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Best/most useful posts from this board about breaking up, NC, second chances etc. ?

Karala

By Karala
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Karala Established Member

Karala

Posted
Posted

Hi, I'm one of those people who just started NC and need to post here all the freaking time.

 

I was just wondering if anyone could point me out to those posts that have helped them most, like those some of you link to in their siggies. I just thought it would be interesting to have them all in one thread.

 

Thanks in advance!

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Karala Established Member

Karala

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Posted

I thought I had posted a reply to your thread but apparently it did not register, thanks a lot for this link vsmini, great stuff!! I had the greatest epiphany reading through the article when she says it's no use trying to sort out "in the end, where they uninterested in me in particular, or just unavailable for any relationship?".

 

I drove myself completely nuts trying to solve this question for years, and now I can't see how right she is that IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER, either way it means they're not there, they're not willing to pursue the relationship and you have to stop to try and force them...

 

From the rest of the articles, I'm not with her 100% because a lot of her stuff is a bit "drop the jerk already!" or about handling situations with guys who really treat you badly (like cheating, lying, or not making any effort)

In my situation, I know I'm to blame for a lot if not most (at times I even feel everything) of what went wrong between us, so I don't want to go with this attitude of "he just wasn't into that into me, his loss, to hell with him"

 

But still - great resource!

 

Please keep them coming :]

RuinedLife Established Member

RuinedLife

Posted
Posted (edited)

"Many of you believe that you were going to be involved with this amazing, loving, caring, sharing, yada yada person, it’s just that you ‘did’ something that actually managed to change their fundamental characteristics, qualities, values, and mental and emotional behaviour."

 

I completely identify with this. And the next paragraph goes on to talk about how outrageous this concept is. But it truly, honestly, doesn't feel outrageous in the slightest to me, because I KNOW that it was my words that triggered my break up. I wish so so badly I could believe my thinking this way (i.e. me thinking that it is something wrong with me that caused my ex to leave me) was outrageous, I really do, but I just can not get myself to believe that as I KNOW if I had kept my anxiety better hidden or at least in check then he would still be with me. I honestly believe that to be true.

 

And EVEN if he had planned to leave me eventually anyway, regardless of what I did, I STILL blame myself immensely for triggering the break up, as I feel like I and I alone put myself through all this pain. If I had kept my anxiety in check and he had later broken up with me despite me remaining calm etc. then I know I would feel better now. Sure I would still feel utterly heartbroken and I would still blame myself for some things I did wrong during the relationship etc. but at least then I wouldn't constantly blame myself and effectively punish myself for directly triggering the break up. :(

Edited by RuinedLife
RuinedLife Established Member

RuinedLife

Posted
Posted (edited)

"When you’re not interested in someone, is it because you’ve identified a hideous flaw in them and that they’re not ‘good enough’?"

 

This is exactly what I think happened to my ex. That he finally realized just how emotionally unstable and fragile I am and abandoned me. I had tried so hard to control my emotions to stay calm and to hide any anxiety from him but then it slipped out and he finally realized that he couldn't cope with me anymore.

 

And that pain, the pain of knowing, really knowing deep down in my heart that I'm not good enough for him, probably not good enough for anybody, no matter how much part of me wants to deny it, hurts so so much words simply can not describe. :(

 

Just makes me feel completely and utterly worthless inside.

 

As I know at one point this guy loved me, told me I was the most amazing person he'd ever met, but he was blind to the true me. And now he's had a glimpse without those rose-tinted spectacles he's run for the hills.

 

And how can I blame him for that. I don't want to suffer from this anxiety, I don't want to feel so insecure, I want to be the calm, care free person he fell in love with, the kind of person who would never let anxiety overwhelm them. I wanted so badly to be that person who he thought was so amazing, but the truth is no matter how much I want to be that person he so adores, I'm broken inside, too broken for him to love. :(

 

After reading another article about trying to be the exception to the rule of someone you love, I realize that its not so much that I'm trying to be the exception to my ex's rule, but more a case of feeling shame for ever trying to be an exception when I could so easily have just followed his rule. :(

 

In other words, everything I read I just twist into more ways to blame myself and hate myself. I just don't know how to forgive myself to find relief because I can't excuse my anxiety-driven behavior. And I know everyone makes mistakes, but my mistakes have ruined my life, completely undermined my own self esteem and pushed the one I love away from me forever. How can I ever forgive myself for these things?

Edited by RuinedLife
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Karala Established Member

Karala

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi again RuinedLife, here's another great post I just went through, and that I thought applied a lot to situations like yours and mine : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2399592#post2399592

 

 

"This person walked away from you not because of what you are, but because of what they are. The idea that you must be flawless in order for a relationship to pan out is so far from the truth..."

 

People that I've been talking to these days - mainly my parents - keep trying to make me see that. That it's no use blaming myself for not being flawless enough for my ex to still want to be with me.

Lots of very imperfect people manage to stay in relationships and have people want to be with them... We probably need to understand that what we need is not to be more perfect, but to be more accepting and forgiving of our flaws. (This is what my favorite relationship guru Rori Raye keeps telling about, and what I've been trying to get into my head for a long time... Hopefully I'll really get it someday eventually...)

  • 3 weeks later...
RuinedLife Established Member

RuinedLife

Posted
Posted (edited)
The idea that you must be flawless in order for a relationship to pan out is so far from the truth...

 

I think I really need to start drilling this message into my brain too!!

 

Not literally of course, maybe I can get it to melt in with some ice cream instead. That would make for an all together more pleasurable learning experience. :)

 

 

 

People that I've been talking to these days - mainly my parents - keep trying to make me see that. That it's no use blaming myself for not being flawless enough for my ex to still want to be with me.

Lots of very imperfect people manage to stay in relationships and have people want to be with them... We probably need to understand that what we need is not to be more perfect, but to be more accepting and forgiving of our flaws. (This is what my favorite relationship guru Rori Raye keeps telling about, and what I've been trying to get into my head for a long time... Hopefully I'll really get it someday eventually...)

 

Yes this is very true. I've been a perfectionist for so long now and so its incredibly hard for me to forgive the fact that I was less than perfect in my relationship

 

(**EG- I'm such a perfectionist that if I've made a single spelling error, grammatical mistake or even just an innocent typo in my post and I can't go back and correct it, it literally drives me to forehead slapping and reddening frustration.)

 

But I think we all need to realize that if our ex really loved us, they would forgive our imperfections and love us all the same. Welcome to the stage my new Signature....

Edited by RuinedLife
Innocent typo needed correcting
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