" If you belong together, nothing will keep you apart. You need to believe that."

[Karala]

This is something I just read from this board and that resonated with me so strongly.

 

I thought if would be helpful for any of you in the same situation as me, that is, believing deep in your soul that your ex and you are meant to be.

 

If you really believe that, then keep in mind - all that you've tried for now to keep you two together, just hasn't worked. How long have you been trying? If you're like me, you've been trying to make it work for months or even years.

 

Clearly, what you're doing isn't working, otherwise you wouldn't be broken up now.

If what it takes for the both of you to get there is to accept the one last resort option - No Contact - even if that means staying apart from them for a few months or even years, do you love them enough to do it?

Or would you rather ruin your chances of ever getting back together with them, by clinging to them and making them decide you're too weak and desperate for them to ever considering getting back with you?

 

Once again, I hope I'm not sounding patronizing and I'm really only preaching at myself here - just a few days ago I was writing on this board about how I didn't know how I would ever be able to handle the pain of not being in contact with my ex.

But now that I've started NC at last I can feel already how much better off I am - and how I've saved any chances of reconciliation I might still have.

 

I've accepted that the relationship is over for now, and before it's ever to be again, if that's ever an option, I need to work on myself so much before I can make it work.

And it's gonna take time.

So NC is good. However long it lasts, that's time during which I will be improving myself. The longer it lasts, the better chances I will have with him next time around.

 

Really hope this realization can help other people as much as it's helping me.

[Nohbody]

I can't shake the belief that she'll come back eventually. I don't know if I'm just playing the odds that what she's doing now won't work out, or if it's wishful thinking, or a little of both... but recently I've really started to question whether I want her to or not. Ah. Letting go.

[vsmini]

" If you belong together, nothing will keep you apart. You need to believe that."

 

Then why did you guys break up? Obviously the partner didn't feel that you belonged together? These questions are aimed at the people saying this phrase over and over in their heads - not to the OP or other posters here.

 

I've seen people say this where they are basically stalking their ex and their ex was forced to go No Contact on them. And....what higher power says that a certain two people "belong together"?

 

Wouldn't that statement be completely shot out of the sky the second one is breaking up with you?

 

Believe me - after my last break up - I've been there...denial all around when it came to how I viewed myself getting dumped. Glad I cleared my head relatively quickly though - Some people keep this going on for far too long - just as you were saying.

[RuinedLife]

I don't know what to believe anymore to be honest.

 

But I do want so desperately to believe that he will realize how much he loves me and will come back to me, but it seems less and less likely everyday.

 

I feel he views me in a completely different light after how I acted at the end of the relationship, in a loveless light.

 

Also my family are so angry at my ex for going so cold on me and not coming to talk to me in person, I doubt they would ever want me to have him back in my life, and even I would be cautious , but if he said he wanted to give things another go today, if he told me he still loved me today, then I would honestly do almost anything to try and make it work with him. Because I love him so much.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

I'm not sure what to say here I see what the point is...that its not in you control..but at some point someone (you or the ex) would have to decide to initiate or lets say re-initiate something and then the other person decides to correspond...so the question is when is that?

 

My ex has already asked for a line of communication and I was told STAY NC...so then when is the right time...after you have worked on yourself and healed...so we are to ignore this other person until we have healed...it's kinda weird.

 

i get it though cause the last thing you want to give someone who feels as though they lost everything is something broken. if we were to get back together now...it would still be broken. I have changed a lot...but have more to do and he, well i have no idea. but what I do know is that he isn't ready or willing to give me and only me another chance yet.

[Fedor]

If you do belong together, break ups and breaks arent necessary. Simple as that. Hence, why nothing will keep you apart. So, I dont know how a break up would validate that statement?

[Karala]

" If you belong together, nothing will keep you apart. You need to believe that."

 

Then why did you guys break up? Obviously the partner didn't feel that you belonged together? These questions are aimed at the people saying this phrase over and over in their heads - not to the OP or other posters here.

 

I've seen people say this where they are basically stalking their ex and their ex was forced to go No Contact on them. And....what higher power says that a certain two people "belong together"?

 

Wouldn't that statement be completely shot out of the sky the second one is breaking up with you?

