generallyperplexed Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Edit: I've no idea how I came to have a smiley face in the title of this. Not what I'm feeling at all! Hi folks, A 3 year relationship came to an end at the wishes of my now ex-girlfriend last week. I'm early 30s and she's mid 20s. Initially, she said it was because it didn't seem to be going anywhere (we're both still in the parent's respective homes to be fair), but less than 24 hours after this had happened she was chatting to me on Facebook, inviting me to go to a do at another family members and we have chatted most days. We've also seen each other in passing as her brothers have been working with me and the two of us have been chatting in a very friendly manner face to face as well as online. Anyway, she bought up the subject of updating Facebook status from relationship to single about a week later and I tried to coax out of her what she was feeling as to be frank I didn't want this at all even though I agreed to it at the start. The reasons went through 'it doesn't feel right', to 'I love you but not in love with you', to 'I don't love you'. On the third one I gave up and we switched the status to single, proceeded to have a very cheerful Skype conversation and she suggested that we could still be available to each other for sex as well as being good friends! She also said that she hopes I find somebody more suited to me. This has come about with neither of us having anybody else on the horizon, at least not to my knowledge. Do you think she means what she's saying here or am I being a dumb male and missing something here? Edited June 6, 2011 by generallyperplexed Clarification.
Exit Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Hard to really tell what is going on with her, none of us here can really help you with that. All I can do is offer my opinion about what she suggested -- no way. It would be different if the breakup was totally mutual and you were okay with it, but it obviously wasn't what you wanted to happen. If you're both going to be single, but she gets sex and attention from you, you lose everything you want, and she gets everything she wants without having to work for it. I'm sure that's a tempting offer for you or anyone who gets dumped, to stay in close contact with their ex and still be intimate, but you gotta have some dignity and show her that you aren't gonna share yourself with someone who doesn't care enough to make it work with you. But one thing you quickly learn around here, despite all the advice, people are going to do what you want to do. If you decide you want to be with her in some way still, you'll give in and go with it. And that's your choice and you have every right to do what you want. But you're here asking for help, and I'm sure everyone else will encourage you NOT to agree to her offer.
Karala Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Wow, had no idea that women also could be the one to "offer" friends with benefits. The advice I'd give you is the same I'd give to any female friend of mine in the same situation. SERIOUSLY?? Why would you ever even considering such an option? And then I'd include lots of bewildered smileys.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Lol @ Karala. Yep it happens. Anyways though I think the general concensus is declining the offer there. Honestly... I think she's confused and doesn't know what she wants but doesn't want to lose the parts she likes most about you. Think about it though, how many other exes is she doing this with. You might be Monday, and Wednesday, some other guy can be every other Tuesday and Saturday... and then she comes along a meets a man whom she is "in love" with and drops both of you. Could you live with that? My advice is to definitely fade out some more. Don't be rude, but tell her that isn't the way you want to proceed in your life at this time and go from there. I'd try to limit contact as well.
Author generallyperplexed Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Yup, thank you all for your thoughts. I must be honest though, right now I'm feeling more baffled than hurt - what she's saying and what she's doing just don't make sense to me. This sex proposal has wrong-footed me more than anything: she's very much a girly girl and it's not something I would have expected from her. Whatever though, brain has been telling me that what you're saying is right and a bit of distance needs to be established. Hey ho, time to brace myself!
vsmini Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It could mean a number of things..but none of them good. A. She wants to keep tabs on you so being "friends" and having you hooked on her sex is a good way to keep a foot in your life. B. She wants you around in case she can't find someone better C. If you're not having sex with her then you might find it somewhere else which would reduce her chances of using you as her fallback guy if you find someone. She thought you weren't good enough or "suited" for her. No contact her ass and move on. Women like this are just ignorant bimbos. I'm sorry but this girl needs to get out of your life.
radiodarcy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) sounds like she wants a friends with benefits situation to which i would say "absolutely not". i made the mistake of taking my ex up on the option and all it did was make me miserable because i was still in love with him. he eventually broke off the benefits saying i needed to find someone who would give me the relationship he couldn't give me. whenever i asked him for a relationship he told me he wasn't ready for one. but a month later he told me he was ready for a relationship - -only - - not with me. he reactivated his profiles on match, ok cupid, plentyoffish and god know what other sites in an effort to find someone else to have that relationship with. needless to say that hurt. a lot. i came to my senses and went NC soon after. but as angry and hurt as i was (and still am from time to time) i bear the blame as well. i sacrificed my dignity in order to take whatever scraps he threw my way hoping he would see how much i loved him and was willing to be there for him no matter what. instead all i did was give him the power to use me and string me along until he decided he wanted someone else. it was a huge mistake and even though i am feeling much better after 3 months of NC and have started to lose some of the hurt/anger and regain my dignity, it was a very VERY painful lesson to learn... Edited June 6, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author generallyperplexed Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Okay, well, I decided to roll with the advice on here, had a quick chat on Skype and let her know that I'd decided to cut contact, at least for the time being. Removed from Facebook. She didn't seem that phased really other than 'slightly shocked' and 'sure you'll feel better soon'. End of an era.
Kilty Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Phew - as someone else said i never knew the friends with benefits offer would come from a girl. Personally i find that a little sad coming from a girl particularly as you said it's out of character. Normally it's something that would be expected from a ratbag guy, who is wanting sex with no committment that he doesnt have to pay for ! It's also more in line coming from a girl thats been dumped and trying to hold onto the relationship but again that is not the case It really could be that this girl doesnt know what she wants - mid 20s is still young. Tin hat on - but personally i would have went for it and hoped things changed with her Sure its running a risk of further heartbreak down the line but it's something you could have prepared yourself for as time went on And no picking on me girls - this was her offer - and i guess i must be pretty shallow and have not much self respect left
Author generallyperplexed Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Hi Kilty, What you're saying was my first instinct, but I decided that entering into that sort of thing while I'm still very emotional about it is a bad thing. In one respect I could see that she might feel that it was me that broke up. It was Sunday that she said that she wasn't sure that she was that committed to me and whether she'd just overexcited at the start because I was her first real boyfriend, next day I passed her in the car and said maybe we should go for lunch and have a proper chat, then she actually popped over in the evening and asked me what I was thinking to which I said if you really feel like that then perhaps we should break, at least for the time being. I had also hurt her quite badly a few months earlier (basically flirting with a girl I've never met on the other side of the world, but she still felt very betrayed and hurt over it: silly thing to do on my part and I deeply regret it). Anyway, I think a bit of time may a)Give her a chance to work out how she feels b)Give me a chance to build up a buffer if she really has abandoned it. It's two days now since I said I didn't want to be in touch for a while, felt absolutely anguished after I'd done it and didn't sleep, yesterday I just felt miserable and despondent, today I've felt a bit low with the odd bout of introspection so I'm definitely on the up.
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