IamHer Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) My mm just told me that the whole time we're been together his wife has been battling cancer. I had no idea about this and it's pretty much ended the relationship. I havent spoken to him since the day he told me and he hasnt contacted me. The day he told me about her cancer he also told me she was in the hospital recovering from having both breast removed. I dont know how to convey my emotions but in short I lost all interest in him after he told me that. I couldnt believe that instead of being with his children, preparing them for seeing her that way, he was on the phone with me trying to smooth things over. He actually said the reason he cant leave her is because of her caner! I'm sure we all agree that he's not worth Anyone's time but i've been feeling really bad for his wife. Shes still young, nice looking and VERY successful in her profession. I really wish I had a way to tell her whats been going on. Shes fighting cancer and honestly shouldnt spend her years with someone like him. I'm not the person to tell her this, however she does know about me. She knows my name and has been suspecting something is going on but it hasnt been confirmed. What would you do in this situation? I already know its not my place to tell her and I certainly dont want him but like i said in this situation things are different. Edited June 5, 2011 by IamHer i was rambling on and on, sorry.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 If she calls you, then tell her the truth and apologize for your part in the affair with her husband, explain to her that the A is over, you ended it as soon as you found out she had cancer. Do NOT call her and tell her! The timing isn't right and now she needs to focus on getting better, doing chemo and radiation. She has enough on her plate to deal with so please, do not call her. I really hope you do stay in NC mode with him. His behaviour is diguisting, having an affair on his cancer stricken wife just shows how little respect he has for her and their family unit.
BB07 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 If she calls you, then tell her the truth and apologize for your part in the affair with her husband, explain to her that the A is over, you ended it as soon as you found out she had cancer. Do NOT call her and tell her! The timing isn't right and now she needs to focus on getting better, doing chemo and radiation. She has enough on her plate to deal with so please, do not call her. I really hope you do stay in NC mode with him. His behaviour is diguisting, having an affair on his cancer stricken wife just shows how little respect he has for her and their family unit. I agree with this great advice. OP......hate to be cynical but have you confirmed that she really does have cancer? Some men use the most heinous lies to lower the OW's expectations/when she is demanding too much.
spice4life Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I agree with this great advice. OP......hate to be cynical but have you confirmed that she really does have cancer? Some men use the most heinous lies to lower the OW's expectations/when she is demanding too much. I agree with BB07, unless you have indisputable proof I would take this with a grain of salt and continue to move on. And hear say doesn't count. This is another typical MM scenario that fits in with "she's nuts and I have to protect my kids." Truth is, he is a gutless wonder who likes to eat cake.
woinlove Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I agree with others that this is not the right time, assuming the information is true. I almost always advocate honesty, but staying alive is even more important. Sadly, from stories here and elsewhere, is not uncommon for MM to start affairs when their W is ill, dealing with a close death, pregnant or has a newborn.
Author IamHer Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Thank-you all for your responses. I was windering if she is really sick too, I did some snooping and I canter tell if maybe he confessed or if she really is sick. At the risk of sounding stalkerish she is somewhat famous and no one has mentioned her being sick, ni one has conveyed any sadness or emotion around the time she would have had her surgery. I'm finished with him, I just really needed some guidance. Thank-you again, I really appreciate it.
BB07 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Thank-you all for your responses. I was windering if she is really sick too, I did some snooping and I canter tell if maybe he confessed or if she really is sick. At the risk of sounding stalkerish she is somewhat famous and no one has mentioned her being sick, ni one has conveyed any sadness or emotion around the time she would have had her surgery. I'm finished with him, I just really needed some guidance. Thank-you again, I really appreciate it. I don't blame you for being curious, I would be also. If he has told such a heinous lie it just goes to show what kind of man you were really dealing with. The point is........you are finished and that's a good thing. You can pick up the pieces and move on to a happier life. Good for you and give yourself some pats on the back.
jj33 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 If she calls you, then tell her the truth and apologize for your part in the affair with her husband, explain to her that the A is over, you ended it as soon as you found out she had cancer. Do NOT call her and tell her! The timing isn't right and now she needs to focus on getting better, doing chemo and radiation. She has enough on her plate to deal with so please, do not call her. I really hope you do stay in NC mode with him. His behaviour is diguisting, having an affair on his cancer stricken wife just shows how little respect he has for her and their family unit. That. Exactly and what BB said. If she has cancer the last thing she needs is to hear from you. If she doesnt, forget him anyway. Either way unless she calls you, your only mission is to move on.
