knathema Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 hey loveshackers, it has been a while since i posted, but i have been checking the forum every day. It has been almost 2 months since the break up and roughly a few weeks of LC and i have decided to go completely NC on her about 2 weeks ago. I am doing so much better, i have been focusing so much on myself, keeping myself busy with friends, school and going to the gym every single day. I have been talking to new people, trying to reach out and not be shy. So I was the dumpee and my ex sent me about 3 texts in the past week and i have ignored all of them. On the May 31st, she sent me a text asking about my mom, if she was doing okay. Then the next day she said that she knows i am going through stuff right now and that she been keeping me and my fam in her prayers and she hoped that everything is okay and she told me she will always be here if i wanted to talk. And she sent another message tonight saying that she has been trying to get a hold of me and asking if everything is okay, she then complained about how i can't really let her back into my life and then completely shut her out again. (I was in contact with her even after the break up, we went to a wedding together then i just went completely NC on her after that). WTF does she want? she was the one who dumped me and she got a new bf now, why does she wants to know why i am not talking to her? She even asked told one of MY friend that i wasn't talking to her. And my friend asked me why i wasn't talking to her, wtf? Should i maintain NC? or reply with something?
Exit Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) The decision is ultimately yours. The majority of replies you will get from the forums here will be to maintain NC. NC is a tool to heal for those who need it and nothing more, not a law or a commandment. In a case like yours, people would say maintain NC because they want to make sure that you don't get your feelings involved again and start to think that she still wants you. People going through heartbreak do not always think clearly. You may ignore the fact that you got dumped, ignore the fact that she has a BF, and try to read into the fact that she is texting you and still cares about you -- and turn it into something that it's not. And then when your expectations are let down, you have to start your healing process all over again. That is why people are pretty adamant about sticking to NC, just to make sure people keep healing. So it comes down to you. Are you thinking rationally? Do you realize that nothing in her messages has really implied that she misses the relationship she had with you? Heck, some dumpees DO get texts from the ex that go so far as to say "I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you", and it STILL pretty much means nothing. Your ex isn't even saying any of that. Can you heal while still being in touch with her? And don't answer that with your first instinct, really think about it. Because part of you may just miss her and love her and will convince you that your answer is "Yes, I can heal and still talk to her" when you really can't. NC is about not initiating contact and not being jerked around on a string by our exes. It doesn't mean you absolutely have to ignore someone who is trying to get in touch with you. Only do that if you feel it absolutely necessary. You can either choose to tell her "my family and I are doing well, but seeing as you and I are no longer together try not to worry about us" or whatever message you see fit, or you can maintain NC if you feel any talking to her will just set you back. She made the choice to have a future without each other, not you, so don't let her guilt you about shutting her out of your life. Yes you let her back into your life for a while after the breakup, probably out of hopes that everything would work out. Then you accepted the reality that things weren't headed in that direction, and decided that there was no point. I myself could never really ignore someone who was trying to get in touch with me, I personally see it kind of childish and rude. If you aren't going to talk to the person, at least block them so you won't have to live with seeing their messages pop up. I still talk to my ex but it doesn't drive me too crazy or anything so I don't feel that I need complete silence to heal. Make sure you think about not only how you will feel to send her a reply, but ask yourself how you will feel if she chooses to turn the tables on you and doesn't respond, or responds with something not so pleasant, or changes topics into talking about her new boyfriend or something else. Try to look into the future and ask yourself if you are comfortable with all the possible outcomes. Don't just make your choice based on the first immediate decision that you need to make - whether to talk to her or not. That's the easy part. Sure you can fire off a quick text and answer her question and then go back to what you're doing. The part that could be potentially damaging towards you and your healing is what she chooses to do with the opportunity now that the ball is in her court. Will she do something mean or will she just thank you for letting her know that everyone is okay. Here is something important you must take into account as well. Dumpers feel guilty. She probably wants to relieve some of her guilt by making sure that everyone is ok. Do you feel like she deserves to have some of her guilt taken off of her shoulders? Because you'll be doing her a pretty big favor by reassuring her that everything is fine even though she broke your heart. She may think "ok good, now I don't feel so bad about getting serious with my new boyfriend". So realize there is that risk involved. Maybe you shouldn't do her that favor, let her deal with whatever guilt she is feeling and let her wonder if everyone is okay or if everyone is miserable because she affected you and your family's life in a negative way. Do you want her to feel better or would you like her to deal with the consequences of what she did? Just put some thought into your decision and then pull the trigger, whichever decision it is, going crazy over which choice to make isn't any better. Edited June 6, 2011 by Exit
TearyEyedPride Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I don't see what's wrong with replying. She is reaching out... If it were me, I'd let her know she can stop panicking because you're ok. You're just healing from the breakup. Let her know you appreciate the thought, but at the same time "she dumped you" and you just have to find a way to move on at this point. Let her know you appreciate the consideration, but you have to continue to go forth with your life. Let her know that time heals all wounds. Then go back into No contact.
