Flabbergaster Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 xMM jumping in with perspective. It pains me to say "run, don't walk." Why? Because he's not ready to find the answers he is looking for. Because I wish she wasn't away from me, after I was indecisive for too long. A major contributing factor to the cause of an A can be events relating to mortality. Death of a close relative was probably a big contributing factor for me...on top of the fact that i was quite unhappy in my M (and a few other triggers). For many WS, cancer or some other terminal condition in bs is a trigger. As humans we don't want to admit our mortality our the mortality of those we love...so we find something new and fresh (and healthy...and probably younger...). Your summary of him tells me that he is confused about what he wants. I know something about being confused about BS and OW, oh yes I do. I'm sure he loves you, just as sure as I loved xOW (and struggle daily with my feelings for her, months after the A). I also think that he's not going to change anything while you are involved with him...because he would have done so already. He probably loves her as well, or he might simply be 'scared' to change. It's very difficult for the MM to leave his first life behind. In my opinion (experience and observation) the type of person who has an affair (rather than fix their M or leave their M before dating) is also the type of person who has a really difficult time with change...a really difficult time leaving their spouse, no matter how unhappy they are. Does he struggle with little decisions like where to meet for dinner, what to eat for dinner, how to deal with a problem a work? Telling factors that he'll be COMPLETELY unable to deal with "should I leave my long time partner for her?" He has children with her, right? They have LOTS of shared memories. He's unhappy, and their R is probably rough due to unhappiness and lack of communication from him. He probably has unresolved anger / insecurity issues due to the cancer concern. He sounds very confused, and aware that he is very confused. You're a cool drink of water on a hot painful day...of course he wants you to stay. It's even possible that you ARE the better choice for him, and possible that he knows it. he just isn't very good about making big decisions (at the moment? ever?). His request to take more time with him so he can figure things out...how does that help you? That's just him prolonging a decision, because there is something good to both relationships that he wants to keep. Prolonging the decision will only make it harder for him, and for you. When you leave, he might be in pain for a while. Part of this is because he wanted you as an option. Also, your attention is valdiating him, making him feel good about himself. Well...he's got to find ways to feel good on his own, even if he DOES end up with you. If you want something with a man in this situation...the best advice I can give you is to present him with a timeframe for actions you need to see if you are going to stay involved with him. Do this respectfully without pressure, let him know it's his choice if he wants to do these things and that you will have to leave for yourself (and you will understand) if he can't work with the timeframe. Then don't pressure him, because that will give him a chance to claim he's a victim. If he takes the actions you need to see...then have a wonderful life I hope. If not...then blow a kiss, cry, and walk away. I would also suggest trying to get him into counseling so he can get help to figure out what he wants. I'd like to offer a big hug, and a fresh tissue for tears that you've had. I wish we were taught "don't be involved in an affair because your heart will be torn out." Instead those of us selfish enough to be involved in an A have to learn this on our own.
Author Gissie Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Thank you so much for your answer. Thats how Ive always felt about him..that he is really confused. Me understanding him isnt the anwer to his issues though. He has to come up with answers all by himself and I dont think he is going to - at least now. Another pick from our discussions later in A: Me: I really dont agree with you on how is me hanging around going to help you make up your mind? You seriously think time will help? Him: All I know is that I´ll never know if you dont give me the time. Argh. You are also spot on that me trying to pressure him will only make him blame me. I put him through "make up your mind-NOW-or Im out" once..and he only went into his cave and froze. Saying "now we´ll never know" "it was you who decided to leave me" etc.. On many occasions he seems to pour his own frustration on me. Making it seem like Im the source of problem here. Like I cant decide if I want him or not, if I want to continue seeing him or not, Im immature..I have always called him out on that tho, saying he needs to stop that reverse psychology crap. At this point its been NC for a week after our last incident. He knows its time to act - no more discussions. We´ve been talking forever with no solid outcome. It seems he is not going to act and I think thats fine since he is not ready to do so. Im a little sad if he will just disappear now like it wasnt about nothing. It would be good if he could at least say "Sorry - but I just cant do this, Im not ready to leave my kids" or whatever. Then again..the outcome would be the same so who cares. Pick again from discussion: Me: If you know in your heart you will not be able to do any changes in your life, please let me go. If you really care about me Him: I do care about you, I love you. I just dont know what to do. I will be honest I promise. I cant do anything about it and I wont. Have to be strong and take these as part of life. Something better will come up for me Im sure. I would never try to hurt him in any way. He is making his own life hell by his actions. He is going to continue in unhappy marriage and continue to be unhappy and confused. There might be more OW´s after me, or even before me. Doesnt matter. I will move on and ONE DAY I will find someone who loves me enough to put me first. Thanks for your support !
Flabbergaster Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 ok adding more perspective as a man who uh...knows how to be whiny, selfish, and manipulative. And spends a lot of effort trying to be a better person. It sounds like he's blaming you for a lot of problems that look like his. It sounds like he's blaming / attacking you for "being too hard on him" when you're just asking him to make up his mind and act. Now I haven't met him or heard much about him so this could be wrong... but my opinion is he might blame everyone for all the problems in his life. I'm concerned that he might do this if you are with him, that he might always be 'difficult, whining, and blaming you.' Having done that a bit to gf's when i was younger and more stupid...I'd warn you that it would become a major drag on you if that's what he is like. Cut the line, if he's like that.
Recommended Posts