Broken526 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend since 17 years old for almost 4 years. I was independent+focused, but had childhood traumas. I met him at summer job, he loved me so much. But I was always insecure + unable to express feelings. I love him, but I unintentionally mistreat him. This interracial relationship went on, he left family to move in with me near my school but hrs of ttc for him to his, I demanded more, and 2 years ago we broke up, I left Canada for 4 months to heal, but once he contacted me, I felt my entire defence collapsed, I came back. we couldn't stay apart, we fight+argue, but we'd still go out of our way for each other. I just had 2nd abortion since 2008, this time I decided without asking him. perhaps I felt I was getting somewhere in life, or just not willing to give up all for him anymore. I thought I needed him, but now I realize, I let go all hurtful things he did/said just for I can't bare to imagine him giving all his love to another person. in past months, I woke up early daily to drive him from downtown to uptown for work regardless how tired or sick I felt during pregnancy, picked him up for it to be raining, midnight or w/e...i was there. i know he did a lot too, but when we fight, he'd say hurtful things or even get violent if I push his buttons. There was my birthday last week, and he did so much to make my dream party happen on beach, but I swore and pushed him in beginning when I saw people there who I didn't know or invite. he took all my drunken bs...things went well, or at least I thought. except next day when I woke him up, he suddenly said "ok I did what you asked, you got what you bargained for, now get out of my life, I want my freedom." Since then, he's been cold. he went to work on his own, I went back to my mom's house. I called that night, worrying how he‘d go home after tiring day of work, he didn't pick up. I called his coworker to ask so I don't drive down for nothing. but he called screaming and swearing at me for calling his coworker to get a hold of him. I didn't go. I didn't go to school, again my life fell apart. Next day I don't know why I drove down to his work beforehand just wanting to see him, I was afraid of how panel meeting might turn out...but he was frustrated and mad, School laid sanctions of plagiarism, for the paper I wrote in car daily morning dropping/picking him for work, I was tired, pregnant and didn't pay attention to sourcing, ended up facing plagiarism in you of T. Now my graduation, course credit, law school application are affected. When I need him most he's not there, he doesn't even know. I tried to call him again, but no response. I didn't go home or see him again. I was wrong and careless. I know I have issues from past and it's unfair to seek compensation from him, but I just wish things are OK and he's still there...why do I not function when we fight? How could he do this when I'm going through so much? Did he forget all those times I was there for him? What now?
PelicanPete Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It sounds like your relationship was very hot/cold, and nothing really inbetween. You guys would fight, and then do big things to try to make it up to eachother, and when those deeds ran their course it returned to fighting. I know it's difficult, but try to take his words at face value and start to move on. It sounds like he wants time away from you, and anything you do to try to prevent that will only push him further away. A relationship can't live off nice gestures if there isn't a solid foundation before that. You eventually lose motivation to do nice things for them if it's the only thing keeping things a float, and you'll sink back into fighting. In relationships like that if there isn't a constant and equal flow of give and take, people get frustrated and lash out. My advice to you would be respect his words and space yourself from him. Let yourself grow and change from the experience and really take a look at your relationship. If he decides to come back one day, the choice is yours whether you want to continue a relationship with him, or move on.
Author Broken526 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 So ..I'm supposed to let it go completely? Just hide at mom's place and deal with all the school penalties by myself? I can't even get to tell him what I'm going through? I can't even go home?
PelicanPete Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It is your schooling not his, so essentially you would already be dealing with it by yourself. He is not the key to your happiness, you are. You don't need my permission to return to your own home, but there is a large reason why you aren't there in the first place. What would serve the purpose of telling him what's going on? Are you hoping to guilt trip him into not being angry anymore? If you do that and succeed, you'll only continue a vicious cycle, and nothing will be solved. You don't have to do anything that I say, since it is advice and not commands. However like all things in life, if you don't like something, its up to you to change it. I feel if you want things to change for the overall better, you should stay at your moms for awhile and spend time away from him.
Author Broken526 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I know what you mean, and I do appreciate the advices. I suppose I didn't go home because it felt easier to escape from the problem since I have been dealing with other things going on. I don't think guilt tripping would work nor would I want him to come back to me for that...which is probably why I don't know the best solution. Obvious I miss him, though it's only been a few days...and I know I should give him space, it's just this gut feeling that sickens me and worries me, of whether it'll be okay, or if he's just too tired to be coming back again.
PelicanPete Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 If he really cares about you he will come back, but you have to give him something come back to in order to see how he really feels. I know it hurts but you can do it. If you need something from your house have a friend or someone get it for you if you can. Otherwise, stay NC and do your best to focus on other things for the time being.
Author Broken526 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 thanks for the advice, i've been staying away for a few days now, i know that i was the one pushed him away so...i've been trying, just not easy when mutual friends call and ask about what happened at school...sometime soon he's bound to find out so, i guess we'll see how much he really cares. In the meantime, of course i will try to better myself as well. thanks
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