hill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Ok so if you guys have read my previous posts (I kinda post a lot, sorry) I talked about how my ex broke up with me and how he was commitment phobic but when we hung out he'd act like my boyfriend. Today EVERYTHING officially ended. He said we both really need to move on, and that yes he is afraid to commit to me because I'm basically not the girl for him. He didn't say those words but he said that I'm not assertive and I'm too submissive and that's what he wants in someone.. I guess I accept it, I'm not going to try anymore.....I told him I'd change but he said that's not right and blah blah blah.... I'm sad it's all over, I really love him a lot and I'm going to miss him so much....I asked him if we should take time apart and he said "Whatever is healthy for you..." Because since he's been thinking about breaking up with me and ending things for a few months now I guess keeping talking to me is not going to hurt him. I do definitely want to stay friends with him but right now, i guess I should go NC until I'm ready? I never thought I would, because I love him so much and I am REALLY going to miss talking to him... Especially since he lives a few houses down and I'll always see his house... But I know I probably can't move on if I keep talking to him right?? IDK if I'm strong enough. I know it's as simple as not replying, not answering the phone.... but I feel like I'd cave.... I just know I have to be strong, but don't know how. I don't even feel like telling him I want to go NC.... Idk how to be strong when he calls/texts me because I know he will since he's pretty much "over' it. I think now I just need to find myself, and learn to love myself. Idk if I need to do that tho? Idk if I lost myself, or if I don't love myself...but I guess I don't if I have to question it? Any advice/tips on how to be strong??? Any advice/tips on coping??? How long is it gonna take me to get over this guy? I've currently been singing my lungs out to Taylor Swift... I actually do feel a lot better because a lot of her songs are EXACTLY how I feel. So it feels good to sing out exactly how I feel For "background info" of the relationship, we were basically together for practically a year and a half, he's 21 going on 22 in a month, I'm 19 going on 20 in October. We both attend the same University and have the same major, but his last quarter is Fall so we won't have any classes together thankfully. We were each others first love... Just in case you're curious here are my old posts about the relationship: 1 2 PLEASE any advice.... anything... I really need some from people that probably understand. My best friend is still with her high school sweetheart, they're going to get married eventually, and as much I appreciate her being here for me I feel like she cannot COMPLETELY understand since she's with her first love, been with him for 5 years and going to marry him.
Exit Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Well, he definitely sounds final in his decision, so at least you know that now. First, if you do want time and space to heal, you shouldn't have to endure ignoring texts and calls from him, they shouldn't happen in the first place. Tell him he is obviously healed and over it and is comfortable talking as friends, but that you haven't had the opportunity to get to that point, and if he really wants you to accept that this is over and for you to get over it, he needs to leave you alone until you decide you are ready. You do need to find yourself, and you do need to have the confidence to set your own personal boundaries. If you cannot heal with him still in your life then you have the absolute right to ask him to please stop contacting. He is choosing a life without you, so make him live up to that decision. I know it's hard and sometimes that voice in your head will say you can handle still being in touch with them because no contact is the hardest, but that voice is not keeping your healing in mind. Taking the easy road is not always the best in life. Yes it might be easier to talk to him and still have some part of him in your life because you still care for him, but taking that easy road will not allow you to heal. It doesn't have to be forever, but for right now, you probably need space from him. Nobody can decide for you and this is just my opinion. If you really, truly believe it'll be too painful to not talk to him at all, then you have to question yourself if you really think you can heal and still maybe talk to him sometimes. If each contact with him is just going to open up your wounds again and make you miserable, you need to love yourself enough to know that you can't allow that.
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Yes true.... thank you very much for replying, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it... I don't know if I'm strong enough to ask him to stop contacting me.... idk why... I feel like just not even telling him at all.... :/ Idk how I'm gonna find myself, or learn to love myself either...
