Dilemma, feel free to judge me

[Els]

I find it quite interesting that you attack me, the male, who confessed to cheating while defending the female, who confessed to cheating more than once. You're a feminist and a bigot.

 

Whoa. Strong reaction much? 1st things 1st. I said the woman quoted by NexusOne was wrong for cheating. Yep, I did. I think you're wrong too, but I didn't even say it. I thought you sorta knew it. If NexusOne had responded to you the way he had to her, I would have said the exact same thing to him.

 

Yes, I expect a woman to take the name of her husband as has been done for centuries in almost every culture. What, independent women are insulted now by having to take the name of their husbands? What the hell do you need marriage for then? How incredibly claustrophobic and demeaning. If you want all the legal benefits and security that comes from law, then you abide by the traditions of the law which include taking your husbands name.

Unfortunately, for centuries in almost every culture, women had never been judged by their husbands for being less professionally-inclined than them. That is a completely modern thing - the working woman. Your expectation of a professional working woman who also is willing to take your name, is pretty much the same as a woman expecting a man to pay all the bills and yet consider her an equal in everything. It happens, but it's hypocritical of the person to expect.

 

You're assumptions on my lack of domestication skills clearly is attitude displacement, perhaps from your own home life? Funny how I got screamed at other day for trying to "help" by washing a load of laundry. Her reasoning? "Why can't I give her one thing that's her own thing to take care of around this house?" I'm damned if I wash a load of laundry, damned if I wash one with her clothes in it because I do it wrong, damned if I wash a load of my own without hers in it because I wasn't considerate enough, damned if I wash dishes by hand because obviously dishes are supposed to go in the dish washer and don't wash them because I obviously don't know how to do it properly, ad nauseum. Woman please, I'm a full time practicing physician with less free time than most and I STILL try to help out around the house as well as do all the yard work rather than pay someone to do it. What I have on my hands is a miserable wife who does nothing but complain and focus on everything negative in her life instead of the positives. Misery invites misery and I'm tired of being around someone who is miserable all the time, period. It's disheartening to know that you're married to someone who is so easily robbed of joy because they never focus on the positive things in their life. Maybe some of you relish the thought of remaining in unhappy marriages with unhappy people simply for the sake of tenacity, resilience and societal expectations, but I didn't marry to be unhappy.

Sorry, I can't read your mind. You didn't say you were scolded for trying to help, in your OP. You said she did all the housework. All I had to base on was your OP. This clarification puts things in better perspective, despite being delivered in a very vehement manner with unnecessary insults.

 

Obviously, I'm no saint. I've confessed to my priest and ended the affair and continue to pray for guidance in my situation but I'm so sick of this feminism tainted sense of entitlement and reflexive tendency to judge all men as chauvinists.

Whoaaaa. Who the hell called you a chauvinist? If you re-read my post, you'll note there is not a single insult against you in it, as compared to your reply. I simply gave you questions to reflect on. Take it or leave it.

 

I also find it very interesting to note how you say 'Feel free to judge me' in your title, and then go berserk on a post that wasn't even truly judgmental, by the standards of most posts in the infidelity forums. Sorry, but it just made me laugh. I hope you don't tell your patients, 'Feel free to ask me questions', and then insult them as soon as they open their mouths.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Elswyth

[Woggle]

I don't think a man cheating would have been defended like that either.

 

That being said I can't see anything wrong with your wife. If you are not happy then leave but you are wrong for what you are doing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You're a feminist and a bigot.

 

Oh, ho ho. What happened to "feel free to judge me"?

 

 

Obviously, I'm no saint.

 

And, obviously you are not husband material. Angry troll.

[lordWilhelm]

Kelemvor, I'm not sure what triggered you right there but you definitely went off the deep end with Elswyth here, and made several unfounded accusations. She didn't say anything that should have set off that tirade, and in fact she pointed out a contradiction that really stands out in your OP -- you want her to be professional and independent and yet you get annoyed and hold a grudge she won't take your name. And then you go on to espouse an incredibly back-dated view of women.

