bentnotbroken Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Please take a break from commenting on my posts.. You don't seem to agree with ANYTHING that I say so I really don't understand why you still want to comment ? We are obviously very different and have extreme different viewpoints, which is fine with me but I do not look for posts of yours that I do not agree with and constantly add little comments about your life and your posts.. Please let me breath and view my opinions and express myself in the way I feel comfortable with. I get it !! You don't like me or agree with anything I say !!!! :confused: :lmao::lmao: You are self involved aren't you? I clicked on the wrong thread and was able to delete it before someone else commented. It doesn't always work out that way....I got lucky that time. But so glad you think you mean that much to someone other than no legs. :lmao:
bentnotbroken Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 And to answer you question.. YES, I am self involved !! So what ! It was rhetorical. :lmao::lmao:
Author Bette_Davis_Eyes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Actually the woman who is being lied to and cheated on is in much worse of a position. She is clueless and trusts her husband. Whereas the other woman knows exactly what she is dealing with. A man who is married to another and willing to lie to his wife, his kids, his friends and coworkers to sneak around. In other words the mistress has her eyes wide open and the wife is totally in the dark. I agree. I’d rather be W than OW, but OW rather than BS. Maybe there’s a 50/50 chance OW gets lied to, but a 100% chance BW does. That’s worse. It has nothing to do with competition. IMO, MM gets automatically branded as incapable of telling the truth. If that was the case, why would Ws try to reconcile with a known “liar”. Some MM can be honorable despite having an A. Not all sell their W as “evil” or whoa is me scenario. If OW is said to buy it hook, line, and sinker seems you’d read the same being applied to the BW but you don’t. People seem quick to try to devalue As.
donnamaybe Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I agree. I’d rather be W than OW, but OW rather than BS. Maybe there’s a 50/50 chance OW gets lied to, but a 100% chance BW does. That’s worse. It has nothing to do with competition. IMO, MM gets automatically branded as incapable of telling the truth. If that was the case, why would Ws try to reconcile with a known “liar”. Some MM can be honorable despite having an A. Not all sell their W as “evil” or whoa is me scenario. If OW is said to buy it hook, line, and sinker seems you’d read the same being applied to the BW but you don’t. People seem quick to try to devalue As. Not all A's end in the WS and OM/OW not together. They rarely do, however. A small handful. The A's I would tend to devalue would be the ones that linger on and on and on and on and on. Obviously, the MP isn't going anywhere. Better to let the BS in on the secret. That way they can decide whether they want to kick the WS to the curb so the OW/OM can have 'em.
White Flower Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Not all A's end in the WS and OM/OW not together. They rarely do, however. A small handful. The A's I would tend to devalue would be the ones that linger on and on and on and on and on. Obviously, the MP isn't going anywhere. Better to let the BS in on the secret. That way they can decide whether they want to kick the WS to the curb so the OW/OM can have 'em. Only problem with that DM is that some BW just won't no matter what. Their needyness overrides their pride and independence.
donnamaybe Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Only problem with that DM is that some BW just won't no matter what. Their needyness overrides their pride and independence. And the OW/OM who accepts sharing their partner when they would prefer otherwise? Why are they any different? Aren't they also needy and lacking pride and independence? If the WS refuses to leave the BS, it must be quite a meaningful R. Can there be a meaningful R with both the BS and the AP at the same time? All the while, the greedy WS is getting it all and then some.
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 If the OW is fooling herself in believing MM tells her the truth, doesn’t love his W, or lies about his M, how is it that BW is in a better position? Bw gets lied to during the A and lied to on Dday. If its naïve to think MM doesn’t love his W, isn’t it naïve to think MM couldn’t love the OW. Isn’t the BW’s position that she can only go by what MM tells her about the OW and the A the same as it’s said OW couldn’t possible know what MM’s M or W is really like? What's love or lies got to do with it? The one with access to his public affection and bank account is the one in the better position. Sure, that turns it into some sort of competition, but women are always in competition with each other - no point in denying that or trying to seem like they are uber-mature and that it would be beneath them to compare themselves or their "position" to that of another woman. The woman whose name is on the Beneficiary line of his life insurance policies and in his Will, is the one in the better position. What's the point of being with the "love of your life" if at the end, all you have are memories?
