good_vibes Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Hi all, This guy I have been dating for about 2 1/2 months called me last night and asked if he could borrow $200 to fix his car. I don't know if it's just me but I've never had a man I've been dating ask to borrow money and I found it weird to ask for that much especially when we've not been dating that long. We have had some other problems separately with his being insensitive and I have felt that he can be selfish. He can be sweet at other times though and does try to help me with things around the house, etc that I am doing. I have had a couple other red flags, one early on when he wanted to go out to eat, and when we got to the restaurant, he said he forgot his wallet, maybe it was in the car, but he would pay me back later. He didn't pay me back, and it wasn't even that expensive of a place, and he wanted to go to begin with. I asked later, "Did you find your wallet?" And he looked kind of guilty and said yes he did, but didn't pay me back. He could tell I was annoyed and hasn't done it since, but still. The other was, we met because he was doing some work on my place. Well after we started dating it took him a while to finish it since he started doing the work on the side. The value of the work was $150, which was supposed to include painting, which he still hasn't done. When he finished the drywall portion, just to call it a day I gave him the $150 cash in an envelope. He said I should keep it, he wasn't interested in the money and left it on the table. Well, the next day something came up that we had to pay $50 for. He just was acting like I would pay for this myself for whatever reason and when I brought it up, he took the envelope and said "Use this," and to add insult to injury I saw later he had also taken the other $100, when the day before he said he was not interested in the money. I also wanted to take a road trip to Chicago for Memorial Day weekend. He said he didn't want to go and brought up that he would have to have money. Then the next day he said he wanted to go, a friend told him it would probably be fun. I don't know why when his friend said it would be fun over my suggestion, suddenly money wasn't an issue. At that point I just said I made other plans. We both work, I work for a newspaper and don't make that much money, he works full time 5-6 days a week as a drywall/painting contractor. I also found it suspicious that he works so much and yet doesn't have $200 to fix his car, and that it all of a sudden needed to be fixed for a problem he was very vague in describing to me when we talked. Maybe the timing is just coincidental as well, and I don't want to seem finger pointing, but this is also the day after he saw me cut a check for $600 to some repair people for something that I had to have fixed at my house. I don't know, I guess another part of it is, I was raised to believe that a man should support a family. I don't at all want to be a gold-digger about things but I guess I would want someone that is AT LEAST equally qualified as I am to contribute to this, not asking me for money to fix his car or do this or that, when it's not like I am Mrs. Moneybags to begin with. Since he works each day I don't know if he is irresponsible with money, just doesn't want to pay, or what the problem is. Is this a stupid reason to break it off with someone? I have a history of dating people who are users/abusers so I just want an objective opinion. THANKS!
Arabella Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I don't think this is so much an issue of money but rather of feeling used. He seems to ask you for money or expect you to pay for things far more often than he should for how long you've been dating. I would just ditch this guy and move on. If you really like him, though, you could try having a conversation about expectations regarding money and see where you both stand. Arabella
Tony T Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 A lot of very find people are having serious money crunch problems right now. He may be one of them. One the one had I don't think you should judge him harshly because of that. Yes, he did take the extra hundred but the very finest human beings act weirdly when they are in a financial crunch. We are in the worst economy since the Great Depression right now. A lot of people who were doing quite well five years ago are living paycheck to paycheck and that's even difficult. Money is often at the root of relationship problems and that's so unfortunate. What I would do is sit this guy down and tell him what your concerns are. Don't fear that he may be embarrassed. Let him know that you totally understand. If you like this guy a lot, you'll want to smooth things over. If you don't, just cut him loose. The majority of people would rather run through downtown at the noon hour in their underwear than discuss their finances. Depending on how close you are, this is something you need to get out in the open. I'm very sure if he is otherwise a very good guy that once these hard economic times pass that his behavior towards money matters will change. Your job, if you really care about him, is to convince him that everything's OK now and that you can accept if he is struggling now. Some of the greatest people in the world can behave oddly when they are stressed out. Always remember that.
O'Malley Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) Even with the economic situation being what it currently is, you have every reason to be cautious about his behavior. Lack of fiscal responsibility aside, the casual attitude that he appears to have towards your income is troubling, regardless if you are any more affluent than he is. He wanted to go to a restaurant he obviously couldn't afford to pay for, he claims he forgot his wallet, he's broken promises to pay you back. He's either living beyond his means or he's behaving like a user. Most people would try to find additional employment or cut back on expenses, rather than to casually ask for a loan. Trust your instincts on this one. Edited June 4, 2011 by O'Malley
heartshaped Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Have you brought any of this up with him? Now a days it seems like talking to the person is the last resort. Do you know if he has any debt or any bills that might be affecting him financially? I'm also surprised that with the work he does you say he works 'full time'. Usually with contractors work ebbs and flows, at any rate, I'd at least talk over his financial situation with him [if he's in a bad financial situation I feel that's something you are entitled to know]. Then, I'd make decisions.
