ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Yeah so the girl I've been talking to on the phone, calls me up tonight. The gist of it all was the following: 1) She doesn't want to talk every night. Feels that since we haven't met she doesn't want it to become something that may change once we meet. Explained that she's talked to other guys on the phone, things went well, and when she met them in person it just wasn't there. 2) Still wants to meet up with me when I come back in July. Says she enjoys talking to me and likes me, but since she's a talker and I'm more of a listener - feels I know her better than she knows me. Says if things go well when we meet then of course we'd be talking more 3) If someone from match messages her, she wants to be able to go on a date with them So - I get what she's saying and it all sounds very sincere. Still doesn't really change the fact that I was getting a little teary eyed during the conversation (it didn't sound as if I was - I guarantee that much). I know she didn't mean it personally, but that's kind of like when someone says "it's just business" when they fire the guy who's been working there for 22 years and has been the top employee since he started. I thought things were going well. The reason why I thought talking every night (30 mins, hour tops?) would be nice was it gives you a chance to build a real foundation. You get to know someone, they get to know you, etc. That's why I have offered to fly back into town. I would like to know if "we" would work as well. But, she insists that we wait until July. Likely because she doesn't want me to waste money on a flight to find out there's nothing there. She's the "independent-i have a good job-i have good friends i like to hang with-don't need to see the guy i'm dating every week" kind of girl. And really - that's cool, but not all of it. For one it is personal, and if you like someone you should just roll with it and see wtf happens. Who cares if you haven't met? If two people have a vibe and can talk on the phone and conversate well, how does that not carry over in person? All of this has left me feeling quite self-conscious about myself and honestly I'm not sure I could meet her with how I feel right now. I feel like I'm on this huge job interview and I'm being judged and critiqued the entire way. I feel like I would be thinking the entire time instead of enjoying her company. "Am I sending the right vibe for her? Am I saying the right things to her friends when I meet them? How am I coming off?" So typically when I feel like this I sort of hibernate back into my metaphorical shell. Like I exposed too much of myself and now I need to tend to myself. She told me I can call her sometime this week or she'll call me - and honestly, she can call me. I made an effort to want to get to know her and put myself on the line somewhat tonight. I'm not the type of guy who can be interested in more than one girl at a time. Maybe that's putting all my eggs in one basket or too old fashioned of me - but it's just who I am, I know that much. I actually have a slight urge to cry - and that probably sounds pathetic. I ended up staying on the phone with her after she tells me all this because I didn't want to just end the convo and run off, with her knowing I was upset. So I pretended to be cool and talked about whatever we talked about - but I honestly heard maybe a third of the things she was saying. My mind was racing. Whatever, I'm going to bed.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 How far away is she? Also, let's say you do click in person and want to date. What next? You move? She moves? She is keeping her options open and even though she likes you, doesn't want to close the door to other opportunities.. You're a sweet guy and it's okay not to play the field when you connect with someone..In your situation though, the distance and waiting a month before meeting her, you need to detach slightly so you won't get hurt IF things don't work out between you two.
Author ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Saw this post before I shut down my computer. I'm 7 hours away for the next 4-5 weeks. I live where she lives, just had a rotation I had to go on. she said the same thing about "if we don't connect" - which makes sense, sure - but the whole thing really hurt my feelings nonetheless. It was basically like "i like you and like talking to you, but before I can go any further I need to meet you. Soooo, we can talk like once a week to keep the connection there - but yeah - gotta meet you" And that really puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on everything now. She's going to be 2 hours away from me visiting her family next weekend. Why not suggest we meet half way and talk? I think 3 hours away from her family (1 to drive, 1 to meet, 1 to drive back) to see if there's something there is worth it - right? It's something I was going to suggest - but again, I'm just really hurt right now and may end up detaching a LOT - which sucks, because I like her - but when I get a feeling like this, I lose a lot of trust in that person Edited June 6, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It was basically like "i like you and like talking to you, but before I can go any further I need to meet you. Soooo, we can talk like once a week to keep the connection there - but yeah - gotta meet you" And that really puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on everything now. I totally disagree. If anything, talking every night on the phone to someone you've never met puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the meeting and everything thereafter. What she's proferring makes the most sense IMO.
