Rea333 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 It's Sunday, I've been in all weekend (all my friends had other plans) so I've had way too much time on my hands to over think about the ex. Despite trying to keep busy, gym, watching a film, seeing family etc I've had a bit of a why why why day. We broke up 3 months ago and I never got a real reason. Just a "I'm not happy in my life I don't know why, it's not you it's me (please!! Cliche alert!!) he said he needed space...I tried to remain dignified and thought he'd realise it was a terrible mistake if I gave him space. I went a whopping 3 days of no contact before I needed to know if he'd changed his mind. My poor tortured mind didn't realise I already had my answer with the dumping and the no contact! Anyway he was cold, distant and told me to move on with my life. This seemed so out of character. And I've remained in no contact since. The point of my thread is he never did contact me again and I would give anything to hear from him. To know that he was thinking about me by initiating contact. Just once. But maybe those potential crumbs would just set me back on my healing process? So fed up today!! Just needed to vent!
carhill Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 IMO, the erasers are much easier to deal with than the stringers; the latter are like the torturer operating the waterboard. So, yeah, I think you should consider yourself lucky.
J0N Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I know how you feel. I broke up with my ex of two years seven months ago. I have not heard from her since. I am bothered that she never reached out, but carhill is probably right, it would only slow the healing process. I hope she is doin well though, but for now this is probably best. Whenever I am alone I frequently find myself pining for her to contact me.
dangerstranger Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I honestly think it's for the best- any contact would bring you back to square one. There will come a time when you won't care if you hear from them again. I know that's hard to fathom right now- but it's the truth.
GreenPolicy Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 IMO, the erasers are much easier to deal with than the stringers; the latter are like the torturer operating the waterboard. So, yeah, I think you should consider yourself lucky. I'm not sure about that. I think you would quickly pick up on being strung along and played. When somebody never communicates ANY dissatisfaction with you or the the relationship and violently and abruptly cuts you out of their lives, it sets you up for a painful obsession. Takes a long time to realize the answers just don't exist.
reimeivn Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think you are incredibly lucky. He is sending a straight message: He is not that good of a guy. You need to find somebody else. You can pretend like he is dead, ( he should be in your life from now on) and make new friends, as well as finding your new bf.
Sugarkane Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I'm not sure about that. I think you would quickly pick up on being strung along and played. When somebody never communicates ANY dissatisfaction with you or the the relationship and violently and abruptly cuts you out of their lives, it sets you up for a painful obsession. Takes a long time to realize the answers just don't exist. GP is correct. If I hadn't been throught this situation myself, I still wouldn't be on here at all
Author Rea333 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 It's not so much that I need a reason for him ending things, it's more so that after two great years, talk of marriage and babies and we were about to finalise moving in together, he went distant and cold and effectively gave me a back-handed break-up. (me offering him space, him taking it and never calling again!) He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me only two days before we broke up! Then (apart from my sobbing why why why call a few days later) I haven't heard a thing from him since. Nothing from his friends, nothing from his family (I was close with them all too) and haven't seen him or anyone connected to him since we broke up 3 months ago. I just long for him to say he hopes I'm ok, he's sorry he hurt me, but most of all I want him to say he's sorry and it's all been a huge mistake. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW this isn't going to happen and I am "moving on" because there is no chance of this ever happening. But you can't help wishing they realised what they'd lost. Thing is, I think he's probably got someone else now. He's not the kind of guy to hang about. And I would love to meet someone new. But it just hasn't happened for me yet. I know he's not coming back - I'm not that naive, but it's natural to want to know they "made a mistake" I'm over the initial shock, but now it's just a few good days followed by crushing low days where I'm caught in a cycle of why?!! I hope I can meet someone else soon. I'm early thirties and it's much harder now I'm that bit older.