BobSacamento Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I would take the bus before I'd ask a person for $200 to fix my car. Perhaps he's above that.
Lucky_One Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 You have dated 2.5 months. How often does he pay when you go out, and how often do you pay?
Author good_vibes Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) I don't know, when I try to talk things out I am the queen of giving people another chance for whatever or explaining away things... which led to my last abusive relationship. I feel bad with all the "I'm sorry baby," "I really love you," "Won't happen again," and other things and end up giving in. I asked him about the money and said it seemed strange and he just said he didn't want me to pay, it was just to borrow the money and he would pay me back in a few days. After he saw it bothered me he said he would get the money from a friend and so it didn't matter really, and kind of blew it off. Ok, I wouldn't say officially full time but I know he has been working 5-6 days a week since we met a few months ago, some days last week he even worked double shifts. I know he must make more than $1 an hour so it still seems weird to me. So I don't know. I feel in some ways, this may be the straw that broke the camel's back. He has done other things separately that have hurt me because they were insensitive, from his offhanded comment that "I don't like brown eyes" - nice, I have brown eyes - to his saying he didn't like what I was wearing and thought I should change, the worst was his showing up drunk at my house when he knows I have a problem with people who drink to excess. Yes, he did apologize and no, it hasn't happened again, but still, I think there might just be too many issues that keep coming up here. I don't want to make it seem all bad. We do have fun when we go out and he does tell me he thinks I am beautiful etc all the time, he does try to help me with things around the house and always wants to spend a lot of time with me. He says he wants to have a future with me, but I hesitate due to these questions about his actions. I don't know if I'm being overly critical because I am just afraid of having a relationship like I've patterned before or if all of this is valid and I should just end it. Edited June 4, 2011 by good_vibes
bikinibeach Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 oh gosh, thanks for the lol. don't let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. about that trip he didn't want to go on because he "didn't have the money"....that was your cue to offer it and when you didn't, he tried to go back on his decision "oh a friends said blah blah blah...." maybe he's paying 3 rounds of child support? alimony? gambling problem...something's not adding up here, don't let him drag you down.
nothappyjan Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Ohhh the part i have the most problem with is his 'brown eyes' comment and the wanting you to change your outfit. When you add that to the money issues it is clear he doesnt respect you. I know its hard when you are in the situation to see it clearly but he sounds like he's only going to get worse if he's like this after only TWO months. It's not like its happened once, he's showing you his true behaviour and you don't like it or feel comfortable so get out before you are just too emotionally involved and putting up with crap forever.
How2Love Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 By reading what you wrote your situation isnt as bad as mine. but I always get all my friends saying Men should always pay. I have always been the girl that never had a man pay. I paid for everything. This is a problem with myself for letting guys take advantage and worse having control over my money. my "EX" (as of yesterday) didnt have a job or car and I supported him. He just had a baby and lived with his baby mama and was dating me. Player? YES! but I always ask myself also, I am not a gold digger and can handle my own but when is it right to support a man and when is it not? I realized my guy never really cared or loved and now that I am not in the picture he is calling me saying he misses me and loves me but is back with her.
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 how much you wanna bet he has a drug problem? i mean, you're spending your free time together so you see what he spends on his personal life. if he's not spending it on you he's spending it somewhere. and to be bluntly stereotypical, i've been around a lot of construction sites. coke/meth and paint/drywall crews sure do get along well together...
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Some of the greatest people in the world can behave oddly when they are stressed out. Always remember that. I like this, it's something we forget far too often.
Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Well, I talked to him about it and I "sort of" forgave him, as he told me his last job hadn't paid him in full yet, also as I asked him what he did Saturday, he was sort of dirty when he came over and he said he'd been mowing lawns all day Saturday with a friend. I figured if he was picking up lawn mowing too he was probably hurting for cash. Not that he was resolved of everything, but that we would see. Sunday he was over here after we went to the lake. I paid for things at the lake, but it was my idea to go, so I figured not a big deal. After, at my house he asked if I wanted to go with him to go pick up some tools from a friend at a place about 10 minutes away for his job tomorrow. I said no, as I had a cut on my leg I needed to tend to (not a big deal, but I needed to clean it up). He said OK, he'd be right back. An hour later he texted me that he was on his way, his friend was not there so he had to wait. About 25 minutes later I texted him back, saying just go home at this point, I was going to bed. He texted me back, no, he was coming. 15 minutes later I said just go to his place. Long pause. He texts me back, OK, then, I'll see you tomorrow, but I love you, and "I told everyone you're the girl I want to be with." Um, ok. He's going to pick up his tools from A FRIEND and from a place 10 minutes away, and almost two hours later he is still not back and he "tells everyone"?? Excuse me, but who is "everyone??" At this point, I think he's been drinking again and doesn't want me to know (or possibly with another woman, but I think he was kicking back a few), so I said to come over, I wanted to speak to him in person. Long pause. He said no, he is at home, about to take a shower, so can he come over tomorrow. I said no, now. He only lives like 10 min away. Long pause. He then texts me he is arguing with his brother about something and can't come over. I said, yeah right, more excuses. I said you went to get tools from one friend, and yet you "told everyone." He then said he has 6 or 7 friends "who live over there..." The last time he was with his friends on a Sunday he came to my place drunk and I was pissed off. He said he wasn't going to drink anymore. Um, yeah. I wasn't born yesterday. I said I know he is lying and I can't date someone who tells lies (I hate to accuse anyone of lying, but come on). Two hours for a place 10 minutes away? He said his friend wasn't there and he had to wait. I said yeah, you said that after the first hour. What then? That's a fail. I told him I was seeing other people, and that's all. He said, no, you're my girlfriend, I love you, I don't want you to see other people. I said how good for you, so what about what I want? Like someone responsible that respects me? I got of the phone. He's still in denial. Glad I didn't have to feel bad about leaving someone just on the basis of money...