Author ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Saying "i like you....but I really can't consider anything more until we meet" puts a lot of pressure on the meeting up part. Where as, if we had continued talking like we were, I see that as taking pressure off the meeting, as we'd naturally be more comfortable with each other. It's really just differing views of the same thing. She feels that by not talking, there's less pressure - and the meeting on her part will be easier For me, by not talking, there's more pressure - within 30 minutes of talking what's there or isn't there will be pretty set - therefore putting more pressure on me and making the meeting more difficult on my part
OliveOyl Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Saying "i like you....but I really can't consider anything more until we meet" puts a lot of pressure on the meeting up part. Where as, if we had continued talking like we were, I see that as taking pressure off the meeting, as we'd naturally be more comfortable with each other. It's really just differing views of the same thing. She feels that by not talking, there's less pressure - and the meeting on her part will be easier For me, by not talking, there's more pressure - within 30 minutes of talking what's there or isn't there will be pretty set - therefore putting more pressure on me and making the meeting more difficult on my part I don't think it's so much an issue of pressure. I think it's more about the level of investment. It doesn't make sense to invest a lot of time and energy into talking and building up a bubble of potential, only to have that bubble burst once you meet in person. You can't really know whether there's any chemistry/attraction/potential until you meet in person. Even talking on the phone is not enough. So much more goes on in face-to-face interaction than over the phone.
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 man you have to STOP getting so attached to people you haven't even met. everything she said is exactly correct. there is nothing to be gained from spending hours upon hours on the phone without meeting in person. the only thing that can come of it is the extremes of either false positives, or false negatives. you have to open up some of yourself to meet any women at all. that's part of the game, you have to approach them. she doesn't owe you anything for that.
heartshaped Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Are you sure you want to continue on with this woman? She doesn't seem like the type of woman you need at all. I wouldn't even be sure on meeting her. Let me break down all this womanese she's spouting at you. 1. It wasn't there means she wasn't attracted to that person or didn't feel any 'spark'. She's one of those spark women and that's dangerous. Why? Because most women rarely feel a spark especially on a first date. You likely won't hear from her after she meets you unless you are extremely attractive and you can make her swoon. 2. What she means is if things go well ie if you are attractive enough, she feels a spark, and you talk more because you being a 'listener' she feels she doesn't know much about you. 3. I bet she already has someone in mind or else she wouldn't have made that comment. In fact, that might be the reason behind the entire conversation to be honest. Right now, if I were you, at the very least, I'd withdraw. She's not that into you. If she was, she wouldn't have said all the things she said to you tonight. Besides that, I don't think the two of you are really compatible. The whole independent woman thing, I don't think that's your type. I think you need someone a bit more sensitive and someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. Not this chick at all from the sounds of it. But for right now, I'd just back off, give her some space, and wait until the two of you meet. I think it's best you try to relax about things too and not put too much more into this.
Author ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) First off - I'm not attached to her. Have you never talked to someone, met someone etc and felt a certain connection to that person? That's all. She could say "hey, don't want to talk anymore" and I'm cool with that. Would I be upset, sure, for a day or two. I definitely will not be changing who I am to fit any sort of "game." If someone has to play a "game" than that someone is not for me. I don't need to try and fit into some mold for anyone ---- @heartshaped - I agree with you. ------ All of this just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She contacted ME. I didn't wink, etc. She randomly emailed me and showed interest in me. I am withdrawing a great deal now. And I may be a listener by nature, but I do have things to say. 90% of the time whenever we've talked, she'll cut me off as I try to say something to tell me something. I honestly feel like emailing her and just saying I don't think this is going to work, but I also don't feel like putting in any effort to even do that. -------- Lastly - I don't really feel comfortable talking to her on the phone right now after that talk last night. I'm probably going to message her, maybe, in 3-4 days and just say if she wants to talk I'd prefer text, fb chat or fb messaging. I honestly don't see a point in me investing any sort of time more than what I'm comfortable giving now. Edited June 6, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I honestly don't see a point in me investing any sort of time more than what I'm comfortable giving now. Neither does she, that's all she was saying. Do you understand it yet? Neither one of you should be investing anything until you meet. And yes, you are attached. You got teary eyed over her...
carhill Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 She contacted ME. I didn't wink, etc. She randomly emailed me and showed interest in me. I may be a listener by nature, but I do have things to say. 90% of the time whenever we've talked, she'll cut me off as I try to say something to tell me something. Hoover. Move on. Her interest in you has concluded. What she 'wanted' in the beginning is not what you're pursuing (consistent communication and personal meeting) now. You had something she wanted and the last quotation underscores it. This is how to train a tampon. Experienced it many, many times. As was mentioned in another thread, women like nice men with backbone. I believe it was a woman who stated that. I thought it to be very good advice. Good luck.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Carhill said it right, sounds like a woman who wants to be in control of her man. Not a good look, you should dodge this bullet with a smile on your face.
ilovedhim Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Why are you guys telling him to give up on her? Although I do agree you need to back off until you can meet in person, when you get back. Don't make any special trips just to meet her. She probably is seeing other people if she is on a dating site but so what? They're not exclusive. You should be talking to other women and put this one on the backburner for when you get back.
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