 

Believe me - after my last break up - I've been there...denial all around when it came to how I viewed myself getting dumped. Glad I cleared my head relatively quickly though - Some people keep this going on for far too long - just as you were saying.

 

My situation is weird and I know I'm not making much sense... The thing is, for the whole time my ex and I have been together, I had this nagging feeling inside of me that the situation wasn't right and we would be better off apart, and at the same time, I really believed he was my soulmate and we could be very happy someday. The casting was right, but not the timing, or something to that effect.

 

I don't know if it's just pride or whatever, but I feel like making it clear that the breakup wasn't a unilateral decision. When we were on this weird break 3 months ago, I was even the one who sent him a message after 3 weeks of silence telling him "ok you're right, let's break up". Of course, I was hoping he would reply "no let's talk it out some more" and he didn't, but still. I never begged him, I accepted that if he was not willing to go on, there was no forcing him.

Like deep in my heart I knew maybe he was right.

I sure didn't want us to breakup because it hurt so much, and I would have been willing to try again, but at the same time I know it would probably have been a mistake and that things are better off this way. (I told you I wasn't making much sense lol)

 

I still think we could be happy together, but probably not before a long time.

I use the terms "soulmates" and "belonging together" but it's not like I believe anything is fixed or pre-determined, all that means to me is the idea that he and I could have a life-long happy relationship. I do not believe in some esoterical force that says we are "meant to be" or anything. I'm aware that he's not the only person in the world with whom I could ever be in a happy relationship though. I just don't feel like looking for someone else, since we are so compatible on so many levels.

 

I know what you're thinking -if you had so many problems in your relationship then they were not your soulmate or anyone you were so compatible with or could ever be happy with!

 

The thing is I feel I have so many issues to work on, and so much sorting out to do with my life, that I feel I couldn't be happy with anyone for the moment. (Believe me. I have issues. lol)

And my ex says the exact same thing. That he needs to find out who is is, and that being in a relationship is hindering him from focusing on himself and growing.

 

That's why I say, ok, it's better for us to be apart, and now we'll have a chance to work on ourselves.

And if it's true that the relationship had potential, we will find each other again someday.

 

But maybe I'm just in deep denial, lol. I guess I wouldn't recognize it if I were ^^

Nevermind, I guess, the important thing is I've accepted the breakup at last and started NC, and am more resolute than ever to work on myself.

[RuinedLife]

My situation is weird and I know I'm not making much sense... The thing is, for the whole time my ex and I have been together, I had this nagging feeling inside of me that the situation wasn't right and we would be better off apart, and at the same time, I really believed he was my soulmate and we could be very happy someday. The casting was right, but not the timing, or something to that effect.

 

I don't know if it's just pride or whatever, but I feel like making it clear that the breakup wasn't a unilateral decision. When we were on this weird break 3 months ago, I was even the one who sent him a message after 3 weeks of silence telling him "ok you're right, let's break up". Of course, I was hoping he would reply "no let's talk it out some more" and he didn't, but still.

 

I feel almost the same about my break up. However, the difference being that I caused my break up and I didn't want it to happen.

 

Me and my ex are compatible on so many levels too and I'm also lazy in that way I guess, because I can't imagine starting again with anyone else and I can't imagine anyone else being as compatible on so many levels as me and my ex were.

[RuinedLife]

I think what homebrew said in another thread has significance here too-

 

"There is nothing to be gained by pleading and begging with them. Let who you are and the relationship speak for itself!

 

If in the end, if they want a relationship with you... Their actions will be consistent with what they are saying, they will resolve their "issues", remove any obstacles that are in the way and they will pursue you like they did once before. (a.k.a. If they want to be with you, they will!)"

 

- homebrew

[Karala]

..but at some point someone (you or the ex) would have to decide to initiate or lets say re-initiate something and then the other person decides to correspond...so the question is when is that?

 

My ex has already asked for a line of communication and I was told STAY NC...so then when is the right time...after you have worked on yourself and healed...so we are to ignore this other person until we have healed...it's kinda weird.

 

I felt this way exactly when we first broke up three months ago and I read all of these books on how to get your ex back. They all said: you will be ready to get back with him, the moment you're over him and you won't need him back so much. I just thought WTF, the whole point of trying to get him back is because I'm not over him, and if I were, I wouldn't feel the need to have him back, so there would be no point, right?

