I feel I am going crazy

[RedIrish73]

I am just going to post an email I sent to my wife and to her new 'friend'. This would better explain what happened. Its a bit personal, I know but this entire thing has been very personal for me. I changed the names but it should be somewhat obvious as you read it. I am not sure why I am posting this. I am in a strange state emotionally and I keep second guessing myself and my actions. I am trying to do what is right for my son now and to try to make this divorce as fair as possible. My wife is moving into with the 'friend' she met online now, well this week and will be done by this weekend.

 

This has been so crazy, I still can't wrap my mind around it, much less my heart. I still wake up sometimes and forget where I am now, expecting to see her beside me. As it stands now, its obvious she doesn't like me. She has called me all sorts of names, cussing me out and making sure I know that she thinks I am pathetic. Its starting to get to me from the grapevine that she is tearing me down to anyone that will listen.

 

Anyhow, here is the jest of what happened via an email I sent to them both.

 

Wife and Other Guy,

 

This is a bit long, but I ask you please sit and read this through. I do not want you to take this as some great big forum for me to accuse anyone. I simply want you both to understand my perspective and feelings on all this.

 

Please know that I love Wife. With all my heart. I love our family more than anything. Tons.

 

This all started, at least from my perspective, after we returned home from the funeral. Wife began to hang out with Other Guy, began to RP with him and I admit, that yes, I got jealous. Wife had been gone taking care of her mother for nearly two months. I missed her so much, that when she was finally back, I was ecstatic. After a week, I noticed that Wife was hiding chats from me. Things that were being said between her and Other Guy that she knew would bother me. I think it was in the second week that I learned that she was talking to Other Guy on the phone, this was something she was hiding from me as well. I did look, I saw there were quite a few calls, this is how I got his number. I did tell Wife when she asked how I got it that I wasn't sure. I am sorry. Anyhow, it was at this point that I did become both concerned and anxious. Wifes mother had just passed away, I knew that it would affect her somehow, though I was expected something very different.

 

On April 20th or either the day before or after, Wife told me she was getting her hair done on Saturday. I was kinda shocked since we were kinda strapped with money but I figured it was something she needed to do for herself. Again... I was still thinking that she was some how coping in her own way.

 

On April 23rd, Wife got her hair done. After it was done, she sent a picture of it to Gina (she said). I remember, she kept checking her phone and finally I asked why she kept checking her phone and finally she said cause she sent a pic of her hair to Other Guy as well. After I learned where she was on the 26th, this felt like it was done for him. When I looked back at it... it just made sense then. Like it fit into place. I wondered at the time why she was so eager to get her hair done but like I said, I really thought this was a coping thing. Wife is a beautiful woman but then I am biased. I know.

 

On April 24th, Wife and I were talking on FB. The conversation was about how I felt about how things were going between her and Other Guy. Yes, I brought up things that occurred in our past from a previous event but I remember clearly that I wasn't upset when I was talking to her. How Wife was handling things though had me concerned and anxious. I wanted to spend more time with her, it was the first time that we both would be home together and this was not how I wanted it. Wife suddenly said she had to go and left work early. I tried several times to contact her, and when I did get a hold of her, I begged her to come home. I felt something was wrong in my heart. When she finally came home, she told me she wanted a divorce. This blew me away. She said I had to change or a divorce was what would going to happen. The change was that she had to be allowed to have friends with penises. In our marriage, its been a sore point. Several times, these male friends were after Wife for sex, several times our marriage suffered. It was hard, I admit, to not be possessive of her, to not want to share her even to someone who wanted just to be friends. After a while we talked and she asked me a question. Asked me if I would be ok with her going to hang out with a friend without me if they came into town. I think at this point I started to realize something was really up. Wife was distant to the point that she was pushing me away. It was like she was mad at me. Compared to the Wife a month prior, hell compared to her a few days earlier, this was a very different person. We went to bed, she made it clear we were not cuddling, something we did a lot.

