Feel like I've ruined my life

June 5, 2011

I feel like I've ruined my life. I had a good job near my small hometown with family and friends. I also had a girlfriend that I had only been together with for about three months but I've never had someone I felt I could trust so fully. She was great. She was also my first girlfriend and I'm 24. I was worried about the company's financial situation and got offered a job across the country where I knew no one. I basically had tunnel vision for this adventure I could go on. I always felt like I needed to leave the area to "make something of myself."

I emotionally shut down with my girlfriend and broke up with her. I basically went into shock I've decided. This happened back in February, and we got back together but I still wasn't in a good mindset so we broke up again. Since then we've had sporadic contact but it hasn't been productive at all. I basically told her I wasn't in love with her but in hindsight I was. I ache every day knowing I can't have her in my life. Granted, I'm so lonely where I'm at but I feel like I may have missed my only shot at a girl that great. She was crazy in love with me and I crushed her. She lost all trust in me.

I honestly feel like I have nothing to live for. I've been battling depression for the past two months which makes it hard to make friends. I've been doing so many things: meetup groups, going out and chatting with random people at bars, introducing myself to people in my apartment complex, going to church, volunteering at various events but nothing is helping. I've been going hiking, biking, and going for walks. My coworkers are all older and coupled up. I hate the job I moved here for. I've been going to a counselor and taking anti-depressents but those don't seem to be helping either.

I want to move back home, but I won't be able to get my old job back most likely and it will be so depressing being around without my ex. Good women are hard to come by in the area.

June 5, 2011

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June 5, 2011

I feel like I've ruined my life. I had a good job near my small hometown with family and friends. I also had a girlfriend that I had only been together with for about three months but I've never had someone I felt I could trust so fully. She was great. She was also my first girlfriend and I'm 24. I was worried about the company's financial situation and got offered a job across the country where I knew no one. I basically had tunnel vision for this adventure I could go on. I always felt like I needed to leave the area to "make something of myself."

I emotionally shut down with my girlfriend and broke up with her. I basically went into shock I've decided. This happened back in February, and we got back together but I still wasn't in a good mindset so we broke up again. Since then we've had sporadic contact but it hasn't been productive at all. I basically told her I wasn't in love with her but in hindsight I was. I ache every day knowing I can't have her in my life. Granted, I'm so lonely where I'm at but I feel like I may have missed my only shot at a girl that great. She was crazy in love with me and I crushed her. She lost all trust in me.

I honestly feel like I have nothing to live for. I've been battling depression for the past two months which makes it hard to make friends. I've been doing so many things: meetup groups, going out and chatting with random people at bars, introducing myself to people in my apartment complex, going to church, volunteering at various events but nothing is helping. I've been going hiking, biking, and going for walks. My coworkers are all older and coupled up. I hate the job I moved here for. I've been going to a counselor and taking anti-depressents but those don't seem to be helping either.

You're doing all the right things, but you're obviously working on autopilot right now...and I think that can often last for quite some time. The thing is that you've made a lot of pretty drastic changes in your life quite suddenly. Some of the top stressful life events in there. Moving away, breaking up with somebody, starting a new job. Change and a bit of stress is good for us, but too much can trigger bad depression and anxiety. You've evidently had too much.

Do your family know how you're feeling just now? If they don't, you should talk to them I think. Let them know. Even if you're not in a position to leave your current job right now, it might be helpful for a friend or relative to come and stay with you for a bit if they're able. Would that be an option right now?

June 5, 2011

I feel like I've ruined my life. I had a good job near my small hometown with family and friends. I also had a girlfriend that I had only been together with for about three months but I've never had someone I felt I could trust so fully. She was great. She was also my first girlfriend and I'm 24. I was worried about the company's financial situation and got offered a job across the country where I knew no one. I basically had tunnel vision for this adventure I could go on. I always felt like I needed to leave the area to "make something of myself."

I emotionally shut down with my girlfriend and broke up with her. I basically went into shock I've decided. This happened back in February, and we got back together but I still wasn't in a good mindset so we broke up again. Since then we've had sporadic contact but it hasn't been productive at all. I basically told her I wasn't in love with her but in hindsight I was. I ache every day knowing I can't have her in my life. Granted, I'm so lonely where I'm at but I feel like I may have missed my only shot at a girl that great. She was crazy in love with me and I crushed her. She lost all trust in me.

