why did this happen

[inandouttalove]

I will try to make this short and sweet. its been 2 wks since i heard from my I guess now (ex) we met up again after 27 years. we each others first love we searched for each other and finally found each other after all this time. it was wonderful all the feelings came back we picked up where we left off we planned to marry he gave me a promise ring .we spent the last year and a half together we never went a day without talking we texted alll day long then at night spoke on the phone.everyday he told me he loved me and how happy he was that we found each other again and how i was the love of his life,then all of a sudden two wks ago i asked him if he was coming over and he said probably not and ill call you tomorrow. I texted him back (WHY) and since then no response. I even asked him through text if possibly there was someone else no reply, havent heard from him since i am so confused and hurt just would love an explanation how someone can promise you the world then take it away with no regard for your feelings.Whatever the reason I wouldve understood im not a kid I just wish he would have given me a reason instead of just ignoring and avoiding me. At this time I dont think I will hear from him I gather he probably has someone else but why would he do this to me when he claimed he loved me????I would like some advice I am so hurt by all this

[Downtown]

InAndOut, welcome to LoveShack. I am sorry to hear about your terrible loss. An emotionally healthy man would be incapable of treating you so cruelly and coldly. Hence, if he wasn't hit by a truck, it sounds like he has strong traits of a personality disorder or a mood disorder. Have you checked with mutual friends to make sure he wasn't hit by a truck?

 

Like you, I reunited with an old girlfriend -- my first love -- after we had not seen each other for 27 years. Was very romantic. We got married and lived together for 15 years but she eventually left me. It turns out she suffers from BPD, a personality disorder that destroys LTRs.

[inandouttalove]

thanks so much for your reply.He is a very moody person and sometimes I feel that he may be bipolar the way he acts. Sometimes he gives me what he calls a (time out) meaning no talking when I say something that annoys him or irritates him he is very quick to take offense he offends easily even when I am joking with him.

I was worried because I havent heard from him thinking something may have been wrong but then I know he is very moody and this may just be his way of trying to make me feel bad.

I even sent him a letter to his home it was a nice letter didnt say anything mean just a quick note to say I missed him and I hope he is ok and guess what (no reply) I dont know what else to do or say. I guess this is just over I'm just really confused by it all.

On one occasion he gave me a (time out) of no talking because he wanted to hang out and I said can we do it another day cause I was tired I have 2 jobs and I also take care of my elderly mom which is a job in itself and I was truly tired and just needed a day to myself to get much needed rest and he took offense and didnt talk to me.

I dont know im just hurt I will heal in time but it just makes me wonder i am heartbroken .

[Downtown]

InAndOut, the hyper sensititivity to comments, jokes, and criticism is far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. As to the moodiness, bipolar typically causes mood swings that take about 2 weeks to build and then they last for several weeks. If 4 occur in a year that is considered "rapid" cycling. In contrast, a BPD mood change typically takes about ten seconds to occur and lasts about 5 hours -- and four such changes can easily occur in a few days, on just one day.

 

If he has strong BPD traits, he likely is what is called a "quiet BPDer" or "waif BPDer" because you do not mention any temper tantrums or verbal abuse. Of course, he may not be a BPDer at all (you have provided very little detail about his dysfunctional behavior). If he has done a lot of blaming and acting like a victim, I would suggest you read about quiet BPDers and see if it rings a bell. An excellent article is available at http://www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html. If that does not sound familiar, I suggest you read about other disorders because something is very wrong with that man for him to have done what he did. As I said, an emotionally healthy man is simply not capable of doing that.

[ItsRainingAgain]

So sorry you are going through this...I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the exact same thing but my (ex) boyfriend and I will only be going on one year this month. Your (ex) boyfriend sounds exactly like mine, we went everyday seeing each other, he too told me how much he loved me and how I made him so happy ...to just ending it and not contacting me. We haven't seen each other now over a month, I too tried to reach out to him...when he did talk to me he was so angry...now I am going on three weeks of NO Contact...I suggest you do the same.

By any chance was he a moody person? Happy one minute then angry the next?

