Out or in? Affair trap

[Gissie]

Hi- Im new to this site and seems Im not the only one in this situation..

My story seems to be very similar to many others in this site and yes - I also thought my case was special..

 

I met my MM (actually he is not married but in a long term relationship with 2 kids) at work. It started off as innocent flirt - he started it and I played along with it. Ive been single for a long time, not that I would not meet guys all the time who want to date me- I just dont find anyone that would feel right to me. Im in a quite high position at work and make good money.. I just feel its really hard to find anyone who would be man enough for me and not be intimidated by me and this man was totally different from all the others. So confident and in a higher position to myself. Anyway,- it was innocent at first and I honestly wasnt really into him, I just enjoyed the attention he pourred me. However things escalated into being intimate after some months, and after it happened once - I still wasnt even near being in love or even having much feelings for him. He however was totally crazy about me. After that incident I took my distance when he kept bombing me with messages and calls. I told him straight that things have gotten out of hand and I wasnt really feeling it. He refused to let go saying he wont give up. He never said anything bad about his woman, which is good. He explained that he had cancer only year ago (which I know is true) and after that he feels different about many things in his life. He begged me for a chance. He never said he will leave his family now, but he said he wants to get to know me better and see where this goes..that he is "on a road" to change his life, however it may start as small steps. Well yea yea I thought..I know this is the usual BS but I did feel he really meant it.

So.. slowly but surely he got to me. Little by little. We became intimate again after some more months and from there it just exploded. We were so in love. Sex was great, everything was amazing.

Well not surprisingly..he kept me on bay and didnt change anything in his life. He was really in love with me..I know that. BUT he wasnt doing nothing to change anything at home front.

I became tried of it, because I saw whats going on and confronted him quite soon. I didnt put up with this for months and months. He kept insisting he needs time - and became mad at me because I was confronting him about it. He keeps saying he doesnt see me as his mistress, that Im not that to him. But hello- thats excatly what I am! ?

So we didnt see each other for 2 weeks but then started to talk again saying how much we miss each other and agreed to meet. On that day though, his kid had been hurt and was in hospital, so he cancelled. He kept apologizing me saying he will make it up to me, but he knows Im totally fed up. Not his kids fault, this whole situation.

I am pissed off that he MADE me fall in love with him and now he wont do as he says. His actions are not backing up his words. Should I really give him more time or is he just playing me?

I need some advice from someone who knows from experience.. When or if he will contact me again, how should I handle this? I dont want to continue like this, wtf **** is wrong with men?

Edited June 3, 2011 by Gissie

[Gentlegirl]

Run like bloody hell , don't look back.

 

Of course he is playing with you. He has KIDS and a partner. He is having a post cancer fling to prove that he isn't immortal after all. he sounds very manipulative too.

 

He will keep playing until you stop him. It's up to you to do so . He will keep playing while you let him.

 

Keep running......

 

Gentlegirl

[whichwayisup]

I am pissed off that he MADE me fall in love with him and now he wont do as he says. His actions are not backing up his words. Should I really give him more time or is he just playing me?

 

He didn't make you fall in love with him, you did that by making choices to spend time with him and allow things to develop. Be angry at him all you want, but turn some of that anger at yourself. This isn't all his fault - Reading your story, the red flags jumped out immediately... You closed your eyes..

 

You know he isn't leaving his wife. His actions show you this. You're fed up being the OW and playing second fiddle to his wife (common law) and kids. Your only choice is to end it and tell him only when he divorces, he can contact you and possibly you'd date him casually for a while to get to know him under normal circumstances rather than the affair dynamic. If he divorces, let it be because he doesn't want to be married anymore and he doesn't love his wife, he'd rather be alone than stay married. Him leaving his wife and family FOR you is going to be really difficult and trust could very well be an issue for a while, especially since he'll still be in contact with his ex due to their children.

 

You're a smart woman, you've just made some bad choices by having an affair with him. If you stay and wait, you'll be the OW for a long long time. If you choose to end it, you'll be free of the pain, free of the affair and if he loves you more than he loves his wife, he WILL divorce, on his terms, not yours.

