starryocean Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 My husband drove a female coworker to work one morning. She normally works in a different building then him, but was going to be at his site so asked him for a ride. I found it odd she wanted a ride, since she lives nearby and has a car. So, she drove her kids to school and then went home to wait for my husband to pick her up. Strange right? I looked past it and didn't say anything. A few days later, I asked my husband what her house looked like. (meaning the outside). He described it from the inside. I asked him why he was in her house and he told me she told him to come in. He said she just grabbed her coat and they left. But, he really described her house. If he just stood by the door, how would he know the layout of the house? He also went out to lunch alone that day at a restaurant with her. He doesn't usually eat at restaurants when he works, he typically grabs something quick or brings lunch. My husband ended up telling me that she's a friend and he talks to her a lot. (after I grilled him) He said he was afraid I would be mad if he told me, which is weird because I'm not the jealous type. So, I guess my questions is, would u think something was going on?? He never gave me reason to not trust him until this. I just had a baby 4 months ago and haven't been "in the mood". So, maybe he is cheating?? I just don't know.
Bryanp Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 How do you think your husband would react if the roles were reversed?
mezmrz Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 He also went out to lunch alone that day at a restaurant with her. Did you follow him?
Author starryocean Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 --I think my husband probably would have thought it was strange too if the roles were reversed. He admitted he felt weird going into her house knowing she's married and she was alone. --I didn't follow him.
YellowShark Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Driving "her" to work. Picking "her" up at her house. Going to lunch with "her." Hmmmm... Could be all innocent, but I would keep your eyes wide open on this one starryocean. Not saying you can't trust, but verify.
2sure Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Because you say that you have never previously had reason to question his behavior ...there has not been a trust issue. I would not be wondering so much about the fact the fact that he picked her up or went to lunch..or even that they were friends...but why did he tell you : Yes, we are good friends, we have been talking a lot...Why was he afraid to tell you?? In my experience, people who are being honest and trustworthy...seldom hide things
Heart On Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It may be innocent now,but that's typically how EMR's begin. I think you have the right to ask him to please keep thier contact to a minimum as you love him and don't want to watch him lose himself in another woman.
Spark1111 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Driving "her" to work. Picking "her" up at her house. Going to lunch with "her." Hmmmm... Could be all innocent, but I would keep your eyes wide open on this one starryocean. Not saying you can't trust, but verify. I agree. If this isn't his normal routine friendly co-worker behavior, then keep your ears and eyes open.....wide open. If nothing else, it seems like he may be enjoying the female attention from someone new and a boundary can be very easily crossed from co-worker, to friend, to more than friends emotionally, to well, more. The question remains why? Why is he seeking this attention from someone other than his wife? Very few men I know would be comfortable if the roles were reversed and their wife was lunching alone with another man or picking him up ALONE for work in the morning, or talking a lot. The biggest red flag is if he stops mentioning her name or their conversations or their lunches at all...... It DOES not mean the relationship has become more formal. It is a huge red flag that it has gone underground. Call him throughout the day. Offer or better yet, surprise him at the workplace for lunch. Bring the babe with you. Introduce yourself and your child to the work place staff. Take care here.....be smart.
thomasb Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I would say there have definitely been a few boundaries crossed. Never should a married man or woman put themselves open to doubt by your spouse. This sort of 'friend' is who an affair would happen with. Spark is right. Insert yourself between the two as soon as possible.
Spark1111 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I would say there have definitely been a few boundaries crossed. Never should a married man or woman put themselves open to doubt by your spouse. This sort of 'friend' is who an affair would happen with. Spark is right. Insert yourself between the two as soon as possible. Yes, even better....ask to meet her! Tell your H that she must be really nice if he so enjoys conversing with her and you cannot wait to meet she and her husband. Maybe dinner sometime together? The four of you? Married people should NOT have close friends of the opposite sex who are not a friend to both H and wife. Think about it! If I make a new friend, I cannot wait for my H to meet him and hope he thinks as highly of him as I do. The person then becomes a friend to the marriage.
