Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 No, I didn't mean stay friends, I just meant just going to more casual dating, like 1x a week or whatnot, rather than like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of thing. And I had to post this, it's probably a mute point now, but I was just wondering if this would be something else that would bother people or just me. I am really trying to change what I notice in people for future dates, as my track record hasn't been that good! But I don't want to overreact to things either: He shares an apartment with his brother, his brother's wife, and their 4-year old daughter. His brother/brother's wife/daughter stay in one bedroom and he stays in the other. They moved there about a month ago, and I guess his brother's bedroom is very cold for whatever reason, and the landlord is very slow to fix the problem. They asked him if he could switch bedrooms with them since they now have to sleep in the living room, and since many nights he's at my place anyway, after the child got sick from the room being so cold, and he said No. He said he pays rent just like they do and wants to stay in his room. That seemed selfish to me. I mean, I am not a kids person either, but I don't know if that would/should bother anyone else. I know I've heard you should look at the way the person you are dating treats other people, not just the way they treat you, and that bothered me but I don't know if that's just me being overly sensitive. Thanks everyone for the help in this!!
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 why do you want to date someone who effectively stole from you?
Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 why do you want to date someone who effectively stole from you? I don't know what you mean. I didn't give him the money for his car. If you mean the dinner he said he'd pay me back for, like I said it was to an inexpensive place (maybe like $10 per person), and I wouldn't really consider that stealing. I took note of it, obviously, but that alone wouldn't be a dealbreaker. Of course outright stealing from me WOULD be a dealbreaker.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I think you made the right choice. You can't "regress" a relationship back to "casual dating" from bf/gf. Even though he isn't your favorite person right now, I'm sure you have no desire to deliberately hurt him. Saying "We can just hang out on occasion" will send him mixed messages. As much as he may beg, contact you, or ask to see you, the kindest thing you, or any dumper can do when dealing with someone who doesn't want to be dumped, is to leave them completely alone. They'll read between every line, every communication you send otherwise. Tell him you're done, and not to contact you again, and then leave him alone. I know it's hard to give up the friendship-type aspects, but when you cut someone loose like this, you have accept the fact that you're going to miss and give up certain aspects, too.
thatone Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I don't know what you mean. I didn't give him the money for his car. If you mean the dinner he said he'd pay me back for, like I said it was to an inexpensive place (maybe like $10 per person), and I wouldn't really consider that stealing. I took note of it, obviously, but that alone wouldn't be a dealbreaker. Of course outright stealing from me WOULD be a dealbreaker. maybe it's just me, but when someone tells me they're gonna pay me back and then doesn't pay me back, that's just as good as stealing. especially considering he should at least be paying half of your dates anyways.
TheLawmaker Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I wouldn't say that it's a problem, unless it's a pattern. If he was a moocher, always mooching off other people and never paying for his own things, that would be one thing. But this is the worst recession we've seen in a while, and it's very clear that a lot of people are struggling. Perhaps your boyfriend is one of them?
phineas Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I would take the bus before I'd ask a person for $200 to fix my car. Perhaps he's above that. Yeah, i'm with you. However, I do have retired parents so I can always borrow a car for a few day to get mine fixed. I also do my own repairs. But, I have NEVER borrowed money form a GF before for anything. I'd rather go without.
thatone Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah, i'm with you. However, I do have retired parents so I can always borrow a car for a few day to get mine fixed. I also do my own repairs. But, I have NEVER borrowed money form a GF before for anything. I'd rather go without. agree completely. that's why you have credit cards. if you need 200 bucks til next month, you put it on a credit card and save up the money to pay it back when next months rolls around. so the fact that he can't raise 200 bucks without asking his girl for a loan doesn't bode well either, another red flag.
ZombieBarbie Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 He sounds like a moocher who needs to be kicked to the curb. On the other hand, if he was someone you had been with for a long time, and didn't have a habit of doing that kind of thing, loaning him money and paying for things isn't a bad thing to do for someone you love.
