joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Me and my ex girlfriend had been together for 4 years and never really argued we had a really good solid relationship where both of us loved eachother whole heartedly and there was never any question of cheating or jealousy or any major problems. She would say things to me like she wanted to marry me, have kids and even describe our future house. The only real arguement we ever had was that I wouldnt make enough effort to go out with her friends or include her with mine. She knew I didnt mean anything by it, its just that she is more socialable and im more quiet but in fairness I could have put in more effort in that regard. Anyway recently she said she wanted a break because she felt she was resenting me but the next week we were going back out and i started making more effort. however within the next couple of weeks I felt her slowly pulling away from me and then I got the text we need to talk. She said she thought we should break up and I dont understand why she would throw away or relationship over a small issue which couldnt be resolved. She then initiated no contact and said I dont think we should talk for a while Its goin to take some time for me to be ok with you? anyway 4 weeks in to no contact now but im close to breaking. Its like she just got bored and checked out? What you guys think and can i get her back
california15 Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 NC is terribly hard. I hate it this is not what I want to do and I feel like giving in everytime I check my empty phone. I'm only day 4 and everyday I want to quit. But I bet people who have been 4 weeks NC like you would tell a newbie like me, that its hard in the beginning but it get easier with time. And I bet people with 6 months NC or however long its been, would tell you that you'll have your good days and your bad days, and lately its more bad than good for you but thats normal. Point is, we're here to support each other, no matter where each of us are in our NC journey, and to support the people who are going through NC and hate it and want to break because they are curious their ex hasn't reached out. Even though you have more NC experience than me, I find it comforting we're all going through this together and can vent here for support. Why do you want to contact her? To see if she misses you? what if she says no or to leave her alone or if she doesn't reply at all? Those would hurt and you'd be back at Day 1 with an answer you didn't want. Just think of how far you've come with 4 weeks - thats awesome. Be proud of yourself. Try to find a reason NOT to break NC; part of whats keeping me from NC at this moment is because I know he is with her, and not getting a reply would hurt me too because he wants her now, wants her time and attention and texts and calls, not mine. Respect the request for space - you'd want the same if you asked it. Besides, dont you want someone to talk to you because they WANT to, not because you continue to try and make them talk to you. alos, Don't go to the source of pain for comfort from the pain. Hope your day gets better and it gets easier to resist the temptation. Im proud of you for 4 weeks NC - you'll regret it later if you caved during a weak moment. We're here for you
Winherback Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) You have done very well. Very well. 4 weeks without breaking is very hard to do. Don't ruin it now. If you have any hopes of getting her back you must be improving yourself everyday for YOU, not for her. You have to get your swagger back, the same swagger you had when you first met her. Find yourself, have respect for yourself, and be YOURSELF and have confidence in who you are. If you don't do this or are not there yet, and you do start talking again then she will eventually see right through it and you would be putting even more distance between you. They want a Man, a man who is in controll of his life and who doesn't need them to survive. I know its kind of cheesy, but think of James Bond. Hes a pimp, does HIS thing, and has the utmost confidence. Yet, he knows how to be romantic and treat women right when called for. But he and the women also know, that if they mess up he is in such a strong place that he wont put up with it. And if he has to will just go and find another....meaning he doesnt need her nor will he take her crap. Hes James Bond for crying outloud. And after you get there you will actually be entertaining the thought or pursuing other options at that point. And when you are at that point... THATS when she will magically come calling. Yall have been together for a long time so I have a feeling yall will cross paths eventually. And then thats when YOU can make the decision whether you want to give it another go or not after seeing things more clearly. But only if she is really truly and honestly wanting you like she wanted you the first time will another go be worth it. I wish I would have done this from the very beginning instead of always being the one trying take her back and always trying to conform to what I "thought" she was really saying and asking for. But it was always short lived and she saw right through it. It wont work unless she really WANTS you for who you really are at that point, not being what you think she wants. The friends thing is an excuse she threw out at you to layer over a deeper meaning. That crap shouldn't be what tears a couple apart. You work on those things together, committed through love and understanding. Edited June 4, 2011 by Winherback
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Wow what a brilliant answer thanks so much. Day 4 is very early, i was wreck then too but you will get stronger you do need to keep really busy though. To be honest even though its been a month for me its still very hard I still believe this girl is the love of my life but I cant believe she would do this to me especially after all the things she said to me and because we didnt have anything seriously wrong with our relationship. Maybe things got a bit stale and she wants to be single with her friends but in my eyes thats no a reason to throw away what we had. I still cant make sense of it and I know I have to stop trying to or ill drive myself crazy! but I cant. I think at the start of NC its total panic where as now im just trying to analyse everything all the time and make sense of it but its not going well. I guess the reason I want to initiate contact is because its been a month and i thought she would have made some contact by now at least. I feel like I know what went wrong with us but I dont want to force her to be with me either. I been reading alot of stuff since the break-up and have been trying to better myself and I want to fight for her and for us but I dont want to seem like im chasing either. At the very least I want closure because to me it seemed like she was confused she broke it off!