[Spark1111]

Run like bloody hell , don't look back.

 

Of course he is playing with you. He has KIDS and a partner. He is having a post cancer fling to prove that he isn't immortal after all. he sounds very manipulative too.

 

He will keep playing until you stop him. It's up to you to do so . He will keep playing while you let him.

 

Keep running......

 

Gentlegirl

 

I agree!

 

He is having his mid-life crisis and you are the diversion on the side.

 

Maybe he didn't date enough women beofre he married, maybe he didn't have enough fun as an adolescent.

 

Either way, I do not believe he will leave his family, but I could be wrong.

 

The question is, do you really, really want him to?

 

Tell him to look you up if and when he divorces and moves out.

 

Good luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

The question is, do you really, really want him to?

 

Really think about this and what him actually leaving and being with you would be like.

 

Eventually you'd be in a step mother role.

The fun thrilled affair fun you two had will turn into a real relationship. It won't be just happy times and laughing, hot sex etc.

You'll have to deal with him still talking to his ex (because of kids).

Maybe you will have trust issues, he cheated on the woman he had children with, lived with so for many years, will he eventually cheat on me? LOOK at how well he's managed to LIE to his common law wife? Betray her so deeply by being with you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he wouldn't ever lie or omit truths to you, even now..

[Gissie]

He didn't make you fall in love with him, you did that by making choices to spend time with him and allow things to develop. Be angry at him all you want, but turn some of that anger at yourself. This isn't all his fault - Reading your story, the red flags jumped out immediately... You closed your eyes..

 

You know he isn't leaving his wife. His actions show you this. You're fed up being the OW and playing second fiddle to his wife (common law) and kids. Your only choice is to end it and tell him only when he divorces, he can contact you and possibly you'd date him casually for a while to get to know him under normal circumstances rather than the affair dynamic. If he divorces, let it be because he doesn't want to be married anymore and he doesn't love his wife, he'd rather be alone than stay married. Him leaving his wife and family FOR you is going to be really difficult and trust could very well be an issue for a while, especially since he'll still be in contact with his ex due to their children.

 

You're a smart woman, you've just made some bad choices by having an affair with him. If you stay and wait, you'll be the OW for a long long time. If you choose to end it, you'll be free of the pain, free of the affair and if he loves you more than he loves his wife, he WILL divorce, on his terms, not yours.

 

Well you are right I did play my part on it - but only after he convinced me he was for real. I did not believe it at first. Maybe I was naive to believe him, but I dont have any experience on MM in general. I did have my doubts all the time though, I never visioned us walking down any isles and Im not even sure if Im cut to do this whole thing even if he wanted to.

 

Its just not going to work, I will let him go. Im just so disappointed because I feel like Ive been lied to. I thought this man was great, he obviously isnt. So he is having mid life crisis, does it make it right for him to use people? I thought close to death experiences would make a person more humble and realise whats really important. He just became more selfish?

[Gissie]

Some honesty right here. Hypergamy in action folks.

 

True. Thats what Im looking for.

[Gissie]

Gissie you said you were pretty high up in your job. So I have to ask "Are you serious?" with these questions. This guy is a cheater, he's a liar, he just wants to have sex on the side with you, he'll say anything that he thinks you want to hear.

 

C'mon you know that already so why are you asking?

 

I am serious. Things are not always so black and white. Ive watched my friends going through marriage crisis, having things aside, looking for way out and in many cases they just cant decide what they want to do. Stay or leave. In my case, I wanted to give him the chance since he asked for it. Yes its true that now it seems he wants to stay - which means I am out and might be he was lieing all along but I dont think Im to blame for believing. The good thing is, this only lasted some months because Im not stupid enough to continue any longer.

[Lucky_One]

From a purely practical health standpoint, he had cancer a year ago? He has four more years of cancer check-ups before he is considered cured. In the most basic of definitions, right now, he is simply in remission.

