Crazy chick1 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Why am I such a fool? As I mentioned in a previous thread, my MM got back in contact with me 9 wks after we last spoke & we talked & the ice broke a little after the bitterness that occurred with D day. He asked a mutual friend to ask me to call him again today & we talked again & also met up (at his request) for a short while in a public place. Basically the conversation today was exactly as it was prior to the A ending, except we didn't say that we loved each other & the flirty chat was curbed somewhat. Having said that, we didn't hide the fact that we both still have strong feelings for each other. MM plans to tell his W about our chat today (not all of it obviously) but is not going to admit that we saw each other. We have arranged for me to call him again at the same time next week (& we see it as an ongoing arrangement) but he said that he will not tell his W about those subsequent calls. He also said that she hates me & primarily blames me for the A & he has had to hide the fact that he still cares for me from her. He said that if she found out we were in ongoing contact she would throw him out. At this point there is definitely no plan for a resuming of the physical A, but I assume this is what is known as an emotional A on here? I know what I am doing is wrong & I can see that he is not the man I thought he was who I put on a pedestal & adored. So why am I putting myself through this again? And why would he risk his M again, it's totally warped?
carhill Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Him? Cheer's effect. You've been a comfortable place to get support and sex. He'll be happy to have that again and will push the buttons to make it happen. You? Oxytocin bond. You emotionally bonded through sex and are now stuck, mainly due to lack of 'completion'. It's like you want to cum but can't. It's frustrating. Yet you still want it.
Gissie Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Because he is addicted to excitement, ego boost or whatever the A brings into his life. And no its not a physical thing. Just talking to you brings the feeling. I know you would hope its because he loves you so much that he just cant stop, well he doesnt at all. He doesnt love anyone but himself. If hed love you - he would let go by now when he OBVIOUSLY isnt going to leave his marriage and give you want you really need to be happy. I know its easier said than done but dont let your feelings cloud your better judgement. You said it yourself, he is not the person you thought he was. Work on your self esteem. You dont have to be mean to him, just firmly move on and dont look back. (Unless he actually changes something - which is unlikely)
Beeotch Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 The reason he is doing what he is doing hardly matters as I've learned trying to see inside the mind of another, in an attempt to make their behavior more palatable to me, results in headache and frustration. This man is not the last man on earth and time and experience proves that no matter how strongly you feel for someone, with time and No Contact you get over it. This situation doesn't make you feel good, there is no reason to do it. Ask yourself why you're doing it? It will probably boil down to some feelings of fear and clinging because you don't think you deserve better. But you do. This man is not the greatest man alive and these feelings will not last always, cut him off and stop letting him control the reigns of your life. He can do what he pleases (as he ALREADY does) , subtract yourself from the situation and live for you.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I know what I am doing is wrong & I can see that he is not the man I thought he was who I put on a pedestal & adored. So why am I putting myself through this again? And why would he risk his M again, it's totally warped? Exactly. Why ARE you putting yourself through this again? Whatever HIS reasons are for risking his marriage do NOT matter. That's on him. What counts now is WHY ON EARTH are you back in contact with him and settling for such sh.it on a stick?? WHERE is your pride and ego? You are taking so little and seem so happy with what he's giving you. A few phone calls, a secret meeting.. You're lowering yourself to certain standards and he now knows he push you in any direction he wants, you'll come running to him! He isn't going to tell his wife anything, not one word about you. He's LYING to you. Again. I don't get why you're more concerned about him and his wife/marriage than you are about your own mental health and sanity in all of this. Keep on this path and you'll have noone to blame but yourself. YOU KNOW he's full of crap, been through a bad d-day, yet you're excusing his behaviour and continuing on with him as now it's an EA. Good luck and I hope you come to your senses, end it once and for all.
