cwmerk Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 So my girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. Said shes not happy right now and wants space to figure her life out. Im trying to get a second chance but when I try to talk to her she just says "Im just not ready to talk or hang out yet." I even asked last week if i could take her and her cousin out some night and she said she will think about it. She says shes not ready to talk or see me yet.. What does this all mean? I like to think of it as she just needs more time. She says she still loves me, and if there was no chance for me I would think she would just say it instead of saying just not yet. Any input?
WTRanger Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Take it at face value. She's not ready to talk. You don't need to dive any deeper into it than that. Stop trying to read between the lines or wonder if No means Yes. You don't need to analyze this any further. If you keep pushing and pressing, she'll really snap. You may have an outside chance at a second chance if you just give her lots of space and time. If you push, you'll effectively kill that chance as she won't reconcile with someone she perceives as needy and clingy. If you really care about her, you'll respect her wishes and let her do her own thing. If you don't care and only care about yourself, then keep pushing in on her. You must also prepare yourself during that time that this probably won't result in a second chance.
alphamale Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 What does this all mean? it means your relationship is basically over
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Take it at face value. She's not ready to talk. it means your relationship is basically over I'd agree....
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 She is still waiting to see if the new guy wants a commitment or not. Nail on the head....
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Nail on the head.... Why do you believe this to be the case?
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 It means that right now she cant even fathom the idea of talking to you. she has no idea what she wants but she knows what she doesnt want and that is to talk to you. she is emotionally exhausted. what usually ends up happening (and you wont like this) is that once she is gathered and collected you're history. as in she will finally just tell you its over forever leave me alone goodbye. she's not ready to cut off all ties with you right now cause she's unsure and most people are scared of getting rid of something before they have something else. so what you need to do is give her what she wants...leave her alone completely. dont say you re going to just do it. disappear. then she may either contact you (cause your absence will make her think hey i do want him) OR she will test you (lets see if he's still where i want him) and your job is then to...leave her alone STILL! yeah leave her alone anyway cause if they ask for time you give them time...and when they want to reconnect nope you give them more time...why cause they asked for it. now you're not gonna do any of this cause we always just do what our "heart" tells us but this is what you have to do if you want a second chance.
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 In my case (well my ex's case shall i say) it wasn't that he wanted to be with someone else...he just doesnt want to be with me AND he wants to option of being with someone else. and now..he probably is.
Fedor Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Dont people want to sometimes take breaks to party out or to concentrate on themselves.
Nohbody Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Have to agree with HB. My ex gave me every line in the book, but it was really another guy. Yay. So much for faith in people.
dangerstranger Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Like I said... They are with someone else or want to be with someone else. Otherwise, they would be with you. I've broken up with people in the past because I wasn't sure I wanted to be with them anymore. It didn't have anything to do with having someone else in my sights. However, I will admit that i have never gone back to someone after deciding to take a break. I was in a long term relationship and things weren't working out- so I decided we needed a break, but in doing so, I realized I didn't want to go back to him because we weren't right for one another. No other guy involved, just a loss of love. I started out wanting a break because we'd been together for a long time and I wanted to see if we'd miss one another or not. The break turned into a decision to leave the relationship for good. It doesn't automatically mean someone else is waiting on the wings for her. I in fact relished the idea of being alone for a while after the break up. I didn't date or see anyone else for a long time.
Art_Critic Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 It is also.. hey that guy over there looks hot.. I want to date him but I can't since I have a BF... Well.. I'll just tell my BF I need a break so I can date that guy.. It is also many other variants.. but it all means they want someone else...