Exit Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 If he's not interested in being with you then yes you are absolutely lucky and he is inadvertently doing you the biggest favor he possible can, by leaving you alone to move on with your life. I'm still in touch with my ex which you would think if people were decent and if life was ideal, it would mean we're gonna work things out, but I could just end up getting burned in the end all because she wanted to hang on to me a little longer. I've even told her that the biggest favor she can do me, if there is no chance, would be to leave me alone, and stick to her guns even if I am the one who caves in and texts her to hang out, she should do me the favor to say no instead of getting my hopes up. The dumpers are the ones causing all of the pain and I think it's only fair that they should have to come up with the strength to be clear and certain in their behaviors, like in my case, I'm the one who got dumped, why should I have to decide to stop trying, I never wanted to be without her in the first place. So of course if I can call her up and she'll still sit outside with me and chat for a bit, I'm still going to. If she's the one who absolutely doesn't want me, she's gotta find the strength to be "mean" and say "no that wouldn't be right because we're over". I'm sure that would be hard for her if she doesn't want to hurt me more than she already has, it's difficult for her to be cold towards me because we still love each other, but she has to realize trying to be "nice" by letting me keep seeing her is actually a horrible thing to do to me if she has no intention of coming back.
carhill Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 GP is correct. If I hadn't been throught this situation myself, I still wouldn't be on here at all When people leave, they're dead to me. It's as simple as that. I was married to a faker so I know how brutal that can be. It's a different, yet equally valid, experience. Hope that makes sense.
giuliano-3 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think it sucks pretty bad either way. As someone who has been strung along for a year I know it makes it much harder to move on when there is a constant stream of breadcrumbs. IDK if you should consider yourself lucky or not, and never count out the possibility of the ex contacting you at some point in the future. Mine waited 3 months before contact, after that it was twice a week for months and months. Torturous stuff.
DontWorryBHappy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Honestly it does suck either way. My break up was maybe 6 weeks ago (or a little less) and the last time I ran into my ex was maybe 2 weeks ago. He asked me if we were talking at all still, and I said no. Figured that would drive the nail in the coffin and he would leave me alone for real. But no, I have a missed call from him on my phone today. Very random indeed. I'm ignoring it, but I have a feeling I haven't heard the last of it. Part of me is thinking, "ha. so you're not dealing with this as well as you thought huh?" and the other part of me is annoyed and realizes he might just be looking for an ego stoke. VERY annoying....
Ajax Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 When my ex dumped me she said she needed space. I was respectful and told her I wouldn't bother her, but that when she wanted to talk I'd be there. She never did. It's been almost 10 months and she never called, texted, emailed, or Facebooked. Not one indication that I ever meant a thing to her. I know how hard it is to have them disappear without a trace. But I've also seen the opposite happen. My cousin got dumped about the same time I did, but his ex called him every day. She would call him and tell him every day for months at a time that they were never going to get back together. That's why she called. It was absolutely crazy. So I don't know who's better off. I think in an ideal situation there would be enough contact to get some degree of closure, but not a constant reminder of what was lost. That balance seems to be a rare thing though, and I'm not even sure it's possible.
GreenPolicy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 When people leave, they're dead to me. It's as simple as that. I was married to a faker so I know how brutal that can be. It's a different, yet equally valid, experience. Hope that makes sense. What in your mindset helps you to do that? I'm asking because I'm just under 8 months from being blindsided, getting dumped mere days after going to look at wedding bands, her telling me what kind of ring she wanted, emailing me wedding venue suggestions, telling me she wanted my parents to meet hers, her sitting her parents down and telling them I was The One, etc. I know that even in the unlikely event that she walked through the door right now asking me to take her back, things wouldn't be the same and I couldn't trust her to not bail again. Intellectually I've processed everything and am doing an okay job of moving on. But emotionally I am holding on to something. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about the situation that I have not let go of. Maybe it's just the fact that it was the relationship equivalent of going to the movies and the projector shuts off 2/3's the way through. Things still seemed very well on the whole. Maybe it's that I didn't get to say everything that I wanted or have the opportunity to sit down with her and discuss things like two mature adults. Every other relationship I had, the end was a logical consequence of everything that unfolded before it. It felt like my healing was stunted this time when I didn't really understand what had happened. Either she was never invested in the relationship, and played along for a while, or she was invested and then for whatever reason at some point decided she could not continue. I'll never know whether it was the former or the latter and I guess at this point it's not important anymore. She left and doesn't want to be with me. But there is something I am still holding onto. It's not really a desire to reconcile, because I know I couldn't trust her again. Or really even to hear from her, because there's nothing at this point she could say that would make me feel better. I dunno, maybe an apology, but if she were capable of empathy, then I would never have been discarded like garbage to begin with. It's not a search for the answers, because I realize that I probably wouldn't like the answers even if I could get them. I just wish I could put my finger on it. Maybe it's closure, and I understand closure comes from within, not something they can help you with. I just wish I could figure out how to attain it.
