Partner and Lover keeps me a secret from friends

[StarryNightSky]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been looking around the site for a bit but this would be my first post. I wanted to write here and ask everyone advise on what I should do.

 

I can say that I have found others who have posted on some similar issues, like boyfriends not introducing them to family and friends, but my relationship is a little different, and I'm not sure if I should take the same advise.

 

I started seeing someone almost nine months ago. We went to the same college, he just graduated this semester. He is 22 and I am 19, turning 20 in a few months. Our relationship started more like friends with benefits or just messing around. We spoke often, hung out, I was very honest from the beginning about my past relationships, and our relationship developed.

 

This was at a point in my life when I wasn't necessarily looking for anything with anyone, but one month passed and then another and another with him.

 

He currently lives with his mother, and I have met her. I get along very well with her, and I have spent more than a few nights iin his home since we began seeing each other. The issue is not with his family but with his friends. And the reason why he insists that it be kept secret or on the "DL" as he put its.

 

The thing is we have a great number of friends in common, actually most of his 'closer' friends in college are also my friends, since we run in similar circles.

 

I have found that the longer I am with him, the more attached I am to him. Which of course seems obvious. We normally tend to be very straight forward with each other and discuss all the things that bother us about the relationship, but I feel unsure about this because I think it is the one thing one my part that would MAKE me leave him.

I have tried to understand and have been fine with keeping our relationship private and not letting anyone know. However the longer I am with him, the less fine I am with it. He says it is because he likes his privacy, and maybe he is right and that's a good thing. But experience tells me the complete opposite.

 

The man I am seeing now, I am unable to call a boyfriend, simply because he isn't. He has incredible standards of what is a girlfriend and when I approached him with the subject of giving whatever relationship we have a name he managed to assuage me to just let what ever we have develop, that we didn't have to add the additional stress of a title like girlfriend/boyfriend to the mix.

 

But that leaves me even more confused about what we have. Then again, right this second I no longer want to be considered a girlfriend. But the fact that none of our friends know we even see or date each other bothers me. It has always bothered me but I always manage to put it to the side and not think about it too much.

 

However when I had been asked, by people and some of my friends lately that I do not believe know him, I felt fine mentioning what my "boyfriend's name" was and how long been seeing each other. But at his graduation a girl I didn't believe knew him approached him and asked him if he was seeing me or possibly if he was my boyfriend. Which he of course he denied.

 

He then confronted me about it, and said he was unhappy with me when it came to that. He asked me why I did it, and I told hm that I didn't feel like lying to people that I did not believe knew him that I was seeing someone on our campus with his name. He said that was a horrible excuse, and that I should have just said I was seeing some guy who did not go to our college.

 

But it's not just an excuse, I feel it is the truth. And the denying me to anyone and everyone socially, I have already seen and experienced. This is what I meant when I said that although I sort of agree and understand his point of view, experience has taught me other wise.

 

In a past relationship, actually my first relationship which lasted all through high school, the boy I was seeing did this exact thing. I met his family but according to everyone in our high school, there was absolutely so connection between me and him. He said our relationship should be like this because of the same thing, to keep our private life, private.

 

It ended up that he was seeing four different girls at the same. So not only did he lie and cheat, but in all the years I was with him, even though I sort of knew he was bad for me and maybe cheating, I stayed because I foolishly believed I was in love, and tried to excuse everything I didn't like in our relationship away. But because of it, my self esteem and self worth greatly suffered. I felt as if he was ashamed and embarrassed to be associated with me. I felt as if I wasn't worth dating, seeing or even worth being the girlfriend of anyone. And this is the exact same way I feel now and more so the longer I stay with my current partner.

 

However I feel unable to put both of these men completely in the same category. I don't think I can apply everything to the man I am seeing now. I do not believe he is seeing other girls, (I had a feeling with my first boyfriend). But what I do believe is that because my current partner considers himself technically "single" and "free", and the same of me, he would have a guilt free conscious if he did decide to mess around with another girl.

 

But my problem isn't only that, because it is just a small problem in addition to what I feel is my bigger problem. In denying me so completely to friends and acquaintances and having such a need to have our relationship a secret because of his need for "privacy". I once again am starting to feel like the person I care sooo much about is ashamed and embarrassed to be with me.

 

And I PROMISED myself, that if anyone made me feel that way again, and put my self esteem and self worth at risk, that I would not continue this relationship. So now, I don't know what to do.

 

I feel like I should tell him all this and ask him if we could find a halfway point because I can't do things the way he wants anymore. It all bothers, upsets and hurts me too much to do so. But I feel if I tell him this, it is going to be more of an ultimatum.