 

On April 25th, Wife went to work and I took The Boy to school. The day was difficult, I remember because my anxiety was very high now. When she came home, she seemed to be in good spirits but nervous. She wanted to take a hot bath and so I cleaned out the tub for her and drew up her bath water. She cleaned up, shaved and such. During this, I was so nervous, I could tell something was off. I remember standing behind her at her chair and she learned her face into my hand for a long moment. She did the same in the bath tub. After she was done she said she had to run and get her ring inspected and I offered to go but she said no, she needed to clear her head. Before she left, we talked again about the thing about her meeting with a friend without me. I remember repeating that I didn't think it was appropriate. I don't remember my exact words. Well she left and when she came back she asked me how I was feeling. I said ok, as well as I can be. She said good and then said she had bad news for me. She told me she needed my support in this though because she needed to clear her head. She said our marriage wasn't what was at stack, just that there was to much going on since her mother died and everything that she had to go. She told me she was going to stay with Emily for two days and would be back Wednesday before work. I told her I would support her and I helped her pack. Before she left though... I clearly remember her looking at me and asking if she looked cute. It struck me odd but now, it makes more sense. She left. A few hours later she called me, said things at Emilys were weird and that she was just going to find a hotel to stay at. I was worried, very worried. She still sounded nervous and something was wrong. I told her to call me when she found something, that I was worried. At 8:30 she called and said she was in Pocatello Idaho. That she was going to stay at the Best Western. I asked her to call me when she got her room so I knew where she was. She objected to this and asked why I needed that since she had her cell phone. I just said I wanted to make sure she was safe and if something happened and we had to find her, I needed to know where she was. She never called back. I called her after 9 a few times and her phone was off. While I was worried sick for her, I figured she was sleeping or trying to and turned her phone off.

 

On April 26th, I called her at 10 in the morning and still, her phone was off. I kept calling every little bit till 11 and then... I started to panic. I couldn't believe she would still leave her phone off that long and not call. I was worried sick. I called her dad to see if he knew where she was, he said last her heard from her was the previous night and she told him the same thing, she would be staying at the Best Western in Pocatello. I called the Best Western in Pocatello and found that she never checked in. So I called our bank and had the transactions checked, no hotel stays. I was officially freaking out with worry. I called Other Guy and left a message. I contacted Emily, asking if she had heard from Wife. I jumped online and asked people if anyone knew anything. No one knew anything. God I was so worried. I called her dad again. Nothing. Finally at 1, during one of my many attempts at calling Wife, she answered. I asked her if she was ok, and she said yes. I was freaking out, I know I was. I thought something happened to her. I asked where she was and where she was going, she said to breakfast and was at the Best Western. I told her I called the Best Western and her response was Why and even seemed to be mad at me for checking on her. I told her I was worried sick, that her phone was off all night and that she never checked into a hotel. My god, I was in tears with worry that she was on the side of the road or was hurt. I asked her where she was, was she with a friend, what was going on. She finally said she was in Cheyenne with Other Guy. At this point... I think I just broke. I remember asking why. Was she leaving me. What was she doing. I remember her saying she was staying another night and would be back tomorrow, which was wednesday. I felt like I died right there when we hung up.

 

I called Wifes Dad and let him know I found her. I recall apologizing to him. I couldn't do this anymore. I was hurt so much. I couldn't take it. I moved both myself and The Boy out. I can't delve into my feelings on why and what. I just remember hurting more than I ever have in my life. Wife asked me to support her but I couldn't support this. Not the lie and not staying with another man. Not like this.

 

Moving out was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still affected by it. I still think about it all the time.

 

I made The Boy my number one focus at that point. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Yes, I was terribly sad at the time. I am still sad. The Boy is a smart boy, he knew I was hurting. He wanted to know why and I told him that I missed his mother. In that though I also told him that his mother lied and thats why I was hurt. I have not brought that up again. The Boy still thinks divorce is temporary and that we will be with each other again at some point. I know he is confused. I am trying to do my best to shelter him, to keep him busy with friends and to keep him active. Wife has called me out as being super dad to The Boy, which is why he prefers me. I did give The Boy a place where he would have friends his own age. I know it. I wanted that for him but I never did it to try to force any wedge between him and Wife. I would rather have Wife here to see it and be apart of it.

 

I love my wife. I miss her. I know what Wife has said to me since she returned from visiting Other Guy. I know I moved out but I never shut the door. I never wanted a divorce. Never. Maybe it seems far fetched to want that but as I said before, I love my wife, I love my family.

 

Wife has repeated on several occasions that she has lost everything. That is not the case. Not at all. Both The Boy and I are still here. Her family is still here. I know her dad is upset with her and to be honest, I think I understand why. He just lost his wife and is now facing something that he isn't prepared to deal with. Though even with his wife, this is not something he is good at dealing with. In a lot of ways, I worry about him. I know if I were in his shoes and Wife had died, I would be lost. Be that as it is, I do not feel I was lost to her, I feel I was tossed aside for someone else.

