To "D" or not to "D"....

[cupcak3]

My husband and I have been together for 26 yrs, married for 22... Now, I'm not sure I want to be stay married to him any more. We have 2 children, a 22 yr old son and an 18 yr old daughter. My son has severe depression/bi-polar for the last 7 yrs and getting worse every day. Not sure when I'll come home to find him dead. The stress of a slowly dying son does not help our marriage; that and the years of a breaking down relationship. And yet despite my not wanting to be married any more, I am not sure ending our marriage is the right thing to do. Here is my story.

 

I married my husband when I was 28, he 46. (I know, big difference in age). First marriage for both of us which in hindsight is a major complication since we both are accustomed to our independence. However, being the younger one and not the breadwinner, I gave that up first. Thus, as an end result, he bought our first 2 houses without my consult or approval. I've never forgotten or forgave him for that, but did not feel it was losing my marriage/family over it. Then he had a head injury which caused permanent minor short term memory loss and prevented him from his law practice. We then moved from CA to south AL because we could not afford to live in CA any more. Why Alabama ? B/C he was partial to being near the water and it was one of the few places where water properties were still cheap. Needless to say, the move was a big mistake. Everything we believed in did not match with AL (ie politically, ideologically). The kids hated the move. My daughter found friends but could never connect with them b/c of differences of religion and politics. A year later, my son professed he needed help b/c he was suicidal. He never stopped the suicide ideation, he is now worse than ever.

 

My children always told my husband how we hated AL, but my husband had bought a marina and have immersed himself to it. Similar to my son, a yr after the move, I started to be depressed myself, so I decided to go back to school to be a nurse. A profession my husband tried to convince me not to go into. Nevertheless, I pressed on and completed my nurse practitioner degree, 6 yrs later. During my school yrs with the exception of 1 yr where I was taking 27-30 credits a semester, I was working. My week consisted of school, clinical, work, cook, clean, doing the laundry, take care of my kids medical appts. I slept about 5-6 hrs a day, sometimes none at all. My husband worked hard at his marina, but when he gets home, his work is done. He then sits in front of the TV until he goes to bed at 10. No, he does not do the dishes after I cooked... Part of the this regiment is my fault, I complained (his definition is bitched) but never step my foot down... Until my last year of school when I just said everyone do their own friggin' laundry.

 

I have to admit, during the last year of school, I was "bitching" all the time, my husband could do no right, nor can my son. I expect a lot of myself so I expect the same from everybody... I think for this reason, my son grew to hate me, and dwell deeper into his depression. Also the fact that I've always questioned the medications the doctors put him on. However, in my son's opinion, I was interfering with his treatment...Perhaps I was, but as a mother, I question the need of addictive medications which I thought act as a short term fix but long term harm. Now, I no longer questions the physician's decisions but do control my son addictive meds... No my husband was not too involved with my son's condition until maybe 10 months ago, when it was evident that my son was getting worse and that my son hated me...

 

6 mos ago, I completed my MSN and NP certification. I decided it was a good time for us to move out of AL, but could not find a permanent job until last week (i'm currently on a temporary position, away from home until the end of this month). Meanwhile, my husband and I grew further apart. All he sees is that I "bitched" all the time. He says he feels mistreated and abused... I don't disagree that I've been difficult to deal with. I just don't think I'm being heard, and I'm resentful.

 

Finally, last week, the straw that broke the camel's back came. While I'm away working 50 hrs week, housed in a lonely hotel room, he tried to make me pay the first COBRA health insurance bill of which he has in front of him, saying since I've always taken care of the health insurance, I should just call the insurance company and pay it over the phone. Never mind that I don't have the phone number, the information, or the bill. Never mind that my son needs it paid so that he can continue to get his psychiatric treatments. Never mind that I just came back from an 11 hour day at work.