SxB Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hi all, This guy I have been dating for about 2 1/2 months called me last night and asked if he could borrow $200 to fix his car. I don't know if it's just me but I've never had a man I've been dating ask to borrow money and I found it weird to ask for that much especially when we've not been dating that long. We have had some other problems separately with his being insensitive and I have felt that he can be selfish. He can be sweet at other times though and does try to help me with things around the house, etc that I am doing. I have had a couple other red flags, one early on when he wanted to go out to eat, and when we got to the restaurant, he said he forgot his wallet, maybe it was in the car, but he would pay me back later. He didn't pay me back, and it wasn't even that expensive of a place, and he wanted to go to begin with. I asked later, "Did you find your wallet?" And he looked kind of guilty and said yes he did, but didn't pay me back. He could tell I was annoyed and hasn't done it since, but still. The other was, we met because he was doing some work on my place. Well after we started dating it took him a while to finish it since he started doing the work on the side. The value of the work was $150, which was supposed to include painting, which he still hasn't done. When he finished the drywall portion, just to call it a day I gave him the $150 cash in an envelope. He said I should keep it, he wasn't interested in the money and left it on the table. Well, the next day something came up that we had to pay $50 for. He just was acting like I would pay for this myself for whatever reason and when I brought it up, he took the envelope and said "Use this," and to add insult to injury I saw later he had also taken the other $100, when the day before he said he was not interested in the money. I also wanted to take a road trip to Chicago for Memorial Day weekend. He said he didn't want to go and brought up that he would have to have money. Then the next day he said he wanted to go, a friend told him it would probably be fun. I don't know why when his friend said it would be fun over my suggestion, suddenly money wasn't an issue. At that point I just said I made other plans. We both work, I work for a newspaper and don't make that much money, he works full time 5-6 days a week as a drywall/painting contractor. I also found it suspicious that he works so much and yet doesn't have $200 to fix his car, and that it all of a sudden needed to be fixed for a problem he was very vague in describing to me when we talked. Maybe the timing is just coincidental as well, and I don't want to seem finger pointing, but this is also the day after he saw me cut a check for $600 to some repair people for something that I had to have fixed at my house. I don't know, I guess another part of it is, I was raised to believe that a man should support a family. I don't at all want to be a gold-digger about things but I guess I would want someone that is AT LEAST equally qualified as I am to contribute to this, not asking me for money to fix his car or do this or that, when it's not like I am Mrs. Moneybags to begin with. Since he works each day I don't know if he is irresponsible with money, just doesn't want to pay, or what the problem is. Is this a stupid reason to break it off with someone? I have a history of dating people who are users/abusers so I just want an objective opinion. THANKS! If you have such a good connection with him then TALK to him about this issue. I see a lot of communication barriers in your relationship on both ends. You need to discuss this with him promphly, and get to the bottom of things. The reason your history is filled with past abusive relationships is probably because you were having beefs about power "trying to prove who's right, who's wrong", and it was filled with lack of communication and manipulations. Past bad relationships just don't "happen" because you're a victim, it's a choice. While you aren't in control of others you're certainly in control of your OWN actions. To stop all this none sense and game play just communicate openly and clearly with him, give it a shot, if he doesn't want to then that would be a pretty damn good reason to break up, but it's up to you what you want out of things in your relations with others.