 

To Wife. Don't move. To me it feels like your running. You don't have to. I think I know you better than anyone, with the exception of your mother. You have told me many times that as much as it sucked, I kept you honest. Please think about this. You said in your Lawyers papers that the reason for the divorce was a mistake, then you scratched it out. Yes, a mistake was made, so fix it. So make an attempt. We have a son who relies on us, who needs us. We can't be selfish. You said to me in chat, that you lost me. So find me. Will it take some work? Certainly, on both our parts. In our eight years we have loved, laughed, cried, supported each other, and worked hard to get to where we were. Was it perfect? No. But it wasn't bad either and even sometimes, it felt great, especially the last three years. You told me many times in the last few years how happy you were with me. Nearly EVERY night in bed when we cuddled, you would ask me to never leave you. Yes, I moved out, but to me it feels like you left me. Wife, I miss you so much. I never imagined that you would ever consider not wanting full custody of The Boy. I never imagined that you would want to move away from him. So don't. We can find a way to make things work out. I know we can. I never thought we would be in this position either. What has happened is still very surreal for me. Sometimes I wake up and it takes me a moment to realize where I am and I look for you. Wife. I love you. Tons. The Boy is our responsibility. I think he deserves better. You wondered why I was upset when you got back from your lawyer and told me I won. To me, I didn't win... not at all. Its hard for me to say this, but regardless of how things between you and I turn out, I think you owe to him to be a stable influence in his life.

 

To Other Guy. I really don't know how much of this you are involved in, how deep this goes for you. I do wish you were not involved though so much. This is my family. I know I am not perfect, not at all but I know I am not a bad guy either. I love Wife and I love my son more than anything. I have supported her through thick and thin for eight years. I don't know what to say to you really. I just know I can't see you. I wish my son wasn't going to see you as well. This whole thing just doesn't sit right with me. Doesn't feel right. To many lies, to much deception. While The Boy won't see it now, he will remember it and that will affect how he feels later on about this when he does understand what happened.

 

I have heard that its been said I have been abusive to Wife. That I have thrown her past at her. That I have forced her to do things she didn't want to do. I am not an abusive person. I would never force Wife to do anything she didn't want to. Yes, the past mistakes have been brought up. I know. There are many things I never got closure on and so I was left with self doubt and questions I could not escape. Wife did have an affair and she said she was raped. I felt I could never delve into that, to have those questions and doubts resolved. The truth is, I just wanted to protect her and that for me, was an easier path to take. If there is more that has been said, I do not know. I know I am not perfect but at no point would I ever desire to hurt Wife. On the contrary... I want her to be happy. I have never changed my stance on that.

 

To end. I realize that both of you may not even read this. You will probably take offense to my views or feelings. You may see this as just more fuel to your fire. I don't know. I just wanted you to know how I felt. Why I did what I did. My family has and will always be important to me. My wife and my sons.

 

Thats it. Like I said, I know there is quite a bit of personal feelings in this. Neither of them responded. She is as happy as can be about her new life with this guy. She has practically burned her bridges with everyone here in town, including her family. Her family has been a huge source of support for me and my son in all this. Something I very much appreciate.

 

I have not filed for divorce yet, I have the paper work done though, for the most part. She is pushing to have it done yesterday. She is in a terrible rush. I suspect its because of two things; they want to make their relationship official and he is in the military and a married woman living with him I heard could cause him problems.

 

Am I crazy to still love her as much as I do? I know its over. I know there is no going back but I still think about it. I still dream about it. My son told me a few days ago that he wanted me to find a new mommy. One that would be around and take care of us. One that would play with him. I explained that we can't replace his mother and he said he knew that, but he wants a mommy that will be around all the time. Broke my heart.

 

k. Sorry for the long book here. Thank you ahead of time for any comments.

 

PS. you will see the dates. They are correct and this did just happen starting this April that just passed.

[PegNosePete]

I have not filed for divorce yet, I have the paper work done though, for the most part. She is pushing to have it done yesterday. She is in a terrible rush.

So why hasn't she filed then?

 

Am I crazy to still love her as much as I do?

Well, yes. But we're all crazy when it happens to us, so don't sweat it too much. Just look after yourself and your son. You will get through this.