 

You're being completely ridiculous here, and do you notice the ironic similarity to the way that you claim she gets upset about your helping/not helping with the laundry. How does that make you feel? Well, she's probably experiencing the same kind of contradiction only on a much more important sphere of her life -- her career and role as a wife. That's a lot of pressure on her.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can do too much right now to improve your marriage because you should ideally start with examining where you find yourself first and trying to understand why you have such difficulty dealing with people close-up and feel the need to retreat yourself in your work. Nothing will improve until you find the motivation within yourself to place more emphasis on close personal relationships and really trying to make it work.

Edited June 14, 2011 by lordWilhelm

[4NewRoad]

Dear Kel.

 

I was married to "you" (different name, but "same guy") for 12 years. Although I always felt proud of my hubbie's accomplishments, I also always resented him for not giving me an equally important place in his life as he did his job.

 

I understood that this behavior was a result of his poor family relationship (like yours) and so after 12 years of waiting for a change, I decided to leave him (divorce him) and remain friends.

 

I continue to admire him, to care about him, and I know I could not have done so had we stayed together... There would have been too much "damage", and thus very little to salvage...My experience tells me that it would be the best for you to divorce her.

 

I would also say, please be honest! I read someone recommending you to not tell her that it was "her" (her depending on you, serving you, pleasing you, etc.) which finally turned you off completely; and I have to disagree.

 

She is going to want to know what made the marriage fail, and she's got to hear it from you COMPASSIONATELY, but she needs to know! You owe it to her for sake of her own personal growth. You would be doing her a great diservice if you were to say "it's all on me".

 

You know, I know, we ALL KNOW that No man worth anything loves a woman for her submissivness. Men (and women) love independence, strength, the ability to face challenges. She has got to learn that!

 

If she were that kind of gal, independent, strong, ready and willing to grow up intellectually, spiritually and emotionally, I would bet that you would probably be more likely to keep trying...To continue to be married, for you would see hope a future with someone who was worth spending your life with.

 

Learn from this experience, allow the pain and the suffering to be part of you and know we ALL go through these kinds of experiences. It is part of life. The silver lining? You are learning more about yourself, what you are (or aren't) capable of doing/accepting, and this will allow you to be more careful next time you engage in a new relationship.

[Els]

Kelemvor, I'm not sure what triggered you right there but you definitely went off the deep end with Elswyth here, and made several unfounded accusations. She didn't say anything that should have set off that tirade, and in fact she pointed out a contradiction that really stands out in your OP -- you want her to be professional and independent and yet you get annoyed and hold a grudge she won't take your name. And then you go on to espouse an incredibly back-dated view of women.

 

You're being completely ridiculous here, and do you notice the ironic similarity to the way that you claim she gets upset about your helping/not helping with the laundry. How does that make you feel? Well, she's probably experiencing the same kind of contradiction only on a much more important sphere of her life -- her career and role as a wife. That's a lot of pressure on her.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can do too much right now to improve your marriage because you should ideally start with examining where you find yourself first and trying to understand why you have such difficulty dealing with people close-up and feel the need to retreat yourself in your work. Nothing will improve until you find the motivation within yourself to place more emphasis on close personal relationships and really trying to make it work.

 

Thanks. The OP has mentioned in his post already, that his career is the most important thing to him and that everything else comes second. That is not necessarily a bad thing, admittedly, but usually the women who are okay with it are women who consider it a worthwhile trade, being second in priority, for a husband that provides well for them and the family so that they can settle into the traditional roles that they feel more comfortable with, ie housework. The OP has such a woman, but he does not appreciate it because he wants her to be as career-driven as him and yet bowing to gender role traditions where he sees fit. How unfortunate. This is not to say that the OP's wife is perfect, but it seems to me a case of scrutinizing the speck of dust in one's partner's eye while ignoring the plank in one's own.

 

I don't think a man cheating would have been defended like that either.

 

That being said I can't see anything wrong with your wife. If you are not happy then leave but you are wrong for what you are doing.