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 hey winherback thanks for the advice. Its weird you know everything you just said is what i've been reading. I need to get my confidencea nd swagger back and I know that and I agree the friends issue shouldn't be enough to break-up love. Its just strange how you can get into a comfort-zone in a relationship and almost lose your confidence. Its weird I know I love her, I know I want her back but to give myself the best chance of doing that I need to improve myself. I realise that acting desperate will not work thats just common sense, I need to be in a place where she is the one chasing me
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 JoeJoe, are you sure this break up stems from just the whole friends situation? Sounds like there is more to it. Resentment over hanging out with your friends shouldnt end a 4 year relationship! And what was the first break like? Who decided on 1 week, what was contact like, etc..?Pardon me for asking these questions but I would like to understand the situation better.
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Hey fedor. Well the first break she wanted and even though I wasn't happen I said fine if thats what you want but she wanted to keep in contact the same as me. We talked a couple of days later and had a big heart to heart and she said she loved me and wanted to make it work. Great news!!! then in the space of a month she broke if off. I'm just as confused as you are. I've gone through everything including cheating but to be honest Id doubt she do that to me thats just not her. Its like she just wanted a reason or excuse to be single and get away from me. She even said during the break she wanted us to remain faithful.
Winherback Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I thought I knew what went wrong as well. But if I tried to fix that, then it was just something else. Most of it along the lines of that not hanging out with my friends enough BS. So it then became even more confusing and it gave me even more insecurities always trying to figure things out and overthinking things too much. Does that sound familiar to when you gave more effort at all? When in the end for me it came down to that lost spark and the lack of desire she states. Which could have been prevented by me not trying to fix things so much.... and just being the MAN and taking control and saying look, I love you and want the world for us... But if you dont want this... then fine, I dont need this. James Bond. So don't beat yourself up with the logic approach too much, because it usually doesn't work that way with women. There was something deeper in your relationship that was missing for her when things got comfortable. The only thing you can do is become the MAN again and the ladies will naturally be attracted to you including her. And remember, this is a two way street. You have to take her off that pedistil. Ask yourself, whats wrong with her? Why did she choose to leave when things got a little sticky or just mondaine? Is she ready for something truly long term? No matter what the case may be, has 4 weeks been enough time for her to resolve her issues? Would getting back into a relationship with her now only lead yall down the same road? Does she miss you enough, love you enough, or want you bad enough to truly take you back for good? And it may take her getting to the point of thinking she may lose you forever for her to think this way. So if yall do cross paths, she will have to show YOU these things so you dont fall into a trap and get hurt all over again. Remember, she left you. She broke your trust in not being able to work these things through with commitment and understanding. YOU have all the power now whether you believe it or not.
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Hey fedor. Well the first break she wanted and even though I wasn't happen I said fine if thats what you want but she wanted to keep in contact the same as me. We talked a couple of days later and had a big heart to heart and she said she loved me and wanted to make it work. Great news!!! then in the space of a month she broke if off. I'm just as confused as you are. I've gone through everything including cheating but to be honest Id doubt she do that to me thats just not her. Its like she just wanted a reason or excuse to be single and get away from me. She even said during the break she wanted us to remain faithful. Sounds like she is just confused. Im in a similar situation with my ex. Been together over 2 years. It started with a "break" and ended with a break up. Could it be that she may want to see what she's been missing for those 4 years? From your thread, it sounds like your ex was dedicated to you. How could you tell she was becoming more distant? Was she hanging out with friends more? And was the intimacy still there?
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, well you know when you just from the way someone is acting that their distant.over 2 weeks she wasn't as happy to see me, wouldn't be her normal happy self on the phone, thinking of excuses not to see me. Its weird you know and ya your right she was commited, suppose all her friends being single didnt help either. She said she wasnt having fun with me and the most messed up thing she said to me was that she wished we were older and then there would be no problem. Now if thats doesn't scream bored I dont know what does. You may be onto something with that whole "im missing something else" by being with this guy. What are you doing about your situation
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Winherback, Thanks sounds like you know what your talking about! its weird its like you have to fight what your logical brain is telling you and do the opposite. All you want to do is talk to her and see her but in reality that will just drive her away. You actually have to almost cut her off completly. Have you had any experience of no contact working to bring someone back? its weird because when you get your confidence back you mightn't even want her even if she came crawling. and i know i have to take her down from the pedestal, its just hard when your that sure about someone you know!