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) if it was just drinking he would've told you. drinking doesn't drive people to take advantage of others for money. 6 or 7 people don't live together for a common drinking habit. it's drugs, bet on it. you can't help him out of that so you made the right choice. Edited June 6, 2011 by thatone
Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Well, the thing is we have also talked (argued) about his chronic lateness before. I have tried to be understanding because I can run late too, but if I do it, I am at most 5-10 min late. In his case it can be like 45 minutes to sometimes hours. I think he is irresponsible and/or as another poster mentioned, does not respect/value me, they would both go along with the never having money issue, too. The drugs thing is always possible but even if not, imo there are just too many issues here.
utterer of lies Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 You have realized what needs to be done. But are you going through with it? You seem hesitant, but it seems obvious to anyone reading this thread that you have to cut him off completely.
Fugu Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think you're having suspicions about him, and I think you should stop dating him. Either the suspicions about him or right, and you're right to end the relationship, or they're wrong, but you're still haunted by previous relationships, in which case, maybe it's too soon for you to trust people and to commit to anything.
vsmini Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Way too many red flags and really soon in the dating relationship. Get out now.
Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Yeah, I know, and it's one of my problems when I date people. I think I give too many "another chances." I swear I am the queen of feeling bad for people. I guess I just feel like everyone deserves another chance and I try to see the good parts of people and situations (I changed careers from a high paying technical one to a lowly paid journalist b/c I felt I could help society more!)... but I guess I tend to take things too far. Also, this is more minor and I know is lame, but it's hard to find decent people to date around where I live in my demographic. I'm 38, a marathon runner and pretty, but not interested in kids. At that age it's tough to find a guy who is not married, is active and fit, without kids already or doesn't want kids. I also live in a very conservative Midwest town that doesn't match my personality at all (I'm a west coast girl), but with the job market as it is, I'm probably here to stay for a while. So, sometimes I tell myself it's ok to still do stuff with him since it's not that serious and he's just someone to go out and do stuff with, but yeah I know I'd be better off going back to doing things by myself and trying to find someone better. You end up getting attached and then there's problems. The situation might sound obvious to some, but that's why I posted here, to get other people's opinions on the situation as I know historically I can see things in a skewed way. Thanks- Edited June 6, 2011 by good_vibes
SingVoice Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think its human nature to want to give someone more chances. When you care about someone...you always want to give them a chance to "make it right" because if you didn't...you'd always be left wondering "what if." I am definitely guilty of giving too many chances...but now I am at the point where eventually I look at the relationship...and can recognize when it isn't going to change...and I can't waste anymore time on the "chances." I think you made the right decision. This guy doesn't sound good for you.
Survivor12 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 "if it was just drinking he would've told you. drinking doesn't drive people to take advantage of others for money. 6 or 7 people don't live together for a common drinking habit. it's drugs, bet on it. you can't help him out of that so you made the right choice " I absolutely agree.
Author good_vibes Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 Now the texts have started. "I love you and I don't want you to leave me baby," 'I don't want to leave this, I love you more and more, beautiful... don't leave me, please" It just wears me down. Should I just reply with an, "It's over, stop texting me," and block his texts? I feel so cold in doing that but I don't know. I thought about just making an arrangement in which we still see each other on a reduced basis but date other people, if he is serious about trying to fix things. But on the other hand I think most people don't change and they inherently stay (or go back to being) the way they are. Maybe there have already been too many warning signs and I should just make a clean break and move on.
2sure Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 GoodVibes - For me, the money thing is not so much an issue and doesnt indicate anything except that: What he SAYS and What he DOES are entirely different things. He doesnt DO what he says he is going to. And OK, you find him sweet to some degree, but No, you cant stay friends with him. There is nothing worse than having to reject someone over and over again (unless of course it is to be rejected over and over).
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