Fugu Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 My mm just told me that the whole time we're been together his wife has been battling cancer. I had no idea about this and it's pretty much ended the relationship. I havent spoken to him since the day he told me and he hasnt contacted me. The day he told me about her cancer he also told me she was in the hospital recovering from having both breast removed. I dont know how to convey my emotions but in short I lost all interest in him after he told me that. I couldnt believe that instead of being with his children, preparing them for seeing her that way, he was on the phone with me trying to smooth things over. He actually said the reason he cant leave her is because of her caner! I'm sure we all agree that he's not worth Anyone's time but i've been feeling really bad for his wife. Shes still young, nice looking and VERY successful in her profession. I really wish I had a way to tell her whats been going on. Shes fighting cancer and honestly shouldnt spend her years with someone like him. I'm not the person to tell her this, however she does know about me. She knows my name and has been suspecting something is going on but it hasnt been confirmed. What would you do in this situation? I already know its not my place to tell her and I certainly dont want him but like i said in this situation things are different. For the love of God do not talk to her -- not now. Let her and her husband salvage what they can on their own, and get out of the picture. That said, I think you absolutely did the right thing and showed some decency by ending the affair in light of the circumstances. I think you have done what you should, and now the best thing you can do is go on with your life and leave them alone.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Thank-you all for your responses. I was windering if she is really sick too, I did some snooping and I canter tell if maybe he confessed or if she really is sick. At the risk of sounding stalkerish she is somewhat famous and no one has mentioned her being sick, ni one has conveyed any sadness or emotion around the time she would have had her surgery. I'm finished with him, I just really needed some guidance. Thank-you again, I really appreciate it. Just because she's famous doesn't mean anything. There are ways of keeping things private even if one is well known. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away and forget about him and his marriage, don't get involved at all. Even more so if she is famous, how would you like to be in the papers? If this gets out, her H was cheating on her, it's easy for her to make you look bad in public, name you and find a way to get your picture.. Some BS's are thankful to be told, others not so much.. Especially if he lies and throws you under the bus. Just be sure if you want to go digging into her life and their marriage..What goes around comes around and bites back 10 times harder! Let yourself let go and grieve so you can heal.
TurboGirl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 If she calls you, then tell her the truth and apologize for your part in the affair with her husband, explain to her that the A is over, you ended it as soon as you found out she had cancer. Do NOT call her and tell her! The timing isn't right and now she needs to focus on getting better, doing chemo and radiation. She has enough on her plate to deal with so please, do not call her. I really hope you do stay in NC mode with him. His behaviour is diguisting, having an affair on his cancer stricken wife just shows how little respect he has for her and their family unit. AGREED! Please don't call her. She is fighting for her life. Please remain in NC with your xMM. What a horrible human being.
Spark1111 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I don't blame you for being curious, I would be also. If he has told such a heinous lie it just goes to show what kind of man you were really dealing with. The point is........you are finished and that's a good thing. You can pick up the pieces and move on to a happier life. Good for you and give yourself some pats on the back. Hmmm....I can't help but wonder if he hasn't used this excuse before. If it's true, he is horrible, but OW in her right mind would add further pain to a woman fighting cancer. If it is not true, but used as the perfect cover to get the OW to go away and stay away.... he is still horrible. Unbelievable.