I honestly feel like I have nothing to live for. I've been battling depression for the past two months which makes it hard to make friends. I've been doing so many things: meetup groups, going out and chatting with random people at bars, introducing myself to people in my apartment complex, going to church, volunteering at various events but nothing is helping. I've been going hiking, biking, and going for walks. My coworkers are all older and coupled up. I hate the job I moved here for. I've been going to a counselor and taking anti-depressents but those don't seem to be helping either.

I want to move back home, but I won't be able to get my old job back most likely and it will be so depressing being around without my ex. Good women are hard to come by in the area.

I'm sorry to read of this.

My first response is to point out that, in all likelihood, returning home won't solve all your problems by itself. I think it's easy to assume that returning will make things better, because after all, things were good until you moved. But the short of it is, you could be just as wrong about moving back as you were about moving away in the first place. Maybe you just need to give your new home more time?

As for your relationship, I don't know what to tell you there. Personally, I think there's little hope of fixing that. Relationships either move forward or they don't, and if they don't, then that's usually not a good thing. It will never quite be like it was before, because there's too much that's been done and said. You could get back together, but it won't be the same, and what you both want ideally is for it to be the same relationship it always was, which it probably won't be.

You could still move home, but I would move back for the right reasons. Move because it's something that you really want. Take it from someone who has moved around quite a lot. Sometimes it takes time to settle into your new environment. Could even take up to a year in some cases. Don't join groups artificially. Find your interests and passions, and meet people through those routes. And just be patient and don't force yourself onto people. If it continues and you're just not happy, then consider a change at some point.

June 5, 2011

Thanks for the responses.

You're doing all the right things, but you're obviously working on autopilot right now...and I think that can often last for quite some time. The thing is that you've made a lot of pretty drastic changes in your life quite suddenly. Some of the top stressful life events in there. Moving away, breaking up with somebody, starting a new job. Change and a bit of stress is good for us, but too much can trigger bad depression and anxiety. You've evidently had too much.

Do your family know how you're feeling just now? If they don't, you should talk to them I think. Let them know. Even if you're not in a position to leave your current job right now, it might be helpful for a friend or relative to come and stay with you for a bit if they're able. Would that be an option right now?

My family knows how I'm feeling. Unfortunately nobody can come stay with me. Everybody has their own responsibilities. They have visited and I'm going home in a couple of weeks for an annual fishing trip I go on with my grandpa. I'm debating trying to meet up with the ex, but sometimes I wonder what's the point? I honestly would feel like a chump if she's dating someone else and I'm probably blowing the relationship out of proportion because I have nothing else to compare to.

I'm sorry to read of this.

My first response is to point out that, in all likelihood, returning home won't solve all your problems by itself. I think it's easy to assume that returning will make things better, because after all, things were good until you moved. But the short of it is, you could be just as wrong about moving back as you were about moving away in the first place. Maybe you just need to give your new home more time?

As for your relationship, I don't know what to tell you there. Personally, I think there's little hope of fixing that. Relationships either move forward or they don't, and if they don't, then that's usually not a good thing. It will never quite be like it was before, because there's too much that's been done and said. You could get back together, but it won't be the same, and what you both want ideally is for it to be the same relationship it always was, which it probably won't be.

You could still move home, but I would move back for the right reasons. Move because it's something that you really want. Take it from someone who has moved around quite a lot. Sometimes it takes time to settle into your new environment. Could even take up to a year in some cases. Don't join groups artificially. Find your interests and passions, and meet people through those routes. And just be patient and don't force yourself onto people. If it continues and you're just not happy, then consider a change at some point.

My reasons for moving home at this point would be:

Cheap cost of living. I could own a home where I could have my dog again, have a garage to fix my truck in and wash it, etc.
Like the small town lifestyle
Friends and family are there
Good coworkers and management at old job
Possible chance to save the relationship (not likely though)

My reasons for not moving:

If I couldn't get back with my ex, I have very valid concerns about not meeting someone for a long, long time. It would be hard to see her with the inevitable new guy she can easily get, too.
I had good friends, etc. when I left, but I can't help but feeling it will be different if I moved back. Plus, they will inevitably change as time goes on as well.
The company I was at was hurting financially, and there's very few other companies in the area that I could utilize my skills at
I might have a bigger problem of grass is greener syndrome that I need to address

June 5, 2011

Cheap cost of living. I could own a home where I could have my dog again, have a garage to fix my truck in and wash it, etc.
Like the small town lifestyle
Friends and family are there
Good coworkers and management at old job
Possible chance to save the relationship (not likely though)

These are mostly valid and practical reasons. If your partner is someone you really see in your life, then maybe it's worth trying to salvage the relationship. If you're lonely and feeling nostalgic about the good times you had together, then be careful about moving back for that reason alone. Of course, it seems like you have other reasons, too, which may just make this move a little easier from your point of view.