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) I don't know if I'm strong enough to ask him to stop contacting me.... idk why... I feel like just not even telling him at all.... :/ Idk how I'm gonna find myself, or learn to love myself either... You have two choices. 1) Ignore him when he contacts you or 2) you tell him to not to contact you. You can't do #2 because you don't want to let go. You can't do #1 because you don't want to let go. Has he let you go? Yes. You need to do the same. The alternative is you keep intouch with him. And by doing so, you keep digging into that wound over and over again. You stay in permanent limbo. You go NC. You feel those uncomfortable feelings. It's excruciating and it's unbearable. The discomfort gnaws at you. But you know what, it's temporary. You'll suffer the withdrawal and you'll slowly emerge from the pain. Grieve the loss of him. Purge it all out. Feel the lows. It's the only way out. Don't look to him for comfort when you're in pain because he is your source of pain. He won't be able to comfort you. You need to find that comfort from friends and family. Start focusing on you. What do you like to do? What passions do you have? Do you have friends that you've disconnected with or would like to meet other people? Do you like to volunteer? Are you spiritual? Any classes or hobbies you'd like to pursue or educate yourself about? Take up a sport? Start thinking about building yourself up. List some goals you'd like to achieve. Cultivate passions you feel strong about. Try and read some self help books that will give you ideas about regaining your self-esteem. Write about yourself -- who you are today and what you hope to be. What are your qualities? You need to rearrange those self-defeating thoughts in your head. Turn them around to help motivate you instead of diminish you. One negative woe-is-me will snowball into a mass of unhealthy thoughts about yourself. You don't love yourself because in your eyes you are not valuable if you are not loved by someone else. Change that around. If you don't love yourself, what are you expecting to give someone else? You're going to struggle with lifting yourself up for awhile. Don't stay there too long. You must turn this around for you. Step 1. NC. You don't have to tell him not to contact you. He already stated that you do what is healthy for you. NC is healthy for you. Edited June 3, 2011 by geegirl
Karala Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm in a situation similar to yours... Ditto to everything Exit and geegirl said. I'm using all of that advice for myself as well.
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah I wish I can let go. Idk what's making it hard for me to, especially since as you pointed out he has let go already. I just domt know how to be strong and dont know how to learn to be... I also really wanted to take him out for his birthday (July 1) but I guess I shouldn't now... I wanna take him out because I care and do love him...
Karala Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I just domt know how to be strong and dont know how to learn to be... Hopefully we will surprise ourselves, and end up feeling much stronger! I have the same issue with his birthday which is in 10 days. Except I'm firm in my resolution to stay NC so I already know I just won't be with him for his birthday and that's that. I would feel bad to not be even wishing him a happy birthday, especially since I know these are very hard times for him as well and he's probably gonna feel lonely, so I have decided on sending him a card. That seems like the better option as opposed to a text message or an e-mail, because it takes so little effort to reply to a text or an e-mail, he would probably either do that or feel bad about not doing it. And I don't want him to either respond to my birthday wishes or feel bad about not responding. I'll even make it a postcard (as opposed to anything enclosed in an enveloppe), to avoid scaring him, so that he doesn't think even for a second that maybe I'm writing him a long emotional letter about us or getting back together or anything. Sorry for hijacking your thread just a little bit, I just thought I was being clever with my plan on how to handle his upcoming birthday, lol.
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah I wish I can let go. Idk what's making it hard for me to, especially since as you pointed out he has let go already. I just domt know how to be strong and dont know how to learn to be... I also really wanted to take him out for his birthday (July 1) but I guess I shouldn't now... I wanna take him out because I care and do love him... It's hard to let go because you still love him. It's hard to let go of 18 months right away. That's why you need to NC. NC is what will help you let go. It's a slow process. You will learn how to be strong. Right now you're feeling hopeless and defeated. You'll wallow and hold on to self defeating thoughts. But you have to believe that no one after a break up shriveled up and died in a corner. That is not going to happen to you. It just feels like all hope is lost right now. If you want to learn how to be strong, you will. You have to put the work in though and not beat yourself down with self-doubt. Care and love him. That's perfectly fine. But in the safe confines of NC. Taking him out to dinner while you are emotional about him is just feeding the fire. Imagine taking him out, enjoying his company, you guys kiss and make out or whatever, then he leaves. And you go home and long to be with him again. Bad. Don't put yourself in a situation that you know will only hurt you. The high is temporary.
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Oh no worries. Im thinking of just mailing him a card and a gift card or something.
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 It's hard to let go because you still love him. It's hard to let go of 18 months right away. That's why you need to NC. NC is what will help you let go. It's a slow process. You will learn how to be strong. Right now you're feeling hopeless and defeated. You'll wallow and hold on to self defeating thoughts. But you have to believe that no one after a break up shriveled up and died in a corner. That is not going to happen to you. It just feels like all hope is lost right now. If you want to learn how to be strong, you will. You have to put the work in though and not beat yourself down with self-doubt. Care and love him. That's perfectly fine. But in the safe confines of NC. Taking him out to dinner while you are emotional about him is just feeding the fire. Imagine taking him out, enjoying his company, you guys kiss and make out or whatever, then he leaves. And you go home and long to be with him again. Bad. Don't put yourself in a situation that you know will only hurt you. The high is temporary. Yeah your def right :/ I think I'm ready for nc. I never thought I would be...
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Also any tips of what I should so when I see him on campus? Either by the building we stdy in or in the computer lab? Smile and wave and walk the other way??
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It's always hard to implement 100% NC when the person you are trying to break contact with is around you. But it's possible to still create boundaries for yourself. The least amount of contact is best. Don't seek him out or try to make eye contact and such. If you happen to spot him and he smiles or waves, just a quick smile and wave and go on your way.