Author good_vibes Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 If you have such a good connection with him then TALK to him about this issue. I see a lot of communication barriers in your relationship on both ends. You need to discuss this with him promphly, and get to the bottom of things. The reason your history is filled with past abusive relationships is probably because you were having beefs about power "trying to prove who's right, who's wrong", and it was filled with lack of communication and manipulations. Past bad relationships just don't "happen" because you're a victim, it's a choice. While you aren't in control of others you're certainly in control of your OWN actions. To stop all this none sense and game play just communicate openly and clearly with him, give it a shot, if he doesn't want to then that would be a pretty damn good reason to break up, but it's up to you what you want out of things in your relations with others. Thanks, but I don't consider myself a victim and I don't game play. And abusive relationships are not really about proving who is right and wrong, in addition to getting help I have also researched it and read several books on the issue (scholarly books). It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted. So I am trying to break old habits I learned in who to get involved with. People tend to be attracted to and stay with the same types of people, even though they may be wrong or bad for us. I wrote before in the thread I have tried to talk to him, it's not just the money thing there are other issues here, he seems to be somewhat selfish and irresponsible in other ways too. I don't know if that's something he can work on and change or if it will just get worse. I feel it's probably the latter, I think most people change temporarily and then revert back eventually. I hate to say that because I am trying to change the way that I go about dating and some things about my life too, LOL. He is younger than me and so I think some of this is level of maturity issues as well.
SxB Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 "Thanks, but I don't consider myself a victim and I don't game play" Well, the reason I mentioned the game play part is because there is either clear communication or being passive aggressive. And being passive aggressive causes people to manipulate, it's the only way they can get stuff done, and I call that game play. However, I missed the part where you said you already tried talking to him. "And abusive relationships are not really about proving who is right and wrong, in addition to getting help" So you don't think its a codependent power struggle caused by low self esteem and being consumed by anger? Alright, you got your views on it, I can respect that, and I know trying to tell you it's a power struggle is like trying to get you to believe me that I saw an 9 foot baby smoking opium, but read below.. "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." Ah, no ones a victim, remember? This is like a person blaming the fact they are locked up because they grew up in a bad neighborhood, wrong part of town, when in reality they are still there because they put themselves there. OR this is like a person blaming there happiness on there upbringing, but the truth really is even if we had the most perfect parents happiness would still be up to us. Things can leave a mark on us or make us think twice but not control us, we just at times have things to learn, and it's a slow learning process through it, but in no way do we still not do what we do intentionally by choice, unless you have no other choices. Sure we make mistakes, but that still doesn't mean we didn't choose something. It is our ultimate choices which control everything else, the minute we learn that is the minute we stop making ourselves a victim to anything. It is our ultimate choice to breath and not die, and to also remain alive, and everything in this World is a risk, we CHOOSE to take that risk the minute we say we want to remain alive. Harsh concept but I don't make those rules, I only discovered them. Just keep in mind part of nature is having the power of choice. Anyway, take my word for it I understand what you're saying but as long as freedom in the USA exist, I don't buy into the whole "I did it because that's how I grew up" "The devil made me do it" speech. "I wrote before in the thread I have tried to talk to him, it's not just the money thing there are other issues here, he seems to be somewhat selfish and irresponsible in other ways too. I don't know if that's something he can work on and change or if it will just get worse. I feel it's probably the latter, I think most people change temporarily and then revert back eventually." You have a few options.. 1. Find a way to cope with how some one is (this doesn't make you a doormat), 2. Discontinue association with that person. "I don't know, when I try to talk things out I am the queen of giving people another chance for whatever or explaining away things... which led to my last abusive relationship. I feel bad with all the "I'm sorry baby," "I really love you," "Won't happen again," and other things and end up giving in." This is the real problem right here. Communication is the brain, heart, and lungs of a relationship. If you could fix this then pretty much everything else will have it's answers. However, fix your communication for yourself so you can live more free, and solve problems in your Life. "I hate to say that because I am trying to change the way that I go about dating and some things about my life too, LOL." Well good luck, just remember it's best to change things when it's not only something you really want to be, but when you add things into your character. Then all that stuff adds up and builds a better "you". And of course always build whatever will make you most strongest, just make sure you don't turn yourself into one of those chicks who body builds like all Hell, has bigger muscles than a fat little dirt bike tire, can drink gasoline like water, and her nicknames "The Stinger". "He is younger than me and so I think some of this is level of maturity issues as well." He's still a big boy, I wouldn't blame stuff on his age.
