emilyfire Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 So...i met someone 3 months ago, online...wasn't sure i was ready to date (separated in november), but this guy was persistent and patient. We finally met and hit it off in every way, started seeing each other regularly ...he said and showed me lots of things that made me feel he was completely smitten with me ("you're exactly what i'm looking for). Then last week i was kind of irked that he didn't stay overnight after a date and acted kind of childish (left without kissing him goodnight when he dropped me off). I texted him and said if he wasn't interested any more, he could just tell me...he said it was nothing like that at all...he was on call for work and didn't have his work clothes with him. The next day he said he'd come over if i wanted...i said maybe later but didn't call him back. Next day he asked 'what happened to later?' I explained that i got busy, sorry. Over the week we texted a bit and in one convo he said he felt like he was getting 'too attached' and that he needed to focus on work (he was taking time off to get to know me and was starting to get called in for jobs less and less so was starting to freak out). Anyway, last Friday he said he was going out of town for the weekend...haven't heard from him since. So...one week in total. Of course i sent him a text on Wednesday asking if everything was ok. As i'm typing this i'm already hearing the responses...but i'll ask...what do i do now? Have i been dumped?
Author emilyfire Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Anyone? I'm sooo tempted to text him, but i know it's probably wrong, and i don't know what to say anyway. I'm scared it will be too emotional...i miss him :/
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 The next day he said he'd come over if i wanted...i said maybe later but didn't call him back You guys both sound like you're doing some kind of game/power struggle thing. Too much texting too. These should be phone calls. If he's ignoring you then take it as a sign that he's not that interested and move on.
Author emilyfire Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 So if it is a power struggle...aside from 'moving on' even though i really adore him...is there anything i can do or say to clear up this misunderstanding? I guess it has been a long time since i've dated...are men really this deceptive? I got nothing from him that even hinted that he wasn't completely into me...he was super romantic, gentlemanly and always eager to see me. Did i mess up by doing that one stupid thing? Are people really that unforgiving? I'm trying to have faith in humanity here but i find this possible 'toying with emotions' to be more than a little scary. I have heard/read the 'men pull back when they get close,' etc etc etc...but i want to believe this isn't really just more typical behaviour. Mainly cos i don't think i can go thru this over and over again.
Author emilyfire Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Please keep me from contacting him!! Or help me say the right thing?
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 geez i thought you guys would have tons of good advice...seeing as this site is all about dating and whatnot...
heartshaped Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 So I'm guessing he didn't respond to you on Wednesday?
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 nope. we haven't talked or texted for a week (well he hasn't, i have). i wish he wouldn't have said 'i don't want to lose you tho,' last week when i asked him what he wanted...that's the stupid thing that is keeping me hanging even tho i realize he's treating me with disrespect. he'd have to have some major convoluted reason for me to forgive this behaviour.
Fondue Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Just from your thread alone, I see you got some issues. You keep replying to your own thread none-stop, demanding advice. It's a reflection of your personality. From what you told us, you're the kind of girl that is "my way or the highway." The guy didn't stay the night, so you got pissy and acted out. He "used" to be smitten with you and gave you the attention you waned, and now that you gave him lip, he's pulling back. So yet again, you're stressing and are begging for his attention (and trying to control yourself from contacting HIM and then expecting his attention/adornment). Calm down, is my advice.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 i wanted advice yesterday because i was perilously close to sending him a text...i kept bumping this up for that reason. then i went out for the rest of the day and got over the desire to do it. ...and he did offer to come over the next day, so he didn't pull back after the night i was 'pissy.' and i agree, i was pissy...i felt kind of rejected cos we are usually all over each other. is that not forgivable? i also think he wants the 'upper hand' because we've discussed that i have been the one in control of relationships in my past (which i didn't like, to be honest)
Fondue Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 i wanted advice yesterday because i was perilously close to sending him a text...i kept bumping this up for that reason. then i went out for the rest of the day and got over the desire to do it. ...and he did offer to come over the next day, so he didn't pull back after the night i was 'pissy.' and i agree, i was pissy...i felt kind of rejected cos we are usually all over each other. is that not forgivable? I'll tell you this: If you got upset with me for not wanting to have sex with you, I'd kick you to the curb. That's just immature. Figure it this way: If I wanted to have sex with you, you said no, and I got upset over it, wouldn't you want to get rid of me, too? It's a huge sign of immaturity.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 i told him it had nothing to do with sex...i was just surprised he didn't want to stay over that's all. so that's it...i blew it by that one action then? that's all it takes to make a guy 'kick you to the curb,' even tho you get along great otherwise... and no...i held off having sex with him for many many dates and he pouted, but i didn't 'kick him to the curb' because he wanted me...wth?
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 ...anyway...can this be fixed, should i even try to fix it or will it merely appear desperate to him? i feel bad that i acted that way, i feel bad that i didn't have him over the next day when he offered, and now i feel stupid that we've been texting when we should have been really talking to each other. i'd just hate to lose him over some stupid misunderstandings. the last message i sent was a sorry for whatever i did to make him unwilling to even talk any more....
