Dating someone with an eating disorder?

[Lilmisus]

I've been curious how people in relationships react when they find out, or know that their partner has an eating disorder - if they know, that is.

 

I've mainly been wondering because for a majority of my previous relationship, I had an eating disorder - he never found out about it (no one did), and I preferred it that way. I knew that if he knew, then he'd break up with me over it, since he couldn't believe that anyone could hate their body that much, and thought it was disgusting. Ironically, I thought for a while that he had one - always admitted to getting sick after eating, and always had the excuse that he "didn't feel well" for days at a time, so wouldn't eat sometimes. I no longer have an eating disorder though (fighting to keep it that way) thank God, so that's at least one positive there.

 

But if you were seeing someone, how would you react?

Break up with them?

Try to "help" them?

Ignore it? After all, it's their decision.

 

If you knew someone had it before you dated them, or got involved with them at all, would you cut off ties with them or treat them like you would anyone else?

 

Anyone else here willing to admit to an eating disorder of the past or present?

 

This is just curiosity getting the best of me though. Opinions would be appreciated

[Enchanted Girl]

All people have struggles, self-esteem issues, and mental problems. I tend to do whatever I can to get anyone I am dating to open up to me and reveal all those things to me.

 

If I was dating someone with an eating disorder and they were aware of it, I'd hold them when they told me and tell them I was there to help them through all of it and that they were gorgeous and it made me sad that they would hate such a gorgeous body and I'd tell them they could always talk to me about their struggles. That I was there for them.

 

If they weren't aware of it, I might slowly nudge them towards that realization when I figured out that this was true. (People I date always open up to me a lot to the point where I have realized they had certain disorders and mental problems before they did.) I would outright tell them about it if they were ready to hear it, if not, I'd gently break it to them by opening their eyes to certain things, but I'd tell, them I loved them the whole time. When I saw them not eating and hating their bodies, I'd compliment them a bunch and get them to open up to me about their insecurities, so I could help them with them.

 

Either way, I absolutely would not break-up with them. Like I said, everyone has things like this and with everyone I've ever dated, I've helped them through whatever issues they have. It's important to me that they know they are accepted no matter what and because of that, they often admit things to me that they never admitted to anyone else or sometimes even THEMSELVES on a regular basis. If I'm not going to be there for their struggles and issues, then its proof that I don't love everything about them. It's proof that I'm not a girlfriend that will stick around when the going gets tough. Those are the times when its most important that I am there for them in my opinion.

 

AND I'm pretty sure I did date someone with an eating disorder before. My ex was 135 lbs and 5'5". He thought he was so fat though. He thought he had a huge belly (his stomach was flat) and was always going on diets. He told me that when I told him that 135 lbs at his height was fine for a girl and he was a man who could get away with weighing more and he was on the skinny side, that I was delusional. I told him that he had a distorted body image and he argued with me about it. I just complimented him a lot and did whatever I could to try to get him to accept himself.

Edited June 4, 2011 by Enchanted Girl

[Fondue]

I wouldn't care. Honestly, I don't care much about people's issues/problems/etc.

 

If it wasn't affecting you negatively, or you didn't look completely frail from all the fasting/puking/etc., I wouldn't say anything. I probably wouldn't think about it. As long as you look human and not some kind of skeleton, it's all just dieting to me.

 

Would you believe me if I told you I'm a respected health care professional? Hahhahahahahhaha.

[Cee]

I was in treatment for binge eating disorder and virtually every woman with anorexia or bulimia had a boyfriend supporting her. There was a lot of conflict because all of these women were still starving and purging, but they were honest and sincere about treatment. From the stories people told, the relationships seemed pretty normal and average. But remember these women (girls) were 15-21 mostly, so there was a lot of normal youthful drama.

 

Those of us with eating disorders can spot a woman with one a mile away. But most people don't notice the obsessive behavior at all. Since most bulimics are of normal weight (but these women hate their weight), the disease flies under the radar. I am continually surprised how tolerant people are of eating disorders, but it's because they don't see the horrifying binges and purges. Nor do they really know how much turmoil and self-hate goes on.

 

In sum, your secret is safe to keep. But do you really want to keep that mask of outer calm on while dying on the inside? I suggest you disclose and not allow your illness any place to hide.

[vsmini]

I've had an eating disorder in my past, got much therapy and worked my ass off to get through it.

 

If you're already in a relationship - that might be different but I think it would be beneficial to guys to stay away (code red flag) if you start dating someone with a serious ED.

 

You wouldn't date someone who was only 5 days into AA would you?

 

Trust me - If I still had an ED I wouldn't like another fellow ED female telling males to steer clear of "us" either but I really would recommend NOT to get involved. Someone with an ED - 9 times out of 10 has severe issues that need to be solved before they can really be emotionally healthy and balanced to be in a relationship.

 

ATTN - yes - a true ED is a mental illness that is severe. A mental illness that is so severe that it causes you to inflict harm on your own body. Women and some men are dying to be thin...in this case I think it's almost worse or the same as a heroin addict. I know I wouldn't want to start a relationship off with someone like that.

