bobby10287 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) 2 1/2 weeks ago I found out that my girlfriend was considering breaking up. She asked for some time off, at first I was reluctant but I gave in the next day(Sunday). She tried to talk to me over the next few days via sms, I kept the conversations light and short. The next day(wednesday) was extremely hard on me, later that day when I got home from work we talked on the phone. It didn't go good, she told me she no longer felt 'in-love' with me, i cried and pleaded to give us a second chance, she cried as well and said she'd sleep on it. The next day I sent her a bunch of angry/upset text messages, nothing too horrible but definitely something I would like to take back. We talked in person in that day but everything went over the same as the night before, 'she still needed more time.' Over the next few days we hardly talked until Sunday afternoon, in which we had the same exact conversation again, except she finally ended it. She said she still wants to be friends and will always love me, but she's just not 'in love' anymore. Again i cried and pleaded, which was completely unlike myself. A little information on our relationship: We dated for 1 1/2 years, in retrospect, 1 year of it was absolutely incredible. She was crazy for me, way more so than I was. We had wonderful memories and experiences and loved eachother with absolute certainty. We are young, 22 respectively, but I was the first guy she ever kissed or made love too(I know, she held out long) and I can't tell you how many times she's told me how I was everything she ever wanted in a man(even withing the past few months). We're very close with each others families, her father is like another dad to me and she talks more to my cousins and siblings more so then her own a lot of times. She's a very pretty girl but also extremely difficult to approach, so I'm not too worried about her falling into the arms of somebody else anytime soon, but even if she were to date, I know she would never find anybody comparable to myself. Anyways, I've been NC for a week now(today), on a few occasions she's 'liked' something on my facebook, I've done it once on hers as well. Besides that, I've completely dropped off the map and focused on myself. In this time I've gotten in the best shape of my life while completely altering my appearance away from anything she's ever seen.(I look like a different person almost, and it no doubt looks very good) But in this time, I've been able to seriously consider what went wrong in the relationship and the mistakes I made. I became complacent and went through a period of depression which killed my confidence and attractiveness to her, I've changed this for the most part, and if she were to just open up a little to me, I know I could turn the attraction back on and we would be capable of a long and fruitful relationship(if she's willing to do her part). I'm looking for some reassurance that chances are not completely gone, because I love her with all my heart. If I can just get her to come around and forgive me I know I can swoon her again(with confidence). I'm a very smooth and attractive/athletic person, I was sortave a pickup artist before I met her, but I lost that edge when I entered into our longterm relationship. We've both invested so much and interwined our lives together that 'not seeing eachother ever again' is almost out of the question. Fairytale memories exist in our past and when the feelings were there, they were unbelievably strong, do I have a chance at recovering these or have I done too much damage. Edited June 5, 2011 by bobby10287
Nohbody Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Many of us can relate to what you are saying (especially the part about falling into the depression), but there is very little you can do right now. Are there chances for reconciliation? Absolutely. Will it happen soon? Maybe, maybe not. This sounds pat, but all you can control right now is you and how you handle this. She will come back if and when she is ready to... or she won't. Be the best person you can be, and do it for you. Make sure she's missing out on some good stuff. Good luck.
dj_x2c Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Many of us can relate to what you are saying (especially the part about falling into the depression), but there is very little you can do right now. Are there chances for reconciliation? Absolutely. Will it happen soon? Maybe, maybe not. This sounds pat, but all you can control right now is you and how you handle this. She will come back if and when she is ready to... or she won't. Be the best person you can be, and do it for you. Make sure she's missing out on some good stuff. Good luck. What this person has said is COMPLETELY TRUE! And you are on the right track with NC and figuring out what you did wrong! I was in 4 years. She had a guy telling her he could treat her better about 3 months before we broke up (The Rebound guy). We break up, she goes out on a date a week later. First month she is talking to him but sleeping with me. Then she sleeps with him. Month later she misses me, loves me, but in so much pain still that she wants to be with this guy (he numbs the pain but again its a rebound, gotta get over it first before you can do another). Space and time I heard is the key and making yourself more desirable and improving the places you messed up. Most likely those places are things you need to not do for her but do them for yourself first then put her second right now. When you do that, then you will improves twice as good and trust me she will notice. But if never mean't much to her in the first place then sadly she won't come back and it shouldn't be hard for you to get over on that part. So keep it up, and yes you have a high chance of getting back together. Mine is with another man and I have been told (and heard from people who went through it) that my chances are very good. Keep us informed!
