OliveOyl Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I finally got a chance to visit my new BF's home. We've been dating a little over 2 months and he lives about 45 minutes away. He has been telling me he's been working on getting the house presentable enough to have me over. He had things picked up in the main rooms and somewhat decluttered; it was reasonably presentable. I could tell he'd definitely made an effort (I had a feeling of what to expect by seeing the interior of his car). But in general his level of cleanliness and organization is well below what I'm comfortable with. The operative word is "grimy." It wasn't nearly as bad as described in this thread but I have a feeling it could have been close to that, before he put in an effort to clean things up for my visit. His ex was a serious hoarder and he admitted to having a mild tendency to hoarding but not nearly as bad as she was. I am NOT a hoarder in fact I am pretty much the opposite... I hate having tons of stuff around. Things seem to be getting more serious with us, and I'm just trying to figure out whether this is a red flag or not. There are a few other possible red flags too but there's also a lot that's so good and refreshing about this relationship. He has some wonderful qualities that are just what I need, but I am just trying to keep my eyes open. I've really only had one other serious relationship that had long-term potential, and that was my now-defunct marriage. I should add, right now we only get to see each other once a week face-to-face because of our schedules/kid custody, but we interact with each other every day (online).
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 people can change and grow out of that. i used to be a bit of a hoarder, since then gave it up and am more clean than most people i know. i guess a lot of it was buying a house i had to put a lot of work into and wanting to be able to show off the results to people. i don't think it's in any way wrong to call him on it, but people can get over such things, imo.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 FWIW... I'm a messier person than most. My apartment isn't dirty/grimy, but rather, on most days, it does kinda look like a bomb went off - clothes and mail and work papers and whatnot all over the place. It's not really clutter, but it is somewhat of an organized mess...lots of piles of things that need to be dealt with. When in a relationship, that all changes. I typically date super clean/organized/neat guys, and being with them (however long it lasts) naturally makes me be neater/tidier. So, my advice? For now, focus on vetting out the other red flags you've seen, whatever those are, rather than this one.
MrBrett Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I would say give it time. You're in a new relationship and things will be more fleshed out in the coming months. I try not to pre-judge.
DontWorryBHappy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I can be crazy messy. But like your guy, I totally clean it up if a guy is coming over that I like (whether it's a boyfriend, or another guy I'm seeing if I'm single). The fact that he made the effort shows that he cares, so that's a good sign. As messy as I can be, like Star Gazer, I tend to make large sweeping efforts to change that (or at least not have it negatively affect the other person) when there's a guy in the picture. To me the real red flag would be if he had made no effort to clean up before you came by.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 To me the real red flag would be if he had made no effort to clean up before you came by. Exactly right, like this guy: It wasn't nearly as bad as described in this thread but I have a feeling it could have been close to that, before he put in an effort to clean things up for my visit.
johan Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 People can change this kind of thing if they want to. But a relationship with someone cleaner has never been, at least I've never heard it be, an incentive to change these kinds of habits. I'd also be skeptical if someone were to tell me their place is often cluttered up but it's still clean. It seems unlikely that they will take the time to find a way to clean around and under the clutter. If stuff lying all over the place isn't a problem, then dust and a few stains here and there probably aren't either.
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