Kodo Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Treat her like a polite stranger. Thank her for the kind words and leave it at that. Don't mention anything else. Just show the positive side you'd show a stranger.
stray Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I agree, respond politely. Don't ask her how she's doing, don't get into a text convo - just say you're fine. If it was me, I'd also say "I'd appreciate if you don't contact me for a while". Because even though you're going NC, she clearly didn't get that memo. And the only reason you wouldn't want to tell her to go NC as well is if you still think she might "come back". You gotta be willing to let her go FOR GOOD, or else this crap will drag on. Tell her you appreciate her concern, and to stop contacting you.
GivenUp0083 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 The decision is ultimately yours. The majority of replies you will get from the forums here will be to maintain NC. NC is a tool to heal for those who need it and nothing more, not a law or a commandment. In a case like yours, people would say maintain NC because they want to make sure that you don't get your feelings involved again and start to think that she still wants you. People going through heartbreak do not always think clearly. You may ignore the fact that you got dumped, ignore the fact that she has a BF, and try to read into the fact that she is texting you and still cares about you -- and turn it into something that it's not. And then when your expectations are let down, you have to start your healing process all over again. That is why people are pretty adamant about sticking to NC, just to make sure people keep healing. So it comes down to you. Are you thinking rationally? Do you realize that nothing in her messages has really implied that she misses the relationship she had with you? Heck, some dumpees DO get texts from the ex that go so far as to say "I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you", and it STILL pretty much means nothing. Your ex isn't even saying any of that. Can you heal while still being in touch with her? And don't answer that with your first instinct, really think about it. Because part of you may just miss her and love her and will convince you that your answer is "Yes, I can heal and still talk to her" when you really can't. NC is about not initiating contact and not being jerked around on a string by our exes. It doesn't mean you absolutely have to ignore someone who is trying to get in touch with you. Only do that if you feel it absolutely necessary. You can either choose to tell her "my family and I are doing well, but seeing as you and I are no longer together try not to worry about us" or whatever message you see fit, or you can maintain NC if you feel any talking to her will just set you back. She made the choice to have a future without each other, not you, so don't let her guilt you about shutting her out of your life. Yes you let her back into your life for a while after the breakup, probably out of hopes that everything would work out. Then you accepted the reality that things weren't headed in that direction, and decided that there was no point. I myself could never really ignore someone who was trying to get in touch with me, I personally see it kind of childish and rude. If you aren't going to talk to the person, at least block them so you won't have to live with seeing their messages pop up. I still talk to my ex but it doesn't drive me too crazy or anything so I don't feel that I need complete silence to heal. Make sure you think about not only how you will feel to send her a reply, but ask yourself how you will feel if she chooses to turn the tables on you and doesn't respond, or responds with something not so pleasant, or changes topics into talking about her new boyfriend or something else. Try to look into the future and ask yourself if you are comfortable with all the possible outcomes. Don't just make your choice based on the first immediate decision that you need to make - whether to talk to her or not. That's the easy part. Sure you can fire off a quick text and answer her question and then go back to what you're doing. The part that could be potentially damaging towards you and your healing is what she chooses to do with the opportunity now that the ball is in her court. Will she do something mean or will she just thank you for letting her know that everyone is okay. Here is something important you must take into account as well. Dumpers feel guilty. She probably wants to relieve some of her guilt by making sure that everyone is ok. Do you feel like she deserves to have some of her guilt taken off of her shoulders? Because you'll be doing her a pretty big favor by reassuring her that everything is fine even though she broke your heart. She may think "ok good, now I don't feel so bad about getting serious with my new boyfriend". So realize there is that risk involved. Maybe you shouldn't do her that favor, let her deal with whatever guilt she is feeling and let her wonder if everyone is okay or if everyone is miserable because she affected you and your family's life in a negative way. Do you want her to feel better or would you like her to deal with the consequences of what she did? Just put some thought into your decision and then pull the trigger, whichever decision it is, going crazy over which choice to make isn't any better. I'm the EXACT similar situation, however my ex doesn't have a new bf yet (that I know of, and I don't plan to ever know). Exit: Best advice I've ever seen. If I ever have another freakout, which I probably won't, I'll be PMing you. Thank you for this.
Author knathema Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Thanks everyone for your inputs. I replied politely with a simple text. And Exit, thank you for your time for typing that out. That's some really good advice for anyone out there.
Author knathema Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 She sent another text today saying this "I know it's been shaky. But i really though we could be friends.. idk I miss having you in my life, and i really hope you can be okay with me being your friend" I didn't reply, i could say something mean but i think it's better if i just stay NC. i won't regret it at the end.
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