20Seconds Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 You? Oxytocin bond. You emotionally bonded through sex and are now stuck, mainly due to lack of 'completion'. It's like you want to cum but can't. It's frustrating. Yet you still want it. I think this is the best description I have ever read of how you feel as an OW when you try to break off an affair
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 The reason he is doing what he is doing hardly matters as I've learned trying to see inside the mind of another, in an attempt to make their behavior more palatable to me, results in headache and frustration. This man is not the last man on earth and time and experience proves that no matter how strongly you feel for someone, with time and No Contact you get over it. This situation doesn't make you feel good, there is no reason to do it. Ask yourself why you're doing it? It will probably boil down to some feelings of fear and clinging because you don't think you deserve better. But you do. This man is not the greatest man alive and these feelings will not last always, cut him off and stop letting him control the reigns of your life. He can do what he pleases (as he ALREADY does) , subtract yourself from the situation and live for you. I'd always been independent & strong until I entered the A. For some reason, possibly as he's older than me & very dominant, I let him lead me & go along with what he wants. He seems to have a hold over me that I can't break. He treated me very badly when the A ended but told me today that much as it hurt him, he pretended to not care about me to help me move on, which does make some sense. The problem now seems to be that HE never really moved on & appears to have dragged us both back to somewhere near where we were before. I feel as though by resuming with the emotional bonding it would not take much before we were back in the physical A, as there is a very strong attraction between us & the sex was great. However it is obviously a bigger deal for him because of his W. I feel like he may be deluding himself though because he told me that he is disgusted with himself for 'lying, deceiving & cheating', when surely this is exactly what he's doing all over again (even without the sex). His W had set rules regarding informing her of any contact from me & up to now he had followed the rules but now seems to be bending them more & more.
20Seconds Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Sorry OP, I lost my other comments. I think your MM's behaviour is pretty disgusting. Hasn;t got the guts to finish his marriage. Hasn;t got the decency to finish your A either and is just leaving you dangling on the merest wisp of his attention to keep you invested. If you want to know what's going to happen next, well my money is on he waits a few weeks - months even, for the dust to settle on his marriage. Slowly he'll start to pick things up with you again, but probably not to the point that they were before. He'll have to be more careful. Less communciation between you. Less time together not to arouse suspicion. He still wants it, of course - but his terms will change - well, look, they already have. So you have a choice. No more affair, ever, with this man, or an affair on worse terms than you had before? What do you think, in the long run, will be the better option for you? Which option will give you your life back, to be in control of your future?
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Sorry OP, I lost my other comments. I think your MM's behaviour is pretty disgusting. Hasn;t got the guts to finish his marriage. Hasn;t got the decency to finish your A either and is just leaving you dangling on the merest wisp of his attention to keep you invested. If you want to know what's going to happen next, well my money is on he waits a few weeks - months even, for the dust to settle on his marriage. Slowly he'll start to pick things up with you again, but probably not to the point that they were before. He'll have to be more careful. Less communciation between you. Less time together not to arouse suspicion. He still wants it, of course - but his terms will change - well, look, they already have. So you have a choice. No more affair, ever, with this man, or an affair on worse terms than you had before? What do you think, in the long run, will be the better option for you? Which option will give you your life back, to be in control of your future? I do feel somewhat out of control & I know we are both making irrational decisions. We both have addictive personalities & I can't help but think that this maybe is some sort of addiction for us both?
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 As somebody that also has an addictive personality (never been in an affair though) my advice would be this: you need to find your metaphorical rehab (sounds silly I know) and expect "withdrawals" to last for a long time. Maybe you should find some more hobbies...anything to keep your mind busy and off MM.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 I'm sorry, but I don't see him as "dragging" you anywhere. You seem to be a willing participant in the trip. You are an adult, know this dude is a loser, know he treats you poorly, and yet here you are again, letting him call all the shots. This is all on YOU. Fair point. However I cannot accept that he 'treats me poorly', I have to accept he is M & therefore cannot treat me as well as what he would like. I've painted a bad picture of him but he is not a bad person, maybe somewhat selfish & confused but not nasty.
BB07 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Insanity is..........doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Flabbergaster Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 you're putting yourself back at risk for the same reason he is: you feel a lot of strong feelings, you think you want to be with him. I can sympathize with him, there are days I can barely keep from yelling her name. Rather than ask why you are interested, perhaps ask what you should do next? If you put yourself at risk with him, it will lead right back to the A that you had before. Think for a bit of how badly that sucked. Right down some notes on the painful nights. I encourage you to explore your love with him. The way to do that would be to tell him, "hey this was refreshing, but I can't be damaged so much again. This brief contact lets me know that if/when you are single I would really really like for you to look me up. Until then...it's too dangerous for me to have any contact with you. I have strong feelings for you, they cannot coexist with your M."
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