breakup

[Nadine22]

I feel horrible about what I have allowed to occur in my life. I want to receive feedback and find my way back to healing. I've been in an on off relationship for the past 3 years. I was in a 1 year relationship with him when I was 24. I am now 39. We were very slow getting back together because I had come out of a bad relationship. He said he wanted a casual relationship because of work/school taking care of child etc. I said I didn't want casual sexual relationship because that's not the kind of thing I feel comfortable in. He understood we proceeded with him saying we will be exclusive and it won't be just casual sex etc. Long story short - I broke up with him 2 many times to count in the 3 years because things never seemed to progress. I am very independant and somewhat committment phobic in that it takes a long time for me to let someone in my life. However, I am very sensitive...over the past 3 years I have never met his daughter...been to where he lives...he lives an hour away from me. I have never spent the holidays with him. I feel so terrible inside. this past year he said he was working on giving me the relationship that I wanted. He was going to move to a new place because he was sharing a place with a roomate. I could spend time with his daughter and spend every occasion etc...he indicated that his ex (mother of his child) was using the child and he only has the girl 2 days a week. I think the ex has been part of the problem in that he was afraid to have upheavel if he brought another woman in the picture. long story short...of course he failed his realestate exam...everything he was counting on to create a seperate life where he was in a better position to offer something. I feel like a fool...everyone told me to leave. I believed in him...I believed he wanted to be with me. Now I think...how could he even have cared if he didn't ever include me in anything. I'm so stupid. Before I went on a trip to Bali recently he said he was working on trying to give me what I wanted in a relationship. I came back and now he says he can't be in a serious relationship that we are on 2 differant paths. He said he has to take his real estate exam over again/is living at his sister has not moved yet...is working fulltime and that now our paths are going in 2 differant dirrections. And thats where it is...we obviously aren't together. How could I believe..How could I have settled for so little...what is wrong with me. Why couldn't he just find someone else to string along...he new that was not the kind of person I was. Please help me get through this...please I am open to advice and understanding. thank you. I am hurting and I feel so bad about what I have allowed to happen.

 

PS: Ive become to attatched to him that I almost was willing to try to keep him in my life even after all of this. I wanted to be friends...he says he cannot because he likes me more then a friend. I could just be friends with him because If I'm not sleeping with him I would be ok. I also believe that if a person does not love you - you must accept this. In the end I told him that a casual sexual relationship would only hurt me and being alone for every occasion would only hurt me so that I loved him but that I had to push through my own fears - and deal with my own fear about intimacy.

Edited June 4, 2011 by Nadine22
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