Spark1111 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Because you say that you have never previously had reason to question his behavior ...there has not been a trust issue. I would not be wondering so much about the fact the fact that he picked her up or went to lunch..or even that they were friends...but why did he tell you : Yes, we are good friends, we have been talking a lot...Why was he afraid to tell you?? In my experience, people who are being honest and trustworthy...seldom hide things And that is the bottom line. It's almost as if he admitted that he thinks the time spent with her is growing excessive. Why? Because he as afraid to admit it to you. Stay calm. Don't accuse. But get smart. Start calling him, his office, get to lunch. Go...now.
TigerCub Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I agree. If this isn't his normal routine friendly co-worker behavior, then keep your ears and eyes open.....wide open. If nothing else, it seems like he may be enjoying the female attention from someone new and a boundary can be very easily crossed from co-worker, to friend, to more than friends emotionally, to well, more. The question remains why? Why is he seeking this attention from someone other than his wife? Very few men I know would be comfortable if the roles were reversed and their wife was lunching alone with another man or picking him up ALONE for work in the morning, or talking a lot. The biggest red flag is if he stops mentioning her name or their conversations or their lunches at all...... It DOES not mean the relationship has become more formal. It is a huge red flag that it has gone underground. Call him throughout the day. Offer or better yet, surprise him at the workplace for lunch. Bring the babe with you. Introduce yourself and your child to the work place staff. Take care here.....be smart. I agree with pretty much everything spark said, except for what's in bold. If you do that, I would imagine that he might view you as a nag that's smothering him, and if he even had an inkling to cheat on you, that would be helping his reasoning because he will see you as very dependent, needy, and annoying, and in turn that would make the other lady look so much more appealing because she's not like that. Granted, I've never been married and maybe married couples have some rule about constant calls during the day - but honestly I can see how that would be viewed as really clingy and annoying = not so attractive. the part that's underlined, I think that's a good idea, if done once in a while. that's just my $0.02. I really hope that nothing is going on with your H and that you, you H and your baby have a lovely life together
thomasb Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 And that is the bottom line. It's almost as if he admitted that he thinks the time spent with her is growing excessive. Why? Because he as afraid to admit it to you. Stay calm. Don't accuse. But get smart. Start calling him, his office, get to lunch. Go...now. My wife and I text little sweet words throughout the day. Like... "I can't wait until we are alone tonight!" such as that. It is great. She puts notes in my lunch. I take lunch to her and a close co-worker occasionally. Be creative. Put yourself in his thoughts... not her.
Snowflower Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 And that is the bottom line. It's almost as if he admitted that he thinks the time spent with her is growing excessive. Why? Because he as afraid to admit it to you. Stay calm. Don't accuse. But get smart. Start calling him, his office, get to lunch. Go...now. Hi starry, welcome to LS... I agree with spark's assessment...based on the information you presented here. Your H may not be cheating--yet--but something tells me that he knows that the situation he is involved in is about to get dangerous. He might be stepping back and looking to you-who is his closest companion, for guidance. Use this opportunity very carefully; it could make all the difference in the future of your marriage. Talk to your H about what is going on and don't accuse him, don't get upset no matter what he is saying. Listen to him. If he feels safe talking to you about whatever is going on-then you might be able to openly discuss his feelings and the situation. What he says might be very hard for you to hear, because face it, no one wants to hear that their spouse is attracted to someone else. I have read that in the very strongest and most open of marriages, both spouses realize that there might be a time when each spouse is attracted to someone else outside the relationship. Just because you're (general you) married doesn't mean you're dead, you don't have eyes, and can't feel attracted to someone else. It's only in fairytales where both spouses only have eyes for each other their entire married lives. If spouses are able to talk to each other about these attractions/fantasies/wandering thoughts, it helps the bond between the spouses and weakens the attraction for the outside person. Unfortunately, relatively few spouses have that degree of trust, maturity and self-awareness to do this. starry, what do you think?