Author good_vibes Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 "Thanks, but I don't consider myself a victim and I don't game play" Well, the reason I mentioned the game play part is because there is either clear communication or being passive aggressive. And being passive aggressive causes people to manipulate, it's the only way they can get stuff done, and I call that game play. However, I missed the part where you said you already tried talking to him. "And abusive relationships are not really about proving who is right and wrong, in addition to getting help" So you don't think its a codependent power struggle caused by low self esteem and being consumed by anger? Alright, you got your views on it, I can respect that, and I know trying to tell you it's a power struggle is like trying to get you to believe me that I saw an 9 foot baby smoking opium, but read below.. "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." Ah, no ones a victim, remember? This is like a person blaming the fact they are locked up because they grew up in a bad neighborhood, wrong part of town, when in reality they are still there because they put themselves there. OR this is like a person blaming there happiness on there upbringing, but the truth really is even if we had the most perfect parents happiness would still be up to us. Things can leave a mark on us or make us think twice but not control us, we just at times have things to learn, and it's a slow learning process through it, but in no way do we still not do what we do intentionally by choice, unless you have no other choices. Sure we make mistakes, but that still doesn't mean we didn't choose something. It is our ultimate choices which control everything else, the minute we learn that is the minute we stop making ourselves a victim to anything. It is our ultimate choice to breath and not die, and to also remain alive, and everything in this World is a risk, we CHOOSE to take that risk the minute we say we want to remain alive. Harsh concept but I don't make those rules, I only discovered them. Just keep in mind part of nature is having the power of choice. Anyway, take my word for it I understand what you're saying but as long as freedom in the USA exist, I don't buy into the whole "I did it because that's how I grew up" "The devil made me do it" speech. "I wrote before in the thread I have tried to talk to him, it's not just the money thing there are other issues here, he seems to be somewhat selfish and irresponsible in other ways too. I don't know if that's something he can work on and change or if it will just get worse. I feel it's probably the latter, I think most people change temporarily and then revert back eventually." You have a few options.. 1. Find a way to cope with how some one is (this doesn't make you a doormat), 2. Discontinue association with that person. "I don't know, when I try to talk things out I am the queen of giving people another chance for whatever or explaining away things... which led to my last abusive relationship. I feel bad with all the "I'm sorry baby," "I really love you," "Won't happen again," and other things and end up giving in." This is the real problem right here. Communication is the brain, heart, and lungs of a relationship. If you could fix this then pretty much everything else will have it's answers. However, fix your communication for yourself so you can live more free, and solve problems in your Life. "I hate to say that because I am trying to change the way that I go about dating and some things about my life too, LOL." Well good luck, just remember it's best to change things when it's not only something you really want to be, but when you add things into your character. Then all that stuff adds up and builds a better "you". And of course always build whatever will make you most strongest, just make sure you don't turn yourself into one of those chicks who body builds like all Hell, has bigger muscles than a fat little dirt bike tire, can drink gasoline like water, and her nicknames "The Stinger". "He is younger than me and so I think some of this is level of maturity issues as well." He's still a big boy, I wouldn't blame stuff on his age. Ok, for one: I do not have low self esteem. I don't think I'm some fat ugly stupid ogre who is not good enough for anyone. On the contrary, I know I am beautiful, intelligent, etc. I do not feel I deserve more than others, however I do not think I deserve less, either. I think as humans we are all equally deserving of good treatment from others. I am also not "angry" about anything, never mind "consumed with anger." Ha, that actually made me laugh. So no, I do not agree with you. Also, we're not in some sort of "power struggle" or whatever you depict where we are both sitting back and saying, "I'm right, you're wrong." He has some behaviors I don't know that I can live with, he says he wants to change, but I don't know that the behaviors can be changed. We aren't even arguing about anything. I am deciding if I will stay or if I will go. And for two: I don't understand where you say I am blaming anyone or anything. Saying where or how habits and patterns are learned is not the same as blaming anything. Maybe someone learned to drive a car in the UK and now they need to learn to drive on the opposite side of the road in the USA. Just because they say, "I don't know how to do this as I learned to drive abroad," doesn't mean they are blaming the UK for anything. They are not saying, "Oh @#$@#$ I will never now know how to drive anywhere else, I don't understand why, I blame the stupid UK for putting me here." And where do I sit back and say "woe is me, why