bdash Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I have quite a few female friends. They all seem to really enjoy spending time with me, and doing stuff with me. Alone. With several girls I know, I can go to lunch, dinner, movies, and concerts/symphonies/plays with them without them considering it a date . They really enjoy spending time alone with me, talking with me on the side, and hanging out with me...but dating me is just out of the question. (This has happened with 5 girls so far, and I strongly suspect would happen with another 3-5 if I tried to ask them out or deepen the friendship). Why I don't know... There are several issues that have come to mind: 1) most of these girls met me when they were in a relationship, so they didn't consider me as a potential date when we first met. 2) Most of them knew me when I still showed signs of social anxiety (ive still got it, but hide it quite well now, I hope ), so they would have seen me when I lacked confidence, although I don't now 3) I am 1-3 years younger than all of them (I am at college and am, so far as I know, the 2nd youngest person on a ~30,000 person campus). 4) I am a nerd. I am more socially skilled around the girls in question than most nerds, but, minus the glasses, I looked the part until about 2 mos ago and still occasionally act like a typical nerd. So, does anyone have any ideas/comments on my ideas as to why this is happening? And maybe more importantly, how to convince these, or other girls, to date me instead of just being friends? Oh, a quick anote: I get friendzoned very quickly, even just for a normal friend (ie someone you would hang out with in a group but wouldn't see alone or date).
smudge21 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Think why you get attracted to someone, apart from looks what draws you in. Most of the time it's the mystery and wanting to know that person. They seem interesting and you just want to be a part of their lives. I don't know how you come across when you first meet these girls but maybe you give away too much of yourself and remove the mystery. Maybe it's because some of them already have you as a friend so any new ones just see you the same way. Do you flirt with them at all? Flirting can help take things out of the friendzone, but only if done right. It needs to be really subtle and just a hint. You need to leave her noticing the flirt but also wondering did it really happen. Basically, you need to leave an impression, a memory. An idea in their heads that there is something more to you. Getting friendzoned can be awkward, but I've sometimes been on the other end, when hanging around with groups of friends, some of which are female, and I see them as friends but they are quite suggestive that they would like more, or at least like to see if there's more there. Sadly, that's normally not the case, as if I'm friends with someone, it's because I don't want anything else. The few times a friend has become something more however, it has developed into something really strong. I guess that's down to knowing and understanding the person first. You already have the attachment way before you start getting together. How about you simply ask one of them the same question you're asking here. Surely there's one that you really confide in, a closer one out of the group. Just be honest and say you want to chat. If you trust her then she shouldn't say anything to anyone else and may just be able to help.
Cee Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I think you were smart to befriend women in relationships as you coped with your social anxiety and polished your social skills. I think being the friend is similar to being a boyfriend, but the intimacy building process quite different. I would ask a couple of your women friends to be wing women for you. Tell them you are ready to get out there and need some support and advice. Since these women have had successful relationships, they might have good tips for you. Choose your wing women well though. You don't want anybody tanking your self-confidence. Things move a lot faster with a romantic prospect than a friend. Friendships take months to develop, whereas attraction is almost immediate and it's best to get the first date as quickly as possible. While the rewards are great, rejection is inevitable so try not to let that cause your social anxiety increase. Take a rejection as a success- that you put yourself out there and got practice. I'm hoping for the best for you. Go get them.
Author bdash Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Think why you get attracted to someone, apart from looks what draws you in. Most of the time it's the mystery and wanting to know that person. Well actually its more that I enjoy their company and think they are interesting enough to spend time around. When I fall hard for someone it is because I see myself in them alot, it doesn't have anything to do with mystery for me. Nevertheless, good to know that some ppl think like that. I do flirt a bit, but honestly I am not great with it. I joke around quite a bit, kind of in a flirtatious way with them, so its tough to do more verbally, and most shy away from any physical flirtation (ie being gentlemanly and helping them up a step or something)
Author bdash Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Thanks Cee! Great advice on all fronts. I will certainly look for wing women! And I will certainly progress a bit more quickly in the future. Just curious though, what do you think is a reasonable timetable for asking a girl out?
Jono85 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) this might sound terrible, but i never get stuck with this problem, b/c quite simply, i don't make "friends" with girls. i guess it helps in my case b/c i'm a sports fiend, and really into hip hop music, and i don't find all that many girls sharing the same passions as me so i don't find it necessary to go looking for girl friends. so that being said, girls that you do want to meet b/c you find them attractive and would possibly want to date them, you need to give them clues that you think they are cute, or find them attractive. like someone else said, flirt. flirting is huge. make them laugh by being cocky, but in a playful way. "maybe if you're lucky, i'll teach you ______ (insert subject from class)". it might be very hard for you in person to do these things b/c it seems from your posts you may be uncomfortable doing these things. so best way imo is through texting. it is VERY easy through texting to give off vibes that you are interested in dating her, or basically not being just her friend. if she resists these texts and doesn't play along, then no harm done, move on to another girl. if she is playful back at you, and doesn't resist your flirting, then set up a date! ps. the reason you can do those things and they don't consider it a date is b/c you clearly haven't shown that you think they are cute or escalated much in terms of flirting. if they don't know you find them attractive and aren't seeing signs from you that you are into them as more than a friend, then why would they think of you as anything more. don't fear rejection. if you don't spend too much time actually trying to be their friend first, like i said i don't do with girls i'm interested in, then you don't feel as bad or awkward if they don't want to date you and want to stick you in the friendzone. you just move on. whereas if she's already your friend, well that would be very awkward/difficult and you might lose that friend. Edited June 5, 2011 by Jono85
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