Author bobby10287 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 I appreciate the comments, I promise to keep you guys updated as to whats going on, good or bad. I'm lucky that I don't really have to worry about her trying to sleep with another guy, sex is incredibly painful for her due to her cysts, and there aren't any rebound guys waiting in the midst, just a few GIGS friends of hers that she's started hanging out with more often. I'm starting to worry that she may go down this path, but those friends of hers will stab her in the back for a second of pleasure in no time. One of those friends was obsessed with me during our entire relationship, but I was smart enough to keep my distance. I was thinking of possibly using this to my advantage if need be and force her to actually see how these people are. I can find other girls easily, but I love her and so does my family, which is why I don't want to see her go down such a painful path. Just today my confidence level has shot through the roof, and not in just the fact that chances are good at reconciliation, I have confidence that I will be absolutely fine without her. I know at the end of the day that if this doesn't work out, she'll be the one left out in the freezing rain begging for shelter, not me.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Rough day for me, miss her like mad, feel the urge to contact her...but I know I can't. Really coming to terms with what I did to have things come to this, it really kills me to think I may have blown the best thing I ever had.
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Hey man. First things first, do NOT, under any circumstances, contact your ex. DO NOT DO IT. She knows you miss her, she knows you love her, and she knows you want to contact her. As long as she still knows that, she doesnt want to talk to you. Why? Who knows expect for her and she herself probably doesnt know, which is why you are in this place to begin with (more on this later). Just take my advice on this. I am the king of breaking NC and it has never once done me any good, no matter how I try to rationalize it. Trust me on this. As has been said countless times on here, I know what you are experiencing. Just yesterday, my girlfriend of 2 years decided to break things off with me permanently (so it seems), after we had broken up for a while starting in January and had only been back together for about 2 months. So a totally destroyed second chance. (Check out my other posts if you want some context...its not pretty, but it never is). Not only did she nix things with me, but I came to learn a whole heap of information that was absolutely devastating to my confidence, psyche, and feelings. Shes with another guy already. Mind you, the break up consisted of me learning "I am with someone else, so we are done." That was it. Okay, so now to why I felt the need to tell you that in relation to what you are going through. A break up is truly never easy for either party. No matter how it seems. Why it comes off that it is easy for one party is because the dumper has contemplated it, has come to terms with it, and has made the choice. They simply are further along in the process than those on the receiving end. That is why you acted like you did when she ended it. And you arent alone in having done that. I did the exact same thing when my ex and i broke up in January, and when we broke up yesterday, knowing that it was probably not the best thing to do; i was hurt, and i reacted. You have to realize that while its not "okay" per se to fly off the handle, at a certain point, hearing something so conflicting as what she was telling you is understandably going to elicit a confused, out of character response from you. The problem is that your ex is confused. I dont know your ex, but if she was as certain of her feelings for you as you are of your feelings for her, you simply wouldn't be in this place. Because of this, your ex is likely at present thinking in a non-linear way. To her, its not a matter of "I crushed this guy, so now I need to expect that he will be angry and feel a flood of emotion." Rather, its "I am confused, what do I do?" and she runs on impulse, with your reactions to make sense of something that is totally nonsensical right now serving as the "confirmation" of her choice that she is wholly confused about. Having said that, you cannot take all of the blame in this situation. My ex actually served as the impetus of my current instability, but refuses to recognize that and makes it all about her. Doesnt excuse my behavior, but it also doesnt mean she isnt without fault. So, be kinder to yourself about your actions. Stop them immediately, and stay strong, but also forgive yourself for being what you are: a human being, who has flaws and makes mistakes, just like everyone else. If there is one thing that I have learned in my series of relationships, especially with my current ex, its that "chances" are not something you can predict. My ex has told me many times in the past she'd never love me, or have feeligns for me, or dated someone else, and we ended up reconciling. I have done the same. At your age, things change and rework themselves. The sooner you accept that and are content with that, the better off you become, and your ex too. Maybe it does work out, but I dont think either of you should worry about that right now. She clearly is confused. And you are hurt. Stay out of each other's way right now. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: If you get back together before all wounds have healed, and you both have had time to improve, it will only be worse when the same thing happens again. Trust me, its what I am experiencing as I sit here and type this post. And simply because she might come back and say she is ready, and has figured things out, dont let her waltz back in. You need to be entirely over what has happened before you could ever try again. I dont mean forgiving of her, and willing to take her back. I mean entirely over it. LIke you could spend your life without her and be fine with that. Its time you worry about you, because dude, that is what this girl is doing. Saying she loves you and wants you to be her friend is her telling you that she sees some value in you, but not enough to commit to you like you are willing to commit to her, and while thats life and she has a right to feel that, you have a right to think thats really inequitable, to not want that, and to tell her no, you arent okay with that. She broke up with you man, you dont owe it to her to make it simple and easy for her to have exactly what she wants. Are you getting exactly what you want? NO. And does she care enough to cave in and give it to you? No, and no one would ever say that she would be obligated to do so. So then why are you? Basically, she is saying to you "I dont want to be with you, but if I ever decide that I want to, then you can have me back." You live your own life man, but I know that I am not willing to accept that for myself, and neither should you. Think of it like this: the one thing you can control is your own confidence. She likes that confidence, but its not there anymore. Dont bring the wrong kind of clarity to her confusion by devaluing yourself by crawling back. I have done that, and it has left me tattered. I am watching the woman I bought an engagement ring for be with a new guy immediately, two weeks after telling me she loved me more than anything and would never have a complete life without me in it. Its a lot to do with her, but I do regret not taking more time away from her and not just leaving her the heck alone. And one more thing: if she runs into another guy's arms anytime relatively soon, its most likely a rebound. And honestly, that probably bodes well for you for two reasons: (1) as a seemingly confident dude with options, you can say "forget this" and move on with some closure, at least for the time being; and (2) she will see what you have to offer. Even if it takes a while, they ALWAYS do man, unless its just TRULY not meant to be, in which case you end up finding someone better as well. One of two things happens here: (1) you reconcile and have a life together; (2) you meet the real woman you are meant to be with. While its hard to see this now, in either instance, you are coming out ahead. Don't hold yourself back. Edited June 7, 2011 by OhioLaw1987
Author bobby10287 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I am her first kiss, love, first basically everything, I'm not certain how that plays into her 'process,' but I know this can't be easy for her either as she invested everything into me, at least at one time. Our relationship was basically the envy of everyone around us up until a few months ago, it wasn't a fling, we truly deeply loved and cared for each other. Again, I don't know if this helps or hurts, but I know a lot our friends and family have been trying to talk to her about it, I haven't stopped them, They know that I love her, but they also think that I'm doing fine without her. I'm not sure what she's thinking or doing right now, but I know her Facebook activity has almost dropped off the map, going from posting several times a day to maybe one every other day. I'm not sure what this means, but I know the activity that's left has mostly been centered around me. My sister tells me she's trying to get my attention and that I shouldn't give in, I haven't completely, but i'm trying to give breadcrumbs, so for every 2 or 3 'likes' or 'comments' she's put on my page, I've only returned 1. I think this is the right thing to do in regards to social networking as it's kind of a push and pull of mixed signals tell her "maybe he's interested, or maybe he's just trying not to hurt my feelings." Should I be doing this?
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I understand you like to keep tabs, but sometimes you find out things you dont want to know, or misconstrue something. Just proceed with caution. It doesnt help you get over it and stronger, and therefore more likely to get that sought after second chance, if any growth is just a farce.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 It gives me hope though, and idk, sometimes I feel as confident as ever...but a few minutes later I'll feel absolutely horrible. This girl was a godsend for me and it just feels awful thinking I may lose her forever. I'll be okay if she leaves, but I honestly can't see myself ever finding somebody as wonderful as she's been. What hurts is that everything tells me she's 'the one' and all that's starting to fall apart.
OnizukaGTO Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 It gives me hope though, and idk, sometimes I feel as confident as ever...but a few minutes later I'll feel absolutely horrible. This girl was a godsend for me and it just feels awful thinking I may lose her forever. I'll be okay if she leaves, but I honestly can't see myself ever finding somebody as wonderful as she's been. What hurts is that everything tells me she's 'the one' and all that's starting to fall apart. Hi Bobby, I was so touched by your post that I created an account. I can say that I am in the same situation as you. I am turning 25 and been with my ex GF for 6.5 years till April this year. I went through the same things you did, both my ex and I were each others first and were crazy about each other and both our families loved each other, even though we've broken up, she still talks to my sisters and brothers as though they were hers. Like you, I don't want to lose her. I do try and continue my everyday life but find myself hurting and thinking about her. I would say to keep fighting but if the other person doesn't feel the same, we may be pushing them farther away. The thing that rings through my mind everyday, "You don't know what you have until you lose it." She still wants to be friends but I also find it hard to be friends. I re-initiated NC and its been over 2 weeks. I told all my friends not to tell her about me nor to tell me about her. I know she wont feel resentment because she still talks to my family and they let her know that I don't hate her. I hope your situation will turn and she comes back. You have your friends and family to back you up and try to set her mind straight. Keep doing what your doing, stay with your confidence and when she comes back, don't let her go.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Okay, not sure how to take this. So today she sent my Aunt a message over facebook saying she was coming over tomorrow afternoon to drop something off of mine and get a 'flash drive' she left over here. She hasn't contacted me about this as of now. She knows I work thursdays until about 3...so i may or may not be home. I'm not sure how to interpret this, what is she doing?