 

I feel my husband never knew me, loved or appreciated me... nor does he want to know me. I also realized I haven't been happy for a long time... I don't want to be unhappy any more. Though the thought of divorce has been here since we moved to AL. 8 yrs ago, it has never been this strong, until now... But I question if this is the right thing to do given my son's condition... My husband 68 now and is a decent man... though not a very good husband (never provided us with health or life insurance. I'm the one that provided the two with my jobs). I feel like I'm abandoning him in his old age... Am I being selfish? Will I know how to sever something that is a part of me for more than 26 yrs?

 

Sorry for being so lengthy and rambling... I'm really at a lost of what to do. This forum has quite a few male observers so I thought I would seek opinions to what the opposite sex sees.

Edited June 5, 2011 by cupcak3

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

IMO, if there is still love and respect on both sides, health can be restored. If not, call it a day. The kids are now adults, even with one who will need lifelong psychiatric treatment, and life isn't getting any shorter. Factor in whether or not the D will be contested or amicable and that associated financial and emotional cost. Crunch the realities and decide which is the healthiest path, preferably together.

 

Have either of you ever had any sort of counseling separately or together?

[cupcak3]

Welcome to LS

 

IMO, if there is still love and respect on both sides, health can be restored. If not, call it a day. The kids are now adults, even with one who will need lifelong psychiatric treatment, and life isn't getting any shorter. Factor in whether or not the D will be contested or amicable and that associated financial and emotional cost. Crunch the realities and decide which is the healthiest path, preferably together.

 

Have either of you ever had any sort of counseling separately or together?

 

Thank you for the input.

 

Not sure there is much respect left, and I'm not sure what I feel is love for a husband or just compassion for someone I spent more than half my life with. If the big "D" comes, it will most likely be amicable. I would like for it to be since I'm not one to pick gain of a few dollars over health of mind... As for counseling, the answer is no. Haven't had the time for personal counseling. Plus counseling only helps if there is something to salvage and the parties can change... My husband hasn't changed, nor do I expect him to change for me. I'm the one who changed over the years... I guess I want more out of a marriage now... The question remains, am I being selfish??

 

I hear stories of women who left their husbands and the husbands are left dumbfounded of what just occurred. It is because wives don't speak loud enough or is it because the husbands just don't see or hear???

Edited June 5, 2011 by cupcak3

[carhill]

MC helped my exW and I have a healthier, more amicable D. I consider it, in retrospect, to be 'exit counseling', paving a path for a healthier recovery. Up to you what value you assign to the downstream outcome, whether to grow the M or to D.

 

'This isn't working of me. I'm not getting what I need from this partnership. I'd like to explore that in counseling and clarify whether we should remain married or divorce and how either path will look. Will you join me?'

 

You make time for what is important. Think about all the time you've made for your bi-polar child. That was and is important. Your life, your health, is equally important. Get started today.

[Citizen-d]

I would try and make things work, men do not understand things till things are too late!

 

My wife left with the young children in February and I'm devestated at the loss! She told me last august that she didn't love me anymore and I changed from that day! It was little things like being lazy and not enjoying the children so I made the changes but there was an affair she was hiding! So now I'm trying to be the best man I can be for the kids and myself.

 

Move out for a week or two and let him know your serious and if he steps up then give him a chance!

 

My wife agreed I had changed but would not, but men can change and your children will be more happy if you have a better relationship with your husband !

 

Good luck

[heartshaped]

Honestly, I don't know if the problem is so much within your marriage or within yourself.

 

I want to ask you something, are you truly happy with yourself? Are you happy with your life? It doesn't sound like you are and it's impossible to be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself. You can't depend on your husband for your happiness, it has to come from within yourself. The two of you should come together as two separate individuals that are sharing your mutually fulfilling, joyful lives together.

 

I think a huge problem in your relationship though is that you don't let things go. I think your husband hurts your feelings or angers you and instead of forgiving him and moving on you are holding on to those feelings. Divorcing your husband isn't going to fix that. You'll have that problem with anyone. You have to learn to forgive and to move on. Resentment is eating away at you and your relationship.

