EricaH329 Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I'm having a really difficult time figuring out how to deal with this. My father got married to a woman that he has only been with for a few months, and i've never met her before. This isn't like him. He told me 2 days before he got married that he might be getting married at the courthouse. I thought he was joking at first, then when I realized he wasn't my first reaction was to tell him that I wanted to be there. Yesterday comes, I still didn't hear anything back from him, so I texted him and asked him if he got married. He said yes. So first of all, he didn't invite me. Second of all, this whole situation is completely ass backwards. Third of all, this isn't like my father. Fourth (and right now, seemingly most important), this woman has never bothered to reach out to myself or my brother. You would think that if you are going to get married to a person, you'd want to at least talk to their children. I have zero respect for her. She hasn't shown any consideration towards myself or my brother. I woke up this morning and checked my FB page, my dad has her listed as his wife, and she changed her last name to mine. Oh, that makes me furious. I don't know what to do, how to act, or how to begin dealing with this situation. My brother told me to not get involved, but that means i'd have to detach myself from my dad until he decides he wants to discuss this with me.
Fugu Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) I'm having a really difficult time figuring out how to deal with this. My father got married to a woman that he has only been with for a few months, and i've never met her before. This isn't like him. Do you guys live far apart, or do near each other? The reason I ask is, I essentially did the same thing as your father. Got married before my family had actually met her. That I was going to marry her wasn't a secret, but I announced that we were going to Hawaii and doing a vacation/private JoP marriage, but that we wanted to have a reception at some point. They flipped out, probably as many families might, but in our case, we lived clear across the country and I have relatives that are spread out all across the country. Wouldn't have been feasible to have a wedding, and somebody probably would've felt pissed for having been snubbed so we just didn't bother with it. If it's a similar circumstance your father's in, I could see exactly why he went on about his business without consulting you. If he's living in your vicinity and you're regularly acquainted, that's a different matter, and I can see why you're upset. He told me 2 days before he got married that he might be getting married at the courthouse. I thought he was joking at first, then when I realized he wasn't my first reaction was to tell him that I wanted to be there. Yesterday comes, I still didn't hear anything back from him, so I texted him and asked him if he got married. He said yes. Maybe he's afraid you will reject or not approve of his choice. This could be because she's not fit for marriage, or that she's fit for marriage but he's just anxious that you might nevertheless disapprove. I agree that the least controversial move would have been to gradually bring her into the family -- learned that the hard way myself. At the same time, now that she's here, give her a fair shake, I say. Besides, this seems to be more about him than her. He's the one who knows the family here, not her. For all she knows, she might not think she's offending anyone. However, your father might know better. Deal with him first, then judge her over time. So first of all, he didn't invite me. Second of all, this whole situation is completely ass backwards. Third of all, this isn't like my father. Fourth (and right now, seemingly most important), this woman has never bothered to reach out to myself or my brother. You would think that if you are going to get married to a person, you'd want to at least talk to their children. I have zero respect for her. She hasn't shown any consideration towards myself or my brother. I woke up this morning and checked my FB page, my dad has her listed as his wife, and she changed her last name to mine. Oh, that makes me furious. And I think this is where you need to take a deep breath before you aim your bayonets at her. She might not know any of this is offending you. It might quite simply be marriage to someone she loves, and she might be assuming that she'll be delighted to meet you all over time. Without question, with children involved, I think she is taking a huge gamble by not insisting that she know you all first. I wouldn't do it. I don't think most people would. Nevertheless, judge her over time. You have every right to be skeptical, but let's not cast stones at her just yet. On the other hand, your father is someone you know. You may express your displeasure with him, but even so, hear him out. Get in his head and find out what he was thinking. Edited June 4, 2011 by Fugu