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 You guys both sound like you're doing some kind of game/power struggle thing. Too much texting too. These should be phone calls. If he's ignoring you then take it as a sign that he's not that interested and move on. This. And, this: You keep replying to your own thread none-stop, demanding advice. It's a reflection of your personality. I get that you like him, but "adore"? You have known him for ONE WEEK. The above behavior probably made him decide to cut his losses, but if that is not the case, he knows your phone number. Next time you meet a guy you like, please don't play childish games or be inappropriately demanding, to have the best possible outcome.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 i've known him for three months, what are you talking about?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Sorry, I just tried to edit that from my post but it was too late. I am aware that you've known him for 3 months, and it's been a week since your "problem." Anyway, the rest of my post still stands.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) i didn't realize i was playing games...we'd been out having drinks that night, i over-reacted, we talked about it the next day and all seemed ok as he wanted to come over. i didn't have him over because i got busy and i was burned out from spending the weekend going out and hanging out with him and had things to do... so according to all of you, i can blame myself for everything. so i'm wrong in believing that a man who truly likes you and who is possibly more mature (apparently) wouldn't take the time to actually talk about this and give me another chance? this is what i can expect in the future if i ever make another stupid mistake? Edited June 4, 2011 by emilyfire
heartshaped Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I don't believe your to blame in all of this. I think it's really simple actually; you showed a side of yourself that he didn't like and didn't want to deal with so he bailed. It's just that simple. He wasn't too interested in you besides if it just takes something like that for him to not talk to you anymore. I think you'd do well just to go no contact and move on.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 yes, that's what i said...i acted like an *******...so it's all my fault and unforgivable. it also seems to me that NC is a form of game playing as well, and very passive...sit back and see if he's willing to come back, meanwhile so much time goes by you both just say screw it, by now he/she is so pissed off it will just turn into a bigger cluster****...no? it bothers me that i can't clear this up, or if i try it will just possibly make things worse. instead of looking like a mature and decent woman it will make me look needy and desperate. geezus i hate dating, i forgot how bloody lame it all is. ...and why say 'i don't want to lose you tho...' if you don't mean it at all?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I don't think people are saying it is all your "fault." You can only do something about your own behavior, though. Like the other poster said, I believe that this behavior you're showing here (making a thread and replying to it nonstop) probably manifests in real life with other people, along with some of the, sorry, but extreme game playing stuff you did, which you shared: (left without kissing him goodnight when he dropped me off). I texted him and said if he wasn't interested any more, he could just tell me...he said it was nothing like that at all...he was on call for work and didn't have his work clothes with him. The next day he said he'd come over if i wanted...i said maybe later but didn't call him back. Next day he asked 'what happened to later?' I explained that i got busy, sorry. Is really not conducive to starting off a great relationship. Even if you handle yourself very well, there are no guarantees. But we can at least work on how we do handle ourselves and deal with the people we become close to.
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 bah...and i'm still completely torn 50/50 on whether to just give up or ask him to meet me so we can clear this nonsense up.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 bah...and i'm still completely torn 50/50 on whether to just give up or ask him to meet me so we can clear this nonsense up. Well, if you do meet with him - how are you going to reconcile the fact that he chose to stop contacting you for a week? Are you going to hold it against him if he still wants to be your boyfriend (or whatever)? Are you going to be okay with him going incommunicado if he is annoyed, or whatever? How are you going to act if he sometimes doesn't want to spend the night with you and if his work obligations seem to be interfering with your time together?
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 I don't think people are saying it is all your "fault." You can only do something about your own behavior, though. Like the other poster said, I believe that this behavior you're showing here (making a thread and replying to it nonstop) probably manifests in real life with other people, along with some of the, sorry, but extreme game playing stuff you did, which you shared: i had no idea that was extreme game playing...a bad reaction, yes! i didn't have him over the next day because i have a bloody life too...wth? i thought women were supposed to, if not have a life, appear to have one so it doesn't look like your life revolves around them? and i'm sitting here reading these forums and waiting to go out...excuse me for watching my thread, i am seeking advice after all...
Author emilyfire Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Well, if you do meet with him - how are you going to reconcile the fact that he chose to stop contacting you for a week? Are you going to hold it against him if he still wants to be your boyfriend (or whatever)? Are you going to be okay with him going incommunicado if he is annoyed, or whatever? How are you going to act if he sometimes doesn't want to spend the night with you and if his work obligations seem to be interfering with your time together? if becoming incommunicado is a pattern, no i won't stand for it. but i'll definitely be on my best behaviour from here on in, cos geezus...if you act emotional in any way, it's def enough to send them running innit? his work is important to him, or so i thought, until he kept taking days off to hang out with me to get to know me...that obviously didn't serve him well.
heartshaped Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Don't be so hard on yourself. But I do get the sense that you are a tad overemotional and impulsive, you have to get that in check. Nothing scares a man away quicker than a woman that acts irrational or needy or desperate. Do not contact this man further. He isn't interested. He's showed that by not responding. Contacting him further will only make you feel worse and look more desperate.
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