My fiance dumped me

[texas25]

I just got dumped by my fiance 2 weeks ago, out of the blue. She gave trivial reasons for breaking up with me, and said that she needs time to think. We were together for 4 years and engaged for 10 months, isn't that enough time? She doesn't want to work things out, and now she doesn't even want to speak to me. She ended it so suddenthat the hurt hasn't even begun. The worse part is, 2 days before, we got pre-approved for a mortgage. 2 days before! It all just came so sudden. But, the light at the end of the tunnel is my friends. They can't begin to understand where she came from, but they have helped me so much to get back on my feet.

 

I am back with my parents and am looking to move out, which is a start. It's just so hard to have hopes and dreams of buying a house and getting married to your "soulmate," and 10 minutes later, BAM! you're world comes crashing down. I can't even talk to her about it. She won't call and she won't listen. How quick can one person change their mind? I guess I'll never know.

[freebird]

Wow Texas, I'm sorry to hear this! I have to say, however, that chances are that she has probably been thinking about this for AWHILE to do this to you. Believe me, it just did not come out of the blue. She SHOULD have told you how she was feeling, if she had doubts or fears - to just leave like that is just cowardly. You deserve a hell of a lot more than that - and if she can't be a real woman and talk things out with you - you do not want her for the long haul. What if things were REALLY wrong - like sickness, fianancial ruin - do you think she'd still be around? She bailed on you and things are GOOD!

 

I know it hurts like hell, it sucks and there is no way around it. But, I'd face the pain head-on - grieve, get angry - whatever you need to do - and however long it takes. The good news is - by then - hopefully she will be out of your system and you can find a NEW love and a woman who has some CLASS worthy of your affection!! Good luck...and hopefully you will find peace and move on. Take care buddy...and lean on your friends...they are good for you now!

[hurtingandconfused]

I agree with freebird.

[freebird]

Thanks hurting... I agree with your quote too! Some people just don't get it - how their actions hurt others...but you know...what comes around goes around! I just no longer deal with people who my gut says I can't trust!

[sinkerswim]

I am very sorry to hear about that, Texas.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too was pretty much "dumped" out of the blue by my fiance...and we were together 8 solid years.

 

I know..you just want answers. Everything seems so good and then its taken away so suddenly.

 

Just try to keep busy...think positive..

live every day one day at a time..hour by hour if needed.

Thats what I do.

Its the hardest thing in the world to go through..I know.

Its just like a death to me.

 

Come here whenever you feel you have to and vent...

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Some people just don't get it - how their actions hurt others

 

And some people just don't care.

[reservoirdog1]

You said it, KD.

 

Tex... I know you're hurting. It's a stomp to the gut. And it will take you time to get over it.

 

But, at least you got a heads-up, BEFORE the deed was done. At least you got that heads-up before you had a house together, kids, shared assets, etc. I wasn't so fortunate -- TBXW kept up the charade for 7 years and had several affairs. I can't totally wish we'd never gotten married, because if we hadn't I wouldn't have my kids. But in every other sense, I wish she'd had the strength to tell me she was secretly unhappy during the engagement and just end it. Eight years would have passed and I would have moved on long ago. Instead, I'm here, trying to launch a new career while still dealing with residual feelings of anger and betrayal, plus all the legal bullsh*t that comes with a divorce.

 

I'm not totally over it Tex, but I will be. The day after TBXW told me she wanted out, I felt like my life was over. I was a wreck for two months. But since then, I've realized that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. If I can take something like this and keep going, I can take just about anything life throws at me.

 

Good luck, brother... stay strong.

[hurtingandconfused]

If I can take something like this and keep going, I can take just about anything life throws at me.

 

I have lots of respect for you. And now I have the same mentality as you because of my experience. Hope the best for you.

[uriel]

Tex,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this, and glad you've got good friends to stick by you. Sad thing is, it's probably the mortgage / homebuying stuff that sent your fiancee packing. For people who are afraid of commitment, serious events such as being now called "boyfriend / girlfriend," meeting the family, buying a home, getting married, or even having kids are the signal that they're in too deep and need to run. They say they want these things, but can't handle getting them.

 

I doubt that this happened because this girl doesn't love you. You were too close to getting married for that to be a serious factor. I think it's much more likely that she's either immature or a commitmentphobe.

 

Either way, you're much better off NOT marrying her, not right now if she's immature and not ever if she's a cp. You can't wait for her to grow up or get healthy, of course -- and you're not, which is so encouraging.

 

Hang in there -- some woman's going to realize you're a catch, the kind of man who follows through on his promises. She's out there.

 

-- uriel

[texas25]

Thank you, everyone for the encouraging words. Your all right. I needed to hear those things . The truth is painful, but she probably is imature, and afraid of commitment, or just a plain cruel person. I never saw her as evil when I told her I loved her, or when we held eachother. But, now, I do see as someone who wasn't honest, and that hurts. To feel like you know someone better than you know yourself, and then find out, the person you love is a stranger.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce reservoir, I hope you find what your looking for. And KD, your right, some people just DON'T care. It's just hard to realize you love someone like that.....Thanks again.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

You said it, KD.