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, well you know when you just from the way someone is acting that their distant.over 2 weeks she wasn't as happy to see me, wouldn't be her normal happy self on the phone, thinking of excuses not to see me. Its weird you know and ya your right she was commited, suppose all her friends being single didnt help either. She said she wasnt having fun with me and the most messed up thing she said to me was that she wished we were older and then there would be no problem. Now if thats doesn't scream bored I dont know what does. You may be onto something with that whole "im missing something else" by being with this guy. What are you doing about your situation I know how you feel. During our break, she told me that she would rather be together when we were alot older as well. That kind of hurt me. And well, I'm just giving her the space she wants at this point. We have been broken up for two weeks and she told me that she cant be with me 100% until she gets this "out of her system". I dont know what to think but man, I'm extremely hurt but contacting her is not the best thing to do unless she reaches out to me. Everyday, I want to pick up my phone but I know it wouldnt be right. Since its only been 2 weeks, I was going to give it a month and if she didnt contact me by then, then I'll probably concede that I lost her.
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, ok it sounds like were in exactly the same situation as eachother, im just 2 weeks ahead of you!, See this is the thing there is alot of conflicting info out there on no contact. Some say ya give it a month or a small bit longer and you they will come back to you, but if they dont you need to initiate contact but in a very confident and casual way nothing serious and build up from there very slowly. So thats what im trying to figure out I love this girl, im giving her space but if I want her back is too much space a bad thing? alot of people seem to say that the dumpee should never initiate contact but what about us we dont have any real closure just a load of rubbish. I realise that making contact could backfire but how you ever stop wanting to try if you dont have closure. Although I suppose her leaving is closure enough. I just dont get this whole thing, "I love you but im not happy" when you havn't done anything that bad wrong. If there is a problem lets work at it...seems simple to me anyway
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, ok it sounds like were in exactly the same situation as eachother, im just 2 weeks ahead of you!, See this is the thing there is alot of conflicting info out there on no contact. Some say ya give it a month or a small bit longer and you they will come back to you, but if they dont you need to initiate contact but in a very confident and casual way nothing serious and build up from there very slowly. So thats what im trying to figure out I love this girl, im giving her space but if I want her back is too much space a bad thing? alot of people seem to say that the dumpee should never initiate contact but what about us we dont have any real closure just a load of rubbish. I realise that making contact could backfire but how you ever stop wanting to try if you dont have closure. Although I suppose her leaving is closure enough. I just dont get this whole thing, "I love you but im not happy" when you havn't done anything that bad wrong. If there is a problem lets work at it...seems simple to me anyway I dont think the problems were having can be fixed by trying to work at it. There having issues with there feelings. We cant change that. I'm not going to make someone want to be with me anymore. Been there and done that with her. They need to fix whats wrong with them on there own. It pains me to say all this but its the truth. And bro, my ex broke NC the first few days begging me back and I didnt bite. I f'd up though a few days later and tried contacting her and got the whole out of my system thing. I hope both our exes find there way. If I was in your shoes, I would probably invite her out to lunch or something but that's me because after a month bro, this dog is checking out.
Author joejoe Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, your only 2 weeks in and you sound more composed and focused than me. I agree with everything you just said, I dont think that we can influence how they feel about us and in fairness why would we want too. You want someone to be with you because they want to be with you.Ya lunch or something but im still very confused about what to do if she makes no contact, I want closure but I also dont want to set myself back another month by making contact you know. ahhhh this **** isnt easy thats for sure! how can you walk away form someone who means that much to you and start again. I wish it didnt but the thought of her being with someone else makes me sick too.
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Fedor, your only 2 weeks in and you sound more composed and focused than me. I agree with everything you just said, I dont think that we can influence how they feel about us and in fairness why would we want too. You want someone to be with you because they want to be with you.Ya lunch or something but im still very confused about what to do if she makes no contact, I want closure but I also dont want to set myself back another month by making contact you know. ahhhh this **** isnt easy thats for sure! how can you walk away form someone who means that much to you and start again. I wish it didnt but the thought of her being with someone else makes me sick too. Thanks man but I'm far from composed. I actually feel pathetic because I'm sitting on this website discussing my relationship problems while she is out having a blast. Today, my friend called and told me he saw her at the mall, for some reason it felt like I got the wind knocked out of me when he told me that because I want to see her so bad. But through this process, I have definitely matured. And bro, you made it 4 weeks with NC. Thats awesome for the situation you are in. And like I said before, maybe invite her out to lunch just to talk and see where things stand. You know, it doesnt have to be anything serious. And if she doesnt respond to your request, then you have your answer anyway, right? Maybe give it another week or two and see what happends.