[Steen719]

Your pain is palpable. I can feel it so acutely and I am so sorry that it hurts so much. She has moved on and although she may regret it later, you may have moved on by then and be in a better place. Concentrate on your son and making this the best you can for him and realize that you are not going to impact her decision to leave you. Don't worry about being crazy... as PegNosePete said, we are all crazy when this happens.

I hope you feel better soon.

[RedIrish73]

So why hasn't she filed then?

 

Honestly, I don't know. She went to a lawyer and was told she screwed herself over by doing what she did and continued doing. That her chances in court were slim and if she lost, she would lose big. I do kinda feel I should file. I don't know why. I think it will help me start my process of moving on.

[ver13]

IMO you have to file if you truly want this situation to workout in the end. People have gotten divorced and remarried many times over if they are mean't to be together. But this thing that you are going through has to stop for now in order to set the stage for tommorow. You can't just sit back and hope that she will come to her senses, you have more at stake in this then just yourself. Sometimes people have to be pulled through the eye of a needle and feel all the pain that comes with that experience to learn what they need to know about life. From the sounds of what you are saying your STBXW needs to go through this and you need to let her do it by herself. So find the courage to let go and grow because at the end of the day all you can truly be responsible for right now is yourself and your son.

[RedIrish73]

Filed and getting the papers ready to serve her. She is ecstatic and happy. I feel like I lost my best friend and wife.

 

I hope she learns from this. I would hate for this to happen to someone else or for her to drag another child through this. It kills me but I hope she finds happiness though I have this feeling she still has some trials to work through.

 

I will have sole physical custody of our son and we will share legal though I have the final say so.

 

My son though, sharp as he is, told me a few days ago. That he wanted me to find another mommy, one that will take care of us and be around all the time. I told him we can't replace his mother and he said he knows, he just wants a mommy that is around all the time.

 

This all happened so fast. I trust that God has a plan for me and my son now. I know we will need it.

[Surfer203]

Hey best of luck to you. Take care of your child and yourself, those are your first priorities. I am sorry to hear about this, it's a sad tale. Keep your head up.

[coolheadal]

Well at lease you know what she's doing. I am told other wise by her. This is a bad story you have told us. Best to do what you can and get away from her. Why would think there was hope as she's cheated with another man on you. Once they cheat they'll always cheat and no turning back they could have stop it but choose not to.

 

Good luck you'll need it and man get away from her.

[RedIrish73]

I am told other wise by her. This is a bad story you have told us.

 

I am confused by these two lines. Maybe its just late for me though. She told you otherwise and the story is bad?

 

PS. I am tired. Filing today really took it out of me emotionally. I went back and read through my logs of all this, yes, I took them when it started. She is Bi Polar. I learned a long time go, its better to log difficult times to help me sort them out even if things may never make logical sense. Meh. I could fill a book with all these logs I have collected over the years.

 

I know I have to move forward. For me and for my son. I have good friends and her family is being very supportive.

Edited June 4, 2011 by RedIrish73

[RedIrish73]

Well, she is gone now. Moved away and moved on. Papers are filed. Meh. Next step is to serve her the paper work.

 

I am helping her dad clean up our old condo, painting and such. Apparently, she left it in pretty bad shape and left a lot of things behind. Like the bed, a dresser, kitchen stuff, a lot of food, etc.

 

I found out today that she told people where she worked that I cheated on her, that I moved out with our son to go live with another woman. Meh. I know her old boss, and I feel I should call her and at least clear the air on that. The other woman is my landlady and she worked at the same place as my soon to be X. I dunno. My landlady and my best friend are in a serious relationship, it bothers me that my soon to be X was dragging her through the mud like that.

 

Something kinda amusing today though. My son has told me on a previous date that he wants me to find a new mommy for us, one that will take care of us and be around all the time. Well today, he runs inside and begs me to go outside to see something. I do and he points out this 16 to 17 year old girl walking down the street. Marry her! Marry her! He says. She is nice! It was so cute, he was so excited. I have to try to explain that it takes time to find a good mommy for him. Not to mention... the age thing.

 

I guess overall, I could be worse, we could be worse off. My son is happy. He has friends and I keep him pretty busy. I don't feel like I am dying every minute now but I have this terrible heart ache. I know it will get better over time but I have this fear... suspicion that I will always love her and it will take me a long time to really get over her and what happened.

 

Think I am kinda rambling now. Thanks everyone, for their responses.