Too logical Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Mods: I didnt know the best place for this. Feel free to move where appropriate. I am feeling super depressed about my relationship. I just wanted to vent somewhere. In the past I would have laughed at posting emotions anonymously on the Internet, but I really need to. My fiancé and I have not had sex in six months and we have had a distancing for 1-1.5 years. I am generally a very secure and successful guy. Tonight I asked my fiancé if she had been cheating on me. She started crying and snapped at me saying "how could I even ask her that". I responded that "we were emionally distant and hadn't had sex in six months". She was very hurt and angry with me saying I didn't even know her. We have been going to therapy for a year now. Last week the therapist said I was emotionally unavailable. My fiancé defended me saying I wasn't which was nice. I am a "fixer" and as hard as I try to not do it I realize I do. My fiancé and my family do not get along. The holidays are very stressful for everyone. My family has a tradition of spending the holidays in a cabin. Last year her and I rented a separate cabin as the year before I she had flown home because she was so unhappy and fighting with my family. Last year I even suggested she stay at home and I go visit my family for the holidays. She was very angry with me saying how could I possibly say that. She then said how could I possibly not see how that could hurt her being alone for Christmas. I wasn't trying to be hurtful I was just looking for a solution. A few months ago she went to a friends birthday party when I was out of town. The six girls ended up at our house and they were drinking talking about sex lives. They were very impressed with my fiancée past sexual exploits. When she told me this I got a bit defensive and said " how could you let them think that?". Looking back this was very mean and immature thing for me to say. I want to justify it but I think I can only say I am a bit of a jerk. I have apologized many times but she is still hurt. At therapy we discussing things and I feel a bit like all the problems in the relationship are my fault. It usually ties back to me and my lack of empathy and being to logical. My logical attitude bothers her as she feels there is no passion in the relationship. I agree we have no passion but i only feel I am partly to blame. I want to change and be what she needs, but that doesn't seem very realistic and is probaly not possible. I have also been going to strip clubs. I havent been in the past six months as I felt guilt ridden but i went a few times the prior six months to a year. I never thought about why but after writing this I can see why. I am so sad and want this to work so badly. I feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind too, except make this relationship work. She says subconsciously I don't want to be in this relationship. Every time I am around her I feel as though I am annoying her. Last night she was frustrated with me for talking to quietly. Then I gave her a massage and she was annoyed with how I gave it. I have never felt like this before with anyone. When I brought it up today she said it's because it's what I do and how I treat her. **** that's depressing. Another issue we have is with criticism. We visited her family a month ago and I did lots of cooking with her mom. They are from Canada and have a different tastes than I do. I made a few dishes that were not my best and didn't go over well with the family. I asked her about it and she gave me some constructive critiscm on areas I had gone wrong. Two weeks ago she made me dinner while I was out working. I came in and was very excited about how great everything smelled. We then sat down to eat, and I dint really like the fish as it was dried. I realized she had spent a few hours cooking so I didn't mention anything. After a few minutes she asked me what I thought and I was honest and said it was good but a bit dry. We got in a big fight and she began crying. I felt like I was in a very tough spot. She had said the exact same thing to me about my cooking just weeks earlier. I felt like I couldn't be honest with her or say my true feelings. I guess I just need to lie in the future but I feel so disingenuous not being truthful. Our therapist said she wasn't asking for how I felt about the meal but instead looking for praise on her hard work. I feel a bit pathetic writing this but I need to get it off my chest. I am really sad and feel like this relationship has been dying for the past year. I used to be so good about letting go but I just can't. Thanks for listening. Edited June 6, 2011 by Too logical Added more.
utterer of lies Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 y fiancé and I have not had sex in six months and we have had a distancing for 1-1.5 years. And why exactly don't you just break it off?
heartshaped Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think you are desperately trying to hold onto something that just isn't working. I understand that you love her and she loves you, but the end of a relationship is like a band-aid. You need to rip it off quickly. You both are just prolonging the inevitable and making things more painful than they need to be for you both. It isn't going to work. It just seems like the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Be honest with yourself and her.
Bryanp Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think it is very interesting that she did not actually say she was not cheating on you. She just said how could you ask her that? This is typical of someone who wishes to deflect the question. She was bragging about her past sexual exploits with her girlfriends but she has not had sex with you for the past 6 months....What does that tell you? I do not what you are hanging on to. It is time to move on and certainly do not even think of marrying her. If you are miserable now what do you think it will be like after you are married?
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 She was bragging about her past sexual exploits with her girlfriends but she has not had sex with you for the past 6 months....What does that tell you? Yes, that is quite the observation...people just don't go from having lots of sex to having no sex unless there are medical issues involved.
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