hibiscus3 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 My ex boyfriend and I had been together for two years, one and a half of which were filled with his constant disappointment and put downs towards me. He always told me how much he loved me but he always wanted me to change something about the way I looked or the way I was living my life. Don't get me wrong, we had amazing days too and its not like he never said nice things to me but by the end we both expressed how unhappy we were and how much pressure we felt regarding the relationship and our future even though things hadn't been that great for a while. I think the problem was we both never pictured ourselves ending up with someone like the other, so there was all this dissatisfaction with each other. Yet, as friends and lovers in the present we got along so well and that's why we loved and wanted to stay with each other. Two and a half weeks ago, he blew up at me saying horrible things and putting me down yet again. By the way, in two years I've never said anything cruel or spiteful to him once. After the fight he said that he thought we needed to just end things, separate, take a break, all these terms were used and I'm still not sure how he feels about it or truly defines it in his mind. He did say however that he wasn't looking to see other people he was just looking for our break up to "fix" everything that was wrong with out relationship. I think this is such an unhealthy approach, but I agreed because I had really reached my threshold for fighting and we decided not to be "in a relationship" anymore. However, we had been planning for over a year to travel together this summer and both quickly agreed that we would still love to do this. The traveling is supposed to take place in a little over a month from now, and I didn't feel that strange about it until now. I met this really great guy this week who I've been hanging out casually with who is everything I thought I wanted in a partner (unlike my ex) and is respectful of me and thinks I'm great. I really wanted to take things slow with him, but we were hanging out last night and got a little too drunk and ended up having sex. He was so sweet the whole time and wants to keep seeing me, but I know it was way too soon for me emotionally and now I feel so horrible. Part of me wants to say screw the trip, screw my ex who never treated me right, and just embrace this new romance. But the other part of me is crying, feels disgusted with myself and extremely guilty about hooking up with someone so soon after the break up and before this trip I still really want to take. If I do go on the trip I'd have to lie about this incident or the whole trip would be ruined I'm sure of it, and I hate lying about anything. I don't know what to do, and I can't figure out how to shake these horrible feelings right now. Have I made a huge mistake?
TearyEyedPride Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 IMHO cut yourself some slack. Whether you'd like to admit it or not you were in a verbally abusive situation and you need to leave whenever someone is abusing you physically or making you feel worse about yourself. I'm sorry but your ex blows and it sucks to know that he puts you down when it's clear that you beat yourself up just to be ok with him. With the ex... break the shackles. I know it's hard... but you've gotta let this go. Also giving you credit... it's VERY UNHEALTHY to take a break in a relationship and think that it's going to solve everything unless it was personal space that you guys were arguing about. There has to be some communication, some understanding of the issue, some planned resolution... things just don't miraculously repair themselves. With the new guy... i'm kinda happy for you and yet kind of wary for your situation at the same time. Sleeping with him too soon... he may be a rebound guy you like because he makes you feel better than you do with your ex. Or you may genuinely have an interest in him... i'm not sure. You keep saying he's sweet and he wants to keep seeing you... Either you have to let him go fast if you don't see this going anywhere before you hurt him... or... explore the options. In regards to traveling with the ex... I wouldn't do it. I don't see the need to be miserable with someone while you're supposed to be having fun.
TheVSilent Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I was very verbally abusive to my ex, who in turned dumped me. After this happend, it has made me realize how horrible I really was to her, and how I took her for granted. Although your boyfriend is verbally abusive, I feel he is doing the right thing with a break. Sometimes you need to step back and see what you got to fix yourself, thats at least what was forced upon me. I miss her everyday but it has made me a better person. Don't feel bad for what you did, you are really on a break, and only YOU know if you truely want to be with the new guy or give your boyfriend a chance. Either way I can't say it is the worst advice to take a break, I wish I would have done that with my relationship earlier, it may be salvaged by now.
Nohbody Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Sticky situation. You can tell your ex the truth before you go on the trip, and see what his reaction will be (you probably already have a good idea). You could not tell him and go on the trip. You could make a clean break and try with this new guy. Or, you could do something else. What is the right decision? There isn't one.
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