mickleb Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Decided to post this here. It's not the most appropriate forum but it's a popular one, and I wanted lots of people to have the chance to see it. (It's gold.) I hope you get something from it. Hopefully, it will help you with your relationship issues, too. x http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 If the server is unavailable (was for me), try the Google cache As someone who dealt with this, caring for a terminally ill patient, I'll read and comment.
Author mickleb Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 If the server is unavailable (was for me), try the Google cache As someone who dealt with this, caring for a terminally ill patient, I'll read and comment. What a pain. Is there anything I can do to it to help, carhill? Have you been able to read it, yet? The Google cache link you posted allows me to read it but not see the pictures. x
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Commenting, the overwhelming take-away was, even with the scourge of mental illness in the last years, my mom was always proud of her path. She had little of the regret outlined, having experienced the world and making choices that balanced personal happiness with commitment to others. So, that last week, as the morphine did its work and she rested in peace, I saw all business was finished and it had been a good run. I hope I'm as fortunate. If I were to die tomorrow, short of lamenting the brevity of my life, I can say I am fortunate. I wish for that kind of peace for anyone. This link seems to be working; it's a link to the article archives
Author mickleb Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I've tried a good old copy and paste job. The author is Bronnie Ware. REGRETS OF THE DYING For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. x
Author mickleb Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Commenting, the overwhelming take-away was, even with the scourge of mental illness in the last years, my mom was always proud of her path. She had little of the regret outlined, having experienced the world and making choices that balanced personal happiness with commitment to others. So, that last week, as the morphine did its work and she rested in peace, I saw all business was finished and it had been a good run. I hope I'm as fortunate. If I were to die tomorrow, short of lamenting the brevity of my life, I can say I am fortunate. I wish for that kind of peace for anyone. This link seems to be working; it's a link to the article archives Thank you for your help. I was busily editing the tags out of my copy job when you posted. What wonderful news about your mum. I think this article reminded me that it's not the length of our lives we should be preoccupied with but working towards that point your mother got to. Bless her. x
spiderowl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks for this, it is very interesting and helpful, sort of along the lines I've been thinking recently anyway. Life is too short to spend it furthering other people's goals and missing out on fun and companionship. I'm going to try to and follow my heart as much as possible and avoid negative energy.
Eve Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Thanks for this, it is very interesting and helpful, sort of along the lines I've been thinking recently anyway. Life is too short to spend it furthering other people's goals and missing out on fun and companionship. I'm going to try to and follow my heart as much as possible and avoid negative energy. Totally agree! Life is very short indeed. Got to live each day well. Yep, I pretty much live my life as detailed in the article. No intentions of going anywhere until my (future) five Grand babies are here and grown with kids of their own. Take care, Eve x
Author mickleb Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 I'm really glad you found it as interesting as I did. Funny - a lot of the advice is the type of thing we (as a collective) espouse, here at LS. I learnt that happiness is a choice from these boards. What a revelation! x
Cee Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 After many years of struggle and therapy, I woke up one day and declared myself healed and whole. I birthed myself at the age of 38 and it worked. The past 3 years have been the happiest of my life. Although I don't think I could have done that at 25. The struggles I went through and the stupid choices I made seemed to have taught me how to live well today. My main regret now is that I abused my body with cigarettes, fatty food, and alcohol for so many years. I fear that my life will be cut short and it is so glorious now. I want to live this happy life as long as I can.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 The choosing happiness thing is quite interesting. If you can choose it, then I'd really like to know how you do this as I would choose it in a heart beat.
Eve Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 After many years of struggle and therapy, I woke up one day and declared myself healed and whole. I birthed myself at the age of 38 and it worked. The past 3 years have been the happiest of my life. Although I don't think I could have done that at 25. The struggles I went through and the stupid choices I made seemed to have taught me how to live well today. My main regret now is that I abused my body with cigarettes, fatty food, and alcohol for so many years. I fear that my life will be cut short and it is so glorious now. I want to live this happy life as long as I can. Glad you are in a better place Cee. Personally I think once one has fought their demons it is a case of learning to love yourself physically. Pretty much the same as you have sought to organise your inner world it is a case of seeking ways to improve the body. Caring for ones skin (I think) is the start before one even begins the work of losing weight through exercise and ensuring you are happy with your hair and dress sense.Every morning I spend time loving myself as I care for and lotion my body. Mainly I allow myself to feel gratitude that I am well. Centrally, I express this through the spiritual means that has come to be my belief system. Fashion wise, Gok Wan has helped me to find what clothes I like. Look him up on You tube. His show is called, 'How to look good naked'. Really heart warming stuff! BRILLIANT!!! Find clothes that make you feel good! I have found my style within the pages of one place. Create a new style girl! http://www.laredoute.co.uk/women-dresses.htm But well done you for the work you have done on yourself! I truly believe that all damage can be recovered. It's all in the mind. The body can recover if you direct and basically let it. Quit worrying. All the very best, Take care, Eve x
Author mickleb Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) The choosing happiness thing is quite interesting. If you can choose it, then I'd really like to know how you do this as I would choose it in a heart beat. It is quite interesting. It's about objectivity, I suppose: learning to be able to spot when you are thinking / behaving too negatively, and then forcing yourself to break the habit and do something more productive. We all have to deal with negativity / have an off day, from time to time, but dwelling there can become ingrained and people don't have to do it. I've oversimplified it greatly, as it's a never-ending process and takes a fair bit of practice before you start feeling the benefits, but that's the gist of it. I started a thread about it in the Coping section a while back but the real queen of it around here is TaraMaiden. She's the one, at LS, who has influenced my views on the subject most. x Edited June 5, 2011 by mickleb
cerridwen Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 So thankful you posted this mikleb. And I believe your explanation of "choosing happiness" is exactly right. Also agree TaraMaiden is exceptional.
Author mickleb Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 So thankful you posted this mikleb. And I believe your explanation of "choosing happiness" is exactly right. Also agree TaraMaiden is exceptional. Thank you, cerridwen. And, yes, she is. x
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