MissBee Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) What's love or lies got to do with it? The one with access to his public affection and bank account is the one in the better position. Sure, that turns it into some sort of competition, but women are always in competition with each other - no point in denying that or trying to seem like they are uber-mature and that it would be beneath them to compare themselves or their "position" to that of another woman. The woman whose name is on the Beneficiary line of his life insurance policies and in his Will, is the one in the better position. What's the point of being with the "love of your life" if at the end, all you have are memories? Speaking of....at one point as the OW...I asked the guy what would happen if, God forbid, he died? I would feel so awkward coming to the funeral, I wouldn't have that same support that his longterm gf would have, she would get to sit at the front, be acknowledged by family and friends and be comforted as the one who lost, I would have NO right in any decisions if he were in the hospital, I'd probably be the last to know. I would be some person crying in the back, whom a couple of his friends know, but who out of respect and decency for the gf and their child would probably not support me that much. She would have his family's support, she would get his stuff, and her grief would be out in the open therefore dealt with a lot better...me? I would feel alienated. SMH. And THAT was one of many things that slapped me in the face making me realize I didn't want that sub-par status and that complication and I can't put myself through something like that. Life is hard as is, why add extra complications and limitations??? Unless he is the last man on earth, he could be my "soulmate"...IDGAF....life is already hard, I refuse to add further complications. Accidents happen...if he dies, then what? If I accidentally get pregnant when a condom breaks or b/c fails, then what? If we end up having a child with major health issues, then what? If he is in a coma, then what? The list goes on where as the OW you DON'T have that full access and you clearly don't think of these life tragedies and how they will shake up such a relationship. I'd rather be in a scenario where there is a greater chance that that person can be there 100% in my time of need and me in theirs and we don't have to expose some lie first and where the stress of the tragedy coupled with the awkwardness of the affair make an already bad situation that much worst....anyone telling me it's fine, welll if you are built to withstand such things, kudos but I'm not. Edited June 7, 2011 by MissBee
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 why would Ws try to reconcile with a known “liar”. Because some cheating spouses truly are sorry and are deserving of a second chance. Because it's a wife's right to fight for her marriage and not just 'hand over' her husband to an OW waiting in the wings. Because if the marriage is fixable, it's worth a chance fixing, even more so if kids are involved and many years of marriage. It all depends on the BS and their views on cheating, what they will put up with and won't put up with. Some don't want to work it out, it's one strike and you're out. Some do. And, there's nothing wrong with a BS taking back her CH as long as he's willing to put in the effort and prove himself, willing to work on himself and do marriage counselling too. Why would OW's keep taking back their MM after D-day, or multiple D-days knowing the guy is a liar and chose his wife?
White Flower Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 What's love or lies got to do with it? The one with access to his public affection and bank account is the one in the better position. Sure, that turns it into some sort of competition, but women are always in competition with each other - no point in denying that or trying to seem like they are uber-mature and that it would be beneath them to compare themselves or their "position" to that of another woman. The woman whose name is on the Beneficiary line of his life insurance policies and in his Will, is the one in the better position. What's the point of being with the "love of your life" if at the end, all you have are memories?I have PDA with MM all over my FB, and I am beneficiary on one of his plans. I guess that means I have more than memories, but truth be told, when I'm old and gray and sitting in my rocker all I'm going to really care about are my memories.
White Flower Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Not all A's end in the WS and OM/OW not together. They rarely do, however. A small handful. The A's I would tend to devalue would be the ones that linger on and on and on and on and on. Obviously, the MP isn't going anywhere. Better to let the BS in on the secret. That way they can decide whether they want to kick the WS to the curb so the OW/OM can have 'em. Aw come on Donna, you know you devalue all As, including the one you participated in. But that's not my main reason for answering your post. You said better to let the BS in on the secret so she can kick him to the curb. Then I replied with the answer that BS has been informed but is too needy to let go. Unable to come to grips with that response, you try taking a pot shot with the following jab at me... And the OW/OM who accepts sharing their partner when they would prefer otherwise? Why are they any different? Aren't they also needy and lacking pride and independence? If the WS refuses to leave the BS, it must be quite a meaningful R. Can there be a meaningful R with both the BS and the AP at the same time? All the while, the greedy WS is getting it all and then some.Change the subject if you need to, but it doesn't throw anyone off. And how do you presume to know if and what and whom I am sharing or whether I prefer otherwise? People change as well as their needs and circumstances and most of my needs are fulfilled at the moment and I'm pretty darn happy. In fact, I'd rather be me right now than her truth be known. And you don't get to tell me how meaningful my R is to me. You should have seen my doctor telling me how lucky she thinks I am to have his love and support during all of my medical visits. She says it's rare for a man to be in the room during a procedure like that, and she was so taken with his presense in support of me. Call me crazy but our love was pretty meaningful to her.