 

There have been plenty of threads on this board where a man admitted to cheating, was unfairly and personally attacked by a poster and then defended by others. I've defended a few who were genuinely seeking help and wanted to discuss things properly. It's the right thing to do anyway.

 

Oh, ho ho. What happened to "feel free to judge me"?

 

 

 

 

And, obviously you are not husband material. Angry troll.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, if the pattern holds, we won't be hearing from this OP (under that user name, in any case) again.

[Kelemvor]

I'm just at a loss really. I don't really know what to do. It seems like our marriage is up one minute and down the next. I slept in the guest room 2 nights, we slept in the same bed the 2 following nights after making up, then I'm back in the guest room tonight. I feel like i can't do anything right. I appreciate some of the previous comments but I simply can't divorce her while putting any blame on her whatsoever such as saying it was her degree of submissiveness, etc.. She's incredibly insecure and I just feel that any blame placed on her would be cruel and I should take all of it. After all, I really do feel like I'm not a great husband to a woman like this. She's ironically most men's dream in a wife, but just not mine unfortunately. I'm not even sure I'm very good husband material and I hate feeling like a failure at anything.

 

Thanks for the comments. We very well may be headed for a divorce but I hate quitting on anything and I hate feeling like a failure most of all.

[Stung]

You are not going to have even the hope of breaking this cycle without turning your gaze inward, K, which you have said you refuse to do.

 

Are you still resolutely against both individual therapy and marriage counseling?

[Kelemvor]

You are not going to have even the hope of breaking this cycle without turning your gaze inward, K, which you have said you refuse to do.

 

Are you still resolutely against both individual therapy and marriage counseling?

 

Stung, I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that we've done multiple marriage counseling sessions and I've done 2-3 individual sessions. The shrink basically says that we are two completely different individuals, different backgrounds, different families, etc.. but like all shrinks probably would never come out and say "you two just make a bad pair!", but instead keeps re-iterating "it's just going to take lots of hard work...". As for me, he admits that I have issues with intimacy, at least emotional, and in trusting people due to being ostracized by my family at a young age, but at the same time it's not like any of this has kept me from reasonably healthy and satisfying relationships in the past. I've never had a problem attracting women or maintaining relationships in the past... it's just that they usually ended with me not willing to commit to marriage. My current wife is wonderful, but also very hypersensitive, clingy, focuses on all the negatives in her life, high maintenance and not a very good friend or someone that I feel as if I could ever be "best friends" with even though I seem to remember feeling that way many years ago when we were younger and each different in our own ways.

 

Look, I'll freely admit that I'm committed to my career and that it supersedes most things in my life but at the same time, I don't see how it can't. I have a job that is extremely unforgiving of mistakes and I simply am expected to be perfect in everything I do which requires a lot of concentration and outside reading/study, staying up to date on everything. I feel that it just goes with the territory. It's not that I'm necessarily unhappy or disappointed that she's not as career oriented as I am, it's just that those were my happiest relationships with others who were career driven and understood the time and personal sacrifices and didn't take it personal if I needed 3 days to myself or needed to lock myself in the study for a few hours, or was too tired from unexpected things at work that day and needed to cancel plans that we had made that night. I simply can't control these things. Regardless, I always have an upbeat personality and focus on the positives in life but I'm with someone who focuses on all her negatives in life which obviously makes her miserable and moping around in a funk 95% of the time. That's literally the only person I've known since we've been married which is depressing for a newly wed husband to have to reach back in the recesses of his memory to find the happy girl he once new, clinging to some hope that she could maybe be that person again. Is it me? Is it her? I simply don't know all the answers, but I'd hate to quit something that I wasn't sure could get better with time, but by the same token there comes a point where you just can't keep living a miserable life with someone thinking there's some way you can make them happy when possibly.. it's just YOU that makes them unhappy along with the life you've dragged them into.

 

I'm well aware of my skeletons and personal baggage, who doesn't have any of these things? However, I neither have the time nor energy nor will to have my psyche de-constructed and re-constructed at the age where I'm at. After all, some of my flaws make me good at what I do and I take pride in that.

