RecordProducer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) My mom came to live with me in the US very recently. My (second) ex-husband helped her get the visa but it's not like he went out of his way or spent any money or time or effort doing it. She already thanked him many times. He and I have been separated for 2.5 years and officially divorced. We are in bad terms as of New Year's when we stopped sleeping together and seeing each other (was my decision). I tried to be friends with him but he wanted to be mean to me - he talks to me as though I am a piece of crap. I have kids from my first marriage whom my second husband adores and takes care of 50% of the time. They too love him very much and consider him their Dad. Anyway, to make a very long story short, he invited my mom and the kids to dinner on the first day when she arrived to the United States - whenever she's available to go. He asked her a few days later if she wanted to go to breakfast with him, and she replied "My daughter is at home (as in not at work) and I don't want to leave her alone." The thing is I think he is doing this to humiliate me. He thinks my mom is thinking she needs his help (he is very well situated under the sun, if you know what I mean) and she will swallow her pride and kiss his butt because he thinks he's such a big shot. Of course, he could just be a kind person, but I know him better than that: he's a major control freak, a very strategic power-player, and he didn't even hide in front of my mom that he is NOT acknowledging my existence. My mom and I are extremely close. She won't offend me if she goes or impress me if she doesn't because she's kinda like my other me. But I don't want HIM to think this is his victory because everybody needs him. My mom doesn't really need him in life - in case you were wondering. She's going to buy an apartment for herself with cash and get a job and a car and still have savings left; plus, she has me and her grandkids. I think my ex is just playing with me by inviting her to dinner without me. If he really respected her, he would've invited me too and he KNOWS (trust me he does!) that I would say No, thanks. What he is doing is like telling her "You're invited but your ass*hole daughter is not!" Anyhoo, I think she should ask him if I am invited as well and when he replies in some form that I am not, she should just let him know that she doesn't want to go if her daughter is not invited. She already kinda did it in an instinctive, motherly protective way when she refused the breakfast invite - I think she should just tell him in a very kind and gentle tone that it ain't happening without me being invited (not necessarily joined). No, I wouldn't go, but I don't want to allow him to humiliate me, and especially my mother, like that. He's done this crap to me before like everyone is invited and welcome but I am forgotten and unimportant. He can't include my mom and exclude me. Or perhaps she should just say "Yes, I am free tonight, I will tell my daughter to get ready in half an hour" and see if he says "No, your daughter is not invited" - in which case she would have a FULL RIGHT to tell him "OK, then I'm not invited either." What do you guys think? Thanks for reading. Edited June 4, 2011 by RecordProducer
Mz. Pixie Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Hey- RP- I haven't been here in a bit-but I am kinda happy to see you're not with this guy- I remember all the terrible posts from you about him wanting you to sleep on the mattress with old menstrual blood on it when he could easily afford another-and how his family treated you. Anyway- I think she could just say that while she appreciates that fact that he helped her with the visa and the fact that he loves the kids and is good to them-that she thinks it would be disloyal to you to go without you-all things considered. If his family wouldn't have been so terrible to you in the past-and if I didn't remember some of the things he did-and what a big shot he really thinks he is it might be another thing but I see no reason why your mom has to kiss his butt after all of that-even if he helped with the visa. He probably only did that to look good too.
YellowShark Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 If you're on bad terms and divorced he should not be asking your mother out for dinner. The VISA thing is irrelevant. IMHO it's obviously a passive-aggressive power play to screw with you mentally RP. And if your mother has your best interests in mind she will decline his offer.
Author RecordProducer Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Thanks, guys. Yeah, I agree with both of you.
Author RecordProducer Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Well, apparently he got the message, so he invited both of us (he asked the kids to ask us ). We did go, and he and I barely spoke, but I don't care cuz I was busy enjoying the awesome sushi.
Author RecordProducer Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 He has power over you because you let him.Hahah! That's true! But also, I have power over him or he would've forgotten I existed - just like I forgot my first husband ever existed... speaking of whom, it was our marriage anniversary today! Had we stayed married, it would've been our 13th anniversary! Oh my goodness, good riddance (talking about my first H).
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