Author EricaH329 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Do you guys live far apart, or do near each other? The reason I ask is, I essentially did the same thing as your father. Got married before my family had actually met her. That I was going to marry her wasn't a secret, but I announced that we were going to Hawaii and doing a vacation/private JoP marriage, but that we wanted to have a reception at some point. They flipped out, probably as many families might, but in our case, we lived clear across the country and I have relatives that are spread out all across the country. Wouldn't have been feasible to have a wedding, and somebody probably would've felt pissed for having been snubbed so we just didn't bother with it. If it's a similar circumstance your father's in, I could see exactly why he went on about his business without consulting you. If he's living in your vicinity and you're regularly acquainted, that's a different matter, and I can see why you're upset. First, i'd like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read and comment. You've brought up a lot of good points that i'd like to address. He does live close to me. He is only 30 minutes away, but I actually happen to be in his city. I've been here since the day he told me he might get married, and i'm still here. From what I gather, he decided to get married in her city which is about 30 minutes from where I am currently (his city). My father and I talk on a pretty regular basis, and he involves me with the majority of things in his life. Which is why i'm pretty disappointed that he didn't involve me in this. Maybe he's afraid you will reject or not approve of his choice. This could be because she's not fit for marriage, or that she's fit for marriage but he's just anxious that you might nevertheless disapprove. I agree that the least controversial move would have been to gradually bring her into the family -- learned that the hard way myself. At the same time, now that she's here, give her a fair shake, I say. Besides, this seems to be more about him than her. He's the one who knows the family here, not her. For all she knows, she might not think she's offending anyone. However, your father might know better. Deal with him first, then judge her over time. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. Neither of them have ever re-married. I've been introduced to all of their girlfriends/boyfriends. Even the ones that didn't last long. He told me about her a few months ago when they started dating, I even commented on a few of their pictures on FB (nice things, of course). For him to not introduce me to her is odd. Especially before getting married to her. Even if I did not approve of her (which would take a lot), i'd respect the situation if he had the decency to at least give me the chance to make a decision on my own about it. And I think this is where you need to take a deep breath before you aim your bayonets at her. She might not know any of this is offending you. It might quite simply be marriage to someone she loves, and she might be assuming that she'll be delighted to meet you all over time. Without question, with children involved, I think she is taking a huge gamble by not insisting that she know you all first. I wouldn't do it. I don't think most people would. Nevertheless, judge her over time. You have every right to be skeptical, but let's not cast stones at her just yet. On the other hand, your father is someone you know. You may express your displeasure with him, but even so, hear him out. Get in his head and find out what he was thinking. If she doesn't know that his children are a big part of his life, it just goes to show exactly why this entire thing is a mistake. She obviously doesn't know him well enough. I told my dad, several times, that I love him and only want him happy. Because of that reason alone, I will support this marriage. However, that does not mean I have to like it and it most certainly doesn't mean that I have to respect a woman that I have never met and (in my opinion) has done nothing but disrespect me and my fathers family.
oldguy Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 My children's mother & I split after they where grown and mostly on their own & I remarried some time later. I don't understand why your dad wouldn't introduce his new wife to his children. From my perspective I think I would give his wife a pass for now though and withhold judgement on her until you and your dad get this sorted out. Is there some reason he would be embarrassed to introduce you to her. Is she like; your age, JK, LOL. Sorry, after my divorce I dated a girl a couple of times that was closer to my kids age, (mid to later 20's), than mine and for me there was a yuk factor I just couldn't get past so I thought I would mention it, LOL.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 My children's mother & I split after they where grown and mostly on their own & I remarried some time later. I don't understand why your dad wouldn't introduce his new wife to his children. From my perspective I think I would give his wife a pass for now though and withhold judgement on her until you and your dad get this sorted out. Is there some reason he would be embarrassed to introduce you to her. Is she like; your age, JK, LOL. Sorry, after my divorce I dated a girl a couple of times that was closer to my kids age, (mid to later 20's), than mine and for me there was a yuk factor I just couldn't get past so I thought I would mention it, LOL. My dad actually has a tendency to date women who are closer to my age. He always has, i'm used to it. This girl is 9 years older than I am (or 10, can't remember). The age has never bothered me, it's the immaturity that's always pushed me away from his girlfriends. I think (along with my good friends and my brother) that there is more to this marriage than he is letting on. A couple of people seem to think she may be pregnant. I asked him if that was the case, and he hasn't responded back to me yet. If that's true, then I will be even more upset. It's hard not to pass judgment on her already. The lack of actions have proven a great deal. I think the least she could have done was messaged me on FB (she has a FB page) and tried to get to know me that way. I've been half tempted to message her and say, "Hello. I'm your husbands daughter. Thought you might like to have a relationship with your husbands children." But I feel like someone needs to be the bigger person in this situation, and if it isn't going to be either of them, perhaps I should lead by example.