dangerstranger Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) She is still waiting to see if the new guy wants a commitment or not. I never said there is someone always waiting in the wings. So unless you have swore off meeting, dating or hooking up forever... Is it save to say that you are going to be with someone else other than your Ex? Would he be foolish to think otherwise? You did insinuate that there has to be someone else as evident by your initial post. You made it sound like he was probably being cheated on. People do break up with you because they don't want to be with you anymore. Obviously that means they'll want to move forward and date again one day. The dumpee left behind will too. When I left my ex, I wasn't even thinking about the possibility of dating other people again. I left because I wanted to experience life on my own again without him. The bottom line isn't that it's not always about wanting to be free to date other people. Sometimes you break up with someone because you want to be free to get to know yourself again. To say that the person leaving wants someone else over you is just playing with words. Of course they are going to go on and date again one day, of course it makes sense that in leaving you they are aspiring to find a person and relationship that is more suited for them eventually. I just don't think that a guy that has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship, that is hurting, needs to have a bug planted in his ear that there is someone else his ex is seeking- regardless of whether or not people are clarifying the logistics that if it's not someone now, it will be in the future. That's not helpful to tell someone it's not "rocket science" to know they're being left for someone else regardless of the timing of it. He needs support, and logic is a part of it- but not the kind of logic you are offering. Edited June 5, 2011 by dangerstranger
Art_Critic Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I just don't think that a guy that has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship, that is hurting, needs to have a bug planted in his ear that there is someone else his ex is seeking- Ahh... he started a thread on the specifics of "What does it mean when she says "Im not ready to talk"" It has also been my experience that when a woman tells a man that she needs a break and wants SPACE that MOST LIKELY another guy is either being thought of or is in the wings.. What are we to do when it is our experience.. should we lie to the OP'r and not tell him the way we see it ?
carhill Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Many potentials. Thank you, dangerstranger, for adding a somewhat rare one (by LS standards) to the mix. I will remember that when I generalize that women are single for ten seconds or less. I consider your perspective a breath of fresh, rational thought, air. OP, the best person to describe meaning is the person uttering the words. We can guess. We can extrapolate from our own experiences and mine tend to align with the majority here. That in no way dictates or describes the thoughts of your partner. Her words and actions indicate she does not wish to interact with you at this time. If you see this as clear (I would), accept it. Clarify, accept, move on. That can be move on to other potentials, move on to reconciliation, move on to introspection and solitude, etc. Many paths. To get anywhere, you must put one foot in front of the other. Where will you be in another six weeks?
dangerstranger Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Ahh... he started a thread on the specifics of "What does it mean when she says "Im not ready to talk"" It has also been my experience that when a woman tells a man that she needs a break and wants SPACE that MOST LIKELY another guy is either being thought of or is in the wings.. What are we to do when it is our experience.. should we lie to the OP'r and not tell him the way we see it ? No, no need to lie about your own experiences. But maybe prudent to recognize that none of us experienced their relationship- so to tell someone it probably means they are being cheated on, is a skewed view of the situation (that we know barely anything about). It's possible, I'm not saying it can't be true without being in her shoes (none of us can). I too am offering what I experienced when breaking up with men from my past. I've never even had a glimmer of a thought of another man on my brain- I was leaving because it wasn't right for me. Then I usually go off and do my own thing, which never involves much to do with men for a long while. And to be honest, you didn't define your experience to shape your conclusion for the OP- and neither did homebrew. Maybe it would be helpful to do so? It might help him to hear some experiences. You just have to picture being left after 7 years, pour your heart out a little, then have some one line responses saying "it's someone else". It may or may not be the truth (none of us could possibly know)- It's surely something for him to consider, but maybe not focus on. All I am saying is that from my perspective, as a female- I've asked for a break because i was unsure about the relationship and wanted to have space to figure things out. My reason for saying I'm not ready to talk about it is usually because I'm not ready to talk about it- meaning I am still unsure and need more time. Never been another guy in the mix- just a cluster of feelings left to think about. I don't think people should suger coat things- but perhaps it would help him to hear similar stories about what others went through?