 

this may not pertain to everyone

It could work out alright.....I'm sure a small percentage of people dating/married to people with severe mental illness can make it work but that's rare.

[Lilmisus]

I've had an eating disorder in my past, got much therapy and worked my ass off to get through it.

 

If you're already in a relationship - that might be different but I think it would be beneficial to guys to stay away (code red flag) if you start dating someone with a serious ED.

 

You wouldn't date someone who was only 5 days into AA would you?

 

Trust me - If I still had an ED I wouldn't like another fellow ED female telling males to steer clear of "us" either but I really would recommend NOT to get involved. Someone with an ED - 9 times out of 10 has severe issues that need to be solved before they can really be emotionally healthy and balanced to be in a relationship.

 

ATTN - yes - a true ED is a mental illness that is severe. A mental illness that is so severe that it causes you to inflict harm on your own body. Women and some men are dying to be thin...in this case I think it's almost worse or the same as a heroin addict. I know I wouldn't want to start a relationship off with someone like that.

 

this may not pertain to everyone

It could work out alright.....I'm sure a small percentage of people dating/married to people with severe mental illness can make it work but that's rare.

 

I wouldn't call an eating disorder a "severe mental illness," not for everyone who has some sort of eating disorder at least. There are some, who it effects their entire life. They count calories like it's nobody's business, and they work out excessively, and still feel like they are overweight..even if they're a twig. Those people..have a severe mental illness.

 

I wont try to make my eating disorder seem like it was nothing..it was definitely something. It didn't consume my entire life though. I was bulimic, so I wont go into too much detail...but it wasn't that I was thinking about it all the time...it just went into my daily patterns. I got addicted to it, even though it was more of an after thought than anything. Believe it or not - I loved the way I looked. I just got addicted to something that was horrible for me, and God..it was killer getting out of that addiction.

 

I actually decided for Lent that I would give up bulimia (ha!), so I told myself time and time again "you made a promise to God..forty days..you can do it" and I did it. Funny thing is, my ex broke up with me right after Lent started..and after he broke up with me, I couldn't even eat. It was like I went from being bulimic to being anorexic, over night. In two weeks time, I lost 10 pounds from not eating, and I loathed it. I loathed the way I looked at that point, because by then I was too skinny..and I had to force myself to eat. People actually kept asking me "dang girl, how are you losing all this weight?" and I just told them emotional stress is the best diet But everyone knew I wasn't eating at that point, so they all offered me all the help they could. Even my ex knew I wasn't eating..and he tried to give me "slight" motivation..saying "yeah..you should probably eat something.." acting like he actually cared.

 

So for me...I think I got in a very bad habit..one that showed the self hate that I had for myself, even though I never thought it was there. Now, I am extremely happy in my skin, and I don't think I'll go back to bulimia (or anorexia..if you could say I was ever there..) because it's not worth it. I'm at a very great weight right now..and I prefer exercise and eating right to anything else.

 

But to what you said about not getting in a relationship...if it is so severe that it controlled your entire life (just like drugs, alcohol, or just about anything else can..) then yeah..you shouldn't be in a relationship, you need to seek help ASAP. If it's not that severe though, I don't think that you should place the rest of your dating life on hold while you count calories or binge eat. Like someone else said..it can be seen as just another type of dieting..just one that's frowned upon though.

[good_vibes]

If I was not already in a relationship with them and they had an active ED I would not get involved. I guess that seems cold but one of my standards is that the person be healthy, both physically and mentally, and I would not consider that healthy.

 

I feel that a person needs to be healthy themselves before they can have a healthy relationship with others.

 

If I date someone and they show signs of other problems, depression, OCD or whatever, I would not date them either.

[Feelin Frisky]

Since I have one myself I think it would be best for me to get involved with someone who also has similar issues so that we can support each other. I made a terrible mistake getting involved with someone who was totally reckless about food and wanted to engage in ritual eating regularly. I need to manage myself and be strict at times and I can't have someone self-centered trashing my needs. Low and behold after I gave in to her demands and started gaining weight it was "all my fault". I won't have that again.

[sweetjasmine]

If symptoms are presenting and they aren't getting help, break up. If symptoms are presenting and they are getting help, go very very slow. If the eating disorder is comorbid with other emotional issues, break up definitely.

 

Totally agreed.

 

It may seem harsh, especially to those who are suffering from these types of issues, but I think it's the best course of action. A person can't cure their partner's mental illness, even if they're a mental health professional, and being close to someone who has such a problem is emotionally draining.

 

And IMO there's no such thing as having a "not that severe" eating disorder. I'm not a mental health professional, but as far as I know, it doesn't stop being a mental illness if you manage to cope with it and function more or less normally. If you engage in those behaviors and feel addicted to them, it's still bulimia and it's still a mental disorder. It's not "dieting." And these types of justifications and denials are one of the major reasons why I could never stay with someone with this type of mental illness unless they were already getting help and getting healthy.

