zedd Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 So, here's my problem. I've known this girl for years now and I developed a crush on her. By that time I tried to make a move (2-3 years ago) she had a boyfriend and to be honest, I was in a long-term relationship myself. Once, we went to a bar and there was a kiss in the heat of the moment but she said we were both in committed realtionships so we shouldn't be doing this and I had to admit that she was right, so that was all (our relationships were both dying, though). Still, she was always on my mind at that time. After we both became single (months later) I tried to make another move but she was depressed because of her breakup, so that was it again. We had a drink, held hands for a while, I told her half-jokingly that I can only imagine being with her and she said let's just be friends, life is difficult enough for her right now. From then on, there was nothing between us, months later she kissed me on the lips once when I took her home by car. But I said okay, I won't put more effort in this, so I got interested in other girls, went partying had one-night stands and later got into a one and a half year relationship with an other girl, where I was madly in love, but the whole thing turned out to be destructive, so I dumped her in January. And that was when my old crush appeared again: she was single at that time, we started going to the same class in college, got closer and closer and we ended up as a couple. My problem is the following: I know I should be really happy now to finally be with the girl I wanted to be with for long, but the fact that she rejected me years ago and than had sex and tried to be in relationships with other guys bothers me. I did the same though and she knows the girls I screwed but she has no problems with it, saying we were not together then. I know I can't change the past and everything is going fine now (perfect, so to say) and we are having a great time, she's nice with me and everything but still - were these men better than me? Was I only plan B? She says those were different times and the thing that really counts is that we're together now. And that se had to mature, because talking about relationships and sex, she was pretty inexpereinced back then. Which is again true, so was I. Still, I have this feeling in my heart and stomach I can't really get rid of... when I imagine her with all these guys (I even know one, who is a douchebag). I know it was none of my business, but my pride is hurt. So what now? Maybe I am just overthinking this and being obsessive and jealous and stuff?
Lilmisus Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 It's easy to understand why you're so unsure about this - she had an opportunity to be with you before, but didn't take it, and instead went out with other guys instead. But the thing is, she's with you now. I think that that's what you really need to focus on here - not where she's been or who's she's been with, but only that she hasn't been with anyone since y'all became a couple. Though, I do have to point out, that if you have a sinking feeling in your gut that something isn't right, then you may want to act on that feeling. Fully evaluate it first though, since you don't want to throw out a good relationship over something so..petty. Here are some other ways to look at this though: 1. She really wasn't mature enough yet to be in another serious relationship back then, and she knew that that's what you'd be. A serious relationship..right after a messy one ended. 2. She may have felt guilty still about the kiss y'all shared while you both were still in other relationships, therefore, didn't want to get involved with you whenever that relationship actually ended. 3. She may not have really realized just yet how great of a guy you were. May have been looking for something else at the time. A bad boy? Short-term relationship guys? Someone with a certain trait? Regardless, she may have grown out of looking for that..and then looked again at you, and realized that you were what she really wants, after all. Don't consider yourself a plan b though. You're not. You're just the guy that she's chosen after all the rest, for one reason or another. You can drive yourself crazy and wonder "why?" and ask her "why?" a dozen or so more times, but it probably won't get you any where. It will only give you a headache and possibly ruin what could be a lasting, and great relationship. Don't ruin it over "why's?"
Author zedd Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Thank you for the reply! The thing that really bothers me though, is knowing two things, really: - She turned me down when she had this relationship, though I know she cheated on the guy earlier with the "douchebag" I also know (they had sex). I am not worried about the "once a cheater - always a cheater"-thing in this case 'cause I kinda understand her motives: she was young, the relationship she was in was dying (but the guy didn't let him go) and she and the douchebag had some "unfinished business": they had something between them earlier, even when she didn't know her boyfriend. I did stuff like that when I was young and in a dying relationship, but still, there's another one who was "better then me". And the worst thing was that this douchebag talked to me about his experiences with her, saying that she was OK but she got disappointed ****ing her and he doesn't like her at all, still, he would do her if he had drunk enough before. And he liked this guy, but didn't want me... They had sex again last fall, when the douchebag had a girlfriend, she said he was whining after that, saying what a douche he is that he did this - which is true. - And that's the problem with the other guys, too: she said they used her like a piece of meat when it came to sex, they were bad mouthed, told her to finish it off with her mouth 'cause they are tired and eventually said they don't want anything from her - and this is what makes me pissed off: she is a cute girl and I would have given her anything she wanted, still, she appeared only after these guys humiliated him then basically told her to **** off. And this makes me fell nauseous, really... But after all, I can't blame her, really: she was also just a "plan" for me at that time, it was not like I was waiting for her while she screwed other men - I was doing my own business, I was in love with another girl etc. Still, why does my heart feel bad?
