crazycatlady Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I'm just curious.... What do you all consider to be a long term affair? Does it need to be emotional? Does it need to be physical? Is there a certain number of times the APs have to get together to be considered a long term affair instead of like reoccuring ONS? We toss around labels and such, and so I just wanted to know what everyone thought. CCL
bentnotbroken Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I'm just curious.... What do you all consider to be a long term affair? Does it need to be emotional? Does it need to be physical? Is there a certain number of times the APs have to get together to be considered a long term affair instead of like reoccuring ONS? We toss around labels and such, and so I just wanted to know what everyone thought. CCL Isn't a ONS, just that once? Anything that I don't know about for more than once, I would consider a long term. It doesn't matter whether it is emotional or physical. Mr. Messy had a long term affair with at least the last OW, both EA/PA. I would suspect(because if his lips are moving.....)the others were also long term.
SidLyon Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I'm just curious.... What do you all consider to be a long term affair? Does it need to be emotional? Does it need to be physical? Is there a certain number of times the APs have to get together to be considered a long term affair instead of like reoccuring ONS? We toss around labels and such, and so I just wanted to know what everyone thought. CCL I can't really specify a time over which an A would be long term. Maybe more than a few months (not sure)?? My fWH's A went on for several years and was both PA and EA, so as far as I'm concerned it was long term.
Author crazycatlady Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Isn't a ONS, just that once? Anything that I don't know about for more than once, I would consider a long term. It doesn't matter whether it is emotional or physical. Mr. Messy had a long term affair with at least the last OW, both EA/PA. I would suspect(because if his lips are moving.....)the others were also long term. I'm not sure I would call what a friend of my is doing as a long term A. Basically he has gotten together with a woman like three times in like four years, basically when he can't take the lack of sex at home any longer. But they have no emotional involvement and don't really have anything to do with each other other then the occasional hookup. So I would name that more reoccuring ONS rather then a ltr A. I don't approve and I tell him that, and I tell him I think he should divorce his wife - She has told me she uses sex as a weapon to keep him in line and doesn't like to have sex ... her attitude as enough that I stopped being friends with her because I found it rather vile...but money is the issue that keeps him there. I can't really specify a time over which an A would be long term. Maybe more than a few months (not sure)?? My fWH's A went on for several years and was both PA and EA, so as far as I'm concerned it was long term. Thanks. I can see how a few months could be considered long term, especially by the BW. More than a year I'd say. There's a change in your mind set when you realize you're in it for the long run. The first year you believe he will actually make a choice. Then, if you decide to stay, you have to somehow come to terms with the fact that the situation is ongoing for an unforeseeable future. I wonder if this is going to be supported by other OW.. I can also see why you would say that too. Thanks for the answers so far
Gentlegirl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 The affair I had was almost 3 years long. I read somwhere that statistics show anything over 1 year is considered to be a long term. Gentlegirl
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Do you know the friend's OW personally? Just curious.
Author crazycatlady Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Do you know the friend's OW personally? Just curious. I don't think I do. So maybe she does harbor feelings for him, that part I do not know.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I don't think I do. So maybe she does harbor feelings for him, that part I do not know. Yep, it's best not to make assumptions about her. Even though making assumptions is a natural human response. What do you all consider to be a long term affair? Around a year. Does it need to be emotional? Depends on what the participants are looking for... Does it need to be physical? Same as the above answer. Is there a certain number of times the APs have to get together to be considered a long term affair instead of like reoccuring ONS? "Recurring ONS"? That's an unusual term. IMO anything above 1 meeting puts their relationship in murky territory.Step back and watch the future train wreck.
BenThereDunThat Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 So....I have a high pain tolerance (no, really). Apparently I've been dealing with a broken finger for a couple of weeks now. What do I know, I thought it was just sprained.
BenThereDunThat Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Ooops....didn't mean to post the above in this thread. Sorry!
Silly_Girl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 9-12 months in my view, CCL. Because I think that during that time you've learned enough about each other, and the affair dynamic, to know if you want to stay, change the situation and consider a different type of relationship, or move on completely.
Hazyhead Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 For me, it was clear it was past the 'just for fun' stage at about four months. I remember that time to be pretty intense with the start of the break-ups and more serious conversations about consequences and feelings. Maybe it depends how much time is dedicated to developing the relationship. A partners who talk or meet every day are far more likely to meet the criteria (whatever that is!) of a long time affair soon before those who meet sporadically. In my opinion, the more physical and emotional, the more serious.
fascinated Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I think a recurring ONS would indicate that they might not even like or know each other at all. They might pretend not to know each other publically. FWB would mean there's a friendship outside the bedroom so being seen together in public wouldn't immediately raise red flags. As for the original question, I would think anything that could be counted in years rather than months would be considered a long term affair. I would think it would have some physical element of contact that makes it more than just friends, or at least an expressed desire for physical contact. Just my opinion.
Silly_Girl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) For me, it was clear it was past the 'just for fun' stage at about four months. I remember that time to be pretty intense with the start of the break-ups and more serious conversations about consequences and feelings. Yup. We had the 'is there seriously any future in this else we need to stop because this is pretty intense/special' discussion in month 5. Edited June 5, 2011 by Silly_Girl
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