carhill Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 What in your mindset helps you to do that? Unknown concretely but it is possible the combination of being an only child with consistent care and love and no abandonment allows me to clearly determine the intent behind those who choose to abandon or leave. Those who do become two dimensional and are no longer of any importance. They made a choice and I respect their choice. It's out of my control. A parallel would be I greatly respect those women who have straight-up rejected me in the past. No ambiguity. They do not want me in their life in any capacity and make it clear. Again, it is the fakers and worse, the faker Hoovers who tease and taunt and fake like they care/respect/love, then pull back, then push forward, then pull back, like a rubber band. This is where my socialization gets me into trouble, in that I tend to give people who demonstrate *some* care and love the benefit of the doubt. The Hoovers are usually real good at gauging when I (or anyone) has had our fill of them and they'll turn on the faucet, capitalizing on that benefit of the doubt tendency we have. Takers are very sensitive to the behaviors of givers. Hoovers, fakers, and takers are all cut from the same cloth. The hard part is sussing them out, especially the good ones, and I've met some masters of their domain. TBH, wrt 'answers', I've rarely if ever cared. When someone leaves, their leaving is my answer. All other answers are moot. I may self-examine to determine what my responsibility may have been in that dynamic, then resolve it, take any lessons, and move forward. Generally, this is done during 'alone time' between romantic relationships and/or other interpersonal relationships. The one aspect I've received further clarity about is being able to put disparate and discreet actions, circumstances and dynamics from the entirety of a relationship into one continuum to reflect upon. As they say, 'hindsight is 20-20'. Indeed it is. Wonderful clarity.
GreenPolicy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 TBH, wrt 'answers', I've rarely if ever cared. When someone leaves, their leaving is my answer. All other answers are moot. I may self-examine to determine what my responsibility may have been in that dynamic, then resolve it, take any lessons, and move forward. Generally, this is done during 'alone time' between romantic relationships and/or other interpersonal relationships. . Would you say you forego all judging of your exes in this aspect? My ex-ex and I broke up, and it was sad, but I understood completely what was going on, what the score was, it made sense, and it was the best thing for both of us. Have you ever been in a situation where you were caught by surprise by a breakup, didn't understand it, couldn't make heads or tails of it, and so you are saying you just accepted the situation for what it was? When I reflect back on my relationship with my ex, I can certainly say that I was not perfect, that I didn't always say the right thing, that spending so much time with each other as couples do, I got on her nerves from time to time with my idiosyncrasies, etc. But I did treat her with kindness, affection and respect and loved her to the best of my ability. I could honestly not tell you what I did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. I guess this is what people mean when they say ultimately the answers do not matter. Having the answers does not change the result. She probably cannot articulate it any better than she did when leaving me.