MissBee Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) My mm just told me that the whole time we're been together his wife has been battling cancer. I had no idea about this and it's pretty much ended the relationship. I havent spoken to him since the day he told me and he hasnt contacted me. The day he told me about her cancer he also told me she was in the hospital recovering from having both breast removed. I dont know how to convey my emotions but in short I lost all interest in him after he told me that. I couldnt believe that instead of being with his children, preparing them for seeing her that way, he was on the phone with me trying to smooth things over. He actually said the reason he cant leave her is because of her caner! I'm sure we all agree that he's not worth Anyone's time but i've been feeling really bad for his wife. Shes still young, nice looking and VERY successful in her profession. I really wish I had a way to tell her whats been going on. Shes fighting cancer and honestly shouldnt spend her years with someone like him. I'm not the person to tell her this, however she does know about me. She knows my name and has been suspecting something is going on but it hasnt been confirmed. What would you do in this situation? I already know its not my place to tell her and I certainly dont want him but like i said in this situation things are different. That is soooooooo sickening! I don't suggest you inform her of what is going on, as it will do NOTHING for her at this time but add to her stress. Battling cancer as well as a philandering husband is waaaay too much! You can never really know the entirety of a situation with a married man and the inner workings of his other life....ergo I choose to avoid all such situations altogether because it goes without saying that if you're galavanting and breaking your vows then why should I believe that you're not lying about your entire situation? One cannot prevent even a single man from being a liar, but if one already has a history or has shown signs of such (i.e. cheating) then why proceed, hoping for the best? I would HATE to be a third party in such a devastating triangle. If I don't know you're involved.....fine...excused, but if I do....then whatever lies this person hid is still something I chose to be a part of. Edited June 5, 2011 by MissBee
seren Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 During the time H had his A I had treatment for cancer and had, and still have a raft of chronic illnesses. This might sound harsh, but, why should the fact his wife has cancer prick your conscience anymore than the fact she would be hurt with or without it? I can appreciate your actions and possibly it is because you were seeing him for who he was, but, a BS hurts from an A whether they are ill or not. I would also add to the mix, that one of the symptoms of our marriage pre A was H not feeling he was good enough that he couldn't do anything to help me. Not a reason, but very often A's start because the MP looks for an escape from a life that feels out of control - not saying this is the case in all A's, not at all, but in some this plays a large part. I wouldn't tell her, not now at any rate, she has enough to cope with and her immune system will be rock bottom, the stress and pain of finding out about the A could have very serious implications for her recovery. I am glad you walked away and wish you well.
Author IamHer Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 This might sound harsh, but, why should the fact his wife has cancer prick your conscience anymore than the fact she would be hurt with or without it? I can see your point but from my pov I never cared about his wife. From my view all I saw was a man that I was crazy about and enjoyed spending time with. However, when he told me about her illness it disgusted me. I guess I was asking for advice because I know that she already knows something is going on and I feel for her. It's sad that shes going to spend the rest of her life with this ******* who did this to her at the worst possible time.
bentnotbroken Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I can see your point but from my pov I never cared about his wife. From my view all I saw was a man that I was crazy about and enjoyed spending time with. However, when he told me about her illness it disgusted me. I guess I was asking for advice because I know that she already knows something is going on and I feel for her. It's sad that shes going to spend the rest of her life with this ******* who did this to her at the worst possible time. It is a very bad time. But there is never a good time to find out you have been betrayed and lied to.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I can see your point but from my pov I never cared about his wife. From my view all I saw was a man that I was crazy about and enjoyed spending time with. However, when he told me about her illness it disgusted me. I guess I was asking for advice because I know that she already knows something is going on and I feel for her. It's sad that shes going to spend the rest of her life with this ******* who did this to her at the worst possible time. Yet you had an affair with a MM, knowing full well he was married.. It isn't up to you to play God in their marriage and decide what is best for her. Especially now seeing as she's trying to fight for her life. I REALLY hope you don't tell her. Sadly, the reason why now you feel for her is because she is suffering from cancer. If she wasn't, the A would still be on going and you wouldn't care for her one bit! Sorry that I may be coming off harshly, it's just that you certainly had no problem having an affair with him before, now all of sudden the A is over and you feel she should know what type of scumbag she's married to.. It isn't up to you to interfer in her life. If she is suspicious and calls you, TELL her the truth and (again) apologize for your part in the affair, for helping him hurt and betray her. DON'T put it all on him, as it takes two to have an affair.