greengoddess Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Aw come on Donna, you know you devalue all As, including the one you participated in. But that's not my main reason for answering your post. You said better to let the BS in on the secret so she can kick him to the curb. Then I replied with the answer that BS has been informed but is too needy to let go. And you don't get to tell me how meaningful my R is to me. You should have seen my doctor telling me how lucky she thinks I am to have his love and support during all of my medical visits. She says it's rare for a man to be in the room during a procedure like that, and she was so taken with his presense in support of me. Call me crazy but our love was pretty meaningful to her. So white flower why is it on her, the wife to dump him? Why is it her the wife being too needy. Why is your married "boyfriends" responsibility in ending the relationship? She stays because she is needy. Why is it he stays with his wife? Does he take any risk going to your doctor appointments? What harm does it do him? They are day time appts that I'm sure are very easy to attend. Can you call him any time of day or night when you need him and chat for hours or is he hiding from the wife he doesn't care about so not to hurt her feelings? I'm sorry for you. You deserve more than that.
donnamaybe Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Aw come on Donna, you know you devalue all As, including the one you participated in. But that's not my main reason for answering your post. You said better to let the BS in on the secret so she can kick him to the curb. Then I replied with the answer that BS has been informed but is too needy to let go. Unable to come to grips with that response, you try taking a pot shot with the following jab at me... Change the subject if you need to, but it doesn't throw anyone off. Change the subject? You're the one who started talking about how BS are so pathetic because they resort to sharing their spouse. I merely asked why it is any different for the other person in the triangle. Was that a potshot at you? Not on my part. If you take it that way, I can't help that. But if you considered it so, then perhaps your assertion about needy BS's was a potshot at a person who knows their spouse is having an A and still puts up with it. And how do you presume to know if and what and whom I am sharing or whether I prefer otherwise? People change as well as their needs and circumstances and most of my needs are fulfilled at the moment and I'm pretty darn happy. In fact, I'd rather be me right now than her truth be known. And you don't get to tell me how meaningful my R is to me. You should have seen my doctor telling me how lucky she thinks I am to have his love and support during all of my medical visits. She says it's rare for a man to be in the room during a procedure like that, and she was so taken with his presense in support of me. Call me crazy but our love was pretty meaningful to her. I'm glad you're happy. Good for you. It wasn't long ago, though, that there was quite an unwillingness to share. An outsider might then consider that perhaps expectations were lowered. If that's not so, then it's not so. Only you know that because none of us can actually see into a person's mind, and if you know that, then there is no reason to be concerned what anyone else might think.
White Flower Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 So white flower why is it on her, the wife to dump him? Why is it her the wife being too needy. Why is your married "boyfriends" responsibility in ending the relationship? She stays because she is needy. Why is it he stays with his wife? Does he take any risk going to your doctor appointments? What harm does it do him? They are day time appts that I'm sure are very easy to attend. Can you call him any time of day or night when you need him and chat for hours or is he hiding from the wife he doesn't care about so not to hurt her feelings? I'm sorry for you. You deserve more than that.Hey GG, thanks for saying I deserve more. I did not say it was 'on the wife to dump him'. I said she had all the facts but was too needy and clingy to do so. That is NOT projecting anything on any poster here, that is just the mistake I believe MM's BW is making. Nothing is easy for him because he is retired and she babysits as much as she can. She even pulls in her adult kids to do it, lol. It's crazy funny, but I don't post about it because even I don't believe the shyte I see happening right before my eyes! I could NEVER babysit a man like that! But that's HIS shyte, not mine!
White Flower Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Change the subject? You're the one who started talking about how BS are so pathetic because they resort to sharing their spouse. I merely asked why it is any different for the other person in the triangle. Was that a potshot at you? Not on my part. If you take it that way, I can't help that. But if you considered it so, then perhaps your assertion about needy BS's was a potshot at a person who knows their spouse is having an A and still puts up with it. I'm glad you're happy. Good for you. It wasn't long ago, though, that there was quite an unwillingness to share. An outsider might then consider that perhaps expectations were lowered. If that's not so, then it's not so. Only you know that because none of us can actually see into a person's mind, and if you know that, then there is no reason to be concerned what anyone else might think. Don't be putting words in my mouth now, Donna. I never said she was pathetic. If you take it that way, I can't help that. Assume what you want, but I didn't say that. We need to set something straight about 'sharing'. I will put this as politely as I can. There is no comparison between me and any other love interest my MM has ever had. I don't ever feel that I am in competition, and there are many things, at least the important ones, that I absolutely do not have to share. You can believe what you want, but their experience is nothing like many BW's I see posting here. I cannot tell you the kind of evidence I have, but let's just say I'm pretty confident about the important things. About lowering one's expectations. You actually bring up a valid point. There is no way I could have gone back to the way it was; it had to be better, LOTS better than it was. He made it better.