 

I guess what makes me second guess things is that I see colleagues with what "seem" to be reasonably happy home lives and marriages, at least on the outside. Is it me? Am I just bad at this? Is it her? Are their wives more understanding and accepting of their situation? Who knows. I'm still trying to figure this all out, but I'm anything but some egomaniac narcissist with no regard for anyone but himself. I just don't want to be stuck in a bad and unhappy marriage, or even a mediocre one at that for the rest of my life.

 

I mean, I think what a few of you fail to realize is that there's a difference between experiencing a happy marriage and then failing to work at it to make it better once things go bad. That's a valid point. However, it's tough when you've been married and literally experienced nothing that makes you happy that you ever got married in the first place... constant struggle, constant stress, interspersed with happy moments but not enough to even come close to balancing the negatives. Then you're stuck in a completely different situation where you ask yourself... Is this "rough period" normal? Am I giving it enough time or effort? Where do you draw the line and say... Ok, enough is enough.. I've tried and nothing is improving this marriage to the point where I think it is sustainable to my expectations for life or freely admit to yourself that you would live an unhappier life with this person versus living single. It's tough to make those decisions, and is exactly what I'm struggling with.

 

I appreciate the feedback and I know none of you have any clear cut answers for me. This is more of an outlet for me than anything but it has given me food for thought. What I don't appreciate though are the insinuations that I'm lacking in my resolve to make this better, or am at fault because I'm even thinking of divorce. Put yourself in my shoes... How would you feel if you had been married and rarely known that other person to be anything other than unhappy and miserable, with constant bickering and fighting, and no progress with marriage counseling or therapy? Wouldn't you feel a little lost too? Can I help waking up and many times wishing I could re-wind time and NOT have gotten married? Then it's punctuated with...."well, just give it time, this sort of thing is normal when you first get married..." which is just so frustrating to hear from friends.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I just feel that any blame placed on her would be cruel and I should take all of it.

 

Where does "blame" come into it at all? You don't like her, you don't respect her, you are unfaithful, you are miserable, you are not interested in working to save the marriage - so divorce! "Blame" is not at play at all.

 

 

Stung, I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that we've done multiple marriage counseling sessions and I've done 2-3 individual sessions. The shrink basically says that we are two completely different individuals, different backgrounds, different families, etc.. but like all shrinks probably would never come out and say "you two just make a bad pair!", but instead keeps re-iterating "it's just going to take lots of hard work...".

 

You can't have very many marriage counseling sessions under your belt within the short time frame of your marriage - 10 months. Anyway, you've already called that quits, so why even bring it up.

 

I simply don't know all the answers, but I'd hate to quit something that I wasn't sure could get better with time

 

It won't "get better with time." It might get better with work and commitment which you are clearly not willing to put in (the "work" part is the part where you have to do all kinds of things that you don't feel like doing, and stick with them ... obviously not on your agenda)

 

but I'm anything but some egomaniac narcissist with no regard for anyone but himself

 

Really? That's how you've presented yourself here. And you've done a very thorough job of it! Though I do suspect that you might be more of a poor fiction writer than an egomaniacal narcissist. Or perhaps you're "working on research." Heh, heh.

 

 

What I don't appreciate though are the insinuations that I'm lacking in my resolve to make this better,

 

There have been no such "insinuations." You have stated outright in many different ways that you are absolutely lacking in resolve to make it better.

 

or am at fault because I'm even thinking of divorce.

 

I think most agree that you'd be doing your wife a big favor by divorcing, and yourself as well. Your marriage is practically a non-event, in the big picture - 10 months. She will probably find a man who will love being married to her and be happy someday soon, and you can focus on your career and yourself with no guilt about it. Yes, it will cause some pain, and it will be short lived.

 

Yawn.

[Kelemvor]

For starters, my post wasn't directed towards you Mme. Chaucer and I find your responses not very helpful and more than likely are benefitting you in writing them more than I am in reading them. Kindly become involved in another thread unless you have something more constructive to say. You strike me as a woman who has been burned by men once too often to be able to provide much helpful advice.