 

Another thing is this nagging you are doing, that's not conductive or helpful at all. Speaking louder or more often will not help your husband to understand you better. Nagging is only going to drive him away and make him feel inept. If you need him to do something, ask him to do so, but not in an accusatory way, not in an angry or mean tone, and explain to him why you need him to do what you are asking him to do. Don't place blame, just state how you feel, what you need, and why.

 

I really think IC or MC would be a huge benefit to you and your marriage.

[Mauschen]

I think talking to your husband is a good first move. If you've been doing a lot of nagging, he might not even hear what you're saying anymore. Try a different approach and let him know how you feel without being accusational or threatening.

 

It seems as though he is not meeting any of your needs, and you are probably not meeting his needs either. If you want your marriage to work, I suggest visiting marriagebuilders.com.

 

My aunt was in a similar position as you several years ago and she made the decision to divorce. The strange thing is, once she did this, her husband changed in some very dramatic ways. He is now a model father to their adult children (ages 34 and 29), and he even invites me over for dinner every few months (I am not blood related to him). He is now a kinder, gentler, more thoughtful man than he was in the past. I am not sure how this change could have been implemented without a divorce, but perhaps it could have been.

 

I am sorry to hear about your son. I am sure it is stressful and painful for you, and it probably is for your husband too. I know your son needs support, but really, I am sure your husband does too. I think your husband at least needs to know how you're thinking and what you're thinking. He might have no idea.

[cupcak3]

Honestly, I don't know if the problem is so much within your marriage or within yourself.

 

I want to ask you something, are you truly happy with yourself? Are you happy with your life? It doesn't sound like you are and it's impossible to be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself. You can't depend on your husband for your happiness, it has to come from within yourself. The two of you should come together as two separate individuals that are sharing your mutually fulfilling, joyful lives together.

 

I think a huge problem in your relationship though is that you don't let things go. I think your husband hurts your feelings or angers you and instead of forgiving him and moving on you are holding on to those feelings. Divorcing your husband isn't going to fix that. You'll have that problem with anyone. You have to learn to forgive and to move on. Resentment is eating away at you and your relationship.

 

Another thing is this nagging you are doing, that's not conductive or helpful at all. Speaking louder or more often will not help your husband to understand you better. Nagging is only going to drive him away and make him feel inept. If you need him to do something, ask him to do so, but not in an accusatory way, not in an angry or mean tone, and explain to him why you need him to do what you are asking him to do. Don't place blame, just state how you feel, what you need, and why.

 

I really think IC or MC would be a huge benefit to you and your marriage.

 

Is anyone truly happy with themselves? I know I like who I am now better than when I first married him.

 

As for resentment, you are right. I can't let certain things go. The things that disregards me as a partner, a spouse to consult with. We went through 2 houses he bought without my consult and he bought it purposely while I was away. I guess I could have not sign the deed, but he left such a big deposit and I was too naive to realize there are ways to get your deposit back.

 

As for the nagging and "bitching". It didn't start out that way. It began as unfulfilled requests that lead to complaints that lead to nagging and so we end up with a lot of bitching that is full of resentment. I raised the kids, I did the cooking and cleaning, and laundry and work... He works, but when his work day ends, he sits in front of the computer or TV, while my work is not finished until midnight. By then, he has been asleep for 2 hours. Add graduate school on top of my schedule and I get about 4-5 hrs sleep max a night. No sleep, stressful work and school and he had no idea I was having a hard time... Please don't tell me that is worth holding on to.

 

Yes it is partly my fault for not communicating well enough for him to hear or recognize my unhappiness with our marriage...By now, I don't want to not be heard any more. I want to be appreciated, not sure I want to try to make it work... Not sure he will change. Can a 68 yr old change? Not easily...

 

We've been apart for over 5 wks since I took a job away from home. Distance is not making the heart grows fonder for me. We discussed divorce 2 wks ago. Since then we speak about once a week... Intimate isn't it?

 

I guess tonight I want out...