Author hill Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 It's always hard to implement 100% NC when the person you are trying to break contact with is around you. But it's possible to still create boundaries for yourself. The least amount of contact is best. Don't seek him out or try to make eye contact and such. If you happen to spot him and he smiles or waves, just a quick smile and wave and go on your way. I know this is probably too early to ask, but when will I know when I'm ready to contact him again? Is it one of those things where I will just know? I already miss him A LOT and I feel like texting him already
John Davis Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Ok so if you guys have read my previous posts (I kinda post a lot, sorry) I talked about how my ex broke up with me and how he was commitment phobic but when we hung out he'd act like my boyfriend. Today EVERYTHING officially ended. He said we both really need to move on, and that yes he is afraid to commit to me because I'm basically not the girl for him. He didn't say those words but he said that I'm not assertive and I'm too submissive and that's what he wants in someone.. I guess I accept it, I'm not going to try anymore.....I told him I'd change but he said that's not right and blah blah blah.... I'm sad it's all over, I really love him a lot and I'm going to miss him so much....I asked him if we should take time apart and he said "Whatever is healthy for you..." Because since he's been thinking about breaking up with me and ending things for a few months now I guess keeping talking to me is not going to hurt him. I do definitely want to stay friends with him but right now, i guess I should go NC until I'm ready? I never thought I would, because I love him so much and I am REALLY going to miss talking to him... Especially since he lives a few houses down and I'll always see his house... But I know I probably can't move on if I keep talking to him right?? IDK if I'm strong enough. I know it's as simple as not replying, not answering the phone.... but I feel like I'd cave.... I just know I have to be strong, but don't know how. I don't even feel like telling him I want to go NC.... Idk how to be strong when he calls/texts me because I know he will since he's pretty much "over' it. I think now I just need to find myself, and learn to love myself. Idk if I need to do that tho? Idk if I lost myself, or if I don't love myself...but I guess I don't if I have to question it? Any advice/tips on how to be strong??? Any advice/tips on coping??? How long is it gonna take me to get over this guy? I've currently been singing my lungs out to Taylor Swift... I actually do feel a lot better because a lot of her songs are EXACTLY how I feel. So it feels good to sing out exactly how I feel For "background info" of the relationship, we were basically together for practically a year and a half, he's 21 going on 22 in a month, I'm 19 going on 20 in October. We both attend the same University and have the same major, but his last quarter is Fall so we won't have any classes together thankfully. We were each others first love... Just in case you're curious here are my old posts about the relationship: 1 2 PLEASE any advice.... anything... I really need some from people that probably understand. My best friend is still with her high school sweetheart, they're going to get married eventually, and as much I appreciate her being here for me I feel like she cannot COMPLETELY understand since she's with her first love, been with him for 5 years and going to marry him. I've not had a similar situation but I'd love to contribute. So, it seems like you are not being appreciated for who you are and not loved/accepted for who you are, you shouldn't change for anybody unless something is wrong with you which it ISN'T. If he loves you he'll come back, keep up NC. Those who love you always find a way to get back, don't forget that. I'm also waiting for someone to get back to me after having hurt my feelings. Be strong and don't cave in:) Silence is powerful and you'll find out the truth sooner or later, I wish for the best and for your happiness...
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I know this is probably too early to ask, but when will I know when I'm ready to contact him again? Is it one of those things where I will just know? I already miss him A LOT and I feel like texting him already You will be ready to contact him again when you are indifferent. When you hear he is dating someone else and you are perfectly fine. When you hear a song you used to hear together and forget it was "our song". When you think about him and remember him fondly instead of hurt or anxiety. No texting!!! You have to feel the discomfort. You have to feel the pain to get through it. Don't react. He can't give you anything if you text. You are feeling discomfort. He is not your source of comfort, only your source of pain. Talk to a friend. Journal your feelings. Go for a walk. Leave your phone in your car. Do something other than text.
Author hill Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Today was rough.... He texted me but I didn't reply. I asked my best girlfriends if they could come over and sleepover because I told them I was really sad and didn't want to be alone. Unfortunately they cancelled last minute, and I REALLY broke down and couldn't stop crying; and I REALLY REALLY wanted to text him...I didn't though, and it made me cry more :/ Luckily my sorority sisters took me out and we had fun. I feel a little better. I'm just bummed I can't talk to him.
Author hill Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 He texted me again yesterday. Twice. It hurt me so bad not replying... I don't want to hurt him or make him upset..... I wish I could just talk to him :/ I'm really scared I might have hurt his feelings which makes me feel really sad because I dont want him to feel like I hate him or never want to talk to him again. My friends say I shouldn't feel bad for him at all since he has been a jerk and I shouldn't worry if I hurt him since he has hurt me so many times. It's just hard though since I care about him a lot and love him :/
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