 

There is a chance I will either again be assuaged (momentarily) to his point of view and stay with him on his terms for a while longer. A small chance we might find a half way point to meet on this issue. Or what I feel is more likely, that we will simply stop seeing each other.

 

I want more, I'm not saying I want a guy who wants to shout that we are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend from the top of every roof top and mountaintop, but someone who is maybe more willing to admit to seeing me if asked, just someone who is more open to it in general.

 

So, now I pose the question to all of you who cared enough to read, what should I do?

 

Thank you, to all of you who read and have any advise, it is greatly appreciated.

[vsmini]

Same thing happened to me and I made excuses near and far to still stick with him. LEAVE HIM.

 

Don't try to convince him or bend over backwards to make him think he should be your boyfriend - he doesn't want to be? his loss.

 

Don't pressure him anymore - you want a relationship? He won't give it to you? walk away. Srsly. Been there...and I would do anything to go back in time and tell him like it is the first day I caught him lying abuot me.

[reobiaFib]

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[carhill]

See also this thread.

Welcome to LS. Try to keep thread topics in one particular area. The moderators frown on cross-posting similar threads across forums.

 

For him, 'down low' means you still are FWB and not 'official' and 'public'. End the FWB and invite him to date you properly.

[whichwayisup]

He's a player. He doesn't want anybody to know about you because it ruins his chances of ONS's with other girls and/or doesn't want any long term commimttment/marriage down the road.

 

I am sorry to say this, but since this guy DENIED that he's dating you to another girl, DUMP him. I know you love him and all, but he is not treating you well at all. If he let himself fall in love with you, that's a different story all together but it seems he's not and he's just enjoying things on his terms, not yours. You want bf/gf status, rightfully so after 9 months!!

[Star Gazer]

Personally, I would never in a million years tolerate it. But I have two anecdotes for you.

 

The first is my BFF. She met G in college, where they had the same major, and a large group of mutual friends. They started hooking up/dating, but he forbade her from telling anyone. A year in, when she let it slip to someone, he broke up with her for a couple weeks. Then they got back together, as an official couple. A year later, they graduated and moved in together. 2 years later, they got engaged. They've now been married 4.5 years. (But, I'm not sure they're exactly happily married.)

 

The second is my ex-roommate. She had a massive crush on her muy thai instructor, E, and drove waaaaaaaaay out of her way to attend his classes. Eventually, they became "friends" on MySpace, and she confessed her crush to him. He confessed similar feelings, and next thing I knew, he was knocking on our door at 9 at night and leaving at midnight after he got his fill. She'd also go over to his place at 8 and leave around midnight when he told her to go home. (Classic booty call "situation," not exactly a "relationship.") They would occasionally go out on "date-like" things, but their relationship was also a secret to all of their mutual friends - BUT not his friends, or hers - just the mutual friends. This went on for a year, until she finally wrote him a heartfelt letter saying, "We either become a real couple, or this is over, out in the open, with everyone, officially as BF/GF, I can't do it anymore." He responded by proposing to her a few weeks later in front of their muy thai class, including all the people he had been hiding their relationship from. They are now living happily ever after.

 

Neither of the above would ever be fulfilling to me, even if it worked out in the end, because I wouldn't be trusting of his feelings for me.

[StarryNightSky]

I understand what you mean Star Gazer, but what your also telling me is giving me hope that that is so, in my case. However, I somehow doubt that it is.

 

I wish I was stronger like you, and I promise that I will soon enough never tolerate it any longer if it were to face the same situation again. I don't plan on continuing this behavior of mine, for the sake of someones feelings or needs when mine are just as important and worthwhile to consider.

 

I don't exactly want to lose him, but I have come to the conclusion that I will eventually be alright if I do. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me enough, or value me enough to do that one thing that can so easily remedy the hurt he is making me feel.

 

Thank you for the advise. I really appreciate and value the thoughts of everyone who took the time to consider my situation.

[Clyde_C]

"I want my privacy" is a terrible excuse. Is he trying to say he's embarassed about the fact he is dating somebody? Guys don't hide that sort of thing. They brag it up and use it to make them feel superior to guys who go dateless. I most certainly believe this guy wants to hide things for the same reason that other guy in your past did. If not because he doesn't want his other girlfriends to find out, then it's because he wants to keep his options open, and that is still most certainly unfair to you.

 

It would be better to get him to tell you where you two stand, because what he is doing right now is not making you happy, and people shouldn't do that to people they love. Why should he get what he wants while you get shuffled off to the side like some dirty secret? I know it's hard to see somebody you care about as a potential jerk, but you don't deserve what he is doing to you. I wish you luck, regardless of how everything turns out.