inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I have dating this guy for 2 months. First date we hit it off with a lot of kissing, heavy make out without sex (almost). One week later we had the 2nd date with sex. The following week he visited his parents in another country for 3 weeks, it was arranged before he met me. I felt so down and lonely during his vacation. After he came back we met for the weekend and everything was fine, kissing and sex etc.. Then this weekend he has friends coming from his home country and can not see me. Of course I feel down again. Doesn't he want to be with me just like I do during this early stage? It is inconvenient for me to visit him since he is in a bit city renting, with the same entry with his landlord. All the 3 dates he drove 1-1.5 hours to my apartment in nearby country. Both of us are financially independent, but not rich. We are both in our 40s, divorced. His only son is in college and my only child is 11 year old and live with me. What do you think of our relationship? Is he playing games or anything? It seems neither of us don't know what we are looking for, is this the reason? Any opinions or suggestions? I just feel so frustrated after sex there was only one date for one and half month.
denisss Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It's difficult to say without knowing him, but how is the relationship away from the sex and stuff? Do you talk a lot, discuss things, do other stuff? From what you've written, the relationship appears to be based on sex.
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 It seems our relationship is based on sex. We have a big difference on background. I am highly educated in a large coorporate with high salary, but not rich since I am a single mom. He doesn't have a college degree but he is a manager for a small branch. We don't talk much, or do other staff together due to: 1) background difference, 2) still very early in relationship, 3) apart for 1.5 hour and busy But doesn't men like sex without any string attached?
O'Malley Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Then this weekend he has friends coming from his home country and can not see me. Of course I feel down again. Doesn't he want to be with me just like I do during this early stage? When someone is genuinely interested in you, they will have you meet and spend time with their friends. Two months is a reasonable enough time for him to know whether he wants to pursue a relationship with you. Has he ever invited you to his home, or has he made excuses about why you can't visit? It seems our relationship is based on sex. You should trust your instincts; he appears to be sidelining you because he views this as a sexual relationship. Hence no need for public dates, spending non-sexual time together, or meeting his friends. Which is fine if you're content with the current situation, but obviously you are not. Let him know that you want an actual dating relationship and ask if he agrees. You have to be the one to walk away if he's vague in his reply, or if he doesn't change his pattern of behavior.
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 It is me who has been relunctant to date in public place or went into each other's life, but I would try to. Now he withdraw of meeting me on weekend (at lease I feel that way since he has friends coming) and I feel so uncomfortable. I didn't visit his home since he rents a private house with the landlord. My first impression on him is: we are different type of people. But after he kissed me, I felt awake and then sex...yes our relationship is based on sex. Doesn't men like sex without any other requirements?
O'Malley Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Have you told him you feel uncomfortable that he's canceling plans this weekend while his friends visit? Don't argue about it, but let him know how you feel. Is there a reason you are reluctant to go on dates with him in public (perhaps a cultural reason?) More importantly, do you want a relationship with this man, that could become serious or lead to marriage, or are you fine with only having sex and not being perceived as a couple? He seems to have a fairly casual attitude towards this; that it's just sex, and that he's not attempting to integrate you into his life (meeting his friends) or make you a greater priority. It also seems that what time you do spend together, you're not really getting to know each other well.
bittersweet memories Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It seems our relationship is based on sex. We have a big difference on background. I am highly educated in a large coorporate with high salary, but not rich since I am a single mom. He doesn't have a college degree but he is a manager for a small branch. We don't talk much, or do other staff together due to: 1) background difference, 2) still very early in relationship, 3) apart for 1.5 hour and busy But doesn't men like sex without any string attached? Early in the relationship that is when you can't get enough of eachother. You want to do stuff together. You talk all the time but your relationship only seems to evolve around sex. hmmm...Are you sure he isn't married?
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Have you told him you feel uncomfortable that he's canceling plans this weekend while his friends visit? Don't argue about it, but let him know how you feel. Is there a reason you are reluctant to go on dates with him in public (perhaps a cultural reason?) More importantly, do you want a relationship with this man, that could become serious or lead to marriage, or are you fine with only having sex and not being perceived as a couple? He seems to have a fairly casual attitude towards this; that it's just sex, and that he's not attempting to integrate you into his life (meeting his friends) or make you a greater priority. It also seems that what time you do spend together, you're not really getting to know each other well. You make me think out the problem now. Yes we should attemp to enter each other's life. I don't think he is married or has a SO since we were connected through friends.
iJester Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Sounds like you initiated a casual sex relationship, and now that he's okay with it, you want him to want more. What do you expect from him?
Andy_K Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I don't see that he's done anything wrong. He went to visit his parents, as was already arranged (so you can discount drawing any conclusions from that), then since has spent a weekend with you, and now is spending the weekend with friends. It's a long distance relationship. You can't expect to see him *every* weekend. If he doesn't want to see you next weekend, then maybe there's a problem. Otherwise this seems pretty normal.
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Sounds like you initiated a casual sex relationship, and now that he's okay with it, you want him to want more. What do you expect from him? Hmmm...he initiated sex and I was ok with sex, providing it is exclusive. Doesn't he want sex more, not only once in a month? I could try to enter into each other's life.