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 She is doing exactly what it appears: trying to avoid communications with you. Why? Who the heck knows, but it really doesnt matter. Listen, I am a sappy guy, and I have been screwed over by more girls than I would ever care to admit. But if there is one thing I have learned in that, its that while people are not always forthcoming about what they want, they are usually upfront, at least in actions, with what the they DO NOT want. Here, her actions are clear. That doesnt mean she doesnt care for you, or any of that. It might, but it might not. The fact is, you arent going to know. And any attempt you make to pry and find out simply violates the clear message she is sending about not contacting her. You need to do whats best for you, and its not up to her entirely to determine how things work here. But, do you truly want ot talk to someone who doesnt want to talk to you? I mean, think about for a minute: when you really dont want to talk to someone, doesnt it piss the heck out of you when they try to talk to you repeatedly? I know love can take you to the edge of crazy (I am very familiar with that region of my own psychological topography), but dont drive yourself mad over things you just arent going to know the answer to. I foudn out a bunch of stuff about my ex the last two days, and I desperately wanted to contact her. But I didnt. Because it does me no good. its time you act self-interested in a way that actually advances your interests, not in a way that advances what you think are you interests; namely, what advances your ability to heal vs. your ability to piss this girl off and just hurt you even more. Be strong. I know this is hard. I have steered the ship you are on right now many times before. Trust me when I say this: it will become easier. Eventually, you will just let go of it, and let things just happen. You are young. Go out, live your life. Drink a beer, buy a new record, go try something new, get a chicks number. Honestly, I am not an advocate of rebound relationships, but nothing puts a smile on your face like getting a phone number and knowing you just charmed a lady. You dont even have to call her. But youll feel like the man afterwards. And guess what, THAT is the guy your ex wants. Think it over my friend. Youre going to be okay man. My ex is basically a hooker who loves dudes with accents and took a big poo on my heart and pride, and I am doing all right. You will be too man. Promise you.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Well she came over today and we talked, she's a completely different person, 100% happy without me. I feel like killing myself...
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 If you really feel that way you need to contact the national suicide prevention hotline. There isn't much anyone can say right now, I know exactly how you feel, I was in your shoes not a month and a half ago. I called, and it started me on the road to getting my **** together. I know it feels this way right now, but you don't need her to be happy. You have to start focusing on you now, and taking care of yourself. She has no f*cking idea what she wants right now - the way things are this minute will not always be the way they will be. I hope you are ok.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Well I found out she cheated on me...so I'm not going to kill myself over such a worthless selfish person. Don't have to worry about that.
Author bobby10287 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Well, I ended up talking to her when she came over Thursday afternoon to get her "flash drive." We talked for about an hour, and actually got along pretty well while discussing trivial things. She then proceeded to the relationship and attempted to blame everything on me. Besides that, she turned a complete 180 to the sunday school teacher girl that I used to know. She professed that she didn't believe in God anymore, and she didn't believe in 'relationships.' She still said she wanted to be my friend, although she was acting a bit cold towards me, I said I'd think about it, but I doubt it'd ever work. Then she started to tell me that she didn't want to lose me because she thought we could still have a future together. I immediately got up and escorted her out the door, she was a bit shocked. She called later and I told her that I would not be friends with her, that if I wasn't good enough to be her boyfriend, then she wasn't good enough to be my friend. I told her that I was an incredible loving person that somebody will appreciate one day, whether far or soon, and if that wasn't her, then i was moving on. I told her to look deep in herself if see if the path she was headed down was truly where she wanted to go. We conversed for a few more minutes and she finally told me that there was somebody else, but she wouldn't tell me know. I of course already knew who it was, and 30 y/o married man with an infant child. I asked her if she had sex with him, and if so, when. She told me it happened the day after she asked for a break. I told her she was a horrible selfish person and that she was a shell of the beautiful person I once knew. She proceeded to tell me she 'didn't enjoy it' and 'regretted' immediately, I told her it didn't matter anymore, and that she was nothing to me. I hung up, called her parents and told her what she did. They didn't really say much, but she called a few minutes later telling me that she told them as well and that they still loved her. I told her of course they do, because they're obligated to do so. They love you because you're their daughter, not because of who you are. I hung up and started sending a few facebook messages to her family that I had grown close to. Mainly tell them that I loved them and enjoyed all the time I spent with them and I wouldn't take it back even for the pain it all ended in. She apparently didn't like that and had her 'new' boyfriend tell me he was going to "beat me up because he's been boxing since he was 4." It was kinda funny to me, but I just responded with "It is what it is. I have the right to say goodbye to the wonderful people she took from my life. I'm not going to 'fight' you, some things aren't worth fighting for, but I suppose not everyone else is enlightened." And it ended there.
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