Kodo Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 So I've been out to a few places a couple of times. Nice pubs I'd normally have gone too (preferably with the ex). But I find myself... very reserved. Sure there are plenty of girls there, got a few stares and smiles... but I just find no desire to follow it. I don't feel any better or more confident because of it. In addition, I see specific qualities of my ex in each of them, but none that comprise the whole. Then I wonder why I'm even thinking like this. I feel defeated. I feel like I'm in some sort of social limbo!? I went out because I don't want to be home on a Saturday night... but when I get out I feel withdrawn? How do you personally deal with that?
california15 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 don't be so hard on yourself! I think you should give yourself credit for leaving your house and going out. Some people are not there yet. Baby steps!!! Take your time. First you get ready and go out. Next step you might not be so withdrawn (are you going alone or with friends?) Next step you might not be so with drawn with someone you find attractive/intriguing at the pub. Last step you're singing karaoke and dancing on the table whipping your shirt above your head (haha, joking) It will take time I think feeling that confidence again in a social scene like that. It will take time not comparing people to an ex or finding qualities in other people that your ex had (granted I know I'm a hypocrite of this) but I think its only natural at first, because you're so used to the ex, and their characteristics and personality are almost second nature to you from being around them so long, and they were so familiar to you in a sense. And maybe in the uncertainty after a breakup of being alone and being single ('unfamiliar') that it could be a subconscious way of trying to find comfort and familiarity in point, how to handle it; Give yourself credit for actually getting ready and going out. Seriously. Don't be hard on yourself or place time limits on your recovery in regards to social activities. One day at a time. So you go out and you're a little more withdrawn than you'd like to be 1)make a conscious effort to make a new friend that night or 2)just go with it and maybe the next time you go out you won't feel like that but don't make yourself feel like crap about it either. Can't give you any personal stories yet, but when I get some, I'll let you know if they're helpful
Ultrasonic Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I don't believe it's fear, as much as you're not over your ex just yet. (Which may sound like the same thing, but it's not.) A lot of people right after a break up will feel that dating someone else or anything like that is still cheating. Or even in the back of their heads even though they know something might be over; that they'll just ruin that chance of possibly getting back together. As Cali15 said; congrats on getting out; continue to do so, don't stay cooped up at home, soon you'll be your old self again.
Author Kodo Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 don't be so hard on yourself! I think you should give yourself credit for leaving your house and going out. Some people are not there yet. Baby steps!!! Take your time. First you get ready and go out. Next step you might not be so withdrawn (are you going alone or with friends?) Next step you might not be so with drawn with someone you find attractive/intriguing at the pub. Last step you're singing karaoke and dancing on the table whipping your shirt above your head (haha, joking) Baby steps was the thought at the back of my head. That I'm not ready. I went with friends though. Always do. It will take time I think feeling that confidence again in a social scene like that. It will take time not comparing people to an ex or finding qualities in other people that your ex had (granted I know I'm a hypocrite of this) but I think its only natural at first, because you're so used to the ex, and their characteristics and personality are almost second nature to you from being around them so long, and they were so familiar to you in a sense. And maybe in the uncertainty after a breakup of being alone and being single ('unfamiliar') that it could be a subconscious way of trying to find comfort and familiarity That's so true. And that's how it was. I'd analyse someone and let's be real the only real thing you can observe is very basic behaviour (are they being thrown out of the bar for example) or their appearance. And that's easy because we do that within nanoseconds when we see someone. But then the deeper things creep in. What if she hates your favourite TV shows? What if this, what if that? And then the easy solution is to just want the ex back. :/ A lot of people right after a break up will feel that dating someone else or anything like that is still cheating. Or even in the back of their heads even though they know something might be over; that they'll just ruin that chance of possibly getting back together. I felt like that first, but then for me that translates into something different. I feel like I'm in limbo. I either want to be back with the ex (even though that isbeyond my control) or I want to be moving on with someone new. Just not "HERE". As Cali15 said; congrats on getting out; continue to do so, don't stay cooped up at home, soon you'll be your old self again. Thanks you two, I do appreciate the feedback. It's funny if we went back over half a decade ago to when I was actually legally able to go to these places and NEVER have felt like this. One smile and I'd be on the approach. Now it's just so... uncertain?
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