Fugu Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I think I understand the situation better. I agree that it's a bit odd that he never involved you two in their relationship, considering that they're now actually *married*, and considering especially how close you two live to each other. In my case, it just wasn't that easy for us to go out and meet my family, and they never made the effort to visit me. But in your case, visiting would be pretty simple, I would think. I could definitely be wrong on this, and it's purely speculation, but I somewhat suspect that your hunch may be right: I think she could be pregnant, and they thought marriage might be the obligatory move in light of that situation. It all seems to be moving so fast -- much faster than anything you would have expected from him. That seems to indicate that the circumstances in his life have changed rather suddenly, which would logically invite questions about pregnancy. If I were you, I think it might be wise to let him address that question you've raised (about pregnancy). That might explain a lot, and that might make judgment of him and her a little easier. You're still entitled to whatever opinions you have. The feelings are yours, of course. You don't have to respect her -- respect is earned. But at least give her the chance to earn it. That's all I'm saying.
oldguy Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 It's hard not to pass judgment on her already. The lack of actions have proven a great deal. I think the least she could have done was messaged me on FB (she has a FB page) and tried to get to know me that way. I've been half tempted to message her and say, "Hello. I'm your husbands daughter. Thought you might like to have a relationship with your husbands children." But I feel like someone needs to be the bigger person in this situation, and if it isn't going to be either of them, perhaps I should lead by example.[/quote] I'll agree it's odd. Have you tried to FB her, make first contact? daughters & dads need to get along:p I'm pretty sure my daughter would be in my face if I did anything to jeopardize our relationship. Thanks to you I will be reminding her of that now LOL.
Tayla Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 You seem to be close to your father, yet I often question where the entitlement comes into play that you must know first about personal adult matters of the heart? Its his choice ultimately and he choose to be quiet about this marital arrangement. Granted most open families would be kind in advising of the nuptials so they can get an introductory to the bride as she will be a new family member. Its not your last name, its your fathers from his side of the family. Unless you got a trademark on the name? As to the New Step Mom, cant says as I blame ya for your discontent in her not being gracious . That part I can see where you are coming from. Your father owed you that much as his daughter to make acquaintance and blend her into any of the family talks.....
Fugu Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I can see this from both sides. Yes, it's an individual decision, and yes the family should support someone's happiness, but the decision to marry *does* entail consequences for the rest of the family. As I mentioned before, I have a somewhat personal perspective on this. On one hand, I can see this from the OP's point of view. She's close to her father, and after all, she's his daughter. They've cultivated a bond of their own (as has her brother, I would assume). It's an important bond. Even though she's mature and on her own now, there are always times when a person could use a good parent. I would imagine that having grown up the child of a divorce makes this dynamic even trickier, because that shapes their relationship in ways that children of couples don't necessarily relate to. I think the OP is worried about where she now stands with her father, and whether this woman is going to be someone who displaces family members and complicates a situation that might already be delicate on its own. Even under the best of circumstances, family members often worry about what the new addition to the family is like, and whether they're going to fit in the family or take the family member out for him or herself. I think those are valid concerns. All I'm telling the OP is to be careful. It's probably not fair that she's (OP) been put in this position, but even so, we do not control who our families choose as their partners. It's true that not everyone in the family has to like or accept the decision of an individual to marry someone -- individual family members hold those cards and reserve the right to play them or not. But I think that this card is one that family members often do misplay. Interfering with the marriage just because one can is probably not a good move. Ultimately, even in good situations, marriage is not really a family decision; it's an individual family member's decision. It's simply a matter of whether the family chooses to support that decision, or to oppose it. I think the OP's family has every right to withhold their support until they know more about the individual who's coming into the picture. I think they should be gracious enough to treat the new member as a family guest, and guests should be treated with some degree of dignity. But the OP and her brother (and anyone else for that matter) are not obligated to shower her with love until they know more about her character. By that same token, I think that the really harsh judgments and criticisms should be withheld as well. Set the dial to zero. Neither plus nor minus, but zero. Let her earn or squander the family's favor based on her own conduct. As I said, if there's any beef, it's with the father. He's the one who knows the family here. Heck, we don't even know what he's told or not told the wife. Maybe she has asked him to contact and set up a get together with the family, and maybe he's not dealt with it. The OP needs time to sort this out. If the wife's to blame, that will be revealed in time.
LShasleftmeindespair Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I wouldn't want to meet my spouse's family or friends either.
Pyro Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I wouldn't want to meet my spouse's family or friends either. I'm sure the feeling is mutual there.
LShasleftmeindespair Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I'm sure the feeling is mutual there. If only it were....
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