 

And he has a wife and family who stood beside him through the diagnosis, treatment, and post-care parts of his life. And he has a lot of uncertainty about the future, and it is doubtful that he will throw away the "sure thing" of a wife who will drive him to oncology appts, who will wipe his butt of diarrhea, who will hold a pan while he vomits, who will stand beside him if he has various body parts/organs removed.

 

It does sound very much as if his pursuit and selfishness stemmed from a desire for reaffirmation of his living. I know when my father-in-law died, my H and I came home and fell into bed and had sex; what better way to show that WE were still alive?

 

He has never told you he was going to leave his wife. The scenario played a very typical one, where one person is at arm's length and it makes the other person crazy for them - until they get what they want. They get to feel that the other person IS in love, they get to feel that they are still desirable enough to have someone fall in love with them, they get to feel the conquering/winning rush of emotion.

[Gissie]

From a purely practical health standpoint, he had cancer a year ago? He has four more years of cancer check-ups before he is considered cured. In the most basic of definitions, right now, he is simply in remission.

 

And he has a wife and family who stood beside him through the diagnosis, treatment, and post-care parts of his life. And he has a lot of uncertainty about the future, and it is doubtful that he will throw away the "sure thing" of a wife who will drive him to oncology appts, who will wipe his butt of diarrhea, who will hold a pan while he vomits, who will stand beside him if he has various body parts/organs removed.

 

It does sound very much as if his pursuit and selfishness stemmed from a desire for reaffirmation of his living. I know when my father-in-law died, my H and I came home and fell into bed and had sex; what better way to show that WE were still alive?

 

He has never told you he was going to leave his wife. The scenario played a very typical one, where one person is at arm's length and it makes the other person crazy for them - until they get what they want. They get to feel that the other person IS in love, they get to feel that they are still desirable enough to have someone fall in love with them, they get to feel the conquering/winning rush of emotion.

 

Yes, I agree with what you are saying. Yes he had cancer that and it spread. He was close to die but he has been clean for a year now and got his life back. He is going through check ups and will continue to for years still. We did discuss many things in the beginning. I even told him that I tought being sick would make you focus more on his family..not trying to hook up with other women. He did admit we was acting selfish right now, but he wanted to do things that made him feel good and he said he is looking for relationship that makes him feel good permanately. He said he is not fine with "just ok" of a situation any longer. I thought him being sick made him more reliable..that he was for real. Maybe he was but couldnt pull through. However I think he should come clean with me at least now and stop this nonsense.

[Mimolicious]

Yes, I agree with what you are saying. Yes he had cancer that and it spread. He was close to die but he has been clean for a year now and got his life back. He is going through check ups and will continue to for years still. We did discuss many things in the beginning. I even told him that I tought being sick would make you focus more on his family..not trying to hook up with other women. He did admit we was acting selfish right now, but he wanted to do things that made him feel good and he said he is looking for relationship that makes him feel good permanately. He said he is not fine with "just ok" of a situation any longer. I thought him being sick made him more reliable..that he was for real. Maybe he was but couldnt pull through. However I think he should come clean with me at least now and stop this nonsense.

 

 

The bolded- What a scam! Please tell this sham-of-a-man that there is not such a thing as "good permanently". That unfortunately for him, he can't even make HIMSELF "good permanently". LOSER! Hone, don't even bother... Take something from this MM- some SELFISHNESS for yourself and find someone that is not loaded with all this drama. What exactly will you get out of this R anyway? No offense, I have relatives with cancer as we speak, and the last thing on their mind is to entertain an A and be out there looking for people to cheat with. He is showing you his true colors while he is rock bottom. RUN AND RUN FAST.

[BB07]

I subscribed to Baggage Reclaim on my fb page and this is what was posted today and I love it! It applies here.

 

When you keeping hanging around in a relationship with someone that's unavailable, it prevents you from being available for an *available* relationship.