is this happening to me, why doesn't god or someone help me out of my situation??" I DON'T. I simply came on here to ask observations from other people on the situation. Because while this relationship may have it's issues, it's by no means the worst, either, and that's why I asked for opinions. It's not like I am supporting someone without a job who is still living with his baby momma as a previous poster stated she was. I would not even go there. So NO I am not playing a victim and NO I do not blame. My parents may not have been the best when I was younger (but whose were perfect, really?) but I do not blame them, or anyone else, for anything - they did what they could with their own situation. We to this day have a good relationship and I still see them frequently and talk almost every day even though we do not live geographically close. "Consumed with anger"?? Haha, again that makes me laugh. Also nowhere do I say I am unhappy. I have a full time job in a field a lot of people would consider a dream job, I own two houses, a car, all of which are paid off, I have a master's degree and am an accomplished marathon runner. You say life is full of choices, well so do I, and I think my choices are reflected in my life so far. You don't have any idea what was the situation was in my life or what developed when I was in my last relationship, so in reality you really don't have a framework to judge or play therapist. Thanks for trying though.
SxB Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 "Ok, for one: I do not have low self esteem. I don't think I'm some fat ugly stupid ogre who is not good enough for anyone. On the contrary, I know I am beautiful, intelligent, etc. I do not feel I deserve more than others, however I do not think I deserve less, either. I think as humans we are all equally deserving of good treatment from others. I am also not "angry" about anything, never mind "consumed with anger." Ha, that actually made me laugh. So no, I do not agree with you." Look, I didn't say you had low self esteem or were angry anymore. I was talking about your past and your bad relationships, and I was telling you my opinion about that, we were in the middle of that type of discussion, regardless i'm going to speak my mind whether you like it or not. "Also, we're not in some sort of "power struggle" or whatever you depict where we are both sitting back and saying, "I'm right, you're wrong." He has some behaviors I don't know that I can live with, he says he wants to change, but I don't know that the behaviors can be changed. We aren't even arguing about anything. I am deciding if I will stay or if I will go." Again, I was talking about your past with the types of relationships you had. I was saying that I see the types of relationships you explained to me as a power struggle, but I didn't say you were like that anymore. But you know, we each have our own views of what some one is, no ones going to tell me "what to think", I have my own judgments of how I see people and things, and I was telling you mine. You were asking for help in your main post, so I pictured you with a more open mind without taking things too seriously, so I felt comfortable sharing my simple judgments of stuff you were discussing openly with everyone else. "And for two: I don't understand where you say I am blaming anyone or anything. Saying where or how habits and patterns are learned is not the same as blaming anything. Maybe someone learned to drive a car in the UK and now they need to learn to drive on the opposite side of the road in the USA. Just because they say, "I don't know how to do this as I learned to drive abroad," doesn't mean they are blaming the UK for anything. They are not saying, "Oh @#$@#$ I will never now know how to drive anywhere else, I don't understand why, I blame the stupid UK for putting me here."" "And where do I sit back and say "woe is me, why is this happening to me, why doesn't god or someone help me out of my situation??" I DON'T. I simply came on here to ask observations from other people on the situation. Because while this relationship may have it's issues, it's by no means the worst, either, and that's why I asked for opinions. It's not like I am supporting someone without a job who is still living with his baby momma as a previous poster stated she was. I would not even go there." "So NO I am not playing a victim and NO I do not blame. My parents may not have been the best when I was younger (but whose were perfect, really?) but I do not blame them, or anyone else, for anything - they did what they could with their own situation. We to this day have a good relationship and I still see them frequently and talk almost every day even though we do not live geographically close. "Consumed with anger"?? Haha, again that makes me laugh." ::Face palm:: I'm just going to cut to the chase, you said it had to do with the parents, you said this-- "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." "Also nowhere do I say I am unhappy. I have a full time job in a field a lot of people would consider a dream job, I own two houses, a car, all of which are paid off, I have a master's degree and am an accomplished marathon runner. You say life is full of choices, well so do I, and I think my choices are reflected in my life so far." Good for you, I didn't say you were unhappy. "You don't have any idea what was the situation was in my life or what developed when I was in my last relationship, so in reality you really don't have a framework to judge or play therapist." I can't stand therapist but don't forget to tell yours hi for me, and I am not trying to play anything, I don't play