[inandouttalove]

Thanks for all your input, I truly appreciate it very much. He is moody at times sometimes we would talk and he would just be so cranky that we well I would just end the conversation early cause he would start to pick me apart a bit when he was in his mood so i opted to just talk to him when he cooled off, which later on in the day he would usually text me an apology.

he had a messed up childhood he doesnt have a good relationship with his parents he and his sister havent spoken to each other in 2 years.

He gets agitated easily.he does drink everyday(vodka) usually he says he misses it if he doesnt drink h says he looks forward to his drink at home by himself at the end of the day.

At times he would just be downright mean to me verbally never physically but I would just chalk it up to him being moody. We would joke as I would often ask him b4 we spoke if he was in a cyclone or tornado type mood cause when he was moody I didnt wanna talk to him.

When we did meet up after all these 27 long years he and my older guy cousin were aquaintances ( I never knew they hung out as my cousin never told me)(my now ex) tried looking for me his whole life or so he says and he said he tried numerous times asking my cousin to tell me to pass along his number or asked my cousin where I lived so he could get in touch with me yet my cousin never told me anything ever, so I always wonder why my cousin never told me that this guy(my now ex) tried looking for me, that is puzzling in itself.Every day its getting easier the NC thing its been only 4 days since I started NC but its just something that I cant understand guys are confusing sometimes.

[ItsRainingAgain]

Sounds more and more like my (ex) boyfriend. Mine also drinks everyday. He always blamed the beer for his mood swings. Does yours? I am starting to think for mine it is more than the drinking. Because how can someone go from "I love you" to nothing...just shut you right out of their life just like that. Mine is so stubborn I know he won't contact me...the No Contact for me is getting harder (three weeks) glad its getting easier for you.

[inandouttalove]

So sorry to hear that this is also happening to you. Its a horrible feeling how someone can just cut you out of their life with no regard for your feelings.It amazes me how cruel people can be. I am hurt very hurt but day by day I tell myself to be strong. I have no other choice than to get over it The NC is hard for me cause I truly cared for him but its also hard to call someone who never picks up and doesnt care to talk to you.The silence speaks a thousand words and wounds you even more.

 

How can a person claim they love you then put you through this. Maybe he truly never loved me at all. I dont know what else to think.But thanks for the replies it helps me alot.

Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that he wasnt the right one for me I deserve better we all do anyone who treats us like this should not be worth our tears and time although its horrible and a break up hurts we deserve much better than to pine away for someone who is most likely getting on with their life and doesnt even care to explain themselves.

[Downtown]

How can a person claim they love you then put you through this. Maybe he truly never loved me at all.

This is the puzzle I've been trying to help you with. Emotionally healthy men are incapable of doing that. The most likely possibility is BPD, as I discussed above. The reason is that BPDers do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, based solely on an idle comment or minor infraction, they can reclassify you from one polar extreme to the other in ten seconds. They do this -- not because they don't love you and not because they are bad people -- rather, it is because they are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities and mixed feelings.

 

On top of that, BPDers have enormous anger inside -- just below the surface -- that they've been carrying since early childhood. Like your Ex, 70% of BPDers report having been abused and/or abandoned in childhood. That is where the anger came from. In addition to creating the anger, the trauma (together with genetics) also froze their emotional development at about the level of a four year old. The result is that a BPDer has poor control of his emotions and thus often experiences intense feelings that distort his perception of your intentions and motivations. In addition, BPDers have such a strong fear of abandonment that it is not uncommon for them to preemptively abandon their partners to avoid the pain of being abandoned.

 

Significantly, if your Ex is a BPDer, he is fully capable of walking away even though he really loved you. If he did not really love you, however, the most likely PD would be Antisocial PD/Sociopath. Yet, because you were convinced for 18 months that he loved you, BPD seems a more likely candidate. That's why I suggested you read about it to see if it rings a bell.

[ItsRainingAgain]

InAndOut, the hyper sensititivity to comments, jokes, and criticism is far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. As to the moodiness, bipolar typically causes mood swings that take about 2 weeks to build and then they last for several weeks. If 4 occur in a year that is considered "rapid" cycling. In contrast, a BPD mood change typically takes about ten seconds to occur and lasts about 5 hours -- and four such changes can easily occur in a few days, on just one day.