 

3 sessions together, 2 sessions by myself. It may not sound like a lot but when you work up to 80hrs a week, it's a feat in and of itself just to get an hour like that pencilled in to an incredibly chaotic and unpredictable schedule.

[SunKnight]

In the end a relationship should be fun and a home sanctuary from life. If you are already having to work so hard at it, you should move on, and quick, so as not to waste time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

For starters, my post wasn't directed towards you Mme. Chaucer and I find your responses not very helpful and more than likely are benefitting you in writing them more than I am in reading them. Kindly become involved in another thread unless you have something more constructive to say

3 sessions together, 2 sessions by myself. It may not sound like a lot but when you work up to 80hrs a week, it's a feat in and of itself just to get an hour like that pencilled in to an incredibly chaotic and unpredictable schedule.

 

I'm a member of LoveShack, so your post was directed at me as much as anybody.

 

You strike me as a woman who has been burned by men once too often to be able to provide much helpful advice.

 

Haha! Where did this come from?

 

Divorce your wife! 10 months of marriage after a "whirlwind courtship" will be something she's over in the blink of an eye, and while she moves on to find a happy relationship, you can fulfill your career goals and enjoy your fine self.

 

It will soon be like you were never married. You might even be able to get an annulment.

 

I do have two questions, though:

 

1) Why do you write "feel free to judge" and then get your little panties all in a twist when you don't like what someone has to say?

 

2) How's the () "research" going?

[lordWilhelm]

Mme Chaucer, perhaps you're taking this a bit too far. The OP also strikes me as being self-centred and does have a tendency to respond strongly when he feels "attacked", but your latest response is just pure flaming.

 

To the OP, Mme Chaucer does make a valid point. You haven't given a single reason why you'd like to stay married -- I haven't heard any positives from you about your wife. Maybe you can go back and think why you got married to her in the first place? Are any of those reasons still valid? Have you had a discussion with her about your feelings on the marriage -- how about in MC? The way things stand, the only reason for staying married is not to "crush" your wife. Look, you're putting absolutely no priority on this marriage and you cheated on her. Of course she gets these vibes from you which contribute to her general unhappiness. Unless you do something constructive like opening up yourself in MC or with her, you're only prolonging her unhappiness with the status quo.

 

The most damning thing from my point of view, is you cheater on her after being married less than 10 months and yet you don't seem regretful but rather you're justifying yourself.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I'm just at a loss really. I don't really know what to do. It seems like our marriage is up one minute and down the next. I slept in the guest room 2 nights, we slept in the same bed the 2 following nights after making up, then I'm back in the guest room tonight. I feel like i can't do anything right. I appreciate some of the previous comments but I simply can't divorce her while putting any blame on her whatsoever such as saying it was her degree of submissiveness, etc.. She's incredibly insecure and I just feel that any blame placed on her would be cruel and I should take all of it. After all, I really do feel like I'm not a great husband to a woman like this. She's ironically most men's dream in a wife, but just not mine unfortunately. I'm not even sure I'm very good husband material and I hate feeling like a failure at anything.

 

Thanks for the comments. We very well may be headed for a divorce but I hate quitting on anything and I hate feeling like a failure most of all.

 

Well then why don't you divorce her WITHOUT placing the blame on her???

 

And you not being very good husband material is an the understatement of the century and yes, I think that your dilemma is mostly about you hating to fail at something. You want to be in control and you are in your job but in love you don't get anywhere by being a heartless robot. Has it never crossed your mind that the reason why you did not marry one of your independent girlfriends is because you were way too afraid that they might dump you at some point? And therefore went for a woman of who you were sure that she really loved you to bits so that you had the upper hand in the relationship. Only to resent her for her insecurity but the way you treat her would make any woman insecure. She feels that you are not 100% in the marriage and especially for a newlywed this is very upsetting.

 

I think a guy like you should either do the hard work to entangle all his problems or get divorced and remain a bachelor with some superficial fun relationships.