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I don't see that he's done anything wrong. He went to visit his parents, as was already arranged (so you can discount drawing any conclusions from that), then since has spent a weekend with you, and now is spending the weekend with friends. It's a long distance relationship. You can't expect to see him *every* weekend. If he doesn't want to see you next weekend, then maybe there's a problem. Otherwise this seems pretty normal. If there are many excuses, then I don't think he put me in a prority. Maybe after sex men withdraw, and women want more? Add: these friends are related to his small business.
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 If there are many excuses, then I don't think he put me in a prority. Maybe after sex men withdraw, and women want more? Add: these friends are related to his small business. This is a quote from you It is me who has been relunctant to date in public place or went into each other's life, So....what are you talking about? are you just one of those girls that wants to play coy and have him initiate everything while you run away and he chases you?
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 This is a quote from you So....what are you talking about? are you just one of those girls that wants to play coy and have him initiate everything while you run away and he chases you? I told him that I felt uncomfortable that he couldn't make the weekend, I consider this is I chase him. I also said I would try to enter into his life, though initially I considered we were different type of people. I also consider this is a chase. I do feel uncomfortable to chase too much.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Long shot but, since you've never actually visited his domicile and interacted with his friends locally but yet say this: "I don't think he is married or has a SO since we were connected through friends." Why the qualifier 'think'? If you have mutual friends, you should 'know'. Reading the posts, before I got to the one with the quote, my instinct was 'married'. I think it's time to visit homeboy...
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Long shot but, since you've never actually visited his domicile and interacted with his friends locally but yet say this: "I don't think he is married or has a SO since we were connected through friends." Why the qualifier 'think'? If you have mutual friends, you should 'know'. Reading the posts, before I got to the one with the quote, my instinct was 'married'. I think it's time to visit homeboy... We were connected through 3 friends between in 3 churches, but you can't hind much in church, right? He is a very active member in church. After all the replies, I decide to give it more time and see. Maybe it's in the stage that we negotiate the relationshop 'terms' (don't know what it exactly mean) and what we want etc.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 What's your perspective on transparency and exclusivity within a sexually active relationship?
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 What's your perspective on transparency and exclusivity within a sexually active relationship? My gut will tell me everything. If I suspect something for an extended time, then he didn't give me the trust that I need. End of relationship. I usually don't following people unless it is very necessay. When I do decide to follow then I already know what I'll do if I do find what I suspect.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Have you agreed to be in a sexually and emotionally exclusive and monogamous relationship? If not, is it usual and customary for you to be sexually active with a man absent such an agreement? I'm trying to ascertain *your* expectations and perspective. TBH, IMO, none of us here really has a clue whether he's into you or not. All we can do is extrapolate from our own experiences. If his actions match up with your perspective and expectations, then it is a healthy dynamic for you. If not, drill down to which expectations and perspectives aren't matching, then communicate.
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Have you agreed to be in a sexually and emotionally exclusive and monogamous relationship? If not, is it usual and customary for you to be sexually active with a man absent such an agreement? I'm trying to ascertain *your* expectations and perspective. TBH, IMO, none of us here really has a clue whether he's into you or not. All we can do is extrapolate from our own experiences. If his actions match up with your perspective and expectations, then it is a healthy dynamic for you. If not, drill down to which expectations and perspectives aren't matching, then communicate. Before we had sex on the 2nd date (2nd week), I made sure with him that he didn't have another sexual partner at the same time. He said he was too busy for two. Does this mean we are sexually exclusive and monogamous? My expectation is sexually exclusive and committed. No expectation for marriage. It seems we are sexually exclusive and when we were together everything were fine, we couldn't get enough of each other. But other times I was left high and dry - that's the part that I don't feel satisfied and to the extend of irritable.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Example: 'I believe in monogamous sexual and emotional relationships. At this point, I want to be with you and only you. How do you feel about that?' Like I said, time to visit him. Play in his sandbox for awhile. See what's up. If I were him, I'd be welcoming you with open arms. Let's see how it goes.
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 He said he was too busy for two. Does this mean we are sexually exclusive and monogamous? No - not at all. You asking him and him telling you "we are exclusive and monogamous" means that you are exclusive and monogamous. Just because he said he doesn't have time for two right now doesnt mean he's against having 2 or more sexual partners. Why aren't you asking him directly?
Author inorderto Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 No - not at all. You asking him and him telling you "we are exclusive and monogamous" means that you are exclusive and monogamous. Just because he said he doesn't have time for two right now doesnt mean he's against having 2 or more sexual partners. Why aren't you asking him directly? 'No time for two' is PART of the conversation. He said he didn't have another one before I agreed to have sex. Will he have another one later after we had sex? can you prevent that? Each of us would have interactions with all kinds of people each day. He can leave if he find a better one. That's the risk I'll have to take.
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 'No time for two' is PART of the conversation. He said he didn't have another one before I agreed to have sex. Will he have another one later after we had sex? can you prevent that? Each of us would have interactions with all kinds of people each day. He can leave if he find a better one. That's the risk I'll have to take. Of course he could potentially have another one after you had sex - nothing was agreed upon - you guys didn't make any promises to each other. He can do whatever he wants and so can you. You guys don't have any kind of real relationship established at all - so you can't really expect too much.
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