 

If he has strong BPD traits, he likely is what is called a "quiet BPDer" or "waif BPDer" because you do not mention any temper tantrums or verbal abuse. Of course, he may not be a BPDer at all (you have provided very little detail about his dysfunctional behavior). If he has done a lot of blaming and acting like a victim, I would suggest you read about quiet BPDers and see if it rings a bell. An excellent article is available at http://www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html. If that does not sound familiar, I suggest you read about other disorders because something is very wrong with that man for him to have done what he did. As I said, an emotionally healthy man is simply not capable of doing that.

 

I hope Inandouttalove is doing well...I have been checking on this thread, her situation with her (ex) boyfriend sounds oh so close to mine....I want to thank you Downtown...It sounds like mine has one of these distorters ..I am still looking it up. I know he is on medication for depression and seizures...but I think the pills are for much much more than that. It went from I was his everything to ...nothing. Here is my first thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280691/ sorry it is long and I still left out major factors that would sound like BPD. Loev this forum and I want us all to get better over this heartbreak.

[inandouttalove]

I'm doing ok I suppose just been crying alot its been 16 days since we have spoken and I feel that he is with someone else. I have a strong feeling because he usually misses me right away and can't go a day without talking to me so there has to be someone else occupying his time .

There is not much I can do I miss him so much but I feel like its really over.

[inandouttalove]

Just a lil something to add to this story.The day before he stopped talking to me he was at his friends bbq he usually never goes out but im thinking he met someone so anyways ....I texted him at work the next day when we are at work we usually text all day even if we are busy we still manage, then on his ride home from work we would chat on the phone followed by texts all throughout the day and calls at night and a good night text, so that day I texted him I adore you and he takes a while to text back and says ttyl im busy ok I get it perhaps it was a busy time so thought nothing of it so I call him after work when we usually talk and guess what no answer, which is odd he always has his phone and always picks up when I call .Ok so then later in the day I text him are you coming over on the wknd, takes a while for reply which he usually replies immediately and the text says probably not I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok so i text him back why what's up? no reply so I call him and he shut his phone off which he has never ever done to me ...then that was it never heard from him again 16 days so far....

I even texted him after a few days r u ok cause i thought maybe there was something up I was concerned no reply i don't know why i am torturing myself counting the days as I will probably never hear from him.....

[Pinky40]

inandoutta love i know what you are going through as i met the most amazzing man ever and we had been together 7 months seeing each other every day we could (due to child care commitments) we couldnt see each other every day, but we spoke and text and face booked each other every day. he told me he loved me so much and that i was the best thing that had happened to him, he h ad jus spllit from his wife and i asked him on a few occassions if he was happy with the way we were and he told me over and over again that he could not cope if it hadnt been for me!!!!!! then out of the blue and after a wonderful long weekend away he decided that he 'couldnt do the relationship thing' anymore, he told me he still loves me and always will but OMG it hurts so bad and is so painful every day. he still contacts me but has told me that he only wants to be friends! i am really struggling with that and everday it get harder.

[ItsRainingAgain]

I'm doing ok I suppose just been crying alot its been 16 days since we have spoken and I feel that he is with someone else. I have a strong feeling because he usually misses me right away and can't go a day without talking to me so there has to be someone else occupying his time .

There is not much I can do I miss him so much but I feel like its really over.

 

I thought the same thing about there being someone else... as mine too couldn't go days without talking or seeing me...I actually broke down and drove by his house to see if there was another car....there was not. Still didn't make me feel better.

 

You must read up on some of Downtown's posts about BPD...if this is what our (ex) boyfriends have I believe there in the "The Hater" stage:

 

[COLOR=#2b416a]"Think About It... A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A..[sIZE=2] "[/sIZE][/COLOR]

[inandouttalove]

Thank you for your replies, I am reading up on BPD so thanks for giving me the advice to learn about that . I appreciate it very much.