But I would not have the defeatist attitude that this is somehow your last chance to find a good woman. You'll have other chances -- perhaps many. It's hard to see that right now, but you will. Hell I'm older than you, and even though I'm happily married, I know that if five years down the road my wife leaves me, I would still have chances to meet good women. I obviously don't want it to come to that, but the point is, there are women around you all the time, unless you don't make much of an effort to pursue any. Then it wouldn't matter if you were living on Woman Island. It's in your head.

(Reasons for not moving)

If I couldn't get back with my ex, I have very valid concerns about not meeting someone for a long, long time. It would be hard to see her with the inevitable new guy she can easily get, too.
I had good friends, etc. when I left, but I can't help but feeling it will be different if I moved back. Plus, they will inevitably change as time goes on as well.
The company I was at was hurting financially, and there's very few other companies in the area that I could utilize my skills at
I might have a bigger problem of grass is greener syndrome that I need to address

Why did you move in the first place? Did you move with the idea of sticking it out or were you just not really sure about what you wanted and what your next move would be? If that's the case, then don't make the same mistake twice. I'm not saying don't move, but if you're going to move, then do it for reasons that make sense. You may have some good reasons such as those you mentioned above, but only you know if it's really worth it to move back. I guess it comes down to this: move because you have thought it out and believe it's the right move, not because you're feeling fearful or trapped. Try to get out of that and escape that negativity. Try to be patient and build a support network over the coming months. Work your way out of this, and then you make a decision about whether to return with a clearer head.

If I were you, I might sit down and just plan a way to build a support system, a social network. You say you don't like your job - okay, that happens. Maybe there is a person or two there you could meet up with occasionally on your off days, or go out for a pop after work. If not, then maybe you could find something to do outside of work. I don't know if 'meet up' is the answer. What about just some sort of activity or hobby in and around your town?

Edited June 5, 2011 by Fugu

June 6, 2011

Why did you move in the first place? Did you move with the idea of sticking it out or were you just not really sure about what you wanted and what your next move would be? If that's the case, then don't make the same mistake twice. I'm not saying don't move, but if you're going to move, then do it for reasons that make sense. You may have some good reasons such as those you mentioned above, but only you know if it's really worth it to move back. I guess it comes down to this: move because you have thought it out and believe it's the right move, not because you're feeling fearful or trapped. Try to get out of that and escape that negativity. Try to be patient and build a support network over the coming months. Work your way out of this, and then you make a decision about whether to return with a clearer head.

If I were you, I might sit down and just plan a way to build a support system, a social network. You say you don't like your job - okay, that happens. Maybe there is a person or two there you could meet up with occasionally on your off days, or go out for a pop after work. If not, then maybe you could find something to do outside of work. I don't know if 'meet up' is the answer. What about just some sort of activity or hobby in and around your town?

I appreciate how constructive your responses are. The job I took is a rotational job that moves me around the country for two years with a permanent placement anywhere in the country after those two years. So, when I signed up, I loved the sound of the adventure. Now, I realize it's going to be difficult to build much of a network moving around every 6 months, and I'm not sure I want to end up so far from family when I'm done. Also, the work is not really what I expected. It's decent pay and good benefits and hours, and very stable, but I'm not excited about the transient lifestyle.

Regarding your second paragraph, like I said in the OP, I've been doing just that. I honestly can't think of anything else to try, other than keep doing those things and be patient. I've got one friend that's pretty open to doing different things, so she's been a total lifesaver.

June 6, 2011

I don't think there's anything quite like being close to your roots. If you feel you are all alone in your newly-acquired region, you probably have a basis for that feeling. The trouble with establishing roots in an entirely new place is that it takes time and you'll have to deal with the struggles of being an outsider at first.

June 6, 2011

I feel like I've ruined my life.

OMG man! Forget your past, you're 24 and can EASILY make new friends where you live. Walk each day with a smile and you'll be surprised where you might find yourself!!

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