Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Of course he could potentially have another one after you had sex - nothing was agreed upon - you guys didn't make any promises to each other. He can do whatever he wants and so can you. You guys don't have any kind of real relationship established at all - so you can't really expect too much. You are right. Please has free will and can do anything they want - just take the consequesces. In my situation, if I find he attemps to have another relationship and make me feel uncomfortable purposely, then he is not good for me and he can be gone. I don't believe people can be controlled. Maybe that's the reason that we have good intimacy (lots of kiss) and sex. When it's not fun any more, the end. Is there any wrong with my thinking?
bittersweet memories Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Before we had sex on the 2nd date (2nd week), I made sure with him that he didn't have another sexual partner at the same time. He said he was too busy for two. Does this mean we are sexually exclusive and monogamous? My expectation is sexually exclusive and committed. No expectation for marriage. It seems we are sexually exclusive and when we were together everything were fine, we couldn't get enough of each other. But other times I was left high and dry - that's the part that I don't feel satisfied and to the extend of irritable. Do you communicate everyday? How often do you communicate?
Author inorderto Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Do you communicate everyday? How often do you communicate? No we didn't have good communication for several reasons. But I had good conversation with him before I type here. I want the real kiss, not the voice through air (his words).
spiderowl Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Long distance can be a real problem with relationships as one party often has things going on nearby (family, friends stuff) that demands attention. Having said that, if you met him online or through some other intermediary route, it is also a distinct possibility that he is already attached. What do you know about his life other than what he was told you? What evidence do you have? Have you seen this home he shares with a landlord? Can you be sure his time is really taken up with visiting relatives? Quite frankly, I'd be extremely sceptical. You could be the girl he has sex with in a distant town. It has to be distant enough that he won't bump into you, but not so far that he can't reach you after a drive. It also has to be distant enough that he can have lots of excuses not to drive out for sex if he has other commitments (wife, partner). Sorry, I know you won't want to hear that. Believe me, do not trust what a guy says, only what you see with your own eyes. Until you have been to his home, met his friends, you do not know his circumstances only what he has told you. Conmen can be very convincing but trust only concrete facts that he can prove to you. I would not count hearsay (what he's told you) or photographs as evidence. I know I'm cynical but I've been burnt like this myself and know what I'm talking about. Can you contact him on the phone at any time? Has he given you his landline number? These in themselves prove nothing as he could be 'visiting' several women in difference places each week. Just check the evidence before even taking this guy seriously. Whatever conclusion you come to, if he's barely in contact or willing to visit, what is the point of this relationship? Do you only want to see your boyfriend every third weekend? That's what long-distance relationships can mean in reality.
Author inorderto Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Thanks for everyone's reply and kind warning. I just had the phone with the guy asking him how many weekends he can come for visits. His answer: 2 per month. And the other two weekends he need to work a second job on weekends, church responsibility, and mentioned another woman coworker need his help on the computer etc. I was so angry that anybody church, women or mother can take him away from me any time, then who I am to him? A sex partner whenever he has a free weekend? He thinks he is santa clause that anybody can ask his help any time. He might also think he is helping me to solve my sex urges. He is such a nice man and I am so selfish to want him to mine only. Can somebody give me an insight on this?
stepka Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I didn't visit his home since he rents a private house with the landlord. My first impression on him is: we are different type of people. But after he kissed me, I felt awake and then sex...yes our relationship is based on sex. Doesn't men like sex without any other requirements? Red flag: You can't visit his home b/c he has a landlord? Maybe things are different where you live, but that's the lamest excuse I've ever heard. If there are many excuses, then I don't think he put me in a prority. Maybe after sex men withdraw, and women want more? Add: these friends are related to his small business. It seems to me that business acquaintances often help each other cheat on spouses, depending on the culture of the company. If you're lucky you can salvage an ongoing friends with benefits relationship out of this, but I don't think you'll be able to handle it, so you should probably opt out of this one.
vsmini Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I was so angry that anybody church, women or mother can take him away from me any time, then who I am to him? A sex partner whenever he has a free weekend? So you had sex with him - ask him "are you seeing anyone else?" He responds "I don't have time for more than one." and you just assume you're in a committed relationship and that you're a top priority? My insight is that you don't understand the dynamic of men or a healthy relationship at all. Why should you be more of a priority than a mother or church or anything else in his life? You aren't his girlfriend. You're supposed to establish this kind of stuff before you get heavily emotionally involved. You don't sleep with a guy and then expect him to just make him to make you a huge part of your life. Yes - you sound like a sex partner whenever he has a free weekend. Either be okay with that or stop talking to him alltogether. Don't pretend you're okay with it and spend all your time being mad and trying to get him to be your boyfriend.