Author joejoe Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Fedor, you sumed it up, feeling like a loser trying to figure out what went wrong and talking about it on this thing while she is out partying!!!. It does help though everyone here seems to have some good advice, helps to talk about it I suppose. Ya will prob let it slide another week or so and see how im feelin then but I do need to see where I stand. As you said nothing serious just something casual like lunch or something. Thanks for the support and hope everything works out for you, whatever that involves
Fedor Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Thank you. I hope the best for you as well. Just remember, things always happen for a reason. For all we know, these breaks and break ups could prolong our relationships in the long run although we dont see it like that now. Be wise with your decision making but think from the heart.
DD1 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Hey I'm in a very similar situation (xept im a girl!), but it's been 3 months now for me, and stilll 100% NC. I think you should be GRATEFUL to your ex that she didn't initiate contact! Read other posts on this forum, so many people get their exes contacting them a few days or weeks later saying they're "confused", they miss you, but....they still can't be with you. OR even worse, they say they want to get back with you, and then a few weeks down the road leave you again, because the same problem resurfaced. Wouldn't you feel even worse after that? You're doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and trying to have fun. Keep doing that! I haven't spoken to my ex in 3 months or so, and I don't wanna talk to him until I'm 100% ABSOLUTELY over him and I'm not there yet. The reason for this is that if you're not 100% over them when you guys talk, she will sense it in a second, that ur trying to get back with her because in other words you can't live WITHOUT her and that's not very attractive. My advice is, don't call her for lunch, dont call or text or anything. Keep doing your thing, let her feel what life is really like without you. One month is not enough to realize that, or anything for that matter. I think for any couple to have a chance to get back together for good (not a few weeks just to break up again), you have to be apart long enough for both of you to get over it, and then IF you get to talking and flirting and wtv again, treat it as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one, since there was clearly something not right with the old one cos it's over... If it's only been a month, you're gonna go back to the same problem... I wish you the best, it gets much easier with time.
mezmrz Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Guys, as soon as no contact is established, its the end
fetish Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I thought I knew what went wrong as well. But if I tried to fix that, then it was just something else. Most of it along the lines of that not hanging out with my friends enough BS. So it then became even more confusing and it gave me even more insecurities always trying to figure things out and overthinking things too much. Does that sound familiar to when you gave more effort at all? When in the end for me it came down to that lost spark and the lack of desire she states. Which could have been prevented by me not trying to fix things so much.... and just being the MAN and taking control and saying look, I love you and want the world for us... But if you dont want this... then fine, I dont need this. James Bond. So don't beat yourself up with the logic approach too much, because it usually doesn't work that way with women. There was something deeper in your relationship that was missing for her when things got comfortable. The only thing you can do is become the MAN again and the ladies will naturally be attracted to you including her. And remember, this is a two way street. You have to take her off that pedistil. Ask yourself, whats wrong with her? Why did she choose to leave when things got a little sticky or just mondaine? Is she ready for something truly long term? No matter what the case may be, has 4 weeks been enough time for her to resolve her issues? Would getting back into a relationship with her now only lead yall down the same road? Does she miss you enough, love you enough, or want you bad enough to truly take you back for good? And it may take her getting to the point of thinking she may lose you forever for her to think this way. So if yall do cross paths, she will have to show YOU these things so you dont fall into a trap and get hurt all over again. Remember, she left you. She broke your trust in not being able to work these things through with commitment and understanding. YOU have all the power now whether you believe it or not. excellent post!
