Epiphany of the day : I learned and grew so much more from this relationship

[Karala]

...than HE ever did!!!

 

It dawned on me suddenly that I had written messages on this old message board 3 years ago when we came close to breaking up for the first time...

I managed to track down those old messages from 3 years ago and re-reading my thoughts of that time is incredibly learnful.

 

Basically, I had the same realizations at that time that I did this time around. That I needed to feel more confident in his love instead of doubting it all the time and creating problems, blah blah blah.

You could think that that just means that we were bound to have the same problems again and again, that I would again and again have this realization that I needed to trust him more, and then go back to doubting his feelings, and then feeling sorry for creating problems with all my doubting, then having a realization, etc lol...

 

Yes but no, because : the thing is, I DID grow from my mistakes and end up in a more confident place, as a result of the understanding I had 3 years ago.

And the relationship did start off again on better ground and we were much, much happier and in synch after that, although we still had problems.

So this time around, I was just ready to take another leap of faith and go even farther. I was ready to let go of more of my insecurities, ready to trust him even more, to let him be even more who he is and accept him more.

I was ready to grow more... and he just wasn't.

 

What he said when we talked last time, and I told him I'd had realizations and I was ready to make it better, is "you told me that already before..."

Well yeah, I'd told him that already, and it was true.

 

It's so frustrating that I've done all this growing and maturing and he's not there anymore for it to be of any use now.

But I'm the one who took a good look at myself, realized I had issues and decided I was committed to work through them.

He's the one who got discouraged, just didn't want to bother anymore, probably didn't even give it that much thought, and just ends up the same old person, with the same lack of confidence in his ability to maintain a good relationship, and the same fears of commitment and intimacy that are making him unable to stay in a loving relationship with the person he loves.

How sad is that? He was crying everyday when we talked after reconnecting lately, and I know he'll be crying for a long time, missing me and feeling the same pain of having left me, that I'm feeling myself.

 

Lately I was so afraid at the thought of him ending up with another girlfriend soon in spite of all he told me about not wanting that, not feeling like he was capable to be with anyone for now.

 

The more I think of it, the less afraid I am. I think he was telling the truth, he is probably really incapable of being with anyone, as long as he's not working on his issues.

 

I love you, ex, but screw you.

[RuinedLife]

 

It's so frustrating that I've done all this growing and maturing and he's not there anymore for it to be of any use now.

 

I feel a similar way to you, as I've spent so long analysing everything I did wrong in the relationship and how I could improve and I definitely recognise my mistakes and would try my very best to never ever repeat them if my ex were to give me another chance.

 

But at the same time I feel incredibly frustrated thats its over and he doesn't seem to want to give me another chance.

 

I know I should be motivated to work on my own issues just for myself and for my family and the people around me, but the truth is I'm not motivated to do anything anymore now I've lost my ex.

 

I think I've let myself fall into a very deep depression pit and I have no idea how to escape, if my ex doesn't come back to help me out. I guess this is just another illustration of just how low my self esteem is at present.

Edited June 5, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Nohbody]

Hard as it is to admit, I wouldn't have started getting help for PTSD if she hadn't left me. Hell of a thing, but I know that I'm going to be better in the long run for this experience... it just sucks that it required losing the most important person in the world to me. Ah well. F'it.

[Karala]

...just wanted to say that.

 

Who needs therapy lol ^^