 

What you are doing to your wife is emotional abuse. Be a man, grow up, swallow your pride and admit that you made a mistake by marrying your wife not because of her flaws but because of your own.

[paradiselost36]

Leave her she will be happier with your honesty, than your deception. You clearly do not need her love nor do you actually love her. You obviously need nothing nor gain nothing stimulating from this marriage so move on? and let her heal enabling her to move on too, devoting herself to you will destroy her when she eventually finds out how you truly feel towards her and trust me...she WILL find out in the end, thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Good luck!.

[PinkInTheLimo]

but at the same time it's not like any of this has kept me from reasonably healthy and satisfying relationships in the past. I've never had a problem attracting women or maintaining relationships in the past... it's just that they usually ended with me not willing to commit to marriage.

 

Hahaha. You not willing to commit to marriage was only a minor problem of course but it did each time end the relationship...

 

Regardless, I always have an upbeat personality and focus on the positives in life but I'm with someone who focuses on all her negatives in life which obviously makes her miserable and moping around in a funk 95% of the time.

 

Sorry but the way you rant here is everything but positive. You sound incredibly full of yourself and I wonder why you ever married your wife if you criticise her so much. She must have had something which made you marry her, no?

 

I'm well aware of my skeletons and personal baggage, who doesn't have any of these things? However, I neither have the time nor energy nor will to have my psyche de-constructed and re-constructed at the age where I'm at. After all, some of my flaws make me good at what I do and I take pride in that.

 

Yes, everybody has baggage but some more than others and your baggage makes you unfit for a loving relationship.

 

I'm still trying to figure this all out, but I'm anything but some egomaniac narcissist with no regard for anyone but himself.

 

I think that that is actually what your are. Really, you are so full of yourself, about your job, about how good you are at it, about how important it is.I don't underestimate what you do but you are still not Jezus Christ himself and you are also not on duty 24/24 and 7/7. Doctors also have holidays and weekends and colleagues who replace them.

[Allisha]

You've got two options.

 

 

- Divorce. You're not in love with her. You don't find her attractive. You've had an affair. It doesn't actually matter if YOU feel bad about it, the fact is, you broke your wedding vows and it is beyond disrespectful. She should be with someone who appreciates the effort she makes to make her husband happy.

 

- Seek help for your problems. If you truly want your marriage to work, this could be a way to move forward. Sometimes, no matter what, people are simply not meant for each other. Whereas sometimes, personal issues can be addressed and that person can learn to open up to others. Your fierce independence seems to be a MAJOR problem in your marriage.

 

Either way, you need to make a decision FAST.

You told us in your OP you don't feel the need or desire to address your issues, in which case, I advise divorce. What I don't get is how you can have time and energy to have a disrespectful affair, but don't have the time to work on yourself, the ONE thing that could save your marriage. As a medical student myself, I can understand the feelings/buzz of helping others. But I think you use that passion as an escape route for all of your issues, which simply isn't healthy. Perhaps it's time to help YOU now.

 

If you're willing, I think seeking help could be worth your while, if not for your marriage, then just simply to help you with the future. I don't believe divorce should be taken lightly, and should only be used when everything has been tried and failed.

 

Keep us posted, and good luck!

Edited June 17, 2011 by Allisha

[whichwayisup]

The OP also strikes me as being self-centred and does have a tendency to respond strongly when he feels "attacked",

 

As much as Kelemvor might be offending some people on here, I give him lots of kudos for being HONEST. Not only on here, but within himself. I don't think too many would even come close to admitting what he's admitted on here. We are his sounding board. Yes he is looking for answers, support and obviously he knows he's gonna get some flack for what he's said, but give the guy a chance. He is asking for help on how to handle this..It can't be easy, even if he's selfish and all.. He knows he cannot live like this anymore, it's killing him inside and I'm sure his wife is aware he's unhappy and I'm sure she's not too happy inside either but not saying so.