[alexandria35]

Yes, I agree with what you are saying. Yes he had cancer that and it spread. He was close to die but he has been clean for a year now and got his life back. He is going through check ups and will continue to for years still. We did discuss many things in the beginning. I even told him that I tought being sick would make you focus more on his family..not trying to hook up with other women. He did admit we was acting selfish right now, but he wanted to do things that made him feel good and he said he is looking for relationship that makes him feel good permanately. He said he is not fine with "just ok" of a situation any longer. I thought him being sick made him more reliable..that he was for real. Maybe he was but couldnt pull through. However I think he should come clean with me at least now and stop this nonsense.

 

Okay, so if you do end up with this guy just know that it will be your job to make him feel good permanately. You better be fit and healthy and some kind of superwoman. I hope you never get cancer or become sickly in any way because then you will find it very hard to make him feel good and he will have to find someone else who is willing to make him feel good permanetly. And then someone else and then someone else, because there is no such thing as a relationship that makes you feel good permanately.

 

He portrays to you that cancer was some kind of life changing experience for him. It made him feel differently about many things. What exactly does he mean? Does he mean that he's decided that being faithful and honest with those he loves is wrong? He's decided it's better to lie and cheat rather than treat people in your life with respect and give them the truth? Is that what his brush with death taught him? It's not a surprise to me that somebody who had a close call with death might come back from that and decide that they want to live their life differently from now on, but I can't believe that being sick would turn somebody into a lying cheat. You know I bet this guy has always been selfish and full of himself. He has probably cheated on his wife numerous times with different women because he feels entitled to feel good, permanately.

[Mimolicious]

Okay, so if you do end up with this guy just know that it will be your job to make him feel good permanately. You better be fit and healthy and some kind of superwoman. I hope you never get cancer or become sickly in any way because then you will find it very hard to make him feel good and he will have to find someone else who is willing to make him feel good permanetly. And then someone else and then someone else, because there is no such thing as a relationship that makes you feel good permanately.

 

He portrays to you that cancer was some kind of life changing experience for him. It made him feel differently about many things. What exactly does he mean? Does he mean that he's decided that being faithful and honest with those he loves is wrong? He's decided it's better to lie and cheat rather than treat people in your life with respect and give them the truth? Is that what his brush with death taught him? It's not a surprise to me that somebody who had a close call with death might come back from that and decide that they want to live their life differently from now on, but I can't believe that being sick would turn somebody into a lying cheat. You know I bet this guy has always been selfish and full of himself. He has probably cheated on his wife numerous times with different women because he feels entitled to feel good, permanately.

 

You know. I was M to some POS like this. That no matter how ill the situation got, rather than seeing it as a wake-up call to do the right thing (at least for his children) he took it as a "FACK IT! LIFE IS TOO SHORT! I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE! LET ME LIVE IT UP AND DO ME! ROCK ON!". What a shame... SMH. (He sure is doing "HIM" now, cause nobody else is doing him nowadays )

[Lita5051]

I am serious. Things are not always so black and white. Ive watched my friends going through marriage crisis, having things aside, looking for way out and in many cases they just cant decide what they want to do. Stay or leave. In my case, I wanted to give him the chance since he asked for it. Yes its true that now it seems he wants to stay - which means I am out and might be he was lieing all along but I dont think Im to blame for believing. The good thing is, this only lasted some months because Im not stupid enough to continue any longer.

 

My A just ended as well...not because I gave him a choice or ultimatum, but because he basically disappeared. (31 days NC) With each passing day, I am more and more relieved that is how it unfolded. I still feel sad, hurt, disappointed in both him and myself, but I know with every fiber of my being that it is the best outcome. In reading your story, a couple of things struck me...it seems like in the beginning, the MM is definitely the pursuer and it does seem like they are "more into us than we are into them". But somewhere along the line, there is a subtle shift. He regains the power and there we are...sitting by the phone waiting for his call. It eats away at our dignity and our self-esteem. And, then when our self-esteem is at its lowest, it is very hard to make those rational decisions about what is right and wrong for ourselves. I don't know if it is pre-meditated on their part, but it sure sneaks up on you (as the OW). My A only last for 4 months, and I know that moving on will be easier because of it. I am also a successful career woman with dating opportunities and am not looking to prance down the aisle in a white dress either. You just can't help put slap yourself upside the head and say, "What was I thinking?" You should take a look at my thread "My Story". One of the posters shared some really interesting reading about why we are attracted to unavailable men and our own issues around long-term relationships. Some of it rang really true for me and may for you as well. I think her name is Beeotch or something like that Wishing you luck as you work through your emotions...it isn't easy.