 

Tex... I know you're hurting. It's a stomp to the gut. And it will take you time to get over it.

 

But, at least you got a heads-up, BEFORE the deed was done. At least you got that heads-up before you had a house together, kids, shared assets, etc. I wasn't so fortunate -- TBXW kept up the charade for 7 years and had several affairs. I can't totally wish we'd never gotten married, because if we hadn't I wouldn't have my kids. But in every other sense, I wish she'd had the strength to tell me she was secretly unhappy during the engagement and just end it. Eight years would have passed and I would have moved on long ago. Instead, I'm here, trying to launch a new career while still dealing with residual feelings of anger and betrayal, plus all the legal bullsh*t that comes with a divorce.

 

I'm not totally over it Tex, but I will be. The day after TBXW told me she wanted out, I felt like my life was over. I was a wreck for two months. But since then, I've realized that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. If I can take something like this and keep going, I can take just about anything life throws at me.

 

Good luck, brother... stay strong.

 

Hi,

 

I've been reading your post and reservoirdog's answer and I sudddenly remebered this book I've read some time ago, called "I loved her" or "I used to love her" - not quite sure about the translation of the title in English.

 

The author's name is Ana Gavalda and is about a woman that gets dumped out of the blue by her husband after 10 years of marriage. It all happened during a week-end with her at her in-low family. Her father in-low cares for her deeply and share with her his secret: he also wanted to leave his wife at a certain time, didn't, and regreted not having the courage, for the rest of his life. So maybe it's good to be devasted and heart-broken but at least preserve the hope for hapiness at some point latter.

 

The book was quite a success in France a couple of years ago,almost certain it was translated in English. Maybe you'll feel better after reading it.

 

Good luck!

[jmargel]

You need closure, until then you can't start the grieving process. You have every right to contact her and to have her tell you why she did this. Look back and be truly honest with yourself. Was there anytimes she mentioned she was unhappy about 'this' or 'that'. Was there something you did in the past?

 

If two people are truly happy with each other I find it very strange one would just pick up and leave. Unless she's has a serious mental condition she was probably thinking about it for awhile. Is she with someone else? It could've been she just got cold feet and did what the minority do when they are in that situation.

 

I was in the same exact situation as you, I was with my fiancee for 4 1/2 years and was engaged for a year. We lived together and one day she tells me she is leaving me. Found out she was seeing my ex best friend of 15 years and though her & me were having some problems he was compounding it more by telling her things.

 

Don't go by what your friends or her friends say. When you communicate with her tell her that anything that is said about each other or the situation should only be said between you two. Otherwise people have a way of distorting the story to make it more dramatized.

 

Let us know when you gain contact with her again. It took 3 years after our breakup for my ex-fiancee to come to my house and apologized for everything she did. By then it was way too late but it was finally nice to hear that I wasn't in the wrong.

 

Right now you have a lot of questions to be answered. Don't jump to conclusions that she's 'immature' or 'this' or 'that'. Though one this is obvious there was a lack of communication between you two. Hang in there..

[Rumbagirl]

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. I know how something like this can make your life turn upside down. This happened to me over a year and a half ago. My fiance dumped me over the phone and the only reason he gave me was: I have to find myself. He refused to meet in person to give me closure. I really needed closure and to ask him questions. I see it now this way---anyone who is so cold as to not give me closure is a worthless human being.

 

It's tough because he and I are in the same profession and everyone knew about the relationship and the breakup. Of course, your friends and family will say things like 'better to know now than later' and various platitutes of that measure. These don't help, really, they just annoy you a little more and make you wish you could talk to that person or at least turn back time.

 

Now, a year and a half later, I am grateful that it did happen. My life improved tremedously, I am happy, and I am secure in my life. He rushed off and found another woman and is getting married soon. I say, have a good life and I am glad you aren't in mine.

 

I know it's tough to see this now, but in time you will see things clearly, and good things will come to you. Of this, I am sure.

 

Keep your head up, keep your faith, and know a higher power is looking out for you (whatever you believe in).

[reservoirdog1]

You know, Tex, sometimes things have a strange way of working out.

 

My Dad discovered this in his life. When he was about 22, working as a carpenter, he fell off a roof and broke his back. That changed his life. He lay in a hospital bed for months while his back healed, with lots of time to think. When he was discharged, he went back and finished highschool, went to university, and married my Mom, who'd already gone to university. If that hadn't happened, she'd probably have ended up marrying somebody else.

 

He also had a heart attack a few years ago. It was a minor one. But it started the doctors looking for more potential problems. As a result, they found a blockage that would probably have gone into his heart in the next year and killed him (after the surgery, they told him they call that kind of blockage "the widowmaker"). He's recovered beautifully.