Ajax Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Would you say you forego all judging of your exes in this aspect? My ex-ex and I broke up, and it was sad, but I understood completely what was going on, what the score was, it made sense, and it was the best thing for both of us. Have you ever been in a situation where you were caught by surprise by a breakup, didn't understand it, couldn't make heads or tails of it, and so you are saying you just accepted the situation for what it was? When I reflect back on my relationship with my ex, I can certainly say that I was not perfect, that I didn't always say the right thing, that spending so much time with each other as couples do, I got on her nerves from time to time with my idiosyncrasies, etc. But I did treat her with kindness, affection and respect and loved her to the best of my ability. I could honestly not tell you what I did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. I guess this is what people mean when they say ultimately the answers do not matter. Having the answers does not change the result. She probably cannot articulate it any better than she did when leaving me. I agree that when you don't see the end coming and you don't understand why it happened, it creates a disconnect in the processing, and a stunted recovery. But at some point we have to accept that we may never understand and move on regardless. I don't understand a lot of things but I can accept them because the evidence is in front of my face. I don't understand how or why an internal combustion engine works, but I accept that it does. I don't understand Einstein's theory of Relativity, but experts seem to be finding more and more evidence of its accuracy, so I accept that it's most likely true. I don't understand why or how my ex was able to tell me one day that she loved me more than anyone she's ever been with and wanted a future with me, and the next couldn't be in a relationship and cut me out of her life. Yet she did, so I accept that there was something wrong with our relationship even if I don't understand what it was. There is a certain degree of peace that comes with acceptence, even if you don't have insight. Edited June 6, 2011 by Ajax
carhill Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Would you say you forego all judging of your exes in this aspect? So far, yes. When they've said or indicated 'It's over', and left, I had no further contact. With my exW, once we had the 'I think we better divorce' talk, I made no further efforts or contact, except to handle the business of divorce. Have you ever been in a situation where you were caught by surprise by a breakup, didn't understand it, couldn't make heads or tails of it, and so you are saying you just accepted the situation for what it was? So far, I've never been surprised, though I've chosen to see things to the end. However, that data point is quite limited, including only three LTR's and one marriage. When I reflect back on my relationship with my ex, I can certainly say that I was not perfect, that I didn't always say the right thing, that spending so much time with each other as couples do, I got on her nerves from time to time with my idiosyncrasies, etc. But I did treat her with kindness, affection and respect and loved her to the best of my ability. I could honestly not tell you what I did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. I guess this is what people mean when they say ultimately the answers do not matter. Having the answers does not change the result. She probably cannot articulate it any better than she did when leaving me. Nobody is perfect; not her, not you, not me. We're all flawed. Accepting each others flaws is part of the synergy of human relations. If someone leaves due to irreconcilable flaws in themselves or another, then it is a valid action. It might not be fair, nor right, nor respectful, but it is valid. It is their truth. I don't fight their truth. I accept it. The mind-fµckers are another matter. Truth can be nearly impossible to discern. It's nebulous, situational, ever-changing and ever-morphing. This can be crazy-making, unless one has clear boundaries to reject such dynamics straight-away. I'm still working on that.
aiina Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 The point of my thread is he never did contact me again and I would give anything to hear from him. To know that he was thinking about me by initiating contact. Just once. But maybe those potential crumbs would just set me back on my healing process? Hi, from my experience most of the exes contact us when they need attention, so it really doesn't matter really whether they contact or nor, but if you'd respond or not.
Sugarkane Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 The mind-fµckers are another matter. Truth can be nearly impossible to discern. It's nebulous, situational, ever-changing and ever-morphing. This can be crazy-making, unless one has clear boundaries to reject such dynamics straight-away. I'm still working on that. I'm afraid like Greenpolicy, my ex falls into this category.
dearestpie Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 It seems so much harder for me when the ex continues contact with you. A couple weeks after my breakup, me and my ex were trying to be friends, but we would both cry every time we saw each other, and for me that hurt worse than anything. To see that he was still in love with me and hurting, but he wasn't willing to give our relationship a chance. After a week of that he went NC with me, the night before he did saying "I'll call you tomorrow" then I never heard from him again. I feel like that makes it so much easier, because you can say "well at least I know now I deserve better than a person who would treat me like this." I was doing fine until it was my birthday and he wished me a happy one on my Facebook wall. Now it just hurts again because I can't tell if he cares about me or not, what is going on, and I'm just confused. It's been a rough week.
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 It really feels like my ex is dead, as I never heard/saw from him again. Ironically he keepsin contact with his ex flings, but not me who he had an actual relationship with.
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't get it, aren't they even the least bit curious about us?
Fufu Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Actually, I feel it's good that you are not hearing from him anymore. Answers really won't bring anywhere... because they no longer wanna work things out anymore. Sugarkane: Sounds like a weird ex in my opinion. Be glad that he's not contacting you and therefore you prevent the possible trap of being strung along. Personally, I'm truly glad my ex doesn't contact me anymore. So much better than keep contacting me and I probably will take longer time to walk out of the break up.
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