Glinda Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I've heard and read that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference, and indifference must be achieved for moving on. Healing is said to be achieved when one is able to wish the party that hurt you well. These statements do not coincide in my mind. True indifference is not having an opinion either way whether the party that hurt you does well or otherwise. What is indifference to you? Do you feel the need to be indifferent to move on?
Elisa89 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I definitely do not need to feel indifference to move on. If that were the case, I would never be able to move on from anything. For me, indifference is when I have no feelings at all when thinking about this person. I have moved on when I can say that I'm feeling good and it doesn't influence my feelings where the other person is with me or not.
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I do think indifference is required to move on. I consider indifference to my ex to be that of what I feel for a stranger - I wouldn't wish them harm, I hope they do have a happy life but I'm not really invested in it or working to make sure that they do. I think to be truly over your ex you have to feel this way. If you still have jealousy or hate or true anger lingering around I don't think anyone is over anything. Only when indifferent.
Frank13 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I think to be truly over your ex you have to feel this way. If you still have jealousy or hate or true anger lingering around I don't think anyone is over anything. Only when indifferent. What about if you have a soft spot for them in your heart? Like maybe they are a good friend?
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 What about if you have a soft spot for them in your heart? Like maybe they are a good friend? IMO this is totally possible. The tricky part is when people try to be "friends" with their ex too soon. People often lie to themselves about being friends with their ex only to maintain a foot in the door to their life or to get them back. If you're over your ex....friendship is possible. In my experience it's pretty rare that an ex can continue to be a close friend.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 What is indifference to you? Do you feel the need to be indifferent to move on? Wrt intimate relationships, for myself, it's simply a matter of two dimensional versus three dimensional. Two dimensional is like a picture on a wall. Nice to look at perhaps, but flat and without depth. When the body of the picture rises above the surface, due to any number of factors, attraction, attachment and love being amongst them, it takes on more meaning. It rises in importance. If I am indifferent to someone, they are afforded the same human dignity and respect which caused me to respond to your post. Other than that, they occupy no space in my thoughts, no place in my heart and no meaning in my soul. Two dimensional.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 The "wishing your ex well" in the scenario is not literal--it's figurative. The bottom line is disengaging entirely. I don't know if I buy indifference as being the opposite of love but it is a healthful way to see things. After we break up with someone it is only ourselves who can continue the hurt.
Stung Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I wish pretty much everybody well, in a kind of benign indifference. Why would I wish a stranger harm, so that they can go on to inflict harm on others? These social cycles tend to perpetuate themselves. Anyway, I still respect them as human beings and pieces of my past mosaic, even if I don't care if I ever actually see them again. I am romantically indifferent to my exes, even the ones I am still friends with. I don't feel any little tugs or flashes of jealousy or hurt when they have new girlfriends, or when they get married, or when they have babies...I'm happy for them, the way I would be happy for anyone else. When they suffer breakups, I don't have any little sparkles of triumph or harbor any secret hopes that we'll get back together, I am indifferent to all of that. They might as well be neutered Ken dolls as far as my personal interest to any of their romantic affairs goes. Other exes with whom I have less friendly contact I am more classically indifferent to, on a broader scale. I don't really think about them at all and if I hear about them the news doesn't particularly impact me in any way at all. Except for once, when I heard that one of them had died. That did effect me more than hearing about the death of a total stranger, since I had dated him and slept with him and felt strongly for him at one time, and he was still friends with somebody close to me. It was sad, and I spent a little time thinking back on the time that we were together and putting things in perspective, but I didn't have to take time off of work due to grieving or anything. I do have one ex whom I used to have a lot of anger and vitriol towards. I actively wished him ill for a long time, and with damn good reason which I won't go into here. Suffice it to say he impacted my life in a very negative way and it took me a long time to get over it--not him, but the dark repercussions he had on my life. He was not a good person and I was scarred and vengeful. Now...I don't know. It's been a long time and I don't expend that kind of mental or emotional energy on him anymore, I just dont' think he's worth it and I have much better things to think about. I don't wish him harm, but I don't exactly wish him well either. I guess I hope he's had some personal growth and maybe become a better man for the sake of other women everywhere.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I neglected the 'do you need to feel indifferent to move on?' part.... IME, not having felt entirely indifferent, in one circumstance, was the impetus to many years of emotional stalemate. Fortunately, marriage and divorce helped resolve all these dynamics to indifference in one big messy dynamic and I can safely say, for myself, that indifference is paramount to moving on in a healthy way.
milkmaterial Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 i tried to be indifferent but it made me suffer, so when i had the opportunity to treat him like a human being and a friend i grabbed it. the sad part was, i kept getting lured in and kicked out, he would talk to me excitedly one minute then just drop me the next (completely ignore me out of the blue). even if we never had a past, it would still hurt to be treated that way. i think he killed off whatever was left in me for him by treating me rudely. i think we need to teach people how to treat us, and treat them like how they are treating us.
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