carhill Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Learned during my divorce: 'Hope for the best and prepare for the rest'
sinnister Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) I've broken up with people in the past because I wasn't sure I wanted to be with them anymore. It didn't have anything to do with having someone else in my sights. However, I will admit that i have never gone back to someone after deciding to take a break. I was in a long term relationship and things weren't working out- so I decided we needed a break, but in doing so, I realized I didn't want to go back to him because we weren't right for one another. No other guy involved, just a loss of love. I started out wanting a break because we'd been together for a long time and I wanted to see if we'd miss one another or not. The break turned into a decision to leave the relationship for good. It doesn't automatically mean someone else is waiting on the wings for her. I in fact relished the idea of being alone for a while after the break up. I didn't date or see anyone else for a long time. You sound like a really mentally, emotionally strong person. Many I've seen fell to the consensus. I've really never dated anyone what was alone more than a couple months after breakup. I was..I really needed to flush them out of my system b/f starting again (none ended like my last, some arguments, but usually very calm/respectful). Still, thanks for repping the strong. To the OP...even if you have to move on...be proud that your r/s lasted 7 years before being in a rut that was enough to have the r/s questioned. There's very few people with that depth, n since everything moves so fast n social media..unless you're rich n adored by many...your sell by date will be less n less lol. Giver her the space she asks for and don't be obvious in your pain..use this time to take care of yourself..even if it sucks that that dependable fix, having her near/to talk to...leaves such a vacuum. Edited June 5, 2011 by sinnister
sinnister Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 It means that right now she cant even fathom the idea of talking to you. she has no idea what she wants but she knows what she doesnt want and that is to talk to you. she is emotionally exhausted. what usually ends up happening (and you wont like this) is that once she is gathered and collected you're history. as in she will finally just tell you its over forever leave me alone goodbye. she's not ready to cut off all ties with you right now cause she's unsure and most people are scared of getting rid of something before they have something else. so what you need to do is give her what she wants...leave her alone completely. dont say you re going to just do it. disappear. then she may either contact you (cause your absence will make her think hey i do want him) OR she will test you (lets see if he's still where i want him) and your job is then to...leave her alone STILL! yeah leave her alone anyway cause if they ask for time you give them time...and when they want to reconnect nope you give them more time...why cause they asked for it. now you're not gonna do any of this cause we always just do what our "heart" tells us but this is what you have to do if you want a second chance. Damn where were u when I needed u, lol?
dangerstranger Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 As you wish... From my own personal experiences and those of my friends and family... The only successful reconciliations (and there are not many of those) that I know of where someone was dumped and the dumper still does not want to see or talk to them after a 6 week period... There was a long time (years) in-between the break up and the reconciliation. SPOILER ALERT TO OPer: In all cases, the dumper ended up dating someone else before the reconciliation. I agree many "breaks" don't end in reconciliation. Telling him the dumper is probably going to date quicker than he will isn't helping either. It's okay to be compassionate, I don't understand why people can't be a little more compassionate in life. OP- you've been through the ringer, you're searching for answers, you can't imagine life without the person you've spent the last 7 years with. Completely understandable, and I am sorry for what you are going through. When someone is in that mode, not knowing what they want, and putting you off- it's best to go no contact with them. Cut off all ties. Don't reach out to them, let them give you a chance to miss them. Treat the break like it's a break up and start processing it. I have to agree with others in saying that when someone gets the idea of wanting a break- they have already started the process of the break up. Often long before you got the heads up. Hanging on to hope is only going to mess you up.
sinnister Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I agree many "breaks" don't end in reconciliation. Telling him the dumper is probably going to date quicker than he will isn't helping either. It's okay to be compassionate, I don't understand why people can't be a little more compassionate in life. OP- you've been through the ringer, you're searching for answers, you can't imagine life without the person you've spent the last 7 years with. Completely understandable, and I am sorry for what you are going through. When someone is in that mode, not knowing what they want, and putting you off- it's best to go no contact with them. Cut off all ties. Don't reach out to them, let them give you a chance to miss them. Treat the break like it's a break up and start processing it. I have to agree with others in saying that when someone gets the idea of wanting a break- they have already started the process of the break up. Often long before you got the heads up. Hanging on to hope is only going to mess you up. People want to ACT like they're macho tough guys in the exact same fix as everyone else. Just b/c they want to sell their bandaids...you know..they have to get all the attention they can. We're all losers here, why can't people see that? The dumpee, no matter what rationalizations...lost. No one is better..we're all here to heal. Thanks for this danger..while some do want to make sure the posters don't dwell in self-pity...tact is sometimes the line btw that person's next prop being a book or a drink at a club getting on or a gun cause they feel worse than they came. I'd rather go for the drink.
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 yeah well my cureent ex said he isnt going to be serious with anyone and be single for a year but that doesnt mean he's not dating...he's out there dating, partying, figuring himself out but he surely isnt doing that alone. he's with girls!
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