Author starryocean Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 That's another thing!! He NEVER brings up her name anymore, and he used to occasionally. I guess that isn't a good sign.
Woman In Blue Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 That's another thing!! He NEVER brings up her name anymore, and he used to occasionally. I guess that isn't a good sign. Definitely not a good sign. I'm not sure if you've read all the replies you've received in this thread as you haven't commented on even one of them, but I'm with the rest of the group. Something stinks in Denmark. Playing Devil's advocate, there's no romance at your house anymore. All he's got to come home to is a baby crying and spitting up, and no sex or intimacy. You said you haven't been in the mood for sex in 4 months, and God knows how long before THAT when you were pregnant. Of course he's out looking for excitement, sex and romance. Hey - I'm not justifiying his behavior, but come on - what do you THINK he's going to do after months and months and months of having absolutely nothing with you?
OldOnTheInside Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 That's another thing!! He NEVER brings up her name anymore, and he used to occasionally. I guess that isn't a good sign. "Isn't a good sign." ^ Understatement of the year. I know from personal experience... IMO I don't think you actually need to go with the sneaky route yet, with PIs, keyloggers or anything like that. Go with the direct route first. Just clear out an hour or two of free time. Sit him down. Make your boundaries 100% clear to him. Tell him that the path that you think that he is heading is unlikely to end happily (because, odds are, it won't). Tell him what the consequences will be if he does go down the path you suspect he is going. If he has something to say about this woman, then he has to say it to you. Tell him that the two of need to work on your marriage. My point is, I have seen situations where one partner runs around like a complete teenager while the other partner, completely stressed out by all of this, stands on the sidelines and watches while the situation escalates. Cut through the sh*t and give your husband a slap in the face OP. Just my opinion.
Author starryocean Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks everyone for the advice. I really don't know what to think anymore. Tonight, he is "working late", which rarely ever happens. He is calling me from his office phone. I don't know if that even matters or not.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks everyone for the advice. I really don't know what to think anymore. Tonight, he is "working late", which rarely ever happens. He is calling me from his office phone. I don't know if that even matters or not. Talk to him tomorrow. That's my recommendation at least.
Spark1111 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks everyone for the advice. I really don't know what to think anymore. Tonight, he is "working late", which rarely ever happens. He is calling me from his office phone. I don't know if that even matters or not. What is your plan here? what do you intend to do?
Author starryocean Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I feel like I have talked to him about this so much and he just doesn't budge. He insists nothing happened and he just "used" to talk to her about things. He never mentions her at all unless I bring it up. Any ideas?? SHould I have him take a lie detector test?
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) I feel like I have talked to him about this so much and he just doesn't budge. He insists nothing happened and he just "used" to talk to her about things. He never mentions her at all unless I bring it up. Any ideas?? SHould I have him take a lie detector test? Oh. Then I retract this statement... IMO I don't think you actually need to go with the sneaky route yet, with PIs, keyloggers or anything like that. Go with the direct route first.If you still don't feel reassured and he is still acting suspicious in your eyes, do what you feel you have to. Just ask yourself: What do you think you have to do to be 100% reassured with your situation? Maybe the sneaky route, maybe not... Edited June 7, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Theres no telling what is or isnt happening...he may be cheating or he may not. But dont try to play Sherlock Holmes because he will see you coming. He already knows you sense/think something may be up. If hes not cheating you'll likely annoy and push him away...and if he is it will be a game of cat and mouse....you'll just drive yourself crazy. If you try to "insert" yourself....again you may annoy and push him away (if you come one too strong)...and it really isnt going to stop him from cheating if that is indeed the plan; it may stop him from cheating with her but it likely wont stop him from cheating with someone else if his heart is set on doing that. All you can do is let him know how you feel...what is acceptable and not for you, offer him a chance to say what ever is on his mind. If he has something to say then address it...if he has nothing to say then your marriage is in fate's hands. If hes going to cheat hes going to cheat...nothing you can really do to stop him. He will eventually slip up and you can deal with it then Edited June 7, 2011 by StoneCold
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