games. Part my last post was just disagreeing with you on this- "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." Just like you explained your opinions to me, I was explaining mine, I wasn't trying to get you to AGREE with me. When I explain my opinions back it's not to try and shove them at you, it's to let you know I stand my grounds. Otherwise, I don't argue with people, why? because it's lame, when each of us already have our own beliefs. I also can see this current issue is not a big deal for you, I didn't say that it was, and to me nothing is a big deal anyway, just so we get that clear. Anyway, just like you're basically telling me you weren't born yesterday, well NEITHER was I and I am a happy person too and I don't just go around nitpicking the Hell out of everyone. Well, I'm finished talking to you. We apparently just don't see eye to eye that be the real issue here at hand NOT about "who's right or who's wrong". But anyway trust me, if I was really trying to put you down and toss on you it wouldn't be anything CLOSE to what I said in my last post.
Author good_vibes Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 SxB, yes I said behaviors such as these can be learned from parents who had issues with alcohol, that is not the same as blaming them for anything. I do not say, or think, I had been involved in some bad relationships and it's all my parents fault. That would just be dumb. And I don't currently have a therapist to hail for you. And, yes, I posted this for opinions on my current relationship - the one I had provided some information about. Not really on my past dealings, those are in the past. Thanks.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Screw all you petty jerkwads that think a man's value is in PAYING FOR CRAP!!! The guy is clearly cashstrapped and stressed. As are most guys working in his industry. I've had women straight lie to me and rob me for THOUSANDS. I still have the balls to trust my GF with money if she needs help. I don't judge her for it... I understand her situation. Any woman who finds herself condemning her man for being in financial need is in my opinion... worthless crap! OP... I generally agree with your giving attitude. Focus on understanding his situation first... as you seem to be doing.
musemaj11 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Expecting money from someone you barely know is low class both for women and men.
SxB Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Lolol oh boy, you're really pushing your luck here. Now I said I was finished talking to you why are you still trying to nitpick and talk shi*t behind my back? I thought I let you know I let things go, was I not clear enough? did I stutter? "SxB, yes I said behaviors such as these can be learned from parents who had issues with alcohol, that is not the same as blaming them for anything. I do not say, or think, I had been involved in some bad relationships and it's all my parents fault. That would just be dumb." The reason I said what I said right from the get go was because of this- You mentioned the parents thing but yet parents have nothing to do with anything in this, if some one isn't a victim. And anyway you flat out said that's where patterns and adaptions come from, what I was saying is everything comes from YOU, making you no victim to ANYTHING. Either way you want to look at it you were using parents as an excuse for "something". And not to mention you disagreed when I said it was a power struggle, and replaced with the whole parent concept thing, you stated it loud and clear that it had to do with behaviors prodded on by parents instead. I wouldn't had mention the whole victim thing again if you hadn't responded mentioning anything about parents, you mention anything about it being the parents fault IN ANY WAY and that right does victimize some one, shouldn't include the parents part in there if you don't want to blame some one for anything AT ALL. I mean which is it? the parents fault or the persons fault? Pick one. If you include the parents then you are putting fault not just on yourself but some one else too because they become "included", no matter what way you want to look at it. DON'T MENTION THE PARENTS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE YOU'RE VICTIMIZING YOURSELF OR OTHERS, parent part is a crock of shi*t and has nothing to do with anything. And all those behaviors have nothing to do with anything either than YOURSELF, and that's what my point is, so keep parents talk out the conversation then. You include the parents and you're right away creating a new reason to some ones behavior, it's no longer just on you it's on the parents too, you're pointing a finger at something new. "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." The parents aren't to blame for behavioral patterns once the umbilical cord has been cut. And if the umbilical cord hasn't been cut then it means the person still views themselves as a victim. "And I don't currently have a therapist to hail for you." Good because I never asked for one, and if I don't ask then I don't care. "And, yes, I posted this for opinions on my current relationship - the one I had provided some information about. Not really on my past dealings, those are in the past." So what? i'm entitled to my own opinions, you asked for them. I'm not going to tell you what you ONLY want to hear. I am going to be straight forward and honest about what I think and not be a "tell people what they want to hear 'king'", but I know judging from what you said on the first page you aren't that way, so why would you understand that I am. "Thanks." Oh you're so very welcome.