[Els]

As much as Kelemvor might be offending some people on here, I give him lots of kudos for being HONEST. Not only on here, but within himself. I don't think too many would even come close to admitting what he's admitted on here. We are his sounding board. Yes he is looking for answers, support and obviously he knows he's gonna get some flack for what he's said, but give the guy a chance. He is asking for help on how to handle this..It can't be easy, even if he's selfish and all.. He knows he cannot live like this anymore, it's killing him inside and I'm sure his wife is aware he's unhappy and I'm sure she's not too happy inside either but not saying so.

 

I think he would do well to make an appointment with a therapist or psychologist, to be honest. In some posts he can sound perfectly rational, the sort of OP we all wish to aid.. but when one tries he can just bristle up for no reason at all.

 

I would have been willing to help, but his very aggressive post in response to my attempts sort of dampened my interest to do so.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

K, you will find no comfort in 40-50 years from now in knowing you put all you had into your career...

 

You have choices to make here. One of the first ones should be your wife. If you have the ability to be so 'perfect' and do such a great job in all aspects of your life, why not the relationship with your wife? Because she is no longer a priority.

 

What you fail to realize my friend is that you are to blame for the shortcoming of your marriage. I am not there and I do not know all of the facts, I do not know all the shortcomings of your wife. I do not know your suffering and hardships. But I have seen it a hundred times. I bet you have too. You just fail to acknowledge it in yourself. You will only get out what you put in (actually it takes a lot of time to even get that back). Quite frankly, in my humble opinion, you are obviously checked out and working through the motions of moving on.

 

Please do prove me wrong. Not for me. For you. You'll really appreciate it as you get older. The successes in your personal life will become more relevant and important than today’s successes in your professional life.

 

As a matter of fact tomorrow is father's day and I am going to take some of that advice and apply it to my own life.

 

Best of luck...

[lordWilhelm]

Thanks for the comments. We very well may be headed for a divorce but I hate quitting on anything and I hate feeling like a failure most of all.

 

But that's the thing. It doesn't come across here like you tried at all. You went into the marriage with the wrong mind-set and placed it at the bottom of your priority list.

 

Someone else here mentioned you're going through the motions only and that's spot on. Your MC and IC are a good example of that -- you went to a few sessions but you refused to actually open yourself up.

[Kelemvor]

Thanks for the constructive comments, as someone said earlier...this is more of a sounding board and listening to feedback, and I've more than gotten that already, so thank you.

 

Mme Chaucer, I don't really have time to waste typing much else to you, other than like I said... kindly involve yourself somewhere else please. You seem overly spiteful and I truly don't care enough about your opinion nor have the energy to argue with you on here since that's not what brought me to this board.

 

For those curious... I've listened to all that you have offered and am still pondering things. It's tough when your life is kind of dominated by work and it's only on your few days off that you have to really sit down and think about some of this stuff. Me and my wife are doing a little better "at the moment" but it's still up and down. I talked to my priest who basically encouraged me to try to take out all the extraneous distractions out of my life and "live good" and give the marriage a chance for a short while before I made a decision either way so that I can say in good conscience that I gave it a shot. I thought that was good advice, and simple. My wife is great, with wonderful character qualities, I'm just worried sometimes that we are very incompatible and I don't think that is any particular one person's fault. I don't think its worth rehashing how we got here in the first place and how I could have avoided it, the fact of the matter is that we're here now...married to each other. Yes, I could probably use a few therapy sessions but I've learned to live with my own demons and consider us to all have skeletons in the closet. I'd like to keep mine there rather than deconstruct/reconstruct my psyche over the next 10 years. After all, I've tried hard to turn many of my weaknesses into strengths over the years and its gotten me this far and in some ways makes me better at what I do (work wise), but perhaps not so great as a husband. In the end, who knows, maybe she needs things from a husband, emotionally that I simply am not capable of giving without becoming someone that I'm not. There's no shame in that, I don't think, but I do agree that it's something I should decide sooner rather than later so no I won't drag this out but I do want to give it a shot. I don't want to look back and wonder if I threw in the towel too early.