rafallus Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Good old nice guy vs bad boy. Had you been more aggressive, you'd get some fun as well instead of being turned down. Now IMO you're her emotional tampon to hear about all the guys who ****ed her, with very little chance to get any action. No contact would be best IMO.
Author zedd Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Good old nice guy vs bad boy. Had you been more aggressive, you'd get some fun as well instead of being turned down. Now IMO you're her emotional tampon to hear about all the guys who ****ed her, with very little chance to get any action. No contact would be best IMO. She talked about this stuff only once. I don't know what you mean by "any action", we are a couple now and we have sex almost every time we meet.
Lilmisus Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Well you know, if you want, you can just view this as she wasn't sexually attracted to you before, whereas she wanted all the other guys more than you. I'm sure that's how you're probably viewing this right now..and that's what's driving you crazy. Thinking that they had something you didn't have..which is probably true. They were probably more tools than you were (are)..and sometimes, all a girl wants is a tool. Listen..she was messed up before..young, immature, and probably didn't really know what she wanted. Personally..I'd feel better if I knew that the person I was dating didn't say "yes" to every person that offered sex to them..even if the person they said "no" to was me once upon a time. If nothing else, at least it shows that she didn't get it on with every single guy..since you probably weren't the only one that she refused...for one reason or another. When it comes down to it though..she probably just didn't want to have sex with you back then, so what? She's having sex with you now, isn't she? Every single time that you me up together? It shows that she opened her eyes (and her heart..and legs ) to you, and that honestly should be the very most important thing for you to consider. The past is the past..stop worrying about it..it's driving you crazy, and it shouldn't be. Don't worry about why she said no to you before...just hope she doesn't say no to you anytime soon.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Why do you want this chick anyways? 1. She's got unworthy tendencies (she kissed you while in a relationship, uh...liable to cheat on you?) 2. She's been ****ing a bunch of other guys 3. She picks you up and puts you down like you're some kind of item, not a person. Take a moment to sit back and weigh in on if this woman is really worth the time, effort, money, and emotions you'll be investing into her. Peace.
Author zedd Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 I kissed her... the second time she said no. She was with 3 guys in these 3 years. She said no to a lot, that I know - when we got together finally, it also took me time to get her to sleep with me.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 You were not "plan B". She did not plan this. She thought she wanted other things that those other men had and she did not see in you. That is until you were in a relationship with someone else then she saw how good you were as a bf. She also had to consider that you have other options. All of that changed her mind. It's not that you were not as good as them, she could not see how good you really were. It was her problem for not realizing it. At least she did not have children by them.
Author zedd Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 You were not "plan B". She did not plan this. She thought she wanted other things that those other men had and she did not see in you. That is until you were in a relationship with someone else then she saw how good you were as a bf. She also had to consider that you have other options. All of that changed her mind. It's not that you were not as good as them, she could not see how good you really were. It was her problem for not realizing it. At least she did not have children by them. So what's your point?
Mrlonelyone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 That your g f was a bad judge of character and needed to date wrong guys to recognize the right one.
Author zedd Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 So... I just asked her about this last night. She said she was still in love with the guy she broke up with earlier and though she liked me, she didn't want to get into any relationship. Months later, they reunited with the guy for a shorter, second try - I saw them on the streets. I remember, I was with my girlfriend I dumped this January.
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