LostInContemplation Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 First to all those who are willing to suffer through my story: Thank you so much as I really do appreciate any advice you might give to me. It's really something I need to get off my chest and stop thinking about. I "broke up" with my boyfriend about 4 months ago. We were only together a total of 3 months but this was the first relationship I've had that had a extremely deep emotional connection. I've been told a countless number of times that I shouldn't be stuck on such a brief relationship but the way it ended was so unsettling to me that I barely accepted it. The reason why I stated that I broke up with my ex in quotations was that I was the one to suggest that we should demote our relationship to something more casual because he didn't have enough time for me. I was trying to accommodate for that and stop being as clingy as I would have been if it was a full blown relationship. NOTE: I wanted a full blown relationship but knew he couldn't so I suggested a causal relationship to reduce any pressure on him and to calm my nerves. This promptly blew up in my face where he said he couldn't handle this emotional rollercoaster I was putting him through and we ended it. A few days after I cooled off and decided to speak to him about it again. He clarified that the increasing amount of stress from his family, job, and me were getting to him so that was the reason for our break up. The talk ended in the same conclusion as before where we'd still be broken up but at the end I managed to ask him if we could ever try again and he told me maybe in a few months when he wasn't as stressed but he also said," It'll never be the same again." What got me in the end was when I asked if we could still hang out (choosing my words wisely), he looked back at me and said, "I would really like that." Fast forward 3 months of my trying to recover from the break up (which I assumed would be sufficient enough) where I went through stages of extreme hate and love. Because he was my classmate and we have the same group of friends, it was hard to do the whole NC. (Plus I had no willpower whatsoever.) We basically tip-toed around each other during these months with very limited contact. I terminated iming him unless it pertained to homework, grades, the standard stuff. I thought I had completely gotten over him until about a week ago. I also completely stopped asking him or talking to him about getting back to together as I was tired of dealing with it. Then came the end of the semester and I had an entire day packed with finals. I saw him earlier in the day but only talked with him about classes and asked for homework help. When a mutual friend came in, I got to talking to him more and my ex interrupted stating that he'd take us out tonight as he had forgotten both of our birthdays. I didn't think much of it at the time and honestly thought he was only talking about our mutual friend. Concluding my finals, a group of friends from my class decided to drink the night away in celebration to the end of the semester. Of course, I got gloriously drunk but realized after a while I was professing my love for my ex to one of my classmates while he was in the room. I honestly don't know if he overheard anything but he certainly was not as drunk as me. It surprised me that my ex even somewhat paid attention to me as he noticed that I hated every drink I had and proceeded to note it to everyone. But at that point, I didn't talk to him much. I remember sitting right next to him at the bar and touching his arm or hand and convincing him to drink further by just saying please. He eventually gave in. In my drunken happiness, I leaned on him for support throughout the night although I'm not sure he paid much attention. He also kindly shared his food with me when I was hungry but that was perhaps because he was being nice. That night, I realized I was not completely over him and asked his best friend exactly what was going on. He admitted to me that my ex still very much likes me but can't bring himself to start a relationship with me because he felt bad that he was unable to help me with my problems. This left me contemplating for another week or so about what I just discovered. Later that week, I stupidly met him at his house deceiving myself to thinking that if I spoke to him one on one, that my feelings about him would disappear. We talked for quite a while about life, his family, friends, and school along with random subjects. At the very start, I was cool and didn't care much for hanging out with him but towards the end, I began to realize exactly why I fell for him in the first place which made me sad. It's always his eyes and the way he looks at me that makes me melt. Later that night we continued our conversation over AIM where I was slightly flirtatious. Right now, I'm stuck between telling him my actual feelings for him/wanting to get back together and knowing that this isn't possible. But my feelings are much towards the latter because if it didn't work out the first time, why would it work now? I know for sure that his life is not as stressed as before but this still isn't a reason to ask. I honestly don't understand why everything is so complicated but maybe it's all just me. I felt that I've established a decent friendship with him and don't want to jeopardize it by revealing my actual feelings. I love being with him, talking to him but is honesty the best policy in this situation? I think he still may have feelings for me as addressed by his best friend but I'm not absolutely sure. Any advice, harsh or not will surely help. Thanks so much!
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