jj33 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My MM told me that their sex life was not up to his standards WAY before we got involved. We were just friends and to be honest not really even that good of friend yet. So a little surprised that he was so open but I seem to natually get people to spill their guts on this specific subject. ( most likely to my optimistic and open view of human sexuality) I totally believe him because he was specific in the parts of it he liked and the parts of that were unsatisfactory to him. He even explain how sex with his Ex was amazing and very very frequent, but that his current wife just wasn't into it. At THAT time he was asking for my advice as a female and what did I think he should do to try to get her more involved. More again's: I am NOT giving out any cake so I don't know why you keep saying that! Why do you think cybersex isnt cake? If anything it allows him to say he "isnt cheating" and deny he has any sort of inappropriate relationship with you. Its an even bigger form of denial IMHO. And why isnt it a red flag to you that he is told you such intimate details about his sex life with other women in his life when you werent even that close. Youve got blinders on. Big dark blinders
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Hey GG, thanks for saying I deserve more. I did not say it was 'on the wife to dump him'. I said she had all the facts but was too needy and clingy to do so. That is NOT projecting anything on any poster here, that is just the mistake I believe MM's BW is making. So you don't WANT him to leave his M? Nothing is easy for him because he is retired and she babysits as much as she can. She even pulls in her adult kids to do it, lol. It's crazy funny, but I don't post about it because even I don't believe the shyte I see happening right before my eyes! I could NEVER babysit a man like that! But that's HIS shyte, not mine! Who would want to LIVE like that?! I mean him (obviously not her). Why doesn't he just get it over with already and end the M?
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 More again's: I am NOT giving out any cake so I don't know why you keep saying that! Having his cake and eating it too isn't just all about sex, it's about a selfish man who wants to stay married and have someone on the side. Affairs for a MP IS having cake! Hello!
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I never understand when the ow complains that the wife won't leave. I mean HELLO the wife is not in love with someone else the married man supposedly is so why the heck won't he leave and why blame the wife for the marriage staying together?Good point. A MP who says they are in love with someone else should want to leave, not the BS who doesn't have another love interest. One should be happy to leave that type of M, living in a fishbowl like that with everyone "babysitting."
alexandria35 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I don't know if Whiteflower is going to address these questions but I believe from reading her previous posts that she doesn't see her MM as someone who is manipulating and using two women for his own selfish gain, but rather she sees him as a victim of his controlling wife and family.
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) I don't know if Whiteflower is going to address these questions but I believe from reading her previous posts that she doesn't see her MM as someone who is manipulating and using two women for his own selfish gain, but rather she sees him as a victim of his controlling wife and family. And the question remains: Why not get a D? The best way for a MP to maintain the status quo is to convince their AP they are "stuck" in their situation. I hope that isn't the case here, though, but only the MP in each situation knows the truth. Edited June 8, 2011 by donnamaybe
OWoman Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 And the question remains: Why not get a D? There are many reasons some retired people are reluctant to D. Sometimes it concerns their own security and comfort (will they be OK financially if they have to split all of their assets and set up a new home?) and sometimes concerns for the security and comfort of their spouse - who may, on D, lose access to their medical aid, their insurance policies, their pension etc especially if they are themselves not retired, and thus still technically capable of generating their own income. (I understand that D law differs from country to country and even within some countries - my point is not to niggle on the vagaries of D law in any particular location... which may or may not apply in this particular case. My point was a more general one - that retired people often lack the confidence that younger working people have that they can simply re-earn any income or assets lost in the split, and that thiis can inhibit their readiness to leap into unknown in this way.) The best way for a MP to maintain the status quo is to convince their AP they are "stuck" in their situation. Where the BS is aware of the A, surely they would also require some kind of convincing - unless they really were that desperate that they were prepared to hang on to the M at all costs?
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If the BS is aware of the A, why bother with the "babysitting" of the WS? Isn't that kind of moot at that point? And is he unable to get a divorce unless she agrees? That would suck.
OWoman Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If the BS is aware of the A, why bother with the "babysitting" of the WS? Isn't that kind of moot at that point? uh.... to make sure he's not going out to meet his lover? To make sure he's sitting at home "behaving" and not communicating with his lover? To make sure he's not getting up to anything she doesn't approve of? And is he unable to get a divorce unless she agrees? That would suck. Not sure where that idea came from...?
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