 

It made no sense to me but it makes perfect sense now, and if I can make it clearer to you and help you get it faster than it took me, maybe it would save you some of the pain and confusion I had to go through...

 

The thing is, trying to get them back when you still hurt like hell and think you can't live without them, means 1 You're acting from neediness and desperation, which ensures you can't have a healthy relationship with them, 2 You haven't allowed time to heal from the failed relationship and just want to get back to that old relationship.

And trying to get back to the old relationship just means having the same problems sooner or later and breaking up again someday, only more invested and more painfully.

 

You can't go back to the old relationship, you don't want to. It was flawed. It broke down.

You have (I have, we have...) to get over it, heal from it and then assess if it's worth trying again and create a new relationship with this same person.

 

The answer to "how to know when you're ready" is... probably much later then any of us would like to think.

The answer is, when we are over them and don't need them so much. Only then do we stand a chance to "succeed", and only then does the new relationship stand a chance to be successful.

 

When I was applying those stupid get your ex back strategies, I wanted to believe that I was ready to make contact again, when actually, it's a joke how much I really wasn't.

They all tell you that going about a month of NC is a good estimate of how long it should take you before you're ready to ring them up, invite them for coffe and start the reconnection process. Unless we're talking about a 2 months romance between teenagers, I think this is really a joke. (no offense teenagers lol)

 

For me, it's gonna take me months and months. Maybe a couple of years. Maybe I will have changed my mind then and I won't be interested in getting back with him anymore, and that's okay.

For instance, I know I'm gonna need to make myself financially independant for real this time (yes I still have issues with this at age 30... told you I had issues lol), before I can ever approach getting into a relationship back with him or anyone else.

I know I will need to generally feel a lot better about myself, a lot more independant and self-confident.

 

..but at some point someone (you or the ex) would have to decide to initiate or lets say re-initiate something and then the other person decides to correspond...

 

I'm sure that when the time is right, the issue of who contacts who won't even be relevant anymore, because the issues of feeling insecure and being afraid to appear like the weak and needy one, won't even be issues anymore, because you will have evolved past that.

 

I don't know about your situation, but for me and my ex, we made it clear that we will be in contact again someday and there's no question of losing each other for good, we love each other so much, not only on a romantic level, but there's just this deep uncondional love between us, that dates back to even before we were a couple, when we were friends for months before that. We just know we need time to move on from each other and our failed relationship. We said we'd give it a year but who knows exactly how long it'll take, maybe less, maybe longer.

[Karala]

I think what homebrew said in another thread has significance here too-

 

"There is nothing to be gained by pleading and begging with them. Let who you are and the relationship speak for itself!

 

If in the end, if they want a relationship with you... Their actions will be consistent with what they are saying, they will resolve their "issues", remove any obstacles that are in the way and they will pursue you like they did once before. (a.k.a. If they want to be with you, they will!)"

 

- homebrew

 

Yeah. Dead on :]

 

I'm so glad that I much as I wanted to be with him, I never begged or pleaded. Not that I didn't feel like it on some level, lol. But thankfully I just knew it was a bad and totally useless thing to do.

[RuinedLife]

I'm sure that when the time is right, the issue of who contacts who won't even be relevant anymore, because the issues of feeling insecure and being afraid to appear like the weak and needy one, won't even be issues anymore, because you will have evolved past that.

 

I suppose by the time you have evolved past the neediness and you try to get back in contact with your ex and it turns out that they have moved on, are with someone else or plain just don't ever want you back then it will hurt you less so I can understand that logic.

 

But some people even after work may still be fundamentally dependent people I think. I feel like one of those people right now anyway. Maybe thats because the path to independence for me seems like an almost impossible to travel path.

[RuinedLife]

Yeah. Dead on :]

 

I'm so glad that I much as I wanted to be with him, I never begged or pleaded. Not that I didn't feel like it on some level, lol. But thankfully I just knew it was a bad and totally useless thing to do.

 

Yes I wish I hadn't told my ex how heartbroken I was and how much I still loved him and needed him etc. Was a big mistake on my part, but just one of many I made. And at the time, I really felt that way so it was total honesty on my part.

[vsmini]

Karala - what you say does make sense. I hope you find happiness soon.