Author inorderto Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 So you had sex with him - ask him "are you seeing anyone else?" He responds "I don't have time for more than one." and you just assume you're in a committed relationship and that you're a top priority? My insight is that you don't understand the dynamic of men or a healthy relationship at all. Why should you be more of a priority than a mother or church or anything else in his life? You aren't his girlfriend. You're supposed to establish this kind of stuff before you get heavily emotionally involved. You don't sleep with a guy and then expect him to just make him to make you a huge part of your life. Yes - you sound like a sex partner whenever he has a free weekend. Either be okay with that or stop talking to him alltogether. Don't pretend you're okay with it and spend all your time being mad and trying to get him to be your boyfriend. Please note that we know each other within 2 months, with 3 weeks he was away in another country. So it is a very short time. I didn't consider him any potential at first. It is the sex that wakes me up and a few days later he complained to my friend (who introduced me to him) that I never bothered to go to his place. I wasn't prepared to consider him my boyfriend, still now. I am confused myself. The sex is too early and I develop emotion from the sex and don't know how to handle it. The boyfriend concept still freaks me out. I need to go to the bottom of this. He did mention the boyfriend/girlfriend one week after sex but I didn't follow (don't remember what I said then, probably shocked). So the problem is me.
Author inorderto Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Sorry I can not say which part he is coming from for privacy. He is not handsome. He is not rich. I had a very bad marriage with my ex for a long time, and come out strong without any sex. The new guy makes me feel being loved and chrished. I talked to him again. I said I can't live like this. He asked 'because we have sex so you must be the priority?' I was angry and said 'Didn't you ever have other relationships and don't know how woman think?'. He said 'everybody is different'. He thought I would like to sleep with him every day and I said every weekend would be fine since both of us are working full time. He said he would change. We left like that. I think other people are using him since he is available and he is a nice guy.
vsmini Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 So the problem is me. Well it took 3 pages worth of posts for you to admit that - I don't know if anyone here could say "you are the problem" or "he is the problem" only you know that. There isn't much anyone can really say to you at this point. You don't really seem to get things and I'm thinking - aside from the language barrier we have with you...doesn't seem like communication is your strong point. But honestly - you want to be a priority in his life, you don't want him to put church or other people or his own mother over you but being his girlfriend kind of freaks you out? That's not good. It sounds really selfish of you on your part.
Author inorderto Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Well it took 3 pages worth of posts for you to admit that - I don't know if anyone here could say "you are the problem" or "he is the problem" only you know that. There isn't much anyone can really say to you at this point. You don't really seem to get things and I'm thinking - aside from the language barrier we have with you...doesn't seem like communication is your strong point. But honestly - you want to be a priority in his life, you don't want him to put church or other people or his own mother over you but being his girlfriend kind of freaks you out? That's not good. It sounds really selfish of you on your part. Are you still angry, or jealousy?
Author inorderto Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Have you agreed to be in a sexually and emotionally exclusive and monogamous relationship? If not, is it usual and customary for you to be sexually active with a man absent such an agreement? I'm trying to ascertain *your* expectations and perspective. TBH, IMO, none of us here really has a clue whether he's into you or not. All we can do is extrapolate from our own experiences. If his actions match up with your perspective and expectations, then it is a healthy dynamic for you. If not, drill down to which expectations and perspectives aren't matching, then communicate. Carhill has the most accurate evaluation of the situation. I think 'boyfiend/girlfriend' is just a label to keep me in place. The other people are from his home country for a visit of 3 days and are related to his business as he said. But now he disappeared. I couldn't find him through his cell last night at 11pm and 4am. I sent him an email 2 days ago that we shouldn't have more contact and his communication was blocked since I didn't reach him the first day when they(or she) came. Now I have headache and don't know how to deal with this in the next few days. They (or she) are supposed to leave today or tomorrow. Do somebody have similar experience?
good_vibes Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Sounds like it's based on sex. I normally think if a guy is really "Into you" you won't have to wonder or ask.
Author inorderto Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Sounds like it's based on sex. I normally think if a guy is really "Into you" you won't have to wonder or ask. Is sex the core part of a romantic relationship? Otherwise it will be a friendship, right? I just had a call with the guy. Of course he denied any special relationship with the two visitors (he said they were a couple but I will never know). But why his cell was broken when they came and why he didn't contact me by himself? I just suspect their real relationship. He said he would came to my place this weekend and he would call me tonight but I don't know what I should do. I don't trust him.
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