 

When I was looking for a job at the end of my return to school, I took a position with a smaller company, less prestige, less pressure, and less money. My reason was that I had a wife and children and didn't want to be at my desk from 7 am to 10 pm, six days a week, and half a day on Sunday. TBXW gave what she convinced me was her total support for this. I'd had an interview scheduled at a larger, more prestigious company that would have paid me more.

 

After she dropped the bomb on me, she told me, "if you'd wanted to work at [big company], we could have made it work."

 

I'm definitely glad I went with the smaller firm. Firstly, they've been extremely understanding as I've dealt with the emotional trauma of my marriage ending. The larger firm would have fired me or made me take a leave of absence, probably without pay.

 

Secondly, if I'd gone to the big company, I probably wouldn't have found out the truth about my marriage when I did. It likely would have kept her able to fake happiness for a few more years, wasting even more of my time. (She's told me that she wishes she could have kept faking it forever, but why in the hell would I ever have wanted that?)

 

Besides, eventually I would have found out the truth, about her multiple affairs and deception -- several of my friends knew before I did. And by then, a few more years would have passed. Naturally, I'd rather have found out about the pre-marriage affair and ended things then. But it's too late for that now, obviously.

 

It's weird, but I look back at some of the things I did (e.g. leaving the job market for a year to be a full-time dad while she worked, which she again gave her total outward support to but which secretly lowered her estimation of me and helped lead her to affair #3) and am even more glad now that I did them than I was then. My year with my daughter was something I'll never forget. If I could do it all over again, I would. If my taking that year spurred TBXW on even more to end the marriage, then in a perverse way it was worth it. I don't want to be married to a fraud. I want to be married to somebody who loves me for who I am, not for who they're hoping I'll become.

 

The point being, anything that spurred on my discovery of the true nature of my marriage was probably a good thing. Yes, it would have been better if I'd found out sooner, but I didn't.

 

And, I'm only 32. There's time to start over, to build a new life, to find somebody better, who's actually worth giving your heart to. For both of us, Tex. They're out there somewhere, maybe in the same situation we're in right now. Never stop doubting that.

[Rightlymia]

You had no clue this was coming? She wasn't acting strangely or anything? One day you'll be glad you never actually married her.

[texas25]

She showed no signs or acted differently at all.

 

Well, she wrote me a nasty letter the other day. She blamed me for all of our fights and she wrote that I said all these terrible things to her. I never said any of the things she wrote. She brought up fights we had years ago, and warped them around to make me look like a monster. She told me I held her back. She got her master's degree while we were together, I think if I was holding her back she wouldn't have gone that far in school. Maybe I'm naive, but I thought we had it good.

 

She also wrote "every time we took a step forward, I figured things would get bette." If things sucked that bad, why would she want to keep taking steps forward? She wrote all these lies and hurtful things to me, I think, because she wants to tell herself that she's better off without me. She finished the letter by saying she doesn't regret one second we spent together, and she still wants to be friends. Does that sound like words that would come from someone who had such a bad relationship. How could she tell me I did so much wrong, but not regret staying with me?

 

I called her to ask why she lied and tore me apart in a letter(the coward wouldn't say these things to my face), and asked why it took her so long to give me these reasons. She told me she needed time to think about why she wanted to break up with me. That sounds like she's just making things up. She said she didn't lie about what she wrote, she just remembers things that way. Does she think I'm stupid? like I don't reember things, and she can make stuff up?

 

Anyway, I got the closure I needed because I also found out from one of her friends(who doesn't understand her, either, by the way) that the day after we broke up she started talking to some kid she met at a bar. Her friend did say she only talked to him for a couple of days and then told him she wasn't ready to get back into a relationship yet. Good for her, but, if she's going to go out and meet guys 1 day after calling off our engagement, than I guess I didn't mean as much to her as I thought...Or maybe I was a big jerk and I just don't remember. Oh, well. Sorry for saying so much, but I just had to vent. Thank you all for your kind words of support, I wish you all the best.

[freebird]

You know, I have to say something that may not seem possible, but I think at some point, you need to give YOURSELF closure. I know there are a lot of unanswered questions that we want answered by the EX, but sometimes, even they can't answer them. These people that hurts us so much, they obviously do not know themselves either!!

 

It took me a long time to get over a fiance from years ago, but after months of him not telling me why it ended, I said F*** it, this is lame. He doesn't know WHY?

 

Why give these people power over you? Why wait until THEY give you closure - that's giving them way too much credit or, power over your life. Give it to yourself.

 

Just say to yourself...that was all they could give and shut the door on them! If they come back, just say NO! You will eventually forgive, but you can't forget. And nobody should be treated the way we have...it's about simple human dignity and class.

 

Cry, yell, grive, whatever you have to do however long it takes, but don't let them be the one to give you closure - give it to yourself! You have the power, not them.