[Gissie]

Thank you for your answer! Great to see someone in similar situation who is able to understand. I read your story and wow I can understand its hard for you to move on. That is such a poor behaviour from him! That behaviour alone makes you feel so used. It seems he is not bothered at all what happened between you two. It seems its all fun and games to him,- a little fantasy world for him to escape and maybe he really believes you feel the same way. It might be he doesnt understand your feelings on this at all. But the thing is, you can not win by trying to contact him. If he doesnt care- he doesnt. You HAVE to realise he is so not worth you time and thought and the best you can do is to move on. Thats they only way you will be able to keep your self respect, or gain it back.

Thats what I am doing now. After what happened, there is NO WAY I will ever contact him again. If he disappears now, then be it. I have never been the one pursuing him anyway and Im not about to start just because he said he loves me. He obviously doesnt really. Actions speak louder than words. I know he is not stupid either, his manipulative ass is well aware of whats going on with me and he is capable of making his own mind. Im quite sure I will hear from him sooner or later, its just a matter of being strong enough to say its over for us.

Yes it just strikes me how they are able to pull these games. Im not easily manipulated and can sense whats going on really, even though sometimes its hard to admit. I really feel he wasnt lying and his feelings were real. I think he is such a mess himself, he did say "he is fu**ed up and doesnt know what to do" at some point during our argument.

Its not always so clear for themselves either what they want or how they feel. Therefore cant totally call him off being a liar..even though sometimes it would help me

So..at this point I will have to just accept the reality that we will never be and he has probably came into same conclusion. Its not all his fault (even though I love to blame him to make me feel better) and its not all my fault either. Just two humans making mistakes. Its all about healing and moving on now. I refuse to stay obsessed about this, it will only eat away my precious life and time. Would recommend you do the same

[Gissie]

One of the posters shared some really interesting reading about why we are attracted to unavailable men and our own issues around long-term relationships.

 

For this part - it is partly true. I admit I tend to go for unavailable types..because they seem mysterious and challenging. I get bored easy if I get what I want straight away. But this same thing goes for men- men dont usually like it either if woman is "too easy".

 

But in all honesty if a man tells me he is not looking for serious relationship, doesnt get divorced, doesnt what to be with me..or anything close to this nature- I will NOT stay and try to change his mind. I never have. This has happened to me and I have always left it at that. If man tell you this, best believe it because trying otherwise is a total waste of time.

 

In my MM case though, he convinced me of otherwise. Saying he is looking for new relationship and hoping with me. I also told him straigh I am looking for something serious, not games. So I got distracted. Obviously he didnt really mean it though, or changed his mind or whatever. But that can always happen..even if meeting someone single. So I took a risk and lost. It happens.

 

But yes..would probably be better off trying to get involved with someone les challenging next time

[BB07]

Opps..........blonde moment, wrong thread, sorry.

 

 

I subscribed to Baggage Reclaim on my fb page and this is what was posted today and I love it! It applies here.

 

When you keeping hanging around in a relationship with someone that's unavailable, it prevents you from being available for an *available* relationship.

[Emme]

From the story you told ... you might not be the only OW. When someone has been through something traumatic like cancer... You either hold things you have in your life dear to you and strive to live a happy life with those you love or you say screw this I'm getting the most out of life from every angle... I'll do whatever I want because life's short. He is living! Whether it be you or someone else... he was honest with you but your ears heard something different.

 

He explained that he had cancer only year ago (which I know is true) and after that he feels different about many things in his life.