[searchingforanswers]

My ex-gf was recovering from bulimia. I knew it going in and it made me very uncomfortable, but I also saw the very good in her and wanted to be supportive. In the end, I left because I felt she made a lot of unhealthy choices. I have to admit that in the two years we were together she "only" had 3-4 binges. I tried being supportive, but at the same time I struggled to understand how this was a way to deal with emotional conflicts. I offered, what I thought, were rational ways to feel better about her body, but she rejected them (and later said that my suggestions proved to her that I didn't understand what she was going through). I sometimes have regret and wonder if I could have handled things better - then perhaps things might have been different, but then again I feel that people should come together "ready" to be in a healthy relationship. She went back to her previous ex-bf about 6 weeks after we split. Most people tell me I dodged a bullet, but it doesn't change the fact that I deeply love and care for this woman.

 

That said, If someone asked me, I would suggest steering clear because 1) I found that it wasn't just an eating disorder that was on the table - it was an unhealthy way of coping with an array of difficulties. And 2) it's painful to watch someone you care about and think so highly of to struggle with acceptance. I'm sure there are examples where things work out very well for both parties involved, but I think it's definitely an obstacle that shouldn't be easily dismissed or overlooked.

[vsmini]

I wouldn't call an eating disorder a "severe mental illness," not for everyone who has some sort of eating disorder at least. There are some, who it effects their entire life. They count calories like it's nobody's business, and they work out excessively, and still feel like they are overweight..even if they're a twig. Those people..have a severe mental illness.

 

I wont try to make my eating disorder seem like it was nothing..it was definitely something. It didn't consume my entire life though. I was bulimic, so I wont go into too much detail...but it wasn't that I was thinking about it all the time...it just went into my daily patterns. I got addicted to it, even though it was more of an after thought than anything. Believe it or not - I loved the way I looked. I just got addicted to something that was horrible for me, and God..it was killer getting out of that addiction.

 

I actually decided for Lent that I would give up bulimia (ha!), so I told myself time and time again "you made a promise to God..forty days..you can do it" and I did it. Funny thing is, my ex broke up with me right after Lent started..and after he broke up with me, I couldn't even eat. It was like I went from being bulimic to being anorexic, over night. In two weeks time, I lost 10 pounds from not eating, and I loathed it. I loathed the way I looked at that point, because by then I was too skinny..and I had to force myself to eat. People actually kept asking me "dang girl, how are you losing all this weight?" and I just told them emotional stress is the best diet But everyone knew I wasn't eating at that point, so they all offered me all the help they could. Even my ex knew I wasn't eating..and he tried to give me "slight" motivation..saying "yeah..you should probably eat something.." acting like he actually cared.

 

So for me...I think I got in a very bad habit..one that showed the self hate that I had for myself, even though I never thought it was there. Now, I am extremely happy in my skin, and I don't think I'll go back to bulimia (or anorexia..if you could say I was ever there..) because it's not worth it. I'm at a very great weight right now..and I prefer exercise and eating right to anything else.

 

But to what you said about not getting in a relationship...if it is so severe that it controlled your entire life (just like drugs, alcohol, or just about anything else can..) then yeah..you shouldn't be in a relationship, you need to seek help ASAP. If it's not that severe though, I don't think that you should place the rest of your dating life on hold while you count calories or binge eat. Like someone else said..it can be seen as just another type of dieting..just one that's frowned upon though.

 

I think this is a huge red flag on your part. You're acting as if throwing up your food is just a bad habit - like biting your nails.

You're in denial. If you can admit to your dates that you throw up on a regular basis in the same casual way you would mention how you do your laundry I think you'd be in for a big surprise.

 

Would you share this with your SO that you threw up often or keep it a secret? And if you're keeping that a secret then...you're too unhealthy to have a true relationship.

Sorry - can't change my mind on that one.

[daisydukes]

I actually dated a guy with a ED. He would always worry about how many calories he ate but yet he drank beer?? It got kinda old after awhile. It's like you are not fat chill!!

[vsmini]

I wouldn't care. Honestly, I don't care much about people's issues/problems/etc.

 

If it wasn't affecting you negatively, or you didn't look completely frail from all the fasting/puking/etc., I wouldn't say anything. I probably wouldn't think about it. As long as you look human and not some kind of skeleton, it's all just dieting to me.

 

Would you believe me if I told you I'm a respected health care professional? Hahhahahahahhaha.

 

How on earth is having an eating disorder - to any degree - NOT affecting the person negatively?

 

Even if it's just "mild eating disorder" -which I think is BS because most of these weird-O "pro ana" girls are just screaming for attention which is a whole other hole of issues.

 

So either - you're a little child that has issues with getting attention or you have a severe eating disorder. There's no grey area - unless you're recovering an making an effort to be healthy every.single.day. Not one of the very sad people who think puking is just ritual maintenance.