shook187 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Me and my ex girlfriend had been together for 4 years and never really argued we had a really good solid relationship where both of us loved eachother whole heartedly and there was never any question of cheating or jealousy or any major problems. She would say things to me like she wanted to marry me, have kids and even describe our future house. The only real arguement we ever had was that I wouldnt make enough effort to go out with her friends or include her with mine. She knew I didnt mean anything by it, its just that she is more socialable and im more quiet but in fairness I could have put in more effort in that regard. Anyway recently she said she wanted a break because she felt she was resenting me but the next week we were going back out and i started making more effort. however within the next couple of weeks I felt her slowly pulling away from me and then I got the text we need to talk. She said she thought we should break up and I dont understand why she would throw away or relationship over a small issue which couldnt be resolved. She then initiated no contact and said I dont think we should talk for a while Its goin to take some time for me to be ok with you? anyway 4 weeks in to no contact now but im close to breaking. Its like she just got bored and checked out? What you guys think and can i get her back If you read my thread, my situation is EXACTLY the same, i started making more effort, then they resent you. you gotta just hold strong man, it's easy to say, harder to do. keep reading this it's a quote from another member i found, i printed it and put it in my room. HELPS alot! QUOTING - I presume your ex is of a similar age to yourself? Sounds to me she got bored of the life you two shared - Intially the idea of settling down and being in a secure loving relationship sounds good, but after a while EVERYONE at that AGE will become bored with that philiosophy to life. The two sayings "You're only young once" and "You're a long time dead" spring to mind ... it sounds to me like your ex has realised these things ... she wants to have fun. Now this doesn't necessarily mean she's going to be sleeping around with every Tom, Dick and Harry, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's game over for you guys. It does however mean if you want a second chance of getting her back YOU'VE got to change. I'm almost certain, you are very different to the guy your ex first fell in love with, dare I say it ... a guy not half as exciting as the one she fell in love with. Although It will be the most difficult thing you've ever been through I believe if alongside strict NC and other changes to your life you will have a chance of getting this girl back ... DO NOT CHASE, DO NOT BEG, DO NOT CRY, just let the girl be. You WILL without doubt get very STRONG urges to some how make contact with her. These urges will however subside when your body releases seratonin - So work out - as much as your body will let you. CHANGE YOUR LIFE, move out of the flat - If you cant move redecorate, move around the furniture, do anything you can just to make it different. Buy new clothes, get a new haircut, go out with friends. Take up hobbies, not only will they take your mind of things but they will add a string to your bow. Now ... this isnt a short term plan nor is it full proof. It is however your best chance. It might take 3 months, 6 months, who knows. Just follow the NC rule as long as it takes - Don't worry about her forgetting about you - she won't - You not being in her world WILL make her think about you.
dreamscape123 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I like the part that said " you want them to contact you because they want to, not because you speaking to them that requires a responce.... I am currently going through the same thing, and it hurts so much... You want to know what they are doing, what they are thinking, and in my case , my mind starts playing tricks.... I was in 19 month relationship, my gf ( well ex ) first true love for her.... Everything was fine,in fact pefect, very close loving relationship... She is such a wonderful person and suddenly she ended it, and within a week is now seeing some other guy.... She goes away for work experience with her university course, and every other time she was away , all was fine.... but for some reason, not this time.... Just before she went away, she thought and is now convinced i cheated on her with a work friend, which i would never never do, but no matter what i say, she wont listen... and within a week starts seeing someone else... It is so hard, as i think... how can she do that after all that time together?? its so hard to come to terms with.... she has said not to contact her again... but its so hard not to.....The thought of her being with someone else makes me feel sick... doing the things that we had done... I was her first , and her first love, and we planned our total future together, and suddently this all happens...
dreamscape123 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Just been reading your posts again joejoe and Fedor. Man i feel for you, although by now you are much further through than me.... Before i joined this site ( earlier on today ) i emailed her telling her how i felt , but got a reply telling me she does not believe my lies and that she knows i cheated with this work friend ( even though i didnt) . Like i said before, she explained she had no interest in listening to it... Well it was only yesterday that i found out she is seeing some new guy... Well i dont mean to be judgmental, but she has just turned 18... this guy she has already just started seeing is late 40`s and its got to be a rebound thing.... I tried to tell her that in the email, but since have had no response... The though of them together makes me feel sick.. It should still be me... I am amazed and shocked she is falling for it, as she has such a good head on her shoulders, and was such a loving thoughtful and careing person..... I know breaking contact is so hard... I am only about 4 hours into it.... Its hard to see that its the right thing... I keep thinking " well she will just go off with this guy full time , develop real feelings for him , and thats me gone".. i just want to keep reminding her i am there and that i love her so much.... The other thing is... why would she just throw it away after a very loving 19 months or so together.... So i guess we are all kind of feeling the same way.... everything i look at or watch on tv reminds me of us together , and now some other guy is getting that from my girl.... i suppose it would help if i knew she was hurting about it all too, but its hard to see that she is, if she went off with a new guy after just a couple of weeks.... How are you guys getting on with things now... and trust me, i feel for you all.. its not a nice place to be... i feel very low....
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