 

If you can handle his terms stay with him. You can't handle his terms walk. Those are your choices. If you are looking for the right words to say there aren't any. Be honest with him and say what you mean/want.. not what you feel. Your emotions to him will go out the window. It's like nagging. Get your proposal ready and state only facts. You owe him nothing.

[Silly_Girl]

Opps..........blonde moment, wrong thread, sorry.

 

BB, I hope Donna doesn't see this!!

[fooled once]

I subscribed to Baggage Reclaim on my fb page and this is what was posted today and I love it! It applies here.

 

When you keeping hanging around in a relationship with someone that's unavailable, it prevents you from being available for an *available* relationship.

 

Love it BB.

 

Gissie,

 

This guy is a selfish self centered man.

 

He likes to have his cake along with ice cream (his partner and you- the mistress)

 

Like WWiU said, he didn't make you have an affair. It was your choice, a willing choice. You knew he had a partner and family. Own your part in this.

 

Good luck. If you continue with him, you know the game and the likely outcome. Too bad his partner isn't as lucky to know the jerk she sleeps with every night is dipping his weinie in some one else.

[gerib38]

I was told that too ..by him .. your not the OTHER woman your the ONLY woman for me... and when i started confronting him about things i heard he ended it ... i was on to him . i do believe he loved me as well but when forced to make a real choice its rarely the other/ONLY .. haha woman

[Gissie]

... he was honest with you but your ears heard something different.

 

I am not making excuses on my part on this. If you read my posts above I admit that I took a risk. A risk that is always in new relationship, even when the man would be single.

 

Our discussions:

 

Me: I dont understand what you are trying to do here. We had sex once, lets leave it at that. It was fun but thats all.

 

Him: Its just too easy cutting it off like this. I am not into this only for sex, stop thinking that. How many times do I have to say it. I think our personalities match, youre an amazing woman.

 

Me: Even if you would be looking for more..where would you go with this? You have a family! Let me make it clear I am looking for someone to share my life with and I have zero interest being anyones mistress.

 

Him: Im aware of that. Im a grown man. I just need to figure out what to with my two children. I will be honest with you I promise.

 

another discussion:

 

Him: Youre a risk to me. I doubt that you know what youre getting yourself into. You have to be sure what you want from me.

 

Me: There is no risk proofing ourselves out of this. You should make the decision on your own anyway- not because of me.

 

These are just few of many. I was clear on him on what I wanted. You cant say it was clear he wasnt serious, red flags etc. Its not so black and white. Not for him either obviously. I dont think he fully lied through everything. I guess he is messed up in his midlife post cancer crisis.

 

I took a risk knowing he might choose otherwise. I understand the big picture. From this exprerience I will not take the risk again since its just not worth it.

 

Im ranting on this forum because its therapeutic for me

[Emme]

Honey rant all you want. Most of us here were once in or out of the same boat.

 

The bold text look at the words. Men are very tricky. Sometimes the english language is used to their benefit. Look at what you said not what you meant. What you've said means something different to him.

 

Me: Even if you would be looking for more..where would you go with this? You have a family! Let me make it clear I am looking for someone to share my life with and I have zero interest being anyones mistress.

 

You know where you want him to go. You want him to be your man to be in your house at the end of the day. You don't want him with the mother of his children. You posing the question is giving him a way to escape out of what needs to be done. "You have a family" you're giving him the reason to not move forward with you, which means you understand the circumstances and will be compliant. You are not making your point clear because you were still in contact with him after that conversation.. I know you were. You are looking for someone to share your life with... That's what he's been doing.. sharing his life with you. The conversations, meals, outings... Both of you are sharing each others lives. Technically you are not his mistress due to the fact he's not married. So when he says he doesn't see you that way he's telling the truth. Sorry to say it but most men don't see paper with lines or can even read between the line... They look at paper and just see printing paper. You want something you have to explain it, in depth. Where are the men on this board. Guys if you're out there please post. Give her another perspective.

[Gissie]

Well thats just crazy he knows what I meant. But by continuing I allowed it to happen yes thats true. I shouldnt have but I did. At my own risk that I was aware of.