 

As an aside, the reason I've responded harshly at times is primarily the insinuations that I take my wife for granted and don't do things like help out around the house or make small efforts, etc.. which I do. I'm not a heartless and completely selfish person. I do have ethical and moral qualities, and an affair that I'm regretful about does not negate those things. After all, I didn't even go into medicine for prestige or money as I had a perfectly happy and successful career before all that, I did it for more altruistic idealistic notions than anything else although medicine is nothing like what I thought it would be. As to the person who mentioned that doc's have weekends and plenty of time off too, not true at all. Especially those of us in specialties where we work days, nights, holidays, and weekends, always alternating and have to work long and hard hours to pay off education loans that exceed 300K. The schedule in and of itself makes relationships and family life difficult, so I should have mentioned that in the beginning. That part, I really don't have any control over though. Some of my work colleagues seems to be able to do it with no problem though so that makes me wonder if it's more of an issue with myself despite the scheduling, etc.. challenges.

 

Anyway, please don't feel the need to keep posting and thanks again for the helpful posters. After all, that's why I came on this board, to seek advice, and constructive advice at that, not for anybody to defend my actions or be unceasingly harangued.

 

I'll keep you updated. I do love her, I'm just not "in love" with her, but am trying to find that part of myself again. Everyone is different though, those of you that think of me as this cold and unfeeling, selfish individual have to realize that I've had most of the people in my life, family included all turn their back on me at one point or another. It's hard to love...really deeply love when you have a difficult time trusting anyone other than yourself. You live so long like this, hardened and even a little cold, if you will, that you forget entirely or don't realize what "normal" is really. It's an entirely subjective thing. This whole marriage process and realizing that another person's emotional needs are not anything like my own and not used to, or even comfortable opening up and truly "needing" someone else where you felt like you couldn't live without them just is alien to me and has been most of my life. "Marriage" means different things to different people, so remember that before you judge me so harshly. No, I didn't marry for this profound and deep love relationship, I married for a family because I thought that's what you're supposed to do. I thought that was a key to happiness and fulfillment, raising kids and teaching them, experiencing a family, "loving" the other person in your own way, providing for your wife and family, etc.. Some people need an enormous amount of emotional investment in the relationship to be happy, but not all men and women feel this way and are perfectly happy when they don't have to give all of that, nor do they require it. It doesn't make the relationship any less "satisfying" because after all, that's subjective isn't it? That's what I mean in that I've had much happier relationships in the past, and these were women that really wanted to get married for many of the same reasons that I did but were more in line with my life philosophy than diametrically opposed to it.

 

Someone asked if I married my current wife because she was so smitten and I wouldn't have to worry about her leaving me. You don't quite grasp my personality, which is perfectly fine. The thing that bothers me is just that... that if she left me, I would be perfectly fine! That's the part that's disturbing.

 

Anyway, enough about me, it looks like plenty of other people on this board have their own gigantic issues, even larger than my own to worry about. Again, thanks for the constructive posts. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Kelemvor]

But that's the thing. It doesn't come across here like you tried at all. You went into the marriage with the wrong mind-set and placed it at the bottom of your priority list.

 

Someone else here mentioned you're going through the motions only and that's spot on. Your MC and IC are a good example of that -- you went to a few sessions but you refused to actually open yourself up.

 

Not bottom of the list, just not at the top. My therapist said marriage doesn't have to be at the top for everyone, because we're all different and that's one thing that is very different about the two of us (wife and I), so I don't necessarily see an issue with my priorities, it's just who I am.

 

 

Opening up? Oh hell, I don't know. I felt like I opened up, as much as I could. I don't particularly like shrinks in the first place, do I need to? I went though, as an effort to try something different and have been willing to try the things that I feel capable of trying, but no I don't want to talk about my mother, childhood, dreams, or cry about any past traumatic events in my life. It's not me, period. I don't want to be purged of all my pain, I even need my pain, am not looking for zen, and think we're all screwed up in one way or another. I am though, making an attempt which I think is what matters most.