MissBee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) The OP has ended the affair...whether or not she would have ended it without finding about the BW's cancer or has "learned her lesson" is really of no consequence in light of the question she's asking; whether or not she should tell the BW about her husband. I don't really buy the argument that she now cares about the wife, so much as I think she is upset at the MM for being a huge liar and betraying her and her telling the BW will be to spite the MM and not because she is so compassionate towards her plight. Reminds me of when I wanted to tell my ex's new gf about his issues and warn her about his narcissistic ways. Although he is all those things, I really wasn't concerned about this woman I did not know (as much as I told myself I was ) but I wanted to spite HIM and it was a way of still taking my anger out on HIM and a way to ruin HIS life. No one told me about him, and in any case I might not have listened, it was my lesson to learn and unsurprisingly the current gf and subsequent others found out for themselves as well without my "charity". I therefore would advise for her to realize this and not tell herself she is "trying to help"... Leave these people alone. What's in the dark eventually comes to light so trust that and don't be the "bearer of bad news". You will not be "thanked" and you would not have "saved the day", you'll probably end up in even more drama. Leave these people to their own devises. Edited June 6, 2011 by MissBee
Emme Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 You leave them alone. Take your emotions and deal with them. Leave this man alone to deal with his own mistakes. This was his mistake to make and he has to see this through. If you are looking to clear your conscience you need to have a talk with god. Do not think for one minute that you will be doing this woman a favor by adding additional pain on what she's already enduring. That's his story to tell not yours. Keep it moving. I don't understand why women feel the need to spill information when they weren't willing to spill it when the affair began. Your mouth was closed then I personally believe it should stay closed. Move on.
Woman In Blue Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Well, I'm going against the grain and saying that the OP should tell the wife, even if it's done anonymously. Maybe she could wait 6 months or a year, but the information is important to the WIFE. Just because the OW didn't choose to dump this loser until she saw how low he can sink DOESN'T mean that the information is any LESS important to his wife. The OW's reasons for telling the wife about the affair mean SQUAT in the end - the wife still has a right to know what kind of a scumbag she's really married to. Would you all want to be left in the dark just because the whistle-blower's reasons for telling you about your husband's affair weren't "pure" or "altruistic?" Does that really MATTER? Would that make the information any LESS important to YOU about your own husband? No, it wouldn't. Geez, look at the BIGGER picture, people. Stop concentrating on WHY she wants to share it with the wife - that's unimportant.
Silly_Girl Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 IMHO, MMs use the cancer line when they don't have kids. Jeez. That's incredible! How many men do you know who have done this? Do they brag about it? Do you remain friends with them? Do you know their 'sick' wives? Must be hard, being around men like that.
OWoman Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Jeez. That's incredible! How many men do you know who have done this? Do they brag about it? Do you remain friends with them? Do you know their 'sick' wives? Must be hard, being around men like that. Isn't it sick? I'm so glad I've never met any MM of the kinds that get described around here!
woinlove Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Jeez. That's incredible! How many men do you know who have done this? Do they brag about it? Do you remain friends with them? Do you know their 'sick' wives? Must be hard, being around men like that. I'm not sure which is better/worse ... a MM who cheats on his healthy W and tells the OW his W has cancer when he wants to end the A or a MM who cheats on his W right at the time she is facing possible death and needs support. Do you -- or others -- think one of these is noticeably worse? And, if so, why?
Silly_Girl Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I'm not sure which is better/worse ... a MM who cheats on his healthy W and tells the OW his W has cancer when he wants to end the A or a MM who cheats on his W right at the time she is facing possible death and needs support. Do you -- or others -- think one of these is noticeably worse? And, if so, why? I know that those times of enormous trauma can do awful things to the people involved. I know that well. I'm glad that I don't move in Pierre's circles where every married man without kids uses cancer as an excuse to flee the OW.
Spark1111 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I don't know men like that. However, if you read infidelity boards you will soon realize it is a standard line, however, not used as often "I am staying for the kids". I, personally find it a somewhat ingeneous line to end an affair, whether true or not. Think about it. My wife has cancer. How noble to return to care for your kids; how disgusting to cheat on a sick woman at the lowest time in her life. It makes the OW go away and KEEP the secret. This could be a very, very, advantageous line, especially if married to a famous woman, to just make the OW go away and say nothing. If it is true, he's a scumbag. And if it is not true? Wow, he is now a diabolical, conniving scumbag. But either way, the desired result is the same: The OW goes away and NEVER makes a scene or blows the whistle. Truly, one for the books.
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