Author good_vibes Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Lolol oh boy, you're really pushing your luck here. Now I said I was finished talking to you why are you still trying to nitpick and talk shi*t behind my back? I thought I let you know I let things go, was I not clear enough? did I stutter? "SxB, yes I said behaviors such as these can be learned from parents who had issues with alcohol, that is not the same as blaming them for anything. I do not say, or think, I had been involved in some bad relationships and it's all my parents fault. That would just be dumb." The reason I said what I said right from the get go was because of this- You mentioned the parents thing but yet parents have nothing to do with anything in this, if some one isn't a victim. And anyway you flat out said that's where patterns and adaptions come from, what I was saying is everything comes from YOU, making you no victim to ANYTHING. Either way you want to look at it you were using parents as an excuse for "something". And not to mention you disagreed when I said it was a power struggle, and replaced with the whole parent concept thing, you stated it loud and clear that it had to do with behaviors prodded on by parents instead. I wouldn't had mention the whole victim thing again if you hadn't responded mentioning anything about parents, you mention anything about it being the parents fault IN ANY WAY and that right does victimize some one, shouldn't include the parents part in there if you don't want to blame some one for anything AT ALL. I mean which is it? the parents fault or the persons fault? Pick one. If you include the parents then you are putting fault not just on yourself but some one else too because they become "included", no matter what way you want to look at it. DON'T MENTION THE PARENTS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE YOU'RE VICTIMIZING YOURSELF OR OTHERS, parent part is a crock of shi*t and has nothing to do with anything. And all those behaviors have nothing to do with anything either than YOURSELF, and that's what my point is, so keep parents talk out the conversation then. You include the parents and you're right away creating a new reason to some ones behavior, it's no longer just on you it's on the parents too, you're pointing a finger at something new. "It is common as in my case in people who grew up with a parent who had a problem with alcohol... and that's where patterns of behavior are learned and adapted." The parents aren't to blame for behavioral patterns once the umbilical cord has been cut. And if the umbilical cord hasn't been cut then it means the person still views themselves as a victim. "And I don't currently have a therapist to hail for you." Good because I never asked for one, and if I don't ask then I don't care. "And, yes, I posted this for opinions on my current relationship - the one I had provided some information about. Not really on my past dealings, those are in the past." So what? i'm entitled to my own opinions, you asked for them. I'm not going to tell you what you ONLY want to hear. I am going to be straight forward and honest about what I think and not be a "tell people what they want to hear 'king'", but I know judging from what you said on the first page you aren't that way, so why would you understand that I am. "Thanks." Oh you're so very welcome. SxB - Whatever, not even worth more of my time. Cheers -
SxB Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Why talk shi*t if you don't want to hear it back. "SxB - Whatever, not even worth more of my time. Cheers -" Gooood, because you aren't either.
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