear, is this a new boyfriend ES or is this the engineer guy from a while back?
col182 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 At least it's working out for someone. I'm lucky these days if I get to see my girlfriend during the week or even a text a day.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Just to be clear, is this a new boyfriend ES or is this the engineer guy from a while back? Sorry, missed that. It's the engineer guy. I feel like things are getting better and better with him He teasingly tells me that he thinks I am smarter than him. We did an online IQ test yesterday and scored exactly the same
welikeincrowds Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Sorry, missed that. It's the engineer guy. I feel like things are getting better and better with him He teasingly tells me that he thinks I am smarter than him. We did an online IQ test yesterday and scored exactly the same So, he has an 80 IQ too?
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